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Old 05-07-2013, 11:49 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Sorry to hear this Nonsensical. It is so demoralising I know from past experience.

If you were getting complacent, double up your efforts. If you were looking for an excuse, don't give yourself one. If you slipped into auto-pilot, don't take your foot off the throttle.

You can do this. It doesn't need to become a pattern of stop and start sobriety.

You can stay sober. I know it and you know it. It's what you want and your AV doesn't like that one bit.

Best wishes to you x
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Old 05-07-2013, 12:03 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Listen to this:

Amanda McBroom: Errol Flynn - YouTube
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Old 05-07-2013, 12:10 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Nons, there is evidence* that our addiction affects more than just the primitive parts of our brain. Addictions also affect the prefrontal cortex, that part of the brain which evolved to support our existence as sophisticated social creatures. Thus, when this part of the brain malfunctions, a solution can be found in a therapeutic social setting.

AA is not a cult or a religion. It just happens that a cure for alcoholism comes in that form in most communities.

______________

*4 March 2009
Neuroscience: "Rethinking rehab", Jim Schnabel, Nature 458, 25-27, doi:10.1038/45802
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Old 05-07-2013, 12:13 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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So many kind words. Thank you all.

Originally Posted by Ptcapote View Post
Your AV is really good at pre-gaming you. I notice it in posts where you start mentioning drinking (parties, getting beer for your son, etc.) and then it seems like you have slip-up soon thereafter. Not always, of course, but maybe sometimes?
Yeah, maybe. It's kinda hard to tell when the AV is jabbering at me every day. Sometimes every hour.

To my conscious mind it seemed very impulsive to me. I saw the door, recalled that they serve interesting craft brews in there and decided to sample. I was a few sips in when I realized my AV was in charge.

It was just a few sips and these thoughts raced to the front:
  1. You're not going back to work
  2. If you chug that beer (like I wanted to) wearing a tie sitting in a Whole Foods at lunchtime on a Monday, they will probably refuse to serve you another.
  3. I can probably only get 3 here before I look like I have a problem
  4. Which of these beers has the highest ABV?
  5. Is there another bar between here and the grocery store? (I don't shop for staples at Whole Foods)
  6. Which bar will I stop at on the way home?
  7. What will I drink?
  8. Should I pick up a bottle?
  9. Can I fool the family or will they know?
Gee, I might be an alcoholic.
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Old 05-07-2013, 12:13 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Nonsensical View Post
It was literally a split-second decision.
Nonsensical, I know exactly what you're talking about. One second everything is fine and the next second I'm raising the mug to my mouth. I've taken to preparing beforehand for those moments--at least as best as I can. Unfortunately, we can't always predict when we will find ourselves vulnerable.

I believe the best thing we can do is recognize those "twinges", no matter how subtle they are, and then pause for just a few seconds to get our minds back on track and tell ourselves NO!
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Old 05-07-2013, 12:25 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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I stopped drinking (the first time) on February 16, 2010....in 2009 I had only gone without alcohol 9 days...not by choice, i was hospitalized...(I have a small anuerysm in my pointy little head, they ran every test in the world, i have great insurance)...in 2009, my liver enzymes were skyrocketed and my doctor told me i should not drink at all, so i drank heavily for another 6 months.

I made it from February through the rest of the winter, into spring and family Easter Dinner....it was a sunny Wednesday in early May....I was stopping for fruit at the grocery....I walked into the liquor store like it was long lost family and bought wine...3 large bottles of cabernet....and I decided I could "sip" a bit in the evenings....

it did not work out as I had planned, but I did make myself very sick...(a good thing). I remember going out to dinner in July that year on a friday night, had wine with dinner and 3 bottles the next day...I fell into a pattern of a very depressive weekend drunk about once a month...i started to write it on my calendar, it was the same pattern, almost to the day...it took me a while but I finally figured it out and now have been sober for about 2 years...(i don't count , it makes me crazy).

I refuse to fall into the traps i set for myself, but they are always there.
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Old 05-07-2013, 12:30 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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My AV is in full swing today. I think she ticked over my new amethyst "sobriety stone" jewelry. My husband is home today and told me to out and he'll watch the kids. She immediately said yeah let's go to World Market, you can buy some kitchen stuff and wine there. As much as I would love to get away from the kids for a bit, I won't be going out. She needs to be quarantined to the house or husband today!
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Old 05-07-2013, 12:32 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Non-
I am so sad to read this. As you know I have been there and beat myself up over it. Be thankful you made it home safe... be thankful for anything you can be thankful for. I know how quick it can sneak up on you and how hard it can be to feel in control once you let yourself down. However, you are in control. I am here for you.... Jess
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Old 05-07-2013, 12:50 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Nonsensical View Post
I might be an alcoholic.
BINGO!

Originally Posted by Nonsensical View Post
I was a few sips in when I realized my AV was in charge.

As for the AV being in charge, I think AVRT is a wonderful tool, and it's been helpful for me to personify my addiction as the AV or beast. But your AV isn't driving the bus. You are. You chose. You drank. And after that, powerless.

I think you need another tool in your recovery tool box. Acceptance is a great start.
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:16 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Dearest Paul - Been there many, many times over the course of 30 yrs. Even with the best of intentions, out of the blue I would cave - with no thought given to the outcome. As a result, in my 50's I managed to collect 3 dui's, destroy my health, ruin my finances, disappoint & hurt my family, etc. I had to be brought to my knees to finally get it - I can never touch a drop. It isn't necessary for it to go that far - and I know you'll find a solution that will work. We are all with you - glad you came clean about it.
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Old 05-07-2013, 10:58 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Very very glad you made it home safe.

And glad you're back on the wagon with us!

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Old 05-07-2013, 11:21 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Nonesensical I don't now about you but sometimes I wish someone had me at gunpoint everywhere I went and if I even thought about getting booze I would hear him undoing the trigger .. Anyways chin up one battle lost but you will win the war !
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Old 05-07-2013, 11:40 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Whatever has been said, mulled over, analised... it has happened, we are what we are. If none of us logged on here, we would never get the support we generally need. Just stick around here, good or bad. There may be a few judgemental people, but they may be early in their journey too. Don't give up giving up... it'll happen when you know you need it x
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Old 05-07-2013, 11:41 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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OK Non.... lots of talk about AV and such.

For me it's pretty simple; I am an Alcoholic. If I'm not working hard to live in the solution every day, I am vulnerable. And while I appreciate that everyone has their triggers, a lot of things could trigger me... this disease is sneeky. See that pub? Let's go in... Yep. It can be that fast. It could just as easily have been me.

So now you need to re-commit yourself to your sober journey my friend. This is one day at a time for all of us...glad you are here with us today.

One thing...the drinking and driving needs to stop Non. Think of your kids.

Love you,

Venus xx
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Old 05-07-2013, 11:48 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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There's some great advice here Nons. I can't add to it really.

You know what you gotta do.

welcome back

D
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Old 05-08-2013, 12:07 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Nonsensical View Post
So many kind words. Thank you all.


Yeah, maybe. It's kinda hard to tell when the AV is jabbering at me every day. Sometimes every hour.

To my conscious mind it seemed very impulsive to me. I saw the door, recalled that they serve interesting craft brews in there and decided to sample. I was a few sips in when I realized my AV was in charge.

It was just a few sips and these thoughts raced to the front:
  1. You're not going back to work
  2. If you chug that beer (like I wanted to) wearing a tie sitting in a Whole Foods at lunchtime on a Monday, they will probably refuse to serve you another.
  3. I can probably only get 3 here before I look like I have a problem
  4. Which of these beers has the highest ABV?
  5. Is there another bar between here and the grocery store? (I don't shop for staples at Whole Foods)
  6. Which bar will I stop at on the way home?
  7. What will I drink?
  8. Should I pick up a bottle?
  9. Can I fool the family or will they know?
Gee, I might be an alcoholic.

Glad your back, nonsensical! I'm sitting here and thoughts of drinking are creeping into my head and I read this. This is just the kind of thinking I have when I start drinking. Great reminder of what this crazy train does.
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Old 05-08-2013, 12:34 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Wow Im sorry you had a relapse. I hope you have a new plan & am glad to hear you want to get sober.
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Old 05-08-2013, 01:02 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Hey nonsensical, I just posted something similar in the substance abuse section. I had a three day slip, used morphine and my beloved oxy (which I stole of course) and when I went to "borrow" more oxy today, found it gone. At first I was upset and heartbroken. Then I started to finally wake up.

And I am so grateful that oxy wasn't there and my sense came back! For me, I could feel the slip coming. I'd been thinking about using for a couple of weeks and this time I just felt like I didn't care if I did. I didn't care about my recovery anymore. So when the opportunity came, I took it.

I'm glad this happened though because it gave me the chance to remember why I don't want to use anymore. I didn't get the "high" I wanted but I got to remember the bad stuff: the night sweats, the instant withdrawals and cravings for more, the way the desire to use can overpower me in an instant and make me throw away my recovery.

And most importantly, that I AM an addict with a serious disease and if I don't take it seriously it will seriously take me to my death.

So, time for day one again and renewed dedication to our recoveries!
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Old 05-08-2013, 03:54 AM
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I think the " F it " do have a prelude. It is now clearer to me when i am not centred. Then i am in a risk state.
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Old 05-08-2013, 04:29 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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I hope you are doing ok Nons, check in with us....
Sober Wednesdays !
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