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Old 10-25-2012, 04:47 PM   #1 (permalink)
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First Day Sober... Having trouble letting the guilt of relapse go


Hi everyone,

I've never posted in a forum before...In the last year I have experienced major loss, trauma, and violence. I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD, and have been on short term disability from my job. I am only 25 and work in the makeup industry...Experiencing all of this has made me so isolated that in the last year I've launched head first into drinking almost every day and smoking weed every day. I get into fights, blackout, or do things I regret when drinking. Smoking has only made it worse.

I have woke up almost every morning in the past 2-3 months fully intending to stop using, only to relapse that evening. It's causing me so much guilt and pain that I begin to feel hopless. How do I forgive myself enough to believe I can stay sober? I've been so ashamed/depressed and I am terrified to go to a meeting.

Any and all tips help.

<3

J
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Old 10-25-2012, 04:59 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Your situation sounds a lot like mine. I'm 24, and I survived getting shot at a couple times, and unfortunately some of the people i was with did not. I was already a partier, but now if I drink, I keep going till i black out (and thats when my anger comes out.) I recently got in a fight with my brother and decided to stop drinking completely.

It sucks because even though I havent been drinking, my family still reminds me of how out of control I can get. But I've only drank once in the last month and I am gaining everyone's trust back, including my own lol.
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Old 10-25-2012, 05:01 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Instead of worrying about what youve done and are ashamed of, just do your best to become the person you want to be.
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Old 10-25-2012, 05:03 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Oh and one more thing...it sucks to relapse, but it sounds like you're gradually making progress, which is great
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Old 10-25-2012, 05:07 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR! I had a lot of guilt about what I had done when I was using, but the more time I was in recovery and the further I distanced myself from the "old me" it did get better. Some things we can't undo, but we can make sure we don't repeat the same thing.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 10-25-2012, 05:10 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Welcome!

You are not hopeless and you deserve a good life. I allowed guilt and shame to prevent me from getting well for a long time. Don't fall into that trap.

If what you're doing is not working, try something else. Take a different route home from work, don't buy alcohol, go to a gym after work, do whatever it takes to get through the day. There is lots of support here.
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Old 10-25-2012, 05:17 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Trikuza-

I have experienced the same thing with family reminding me of how I can be when drinking too. We are all in this together! I'm glad that I'm not alone.
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Old 10-25-2012, 05:34 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Hi and welcome xxseekingsoberx

It can be hard when you drink to deal with feelings like remorse shame guilt & fear , but drinking is causing you to have those feelings...

Support really helps tho, and you'll find a lot of that here

It possible to stay sober - even when we haven't quite dealt with some of the underlying reasons that factor into why we drink

Check out our Class of October thread in this forum - you'll find a lot of support there as well

D
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Old 10-25-2012, 05:35 PM   #9 (permalink)
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That cycle is like a personal hell for me. I totally relate.

Trust me, the first part of quitting is the worst. You just have to do it, then the work of staying quit begins. But honestly, the only way is one day to just stop.

As far as guilt, you cant change the past. Tomorrow is not here yet. So what do you want right now?
You say you want to forgive yourself.
Do it. You aren't a bad person, just a person in a bad spot. And the power to make it better.

And check out some meetings if you want to. Everyone else there is messed up and broken, so theres nothing to fear. You know all those people at the bar?
Same kind of people, just they aren't drinking anymore.
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Old 10-25-2012, 06:19 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Double your post REALLY helps.
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