MightyMung

So, i've gotten to university and, once again, I seem unable to make friends. There's some nice people in my flat, but there's only so many times I can reject their invites out on the basis that I can't drink. I told one of them I was an alcoholic and then regretted it immediately, but luckily she seems to have forgotten (she was three sheets to the wind at the time...)

Anyway. I've always been horrendous at making small-talk, and the people i'm living with are the archetype well brought up, confident children from upper middle class homes. I have NOTHING in common with them, but instead of moping around in an alcoholic/drug induced coma i'm going to try to use this to my advantage and push for a 1st class degree.

I wanted to make this thread to ask people if it's possible to cut yourself off from the world for the sake of your sobriety? I say this because I know I will cave if I keep trying to stand in university kitchens, making awkward small-talk with people who are drinking.

I'd love to commit to solitude (not total, but only a few snatched conversations daily), but I fear it may not even be possible. Has anyone had any experience with doing something similar? And more importantly, did it work?

SoberForMySon

I live in solitutude in dumb crap AL. I don't suggest it. Find sober friends. Go to meetings. Do something. Do not live like I do. It will be your undoing.

MightyMung

I've found sober people, but never been able to make friends with them. I awkwardly squirm when talking to them and have to escape before I feel like I will actually keel over and die of embarrassment.

Although your comment is far from encouraging, I think it is the truth. Shame really - miserable and lonely or miserable and drunk seem to be the only two options for someone such as myself, who has stunted his development and as a result, still feels like a 13 year old boy socially speaking.

FredG

I'm not sure you need to commit to solitude as much as you need to hang out with others that don't drink. I'm not even sure that its possible to commit to solitude in today's information age.

Not everyone drinks.

AA meeting in your town is Sundays at 10:30 AM

Cornerstone, 10 Kimberly Rd, (at Bull Meadow Rd), EXETER DEVON ENGLAND

SoberForMySon

My friend, you are wise far beyond your years. Misery is far from your only choice. Take it from me. I am 32 and lost. Find a better road. So it is uncomfortable? They feel the same way. Give them a chance. Beauty and comfort lie often in the least looked at places. You delight and fascinate. I shall follow with interest, my intelligent new friend.

tomsteve

i'm with fred on this. i used to step away from society now and themn in my past. it didnt help. what did was getting around others who had been in my shoes and recovered fromt he hopeless state of mind that made them drink. those folks are in AA.

FredG

Just read your follow up comment - I'm neither miserable and lonely nor miserable and drunk. It's up to you to change your situation, or own it.

If all you're used to is hanging with other drunks, it's natural to feel uncomfortable around those who don't drink. If you want to change a major part of your life you have to make major changes in it. Not all will be comfortable

SoberForMySon

Fred speaks the voice of a wise man, friend

DeepBreath2012

I suggest seeking out a therapist and working on strategies to combat your social anxiety. Social anxiety can exist in people alcoholic or not and there are ways to combat it. Yes, not being able to hang around drinkers is one issue (and a big adjustment), but from reading your posts I do believe your social anxiety goes beyond trying to live soberly.

Best of luck!

MightyMung

I went to AA, and although it was interesting, it really isn't for me. If I can't make friends with people who are nice, genuine and friendly (such as the hundreds around me at uni) then I don't really see why i'd make friends with people at AA. I am unable to engage in fulfilling social situations. I speak and join in with conversations, yet I am the one left out. Body language perhaps? Who knows. I've tried for years now and it doesn't work. I have my solid friends, who will inevitably branch out and move away when they make new friends at uni too. I'm just trying to prepare for that by finding a new way to get through life without having to get pissed up.

MightyMung

I had counselling etc for months, and it just gave me an excuse to drink/use. I would leave a session and think "Oh, i'm strong enough to seek help for it, so it will be solved eventually. That means i'm also strong enough to drink today".

I'd rather not go back to therapy as it solidifies the fact that there's a "problem". Relying on outside influences to sort out the garbage heap that is my life won't work anymore. I've exhausted all of the external resources, now I need to explore the resources that may be within me.

MightyMung

Oh and sorry these posts are quite negative, i've read them back and realised I may have sounded hostile. I'm certainly not trying to be, but i'm not in the greatest of moods since I can hear everyone upstairs drinking moderately, and i'm having to battle it out with my AV who is telling me that "one drink can't hurt". Well, it most certainly can - there's a litre of Gordon's gin in the kitchen, and one sip would lead to the whole bottle. Nuh-uh. Not today.

MightyMung

I would give anything (my fertility, my legs) to NOT be wiser than my years. If what you say is true, maybe that explains why my peers (except for a select few) are such a mystery to me, and vice versa.

aeo1313

I don't want to be to assuming, but have you ever looked into aspergers as a possible cause for your social issues? Social situations seems to be a common theme in many of your posts. I am thinking of you and hoping this year at university is better than you think it will be.

SoberForMySon

But you are, so deal. Be smart. Find help and hope. Or don't, and fight it. But it's better with friends....

mecanix

I moved from plymouth to brittany for 5 years so i could not be around drinking people , unfortunately my alcoholism followed me .

Maybe tell people you're alergic to alcohol, it certainly makes me sick.

Friendships made at uni are transitory it is a tempoary kind of place . I'd say you need to pick and choose , who where and when if you are to avoid people using and abusing .

Why not look up drama clubs , hiking on the moors , canoeing , voulenteering (not bar work) at student union, if there is no club you fancy joining form one and organize it then people will be sociable and the pressure is off as the focus is on the activity and you can gently learn how to be sober and social .

Also there is nothing wrong with feigning a quick sickness to get out of a situation going wrong .. plenty of dodgey kebab shops to blame ..

In the end uni is about education for long term gain not getting drunk , just like being sober it's a long term win .

Bestwishes, M

hypochondriac

Practice makes perfect Jake.

I can't think of a single person I know who wasn't s**t scared when they went to Uni that they wouldn't make any friends. And Uni isn't like school where everyone grew up in the same place and has family connections and stuff. You get new people every year, and people leave every year, so you have plenty of opportunities to practice making friends with people.

Yes it is going to be scary but we learn by doing scary stuff. Get outside your comfort zone. You might have a few awkward conversations but hey, no offence but you would have a lot more awkward situations if you were drinking. You've told a few horror stories on here Jake so I'm thinking attempting to socialise sober is well within your capabilities.

Seriously, speaking as someone who used to be painfully shy, it does get easier the more you try, but it involves doing stuff that takes you out of your comfort zone. Like going to Uni sober x

benice

What do you like to do? There are several clubs to choose from. Pick something that interests you and you will find people with similar likes. Does your university have an athletic building? Do you do any type of athletics? If not, you can always run. You don't have to be fast. You will naturally be around people and sometimes a conversation will just start. Don't push it. Just let it happen - or not as luck may have it on any given day. Take your time.

You are not giving yourself enough credit. Afterall, you are sober and at a university. You are wise beyond your 18 years.

MightyMung

Every medical professional i've ever raised this issue with has been close to laughter at the prospect. My initial emotional response to reading your post was "how dare they?" but it quickly died once I realised that I suspect myself of having some sort of autism spectrum disorder. Unfortunately none of the medical personnel i've seen think I do. And even if they did, they'd only apply a meaningless label. I have two friends with asperger's, and it's very obvious that they are "different". Although I often suspect I may have a similar condition, I seem to have an amazing 'knowledge' of social situations, and it seems that some times I can master the situation whereas others I just need to flee. It's very frustrating. My problem seems to be being too aware of social mistakes, so I tend to avoid the possibility of making any at all by just staying out of uncomfortable situations. I do also have a hardcore of about ten friends who trust me with anything and see me as the center of their social solar system (an interesting image!) - something a doctor once told me is virtually impossible for an asperger's/autism sufferer, as they cannot hold down long term relationships.

I do appreciate your concern, and agree with you on many levels. I've been tempted to push for a "diagnosis" for my "condition", but to be honest I think i'm just unusual, and perhaps a bit behind the times. I don't think applying a medical label to myself would be beneficial, and all of the people i've spoken to don't think I even qualify for a "label".

benice

Jake - sorry about the wise beyond your years comment - - you posted before I hit send. Don't mean anything bad by it. It really IS a compliment!