I lost my mom in 2007 so I know what's it like to jump in rhe wine barel to deal with the pain. Did the pain start when you lost her or it just increased it?
That "pain" of living has been with me fir the longest time. My dad passed when I was 5, attached to my grandpa, he died of booze related liver cancer.
For me this is when the pain of living started. You have to try to track back when this started. Step one, then you can start processing it.