losteverything

I have been on this site for too many years, I should grow a pair of balls and grow the f#$$% up.. I was good for over 9 months..then doused myself over Moms death..then good again for 2 weeks, 1 night idiocy..another maybe what, 3 or 4 weeks now? I do prefer sobriety to drunken stupidity...I just cant seem to get it together. I feel fractured..dismembered, in some type of altered reality..and I am a fit, healthy, 46 year old male who has a good job, sees his children regulary....and friggin cries all the time.. Cant stand to be around others, feels awkward all the time, and I think, really? is this life? should I spend the rest of it in therapy, counselling, psychoanalysis..what? I dont miss drink at all, but sure as shyte I dont like this either....

Hollyanne

Did you try all the stuff you mentioned?
Therapy etc?
YES!!!!!!
Do it all!!
You are worth it!
And put down the big stick!!!!

9 months wasn't long sober, to have to deal with your mother's death.

Hevyn

Hi lost. I'm glad you keep coming back - you haven't given up on yourself. You have a desire to lead a better life - many never realize what they're doing to themselves.

I hope you'll stay and keep talking. Drinking just makes everything more miserable, despite the fact that we think it's comforting us.

Thepatman

I lost my mom in 2007 so I know what's it like to jump in rhe wine barel to deal with the pain. Did the pain start when you lost her or it just increased it?
That "pain" of living has been with me fir the longest time. My dad passed when I was 5, attached to my grandpa, he died of booze related liver cancer.

For me this is when the pain of living started. You have to try to track back when this started. Step one, then you can start processing it.

Anna

Losing a parent is very difficult and I'm sorry for your loss.

It could be that therapy would help. For me, I had to accept that I don't feel comfortable in crowds or with people I don't know well and it's okay. It just is. Have you talked to your dr about the possibility of depression or anxiety?

losteverything

I appreciate your responses. I am not drinking...the thing is, coffee and tea and cigarettes, and diet pop, and excercise, and walking the dog? They all aren't filling this huge emptiness inside... I can pretend they do, everyday, but they dont... I can eat until I feel like i need to spit up, I can gym everyday until I am exhausted, I friggin hate coffee now, cant stand that people feel so satisfied with it.....its just a gross drink that gives me heartburn and yellow teeth and a head ache...I cant find what I am missing. Its not alcohol, no worries there...I just cant find any happiness..and when People ask me, what would make you happy? I have no clue....I think I am a lost soul...

losteverything

Anna, I have been on maximum dosage anti depressants for a year now..and I just cancelled my vacation plans for January, because i was at a good friends house a few weeks ago, for a social gathering where we all would play our instruments, and I couldn't breathe..I literally was shaking to death, scared the hell out of my son...

Pondlady

I agree, I'd talk with your doctor about this. If you're suffering from depression and anxiety, there is help. Don't give up hope.

penny74

"...should I spend the rest of it in therapy, counselling, psychoanalysis..what? .."

No.. l don't think you should.
l think you should find your own strength and balance and try doing it yourself.
You can do it.. !

Hollyanne

Cut out all the stimulants? and consider talking to your doctor about a change in your medicine?
I was on an antidepressant at one point and it just made me calm and fat.
With the help of a psychopharmacologist, I changed to a combo of two that worked really well, and I lost the weight! And it helped me stay sober once I got sober.
I gave them up last year but now I know what works if I need them.
So, maybe you are kind of throwing too much at it and some of the wrong things.

neferkamichael

Losteverything, I just hope it doesn't take you 20+ years of falling of the wagon like it did me. No matter, never give up on being sober. Rootin for ya.

Thepatman

Maybe do something you always wanted? Buy a Dirt bike, a boat to go fishing, there must be something you can think of that you never tried before?

Cofee is not really good for you except in the mornings.

I'm sitting here trying to figure out what to say to help.

losteverything

Thank you all..... seriously..
I dont have a clue why I feel like this...empty, completely lost, forlorn, despondant, with a why the f@#$ should i even bother thing. You all aren't psychologists, therapists, doctors, just compadres, internet friends, cyber people.. I dont know where the fill me up happiness comes from, i dont even know where to start looking. Yes, having my children, when they are here, helps pass the hours...we laugh, we have a good time, we do physical things, watch movies...and yet, its not enough? thats how I feel..like, pretending..like, everyone elses life is so much more, so much more exciting, more fulfilling, more....and waking up hungover hating myself was hard. Waking up sober still hating myself is so much harder, because then I have nothing to blame it for....

amy55

This is something just based on a conversion that I had with a good friend of mine. Please take what you can and leave the rest, if it doesn't apply then that is ok.

My friend (male) has depression. I have been his friend for over 35 years. He had married another good friend of mine. They had a terrible marriage. After they were divorced, we talked about it a lot. Him bringing it up, not me. He told me that he had always felt an emptiness. He loved his ex very much, was sorry he messed it up, also told me that he had blamed her for so much, because he just felt empty. But when he really thought about it, it wasn't her. She gave him as much as she could, and more.

He realized that she could never give him enough, she could never replace the love he didn't have when he was growing up, because she wasn't the one who took it away from him. But he still couldn't let go.

If I am way off base here, then just disregard this

Sapling

I'm not a doctor or a shrink...Or any other medical professional. But I am an alcoholic.....And I know those symptoms that you're talking about. I tried quitting on my own once....I couldn't live with myself. My ex wife told me I was better off drinking....So I went back to drinking...And got worse. Years later...I read the Big Book and it made some promises if I worked those 12 steps would come true. Wouldn't you know it...They did. It's an option....And it won't cost you anything.

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

BB pg 83 & 84

Windancer

I have moments when I feel like that. In the past I have had long spells that have felt like that. Ive learned that they pass, and live can get better, and will. I too have wondered what I am doing going to so many freakin' appointments. But it will pay off, and has so far, so Im going to keep it up knowing it wont be my whole life forever.

Sapling

Do you think you'll be cured?...The reason I ask...Is my alcoholism tells me this is something I'll have to be vigilant with the rest of my life.

FreddyBear

I hear you mate (male of 31 here). Very sorry for your Mom, it's unbelievably tough to loose the only person who cares and loves you unconditionally. I dread this day, so I'd prefer to be dead right before she does. I too just can't fit in, always feeling out of place and uncomfortable around others. Can't do anything about it, nothing helps. Social situations drain too much emotional power from me. If this is what I get from sobriety, than f*ck this sobriety. The only reason for my sober days is that my depression after a night of heavy drinking. It became so bad that I'm trying to stop. I used to be a happy drunk, but when I approached my 30th mark, I stopped being so. Happy with first 6 beers, numb after the rest, and horribly depressed 2 days after a binge. If it was not a depressive component in a hangover, I would drink my a$$ off, that's for sure.

I don't even have a chance for a family of my own because of my flawed personality. I wake up, eat, go work out, then work. Other than that, I sit in front of PC until the dark, go to lonely 2hr walks around the city, maybe visiting a movie theater (also alone) for a comedy and mcdonalds to keep my mood at bay. No family, no friends, no life. Life sucks big time.

You have children, they can give you the purpose to live and do something for them. Watch how they grow, achieve something, sounds great. Wish you all the best!

TSDD

Yep, growing a big set of coconuts will come in real handy on the tough days.

Some good advice you've given yourself. Hold onto your balls and stay sober.... growing up will sort itself out.

Windancer

Yes, I do believe I wont have to spend the rest of my life like this. It is getting better already. And if that is the case for me, it sure is for you too, Sapling