That cycle is like a personal hell for me. I totally relate.
Trust me, the first part of quitting is the worst. You just have to do it, then the work of staying quit begins. But honestly, the only way is one day to just stop.
As far as guilt, you cant change the past. Tomorrow is not here yet. So what do you want right now?
You say you want to forgive yourself.
Do it. You aren't a bad person, just a person in a bad spot. And the power to make it better.
And check out some meetings if you want to. Everyone else there is messed up and broken, so theres nothing to fear. You know all those people at the bar?
Same kind of people, just they aren't drinking anymore.