whatsgoingon

Don't know whats going on with me today. My moods are all over the place and I feel quite emotional.

Its day 5 for me and the first 4 were great and now today I feel really unsettled. I just spoke to an old friend, my best friend. He has no idea of what I'm going through and I really wanted to tell him but I just couldn't and now I feel completely flat. To be honest I came close to tears.

The only people who know that I've got a drink problem and that I am suffering with depression is you lot!

I would like to share this someone but I dont know who I can trust.

I think my first 4 days were easy, now all of a sudden I feel lost and distant. I have know intention of drinking, I just feel really low.

Fandy

A wise person on these boards told me something I follow and use.

the difference between a bad day and a good day is about 2 days.

your emotions are going to fluctuate, accept that for now, look at the big picture and be grateful for the growth. (feelk free to check out the gratitude threads too. a grateful person won't drink)

Vall

Hi sneeker,

what are you doing right now?

Try not to worry you are not alone you know that.

Lucky you in Cardiff the land of rugby union which I love!

Think of a few things that make you happy - go out even walking, change your head for a while :>

soulgypsy

Sorry you are feeling that way, sneeker. It will pass, I promise!

I am going at this sobriety thing alone too. The only person I have shared my alcoholism with was my doctor--not my friends or loved ones (I was a secret drinker--hiding the quantity of alcohol consumed from everyone). My doctor didn't exactly give me emotional support, but she was understanding, non-judgmental and did listen--which helped. I think it helped me to actually say that I had a drinking problem out loud to another human being. Somehow that helped the reality of it resonate within me.

I have been doing yoga, meditation and breathwork. It really helps when I feel stress, or that "unsettled" feeling you mention, coming on. Even just 2 or 3 minutes of mindful breathing helps.

I wish you a joy and peace today.

whatsgoingon

I have just realised that Tuesday's are a bit of a trigger for me.

To kid myself that I dont have a drink problem I would always not drink on Sundays and Mondays, never. Once I reached Tuesday my alcohol voice would rejoice that I had once again proved my sobriety so it was indeed absolutely fine to have a drink.

Today is TUESDAY. Doh. My mind and body are clearly expecting a few drinks as per normal. I have not had a drink free Tuesday in like months. Tonight will be a big challenge. I completely forgot the significance of why I was feeling down today, my whole being is expecting alcohol.

I maybe on day 5 of being sober, but today is my first real big test. In the old days (like last week lol!) I would drive home and stop on route at a supermarket and pick up a a bottle of wine and a four pack of beers. I would hide them in my gym bag so could easily smuggle them into the house. At around 7pm my wife would disappear to put the baby to bed and BINGO I would load the fridge and freezer with booze, hiding bottles behind milk cartons and underneath the frozen peas etc. I would start cooking dinner and by the time my wife came back downstairs I would have always had 2 or 3 beers already. I would offer her a glass of wine which she would generally accept and so not to be rude I'd have one with her. I'd tell her to go and relax in the lounge and promptly return to the kitchen for another beer. Another glass of wine with dinner and we'd watch TV for a bit. As the loving husband that I am I would always offer to wash up and say why don't you go get ready for bed. Another couple of glasses of wine while I washed up and then Id stagger upstairs by which time my wife would be asleep and none the wiser that I was completely bollxed. Welcome to my Tuesday!

Wish me luck guys, I better hold on tight.

Sugarfix

Day 5 for me too also feeling lost. No intentions of drinking though whatsoever

Just feel flat about it all.

It's also Domino's Tuesday

Fandy

well this Tuesday, perhaps you can take the savings $$$ from not buying wine and beer and buy your wife flowers? sit down and talk to her and tell her what you have been doing this last 5 days? She may already know anyway. Maybe you can make some sober fun plans for the weekend?

Vall

I don't know how long you have been drinking secretly sneeker...but if your wife really knows you, believe me, she knows :>

Time to sit down and talk maybe?

You sound a very strong soul so I am not worried about you this Tuesday :> - you know what to do.

pipparina

Keep posting here, even if it is every minute, to tell us how you got through that additional minute NOT drinking. Whatever you feel, it will pass. Just don't pick up that drink. Don't even give yourself the option.

We have all been there. We know how that voice gets louder and louder "drink me drink me". But think how thrilled you will be tomorrow morning after you have survived today and tonight sober.

we're there with you. Just remember that.

danthehunter

i found until i told people, it was never real. I'd say I'm off the sauce for a bit cause of (lent, new medication, etc) cause I didn't want to come clean. Last week I finally emailed my brother and two best friends and said, not dramatically but kinda funny, I've decided to give up drinking (they all knew it killed my sis) - so have some Odouls around for me and if you see me with a beer slap me or something!

Nothing weird, everyone supported me.... NOthing like what I expected. Now I have no "out" down the line like I always used to. My decision is made - I'm an alcoholic and I want to stop drinking forever.

whatsgoingon

Well....

I survived my first challenge, just.

It was not the best of nights however and I am surprised that I did not cave in under the pressure.

I had a petty argument with my wife about not getting the kids to bed on time and spending about 5 quid more than I should have at the shop. My wife has this awful habit of blowing things at out of proportion and instead of just mentioning her gripe she will literally go on and on about which generally pisses me off and makes very unhappy. Yesterday as you all know I was have having a massive stress about making it through the day without a drink. My wife does not know I have a problem, not that is any excuse, and she turned a really stupid disagreement into a full scale row. I went to bed extremely sad and feeling like this is all pointless.

Ok so I made it. I'm now on day 6 of my new sober lifestyle but I don't feel great, in fact I'm still down in the dumps about yesterday. I'm still focused on staying sober and I don't have any intention of drinking but yesterday taught me a very valuable lesson:

Stopping drinking does not suddenly make everything right

Life does not change when you stop drinking. Arguments and disappointment are still part of everyday life. Yesterday I had to face up to those issues full on without any support from alcohol, there was no hiding place.

In a way achieved great things yesterday, I survived a really testing day without drinking.

I'm still not ready to discuss my problem with anyone. I'm hoping that I wont have to. My wife knows I suffer with depression and right now I think that is enough. If I can deal with the drinking myself I can always seek help about the depression at a later date. I'm hoping that the depression will get better without drink, I guess we'll have to wait and see on that. If it doesn't then I will have to get the courage to see my GP.

Now that I have conquered my first challenged and then some, I'm more determined to stay sober than ever before. I almost feel empowered to say screw you to alcohol, you wont get me.

Onwards and upwards my friends.

Saliena

Have you considered going to an AA meeting?

Sobersunshine

Good job Sneeker!
You got through a really tough day and even a row with your spouse and you STILL didn't drink. That is a fantastic accomplishment. Seriously.

Apart from medical professionals, I've only told two people so far about my alcoholism and recovery.

Have you thought about AA? I highly recommend it. I didn't think I'd like it but now it is my lifeline. What you say about life not changing when you quit drinking, if you don't mind my humble opinion, I think life CAN change when you quit drinking. If you go to a couple meetings you'll see what I'm talking about.
The other times I've tried to quit, I stopped drinking for a while, and life didn't change, I didn't change, and I went back to drinking.

AA is teaching me to look at "problems" as "situations to deal with."

If you really don't think AA is for you, then why not check out another type of support group? It really helps to be in a room of people who know exactly what you are going through.

And keep posting on SR! You are doing great.

Fandy

Count up all your $$$ savings from not drinking the last 6 days. perhaps it will add to a feeling of accomplishments.

When I first stopped drinking i realized i was saving enough to pay for the cable TV, internet and phone bill (about $200. a month)....and then added the utility bill to that...(another $160.)...it was shocking, but a very pleasant feeling to have extra cash instead of pouring it down my throat.

Dee74

I'm glad you got through, sneeker.

Personally though, learning to reach out was something I needed to learn....amd I'm glad I did.

I doubt I'd have made it just relying on myself.

Getting sober, and staying that way, is tough - you might be glad of more support.

Think about it anyway?

D

whatsgoingon

Thanks for all the advice guys.

I'm not ready and I dont really want to go to AA.

I agree I need someone to talk to but personally for me I think something one to one would be better. I think I need a mentor! I might go to the gp to discuss my depression and ask to be referred to a counselor or maybe a cbt therapist. I need to learn how to think and act more positively. I want to learn how to cope better in stressful situations. I feel I need some help and structure in my life.

As my mum always says, I need to be master of my own mind and my own destiny.

Easier said than done though eh but I'll keep trying!

I'm now on day 7! A whole week without a single drop!

Fandy

For me drinking exacerbated my depression, which led to drinking to deal, which led to more depression and constant insomnia.
you'VE broken the cycle. You're doing great

las75

Sneeker:
Wow! Great job getting through the day. I had done the same thing hiding drinking from my husband. He always figured it out but is a heavy (but controlled) drinker himself so didn't seem to get too upset.
I'm not sure about your general relationship with your wife but, although difficult, it feels sooo much better for me to share my struggle with my husband and I truly believe it makes us stronger. If she knows the struggle you're going through she might be more likely to support your efforts and celebrate your successes WITH you! If anything, keep the future of that baby in mind. A strong 'team' of loving parenting is the best thing for that little one. Good luck!