Edelady28

Hi Everyone!

I'm new on here, 27 year old female. I have decided to give up alcohol and I'm finding it very hard. I'm on day 3 (last night of consumption was Saturday). I had a tough two years, which was the reason I began drinking in the first place. I won't go into detail, as I'm sure the primary reason for this website is to address the issue of addiction. My addiction began after a fairly bad break up of my seven year relationship, two years ago. I had suffered with anxiety for years, but it went away for a spell. As soon as my relationship ended, the anxiety returned and I started drinking wine to self medicate the panic attacks. It started off fairly mild. I would drink to excess at the weekend, and one night during the week, but my hangovers increased my anxiety. I wasn't working at the time which made me over think things. Eventually I realised that the weekend excess was not resolving my feelings, and I decided to move away, where I wasn't under the watchful eye of my parents who kept saying I never leave my room (they were worried). Luckily, as I'm fairly well educated, I got a great job in the new city. It was fine for a while, but then the lonlieness started to kick in at night, not to mention boredom. I started drinking wine maybe 3 or 4 times a week (weekend inclu) at night whilst texting my friends etc, and it made me feel happy. Unfortunately, I suffer with the worlds worst hangovers and with that, the worlds worst anxiety, which renders me bed bound the entire day after. Eventually, I started calling into work sick, and I received my final warning, which upset me so much I actually decided that I was never going back to my job. Which I didn't. So I sat at my house every single day bored, keeping up the same routine. I decided then I'd had enough. Went back to do an internship as the economy was fairly bad at this stage, so I couldn't get work despite my best efforts. I kept up the bottle of wine every second or third night and the same thing happened again. I walked out of the job and didn't go back because of the anxiety/hangover combination. Now I'm not working at all, and I think I'm a functioning alcoholic. I get up, have a shower, get dressed, do my make up etc. and go about my daily business. I clean the house, do the shopping, everything normal that people do. I'm back in University the last two months but my lectures are infrequent so I have a lot of 'me' time. So things got worse when I started Uni and with all this 'me' time. I started drinking during the day, at about 3pm, and two bottles of wine, before I pass out. The next day I'm too hungover to move and I can't drink. I hide bottles so nobody knows how much I actually drink. I drink before I go to any social event at the weekend, or even to a friends house, so I'm bubbly and full of life when I arrive. I went to the doctor who prescribed Lexapro and Xanax for depression and anxiety (I didn't mention my alcohol intake). I've taken one or two Xanax since but I can't take the lexapro because I don't think I need them. Anyway, my point is, now that I drink that much every day/second day, am I an alcoholic or am I just bored and using alcohol to fill an emptiness in my dismal schedule? Because I don't really know anymore. I had huge argument with my sister at the weekend, but it was my fault. I was really drunk. I fell off the sofa and hit my head, and then I walked out of her house to go home after the argument. In the process, I hopped a wall to run away from a dog who started growling at me, and my legs are black and blue right now. I thought it was funny on Sunday to be honest, in fact, I couldn't stop laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of it. Recapping the night reminded me of something you'd see in some tacky soap on tv. I was so hungover I didnt care what had happened and my sister was so upset, along with my brother that I decided I wasn't drinking anymore when the hangover was gone yesterday. Now I'm on day three. I have a slight headache, but nothing bad to report in terms of withdrawal. My anxiety however, is completely horrific and I feel like crying and screaming and the thought of never drinking again is putting the biggest knot in my stomach. I just don't know if I can do it and I'm scared. Also may I point out that the ONLY reason I'm doing this is for my family because I know they are hurting seeing me like this. I honestly don't really care about myself or my health because I've already come to terms with the fact I'm a disaster. Does it get easier? Should I keep going? When the hangover is gone, it feels like it never happened, and I feel normal again, that's why I start all over again. I hate being this way, I used to be so happy and confident Now I've gained weight and I've cut myself off from the world because I look a pathetic sight. I'm getting wrinkles under my eyes from lack of sleep. I'm just so scared. I'm ruining my life and I can't fix it. I want a drink so bad and to forget about everything. Why did my life become like this? My parents are proud people, and so am I and this is the one thing I have no control over and I can't stand it! Any advice greatly appreciatd! Thanks guys x

Elisabeth888

Just don't take a drink, one day at a time.

For me, the first drink sets off a chain of extreme crumminess. The anxiety you speak of is absolutely unbearable. It goes away after about two weeks, or for me it did. I can't go through it again, so I go to AA, have a sponsor and am working the steps.

There are many other ways to maneuver recovery though. SMART, AVRT, Celebrate Recovery, therapy.... I would choose one and start working on it though. Because you will forget how crappy it was and drink.

Also, if the doctor prescribed you lexapro, why are you not taking it?

wpainterw

Edelady: Thanks for signing on to SR. That's a very good thing, a step in the right direction. You ask whether you're an alcoholic. Only you can determine that. There are plenty of checklists to help you. Just google up "alcoholism" plus "checklist". There are checklists on this SR site. Rather than ask this question, perhaps it could be put differently: "To what degree has alcohol taken over your life? What problems has your drinking caused for you? Has drinking made you happier, made it easier for you to cope with stuff? Has it cheered you up- I mean in the long run rather than just for a moment or two?"
You say that it you stop you'd do it for "others", not for yourself, because, you say, you don't care about yourself. My experience has been that I could only stop drinking if I did it for myself, because I cared about myself. I could not stop if I just did it for others. Why not think this over. You really matter. Your life really matters. I don't know you. I'll never meet you but you matter to me or I would not be writing this.
Anyway, its wonderful that you're checking in with these SR folks. They're wonderful and they can help. They can listen to you. They can help you not feel lonely. They can help you feel better about yourself. One last thing. If you go to a doctor consider telling the doc. the whole story. Pick a doc who knows something about alcoholism. What do you have to lose by doing this? It's all confidential. And consider joining or at least attending some group of recovering persons. It doesn't have to be AA. If it is, then shop around for a congenial group. Some are different than others. There may be one for you. Good luck. Keep in touch.

W.

Lionhearted1

Hi thanks for the post it was very detailed. By the sounds of things you could be an alcoholic but only you know that. Alcohol is very cunning, powerful and baffling and will make you forgett how bad things where after a very short time some people it's a day a week or a month. I relate to the anxiety the next day I too suffered some horrendous hangovers but as soon as you stop and give your body time to heal that stuff will leave you and you will be feeling better than you have in years. Try not to think so far in advance about not drinking try just thinking of not drinking today and do the same everyday you will soon see how quick the time goes and how much fun you can have sober. Have you thought about any recovery groups aa or smart, avrt to be honest I feel you do really need support and knowledge around this stuff. Just to clarify a lot of alcoholics drink for a lot of different reasons but the 1 thing we all have in common is that once we start we can not stop and once we have stopped we can not stay stopped for very long. Dont let what I say do the opposite because it does not mean every time you drink you lose control it means that if you have to control yourself drinking just 1 glass not 2 or 1 bottle and not 2 you have an issue!! look at it the other way do ou ever say to,yourself today I won't drink and by the evening you are drunk see that is the problem right there, it's a mental obsession as well as a physical allergy!! Good luck

zanzibar

Hi EdeLady, welcome. It sounds to me like you have every reason not to drink listed. IMO the reasons you drink have everything to do with recovery. Boredom and alcohol are never a good mix throw in anxiety and wham! Look around the boards, and I really do hope you make the decision to stop. You'll find all kinds of support here.

Jitterbugg

Hi Edelady,
I can relate to your situation. I also missed a lot of work due to the crippling hangovers from the night before. I quit a really good job because I was terrified of being fired. My next two jobs I was actually fired. Missing work, hiding bottles, and day-drinking are signs of a serious drinking problem. I went to rehab and it saved my life. I hope you do something about your drinking now before things get worse.

diha

I can definitely relate to your story. I was going through a custody battle and my ex was harassing and threatening me. He was addicted to cocaine. He actually showed up at my place one night with a car full of men. Mind you I was 8 months pregnant with his child. He was banging on the door demanding money for drugs. Anyways, that's when it started for me. I became very scared, anxious, and depressed once my son was born and the custody battle started. The alcohol calmed me down and made me forget the hell he was putting me through. He ended up in prison for 5 years but he and his parents continued with the harassment the entire time. I am no longer afraid of him. I just think he is a huge ass.
I know that alcohol makes everything worse now yet I still convince myself that I can drink in moderation. Not this time though. I don't need it and neither do you. The hardest part is finding new friends and hobbies. Everyone I know drinks in excess so it seems normal but there are a lot of people out there who do not. It is not normal to depend on alcohol to make it through the night or to mask your emotions whether it be boredom, anxiety, sadness... There are no benefits to consuming alcohol. Be good to yourself and stop. You deserve it.

Thepatman

Don't be so hard on yourself. If you determined you have a problem with alcohol then you need to take steps to adress that specifically. The other issues will most likelly resolve themselves at the same time as you work on the core issue.

There are many ressources on this site, AA, SMART, AVRT etc.

Welcome on SR! Glad you joined!

Eventide

Welcome Edelady, this is a great site for finding out about how alcohol affects the body and the mind. I found the book 'Under the influence' very enlightening - there is lots going on at a cellular level which we are not aware of, which you may find helpful to know about because it explains so much about the reasons why some people have trouble with alcohol.
This knowledge has helped me greatly in my own coping strategies and it may help you too.

Delilah1

Welcome to SR, keep posting and reading, you will find lots of support here.

Anna

Welcome,

Only you can decide if you are an alcoholic or not. An easy way to find out would be to stop drinking for a fixed period, say one month, and see what happens. If you're not an alcoholic, you should have no problem doing that.

I can relate to the anxiety/drinking/more anxiety cycle. I lived in that cycle for 3 years before I was finally able to get out of it. And, yes, I still have anxiety, but it's manageable for the most part.

Personally, I don't think you can stop drinking for someone else. Ultimately it has to be something that you want for yourself because it takes a lot of motivation. If you stop drinking and look clearly at the situation, you may very well find that you believe you are worth saving.

Lenina

edelady,

welcome to SR. I drank to self medicate too. many of us need a plan to help us stay quit. The first drink is the one that gets us!

You might check out this link from the Secular Connections thread. AVRT and Rational Recovery really helped me. AA is a good program too.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...iscussion.html

Love from Lenina

MegTheRunner

Hi Edel, welcome to SRC.. I've only been around here a short time but these forums and the SR group has proven very helpful to me and I really hope you find the advice and input you're looking for the way I have..

That being said I'm only 2 months sober but I can relate to your story so I want to say that what you are feeling now is normal and although times may be terribly hard and lonely now, they will get better. Sure, you will experience painfully bad days but if you truly want to get sober and stay that way, you should use resources available to you. Forums such as these for venting and asking questions are great. The success rate of A.A. has proven to be such a reliable tool for sobriety (so long as you work the program) that most physicians and counselors will recommend it to you. Don't get me wrong, you don't have to participate in A.A. as many of the members here will tell you and still stay sober. Choose your own path to sobriety, fulfillment, and happiness. It just may be easier to overcome an obstacle when you have people around you who are going through the same thing or have been through the same thing. Remember: strength in numbers..

I am always looking into the hows and the whys for things that happen including my ongoing struggle with drinking. For me the search for the truth started with defining what I was. A while back I wondered am I an alcoholic or do I just abuse a substance? Am I a functioning drunk or what?? Well if you really want to get to specifics the DSM for Mental Disorders breaks down the two: you can Google DSM-IV-TR Criteria for Alcohol Abuse (DC 305.00) and Criteria for Alcohol Dependance (DC 303.90) to get an idea what the differences are. One of the main differences between the two is withdrawals and physical dependence. But don't get that confused with severe anxiety and symptoms which coincide with it (like headaches, stomach aches, nausea, even chest pain and so on). I think many people have more of a "mental dependance" and for that classify themselves as alcoholic. Really terms are just words nothing more. Does defining it change anything? No not really right? My truth was that for many years drinking caused problems with work and school, I've had ongoing problems with family, friends, relationships, etc which were only made worse by drinking, and yet drinking was all I thought about and all I wanted to do. I tried quitting numerous times and yet it always lured me back. In fact I'm terrified of that little voice telling me it's ok to drink again. I still miss drinking but not nearly like I did in the beginning. Call it what you will, alcoholic or not, me and drinking do not equal a good thing. It sounds to me like this maybe similar to your case.

A note on anxiety, it also gets better with or without medication. But these things take alot of time. I still have a ton of anxiety but my shaky hands are nearly gone now (that's in less than 60 days and I don't consider myself a textbook DSM alcoholic). I consider myself an alcoholic because I cannot handle drinking. I can't stop and it effects me in terrible ways. I should not drink ever. Period.

This friend is what you and only you have to figure out. You have to ask yourself has your life become unmanageable? Has drinking effected your relationships, jobs, self worth, etc? If so quitting drinking is the absolute best thing for you. Like the others said though, when you say I'm quitting for my parents or whoever, you're already setting yourself up to fail. I know that sounds harsh but it's true. You have to quit for you and no one else. We all go through times when we want to drink again, I felt it so much in the beginning. I thought, what's the point I'm alone, I can't hurt anyone, who cares.. But I remembered the time I fought with my brother, my sister, my ex-friend, my ex-partner.. I think of all the crap I did when drunk and although I can't change the past and start over and be "like I used to be", I can start again and have a much happier, better life all the way around. 3 days is awesome! 4 will be even better. Keep going, the fact you're here now means you've given real thought to sobriety and that's huge. Good luck, I hope you don't feel so alone, or at least know that someone (many really) have gone through the same thing. Best wishes, stay strong.

wpainterw

Anna: I agree with your statement that you can't stop drinking for someone else and you have to do it for yourself. However, your suggestion that if one can stop drinking for a month or some definite period with no ill effect then one is not an alcoholic does not correspond to my experience. I was able to stop drinking for seven years, resumed drinking and drank off and on for 13 more years. My illness progressed and I didn't finally get into recovery until 24 years ago. I have been sober ever since. After having stopped drinking for seven years I decided that I was "O.K.", that I could "handle it". I was wrong, really wrong. The alcoholism was there waiting for me and welcomed me back! It's still there waiting patiently for me. Today is Wednesday. If I had "just one drink" I'd probably be in the hospital by the beginning of next week-either there or dead.
The best way to approach this issue, I think, is to consult the various checklists available from numerous medical sources as well as on this SR website.
You're doing such a fine service to us all as administrator. We're so lucky to have someone like you keep things on an even keel. Thanks so much for doing all that!

W.

W.

MIRecovery

I went 6 years and then 6 months. Picked up right where I left off both times. I am an alcoholic which is a cronic condition

wpainterw

Meg. That's good stuff you wrote there! I agree that it's not crucial what you call it, whether you call it "alcoholism", "dependence", a "disease", an "illness" or maybe just a "condition". What's important is the extent to which alcohol or some other habit forming substance has taken over your life. And what the long term implications of that might be. And whether it might be well (even necessary) to make some long term changes just to survive. And whether the main change is not to drink or take some drug which is causing the trouble. There are checklists galore but these aren't much use unless the situation has become so desperate that you realize that you just can't go on lying to yourself. That takes a long time for some folks. Some don't get that far and some of those die. But for many there comes a time when you just say "I can't do this any more. I can't live like this. I'll do anything to get free of this." The AA people call this "Step 1" but it doesn't have to be AA. It really doesn't matter what you call it but this is the way recovery begins. It's the gateway to all the rest. And once you enter the gate the road inside is steep and hard but it gets smoother and easier as you go along.
It took me forty years to get to that gate. Often I thought I was there but it was all an illusion. And often in those days I think that death was at my back, looking over my shoulder and waiting patiently. What made me change? I honestly don't know.

W.

quitforme79

You're not alone here lady28. Only you can decide whether or not you are an alcoholic. I am only able to stay sober one day at a time. I am almost 6 weeks in and I can tell you that the anxiety lessens greatly. After about a week I didn't feel anxious at all. I too drank to self medicate. I spoke to my Dr honestly about my drinking and started going to AA. I hope you feel better soon. ((hugs))

kam00096

Hey Edelady. Your situation sounds very much like mine. I too was doing the wine most/ every night and during the day thing, had my parents worried sick about me (and wondering why I never left my room) and was self medicating to get a break from constant overwhelming anxiety. I've left a number of jobs after warnings about my attendance (as I felt it was better to leave than be fired).

I've had some major slips this year and to be totally honest my anxiety hasn't lessened (but I have a lot of issues with a phobia I'm trying to work through). I will say this though, when I'm not drinking I don't feel as guilty about things or as ashamed of myself. Yeah I may still feel sad and lonely and anxious but at least I have my self respect back. And I know I'm not such a worry to my family.

As far as meds go, my docs have been great since I was completely honest with them and I'm taking something that i hope is helping me (I know there are many differing opinions about meds on here but that's just my experience so far). And with looking and feeling horrible, that defi will pass. I don't look puffy and bleary eyed anymore and am sure you will feel better about yourself soon if you stay clear of the booze.

SR is an awesome place for support. Hope you find lots of help and advice on here x

Edelady28

Hey everyone...so I had a relapse..on Monday night I drank two bottles of wine and had a hangover that was so bad yesterday I fainted I feel like a complete failure...why is this so hard...I've always known I had a very 'addictive' personality from quite a young age. For example, when I was younger, I would switch off my feelings by being obsessed with computer games, then it evolved to reading (one book after the next so I'd stop thinking), and the book trend lasted up until last year when all this drinking started...it feels like I'm always looking for something to stop me from 'feeling'. I'm very upset with myself, and as I'm quite a weak person (I once would got sick at the drop of a hat), I know my body can't take it anymore, despite the fact Im in my twentys. My last binge (before this one), scared me because I had a bad nose bleed...followed my shorting pain up one side of my head. I get that pain periodically now. My cycle is completely messed up. I know I'm damaging myself, so I can't understand why I don't love myself enough to stop, why don't I care about myself? Or my family? I feel so selfish...if anything ever happened me they would be devastated. (They don't know about my addiction). I hate being this way :/

wpainterw

Edelady wrote:
"Also may I point out that the ONLY reason I'm doing this is for my family because I know they are hurting seeing me like this. I honestly don't really care about myself or my health because I've already come to terms with the fact I'm a disaster."

Edelady: At one point you said that your family didn't know that you were an addict and then you say that they are hurting seeing you like this. And at other times you question whether you are an "alcoholic" and yet you say elsewhere that you are an "addict". What difference does it make what you call it? It seems obvious that you're having great difficulty, that you're unhappy and that wine is involved. You pass out, have problems at work and yet you say you are a "functioning alcoholic". You say that you don't care about yourself. You say that you've "come to terms with the fact that [you say you're] a disaster."
What does that mean-"coming to terms" with this situation? Calling yourself a "disaster" sounds like just a cop out to continue drinking. Isn't it time now to start caring about yourself, do yourself a favor by getting help, both professional help and the companionship of others who have similar problems? The help is there. Why not go for it instead of just letting the situation get worse and worse, as it often does.

W.