soberlicious

What else do you need to think about?

I agree. The beast loves analysis. It puts quitting on hold, thus leaving the door open just a little.

Dear Non,
You said you weren't going to drink again but you did, so you shouldn't commit to that again. You'll need to take quite a bit of time and figure out the puzzle of it all before you can actually quit for real. It's a big commitment, not one to be taken lightly, so slow down. Think it through. I'll be here to help you.
Love,
Your Beast

Fallow

Hi nonsensical, love your posts around here.

Just wanted to let you know.

I know I am the type to fall off completely at trying to change. Like being on a diet and then eating one bad meal. Which leads me to eating poorly for a week.

Here's hoping you do not do that and use this experience to add a tweak or two that keep you going down the sober path.

bigsombrero

Someone else's post had me nodding:

This 'beast' shouldn't be personified as an impish little furby sitting on your shoulder like a toucan. This thing is like that wolf-monster from Neverending Story.

I went to the top of the Sears Tower once, to the Skydeck. I was admiring the view when the man next to me said "I don't have a FEAR of heights...but I do have a RESPECT of heights". It made me laugh - but he's right. I like parts of all recovery programs. But personification of my addiction is not something I like to do. I'm not afraid of it, but I do respect my condition. This "beast" is far more than a wolf in sheep's clothing, it's a slowly spiraling death trap filled with insanity, tragedy and frustration. This monster is more terrifying than anything I could imagine hiding under my bed as a kid. This is real. Respect yourself. Respect your condition.

And congrats on coming back here like that and posting so honestly by the way. Really cool, well written and it was helpful to me to see "inside your head" there, as well as the other posters'. Very cool. Keep it up.

soberlicious

This monster can kill you...but IT cannot do it without your help. I give zero respect to addiction.

Marcher13

Nonsensical thank you for posting so honestly about this. I'm at just over 60 days and my AV was getting quiet so I was starting to get a bit blase about him, this is a heads up to do no such thing. Your candour is appreciated. Best wishes.

venuscat

Dear soberlicious ~this is great. Non, really hope you hear this ♥
"Dear Non,
You said you weren't going to drink again but you did, so you shouldn't commit to that again. You'll need to take quite a bit of time and figure out the puzzle of it all before you can actually quit for real. It's a big commitment, not one to be taken lightly, so slow down. Think it through. I'll be here to help you.
Love,
Your Beast"

I feel like you two really nailed it ~ let's call this thing the beast that it is, and keep fighting it together.

I know that this is one nasty beast, one that I am fighting on a daily basis.

Hope today is a good day for you Non!

Love V xx

Mountainmanbob

Nonsensical

What to do differently so that it lasts forever this time.

Indeed, although this seems to be upsetting to some.

Fandy

I will point out that this was a much shorter relapse...than the sleeping in the bushes incident...
But i am fearful you could harm yourself and others by driving....you may not realize it but you set yourself up....
I picked up on your av thought of buying beer "for your son" after manual labor last weekend...that might be your trigger...reward beer...manly.
I don't think family events will trigger you....it is a lot of drama...you don't do that.

Kys

Thanks for sharing Nonsensical, you've certainly been (and continue to be) a huge help on my journey.

Nonsensical

Definitely recognized the AV last Sunday when IT was recommending offering to get the lad some beer. I don't recall any particular thoughts about drinking prior to drinking on Monday, except for the very strong desire for a beer as I was just a few steps from the tap. That doesn't mean I wasn't having any. I am an addict and thoughts of drinking are quite common. I just don't recall any prior thoughts or internal debate/discussion on the matter. I was going to get food, saw beer, walked right over and ordered one. If my AV was working on me on the drive towards Whole Foods, he went undetected. I was hungry, and remember thinking about chicken wings and a big salad.

Something to consider, though. Thanks!

RobbyRobot

I understand this kind of thinking. I've no problem with your reviewing what happened. Yeah, you can over do it, I suppose, but to not do some kind of accounting is to me anyways also wrong. The Beast is on both sides of that equation from my point of view.

There really is no secret trick to quitting drinking. As for quitting forever, same deal really, its not rocket science. Quit means quit. Not being forever simply means there are conditions on the quit. Conditions breed doubt and doubt creates room for AV to flourish. So its an uphill battle without the forever included with the quit.

For me, what happened to you was more just an extended time of addiction ambivalence in play. I doubt many will agree with me, but nonetheless.

Move past this, Non. Shake it off. Get back to where you know you gotta be with yourself to get this thing behind you. Quitting works. You already know that for yourself. The rest is just wrapping things up and standing tall knowing you're still okay with yourself.

Take it easy.

jkb

Ok well that is a lot of different advice... Great advice... but now let me tell you the only advice that matters...MINE. :rotfxko Just Kidding but, here is the way I see it. I drank a few months ago. I DID CHOOSE TO DRINK. I was kind-of in that fugue state they talk about in the book but, come on I can only take that sooo far. I was not possessed by a spirit from another world... I chose to drank. I knew probably a week prior that I was not "happily sober" as many people on SR pointed out to me. However, I had a BP.....NOT!!!!!

So, what changed this time. Well I did do lots of thinking but, it all came down to this: I really hate who I become when I drink. I am a whiny b**ch. I am often a whiny b**ch sober as many of you know but, so much worse when I choose to consume alcohol. Drinking for me is a high risk/ low reward behavior. So, did I make a better BP? Nope. I picked a BP that worked for me that includes the word now. When the beast acts up like it tends to do I say "Well I never drink now". Damn, its still now.... ok so no drinking. I dont know Non but, adding that now made me feel ok with it. This works for me now and later I may be able to drop the security blanket of "now". My RR friends are seeing some AV there I suppose and you all may be right. Am I placing a condition on sobriety that says when I can jump back and forth in time and live in a parallel universe then I can drink? Maybe.

There are other times I am bored or lonely. I dont think I am going to drink but, I do think damn I am bored. Last month I went to an AA meeting when this happened. Other times I go for a walk or take a hot bath. AA in no way determines my staying sober but, sometimes its nice to be somewhere that I "fit in". I am a drunk. So are they.

I am currently doing a lot of things to ensure my sobriety. A huge part of it is logging on to SR and reading newcomers, blogging if need be, or keeping my thread alive when I notice beast activity so others can point it out.

Point is I dont know if you need a BP or AA or whatever. What I can almost guarantee is that you need to be sober whatever it takes. Think all you want, analyze all you want but, dont use anything as an excuse. You chose to drink and you can choose not to.

Jess

Elisabeth888

Thank you for posting this. My AV was talking to me about having a beer yesterday morning too. I didn't even drink beer really.

It was ridiculous.

Nonsensical

Almost?
:rotfxko


I guess since I was on the recovery forum posting and calling my actions on Monday "stupid" it would be assumed by everyone that my ultimate goal is to not drink. However, that seems to not be the case. The few days I want to spend thinking about a plan are not to consider whether or not I will return to a life of drinking, but how to improve my approach to maintaining sobriety so that I don't have any more day 1's.

Received

Awwww, Non, we just want you to be okay. It's not our fault you're such a lovable member here at SR. You and your darn wit...and...and....BACON!

jkb

Easy there Non.... only said "almost" because I dont think I am in any place to be telling anyone.."YOU NEED TO BE SOBER, RIGHT NOW". Thats your decision and yours alone... And I get ya. Like I said before think away. You are more than capable of figuring it out.

fini

Non,
yeah, that is the trouble spot: you have determined that you are done. several times.

if determination that you're done is all it takes, then you ought to have been done after the first time you determined you were. then there would only be one time of that determination.

this was such a sore place for me for so long. determined. committed. decided. absolutely. and then walked into the store and bought the stuff.

what will you do with this?

easy to say in retrospect "oh, my big plan couldn't have been the real one."

not really different from saying"oh, i guess i didn't work the program right, or i wouldn't have drunk again."

just some thoughts.

interested in yours.

Dee74

Erm...thats not always a valid assumption

Noone trying to beat you down Nons - I think everyone just wants you 'back' ASAP.

D