Midlifecrisis

Actually I did. I only quit because I was pregnant. Now I can't seem to.

deeker

You are not a loser , you have an addiction and there is a solution and many people are trying to share with you the solution and are trying to let you know the consequences if you continue on. We don't want you to go that far. Mid. I am 51 and I lost 37 years of my life to this addiction. 7 jails, 14 institutions, hospitals, nursing home. 2 suicide attempts. One with pills and one with a gun.

It is only goin to get worse. but what I really want to share with you Mid, is your kids. Mid I only have one I know you have 5. Nothing can describe the pain I have when I think of how I gave birth to this little boy and I let him down.

I was there but I wasn't Mid. I wasn't there emotionally for this little guy. He became confused. What was happening to his Mommy who did everything with him and now couldn't remember stuff, was sleeping all the time. Couldn't get up to get him off to school. dad took over.

Mid. He's 22 now and I will never get those years back, I WILL NEVER GET THOSE YEARS BACK!!

HE WILL NEVER GET THOSE YEARS BACK

He did nothing to deserve that, he was a beautiful innocent child who just wanted to spend quality time with Mommy and I was there in body only and sometimes not even that. I was asleep alot.

My life is a fog. The reason I get frustrated and I have stated this before Mid, is because when I see your threads it absolutley breaks my heart and I begin to feel the regret and pain for my own child. Ok great now I am crying. You will never get these years back. One day they will be 18 and off on their own and that's it.

Now all I want to do is spend quality time with my 22 year old and he has his own life. It is heartwrenching. I know I am forgiven but I have to live with that regret everyday. And when I look at him... Oh my Lord. I am filled with sadness picturing him as that little boy who just wanted me, his Mommy. Didn't matter what we did, just wanted me.

I hardly even have good memories to reminisce with him. He doesn't even ask Mom what was I like when I was a kid. Cuz he knows I have no idea.

Midlifecrisis

Thanks for sharing. Guilt is actually a big part of why I use. I had big anger probs when my first was little. I feel guilty about alot of things. It's nice to have a break from feeling guilty about every word I say wondering if its going to harm them.

I have always been not very good at dealing with my emotions. All the years I didn't use my eating disorder was my addiction and distraction. What I feel for my kids overwhelms and scares me. One day I had my dad the next he moved in with his secretary and I was no longer important. I don't want my kids to ever feel that rejection.

I have been more distant. But I'm functioning. Still plenty of cuddles and chats but I shy away from deep and meaningfuls especially as they get older. I'm still working in their classrooms. Taking them to ballet, soccer, etc. I'm Zoned out all the time though.

Clarity scares me.

I look back with regret already. I can only
Imagine how much worse it could be. Our eldest Is a teen now and he needs me more than ever.

Thanks.

Midlifecrisis

I can feel balanced and functioning on 30mg a day ( well I could until my tolerable got higher.) without feeling high. I just need to be able to keep it at that.

Midlifecrisis

These are my two littlest. They mean the world to me and deserve all of me I know.

Midlifecrisis

And deeker. I am sorry for your regret. I know only god can take that. He has an amazing way of flipping things 180. I don't know. I feel your pain from your post and as I said can relate to it even now.

I think you are angry with me. I'm sorry

ScottFromWI

If that can't make you quit MLC, I don't know what can. I'm pulling for a miracle for you to find the motivation to do the right thing.

Midlifecrisis

I have agreed to taper down. She won't give me anymore until in due.

Jeni26

That photo made me cry. I have a similar photo...almost the same pose too, of my kids taken when they were little. I carry it with me in my purse.

MLC-I have no wise words. I don't know anything about tapering from Valium. I don't know anything about your life apart from what you've shared.

It's just...well those kids they are surely a gift from God. They've been given to you for just a short time to care for, to love, to nurture.

If there's just a little part of you that can see beyond your own pain and confusion at the moment, please look into their eyes and see what you've been given and what you need to do. I'm praying you can find the strength xxx

HereIAm321

I love this forum.

Louise82

But you've just said why you're not able to keep it at that - your tolerance gets higher. What are you going to do this time when you develop a tolerance to 30mg?

And God can also take your own guilt and pain, MLC. Ask him to take it from you. Hand it over.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm not angry with you. Even though I've never met you and live at the other end of the world from you, there's something I like about you. I'm just rooting so hard for you to have the life that all these wonderful, sober people on SR have.

You already know that if you don't stick to the prescribed dose you'll run out again, but I just wanted to put it in black & white.

Take care.

LadyinBC

Yes you do. Don't stop posting, people are frustrated, but I do try to remember what it was like for me when I first quit. It's not easy.

Midlifecrisis

Thank you. I don't know what to say. Lots of tears today. My kids are certainly
A gift from god as is my husband.

Midlifecrisis

You're right. I can't do it. I had my daily prescribed dose for breakfast. Having codeine withdrawals, bad headaches, went and bought codeine.

I can't do this to myself or my
Family anymore. I'm so scared.

Midlifecrisis

How far I have to go is overwhelming

ScottFromWI

What are you scared of? Have you actually made a list? Every possible detox issue has a solution that can be managed. You control your destiny by choosing to quit and finding resources to help you. You have NO control over addiction when you use. And the possibilities are much more dire.

Midlifecrisis

I'm scared of being away from my family.
I'm scared of returning to my eating disorder which was my drug for 16 years
I'm scared of being suicidal again
I'm scared or reality
I'm scared to face the past
I'm scared of feeling
I'm scared of people finding out
I'm scared of never being able to use again
I'm scared of how awful benzo detox is
I'm scared of codeine withdrawal
I'm scared

Dee74

Sure...I think everyone here has empathy for you there....we all faced that mountain...we all had decades of stuff to work through too...

but how far you will fall if you don't do something must be pretty daunting too MLC?

There's no way this is just going to spontaneously get better - and the longer you keep putting real action off, the worse the fall will be....

I'm sorry - you're going to need to make tough choices and make some real changes...I'm trying to be gentle, but I don't really see any viable alternative MLC.

D

Midlifecrisis

I'm starting to see it again too. Had 30mg for brekky. Nowhere near enough, major headaches. One day these prescription drugs won't be enough and ill go back to heroin or meth. Or I'll start to drink

I'm so bloody terrified. I just got hubby to check and he has 8 days holiday.

ScottFromWI

All of those things can be managed, even though they are scary. Now make a list of what you should be scared of if you keep using. See which is worse.