Is it possible to commit to solitude for three years?
Jake, 19
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Devon, England
Posts: 212
Following on from previous post:
I'm lucky in that I have friends who ring me daily, and I don't want to take them for granted. It just seems that being around all these new people who are having fun together, superficially or not, makes me forget who I truly am.
I'm lucky in that I have friends who ring me daily, and I don't want to take them for granted. It just seems that being around all these new people who are having fun together, superficially or not, makes me forget who I truly am.
Jake, 19
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Devon, England
Posts: 212
And again:
I'm comfortable with my solid group of friends, and wouldn't change them for the world. I just feel a bit like a guy looking through a glass window into a club where everyone is having fun - uni is the "frontline" - my loneliness is amplified by not fitting in here, so to speak. This makes me forget that back at "base" I have strong foundations and friendships.
I'm comfortable with my solid group of friends, and wouldn't change them for the world. I just feel a bit like a guy looking through a glass window into a club where everyone is having fun - uni is the "frontline" - my loneliness is amplified by not fitting in here, so to speak. This makes me forget that back at "base" I have strong foundations and friendships.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
no offense taken at all, Jake...and I hope noone took it as me trying to suggest yours or anyone else's problems are less than mine at all - I was just sharing a little more of my story 
we all have our 'stuff' - and we all have to deal with it
D
we all have our 'stuff' - and we all have to deal with it
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 259
I'm very glad you're having success in your sobriety now. I just caution writing all external help off in one fell swoop. It took me over 15 years to find a therapist that I jivved with...sometimes it takes mixing things up. That's all I meant; don't write "therapy" off forever because you had one practioner that didn't seem to help, for example...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 155
I want to get back to your question about solitude. This past year I have been in graduate school with a heavy course load. I spent a lot of time reading journal articles and preparing for class. In January 2012 I signed up to do a 20 km run for June. I trained hard for this and had no social life. About monthly I would meet with classmates for a concert or some type of activity but that is all. No drinking, no girlfriend. By the time the 20 km run came around, I was in the best shape of my life, sober, and had great confidence in my ability to make friends. I got drunk a few weeks after the run, got out of shape and destroyed my confidence.
I have made a choice to not use alcohol again to not change my mind about it. I will be returning to my temporary journey of solitude and am just going to become the best person I can be. I think shifting the focus away from people outside and back into yourself is important. You really can't change all those people at uni but you can work on yourself. Are you involved in any athletics? Serious athletes tend to be sober when they are training. I suggest signing up for a half marathon.
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."
I have made a choice to not use alcohol again to not change my mind about it. I will be returning to my temporary journey of solitude and am just going to become the best person I can be. I think shifting the focus away from people outside and back into yourself is important. You really can't change all those people at uni but you can work on yourself. Are you involved in any athletics? Serious athletes tend to be sober when they are training. I suggest signing up for a half marathon.
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."
Jake, 19
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Devon, England
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by Mainza 
I want to get back to your question about solitude. This past year I have been in graduate school with a heavy course load. I spent a lot of time reading journal articles and preparing for class. In January 2012 I signed up to do a 20 km run for June. I trained hard for this and had no social life. About monthly I would meet with classmates for a concert or some type of activity but that is all. No drinking, no girlfriend. By the time the 20 km run came around, I was in the best shape of my life, sober, and had great confidence in my ability to make friends. I got drunk a few weeks after the run, got out of shape and destroyed my confidence.
I have made a choice to not use alcohol again to not change my mind about it. I will be returning to my temporary journey of solitude and am just going to become the best person I can be. I think shifting the focus away from people outside and back into yourself is important. You really can't change all those people at uni but you can work on yourself. Are you involved in any athletics? Serious athletes tend to be sober when they are training. I suggest signing up for a half marathon.
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."
I have made a choice to not use alcohol again to not change my mind about it. I will be returning to my temporary journey of solitude and am just going to become the best person I can be. I think shifting the focus away from people outside and back into yourself is important. You really can't change all those people at uni but you can work on yourself. Are you involved in any athletics? Serious athletes tend to be sober when they are training. I suggest signing up for a half marathon.
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."
I'm definitely going to get into it again actually - thanks for reminding me! I almost totally forgot about it since it's been so long since I last trained. Now I have something else to look forward to, thanks
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,022
One thing about sport participation is that it gives you a common identity with other people, it's an icebreaker and a way to meet new people. I am part of a running group in the city where I live on Facebook, and although I'm not really in shape to run with these people right now I'm going to work on it over winter and plan on meeting up for group runs next year.
The thing to remember about people is they like it when you ask them questions about their stuff. "Hey that's a nice bag, where did you get it?" Or their activities.. "so what did you do over the weekend?" People like talking about themselves, it's comfortable, they know all about the subject matter, and the fact of you asking validates them, which makes everyone feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I think I forgot a lot of these mundane social rituals when I was holed up in my house with a 1.75L of cheap gin, trying to take the paint off the walls of my stomach, so relearning how people interact has been fun.
So I just try to ask people dumb questions about themselves plus people are very interesting. You never know what crazy thing you're going to find out by asking a seemingly innocuous question. I guarantee no one will ever watch you walking away and think, "wow, that guy was a total moron, asking me about my life.." It's a pretty safe play.
Oh, also, how is uni going so far? do they have a nice gym?
The thing to remember about people is they like it when you ask them questions about their stuff. "Hey that's a nice bag, where did you get it?" Or their activities.. "so what did you do over the weekend?" People like talking about themselves, it's comfortable, they know all about the subject matter, and the fact of you asking validates them, which makes everyone feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I think I forgot a lot of these mundane social rituals when I was holed up in my house with a 1.75L of cheap gin, trying to take the paint off the walls of my stomach, so relearning how people interact has been fun.
So I just try to ask people dumb questions about themselves
plus people are very interesting. You never know what crazy thing you're going to find out by asking a seemingly innocuous question. I guarantee no one will ever watch you walking away and think, "wow, that guy was a total moron, asking me about my life.." It's a pretty safe play.Oh, also, how is uni going so far? do they have a nice gym?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 328
I was in a similar situation in high school. Got into a prestigious one on financial aid and wound up being surrounded by well-to-do or downright rich kids while my parents and I were fresh immigrants and my parents were still looking for work... fun times.
I totally get the weird love-hate relationship you have with your classmates. If you're anything like me, on the one hand you know they've never had to deal with half the crap you've had to deal with and you can't help but have some contempt for them... on the other hand you naturally want to belong and be one of them.
All I can say is be happy that they're friendly and you're all at a (semi-)mature age.
I think you shouldn't let that get in the way too much. I'm not sure about the transitory nature of the friends you make at uni. My experience has been that they're like the friends I've made anywhere else. Some I knew I would ditch sooner or later, some I knew I would stay in touch with.
The elephant in the room is that, even if you make new friends at the debating club rather than at the pub... given your age and the fact that you're at uni, they'll eventually ask you if you want to head over to the pub to hang out. You're going to need to find some way to deal with that.
Can't help you there, the social aspect of drinking is my weak spot too, but good luck.
P.S.
You can tell new acquaintances that you don't drink but don't tell them you're an alcoholic. Especially not the girls... unless you want to be lonely in more ways than one
I totally get the weird love-hate relationship you have with your classmates. If you're anything like me, on the one hand you know they've never had to deal with half the crap you've had to deal with and you can't help but have some contempt for them... on the other hand you naturally want to belong and be one of them.
All I can say is be happy that they're friendly and you're all at a (semi-)mature age.
I think you shouldn't let that get in the way too much. I'm not sure about the transitory nature of the friends you make at uni. My experience has been that they're like the friends I've made anywhere else. Some I knew I would ditch sooner or later, some I knew I would stay in touch with.
The elephant in the room is that, even if you make new friends at the debating club rather than at the pub... given your age and the fact that you're at uni, they'll eventually ask you if you want to head over to the pub to hang out. You're going to need to find some way to deal with that.
Can't help you there, the social aspect of drinking is my weak spot too, but good luck.
P.S.
You can tell new acquaintances that you don't drink but don't tell them you're an alcoholic. Especially not the girls... unless you want to be lonely in more ways than one
Jake, 19
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Devon, England
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by Notmyrealname
One thing about sport participation is that it gives you a common identity with other people, it's an icebreaker and a way to meet new people. I am part of a running group in the city where I live on Facebook, and although I'm not really in shape to run with these people right now I'm going to work on it over winter and plan on meeting up for group runs next year.
The thing to remember about people is they like it when you ask them questions about their stuff. "Hey that's a nice bag, where did you get it?" Or their activities.. "so what did you do over the weekend?" People like talking about themselves, it's comfortable, they know all about the subject matter, and the fact of you asking validates them, which makes everyone feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I think I forgot a lot of these mundane social rituals when I was holed up in my house with a 1.75L of cheap gin, trying to take the paint off the walls of my stomach, so relearning how people interact has been fun.
So I just try to ask people dumb questions about themselves plus people are very interesting. You never know what crazy thing you're going to find out by asking a seemingly innocuous question. I guarantee no one will ever watch you walking away and think, "wow, that guy was a total moron, asking me about my life.." It's a pretty safe play.
Oh, also, how is uni going so far? do they have a nice gym?
The thing to remember about people is they like it when you ask them questions about their stuff. "Hey that's a nice bag, where did you get it?" Or their activities.. "so what did you do over the weekend?" People like talking about themselves, it's comfortable, they know all about the subject matter, and the fact of you asking validates them, which makes everyone feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I think I forgot a lot of these mundane social rituals when I was holed up in my house with a 1.75L of cheap gin, trying to take the paint off the walls of my stomach, so relearning how people interact has been fun.
So I just try to ask people dumb questions about themselves
plus people are very interesting. You never know what crazy thing you're going to find out by asking a seemingly innocuous question. I guarantee no one will ever watch you walking away and think, "wow, that guy was a total moron, asking me about my life.." It's a pretty safe play.Oh, also, how is uni going so far? do they have a nice gym?
The uni has a great gym, but it's always packed! I'm going to sign up to a gym in the town center and get to know some people outside of the uni, so I can always "escape" to the gym from uni, rather than escaping to the bottle. I totally agree with you about the sports thing. It provides common ground and also keeps you fit - win win!
I've been asking people pointless questions actually - and it does work! Even though the people are just rabbiting at me rather than it being a two way conversation, it seems to make them more comfortable with me. You're right - i have to "relearn" these skills. I've had the same friends for so long, i've gotten too comfortable with how we interact!
Thanks for posting
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
I like to simplify things. When I was uncomfortable in my own skin, when I couldn't sit with me, when I didn't like me, I couldn't make friends.
Today, I know me more and I know I am okay just the way I am. A work in progress.
Those 12 steps helped me to feel okay in my own skin, to feel okay sitting with me and to even like me. I make friends more easily today, but it does take time to make friends. I also found this out, too!
Today, I know me more and I know I am okay just the way I am. A work in progress.
Those 12 steps helped me to feel okay in my own skin, to feel okay sitting with me and to even like me. I make friends more easily today, but it does take time to make friends. I also found this out, too!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 328
Oh, about making friends, one thing I've found that really helps with anxiety is to be less active and more reactive.
Sure, you have to go towards people at first... but if you feel left out of the conversations or if they never suggest any activities that you would enjoy strike them off as potential friends, remain friendly but less forthcoming unless things improve... and socialize with others.
With so many people available to be friends with, it's rather pointless to make an effort to become friends with someone unless it seems to click. Same thing with girls, really.
Sure, you have to go towards people at first... but if you feel left out of the conversations or if they never suggest any activities that you would enjoy strike them off as potential friends, remain friendly but less forthcoming unless things improve... and socialize with others.
With so many people available to be friends with, it's rather pointless to make an effort to become friends with someone unless it seems to click. Same thing with girls, really.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 206
I did a Masters at College of ST Mark and ST John in Plymouth which is associated with Exeter Uni. Sadly I did drink and was still lonely and did not fit in. Seems like you are making excuses. The gym is busy, all the time? At 7am. I have no right to give advice but do something, voluntary work . You are in a beautiful part of the country.
Jake, 19
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Devon, England
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by Kza
I did a Masters at College of ST Mark and ST John in Plymouth which is associated with Exeter Uni. Sadly I did drink and was still lonely and did not fit in. Seems like you are making excuses. The gym is busy, all the time? At 7am. I have no right to give advice but do something, voluntary work . You are in a beautiful part of the country.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 557
MightyMung - You seem to have all the answers, except one.
A person matures by dealing with life issues. During my early years, every time I had an issue I hid from it until it went away, or if it didn't I just hid from it some more.
I drank away the pain of losing someone. I drank away the pain of losing my job. I drank away the good emotions of celebrating life. I drank away all the joys and sorrows of my first marriage, and my first daughter. Whenever I sobered up, I felt bad about what I did and it caused me to be depressed and angry, so I drank again.
For me, I started to drink and drug at 10. I started to mature again, when I turned 25. Which kind of meant that while I had the physical age of 25, I was the emotional age of 10. Took me a while to get to a point where I could make mature decisions.
A person matures by dealing with life issues. During my early years, every time I had an issue I hid from it until it went away, or if it didn't I just hid from it some more.
I drank away the pain of losing someone. I drank away the pain of losing my job. I drank away the good emotions of celebrating life. I drank away all the joys and sorrows of my first marriage, and my first daughter. Whenever I sobered up, I felt bad about what I did and it caused me to be depressed and angry, so I drank again.
For me, I started to drink and drug at 10. I started to mature again, when I turned 25. Which kind of meant that while I had the physical age of 25, I was the emotional age of 10. Took me a while to get to a point where I could make mature decisions.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: England
Posts: 405
Hey Jake, I remembered this, you must have seen it? Plenty of opportunity to meet some sober folk? Like I said, I tried the film evening but didn't physically make it. Maybe you might have more luck. As I sit at my laptop searching for opportunity to meet some new people and learn to play sober I am filled with envy looking at this. Wotcha got to lose?
Events
Events
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 507
I'm jumping into this post rather late I know but wanted to share my observations...
You've gotten a ton of really great advice MightyMung. It does seem like you're making excuses for all the reasons none of it will work for you. Nothing? If you've already decided that solitude is the only thing that will work for you then no amount of advice will matter I suppose.
But I think something will! Something other than solitude because you deserve more than that. University is a time to grow and learn and experience life. You can't do that if you're hiding. I encourage you to go back and read the suggestions again and reconsider some of them. Try not to immediately find the reasons something won't work. Try to find at least one reason each could work.
Best of luck to you!
You've gotten a ton of really great advice MightyMung. It does seem like you're making excuses for all the reasons none of it will work for you. Nothing? If you've already decided that solitude is the only thing that will work for you then no amount of advice will matter I suppose.
But I think something will! Something other than solitude because you deserve more than that. University is a time to grow and learn and experience life. You can't do that if you're hiding. I encourage you to go back and read the suggestions again and reconsider some of them. Try not to immediately find the reasons something won't work. Try to find at least one reason each could work.
Best of luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 117
Here's 47 years of (rather shy) experience talking:
You will find in life, that you ultimately only really need a couple of true friends and you never know where you will find them-often when you least expect it! I would do whatever it is you love to do--whether that is fly-fishing, kite-making, marathon running--whatever it is, doesn't matter. Do what you love and keep your eyes, mind and your heart open. Be genuine. Be kind.
The right people will show up in your life just when you need them. Some will be your "teachers" and they will move on. Some will stick. If they stick, cherish them.
You will find in life, that you ultimately only really need a couple of true friends and you never know where you will find them-often when you least expect it! I would do whatever it is you love to do--whether that is fly-fishing, kite-making, marathon running--whatever it is, doesn't matter. Do what you love and keep your eyes, mind and your heart open. Be genuine. Be kind.
The right people will show up in your life just when you need them. Some will be your "teachers" and they will move on. Some will stick. If they stick, cherish them.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 23
Have you thought about clubs through campus? Here in the US, many of them are associated with service work and at the very least they are all based on a common interest. You may find people there that you share interests with and most are not related to drinking. Just a thought.
Jake, 19
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Devon, England
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by FredG
MightyMung - You seem to have all the answers, except one.
A person matures by dealing with life issues. During my early years, every time I had an issue I hid from it until it went away, or if it didn't I just hid from it some more.
I drank away the pain of losing someone. I drank away the pain of losing my job. I drank away the good emotions of celebrating life. I drank away all the joys and sorrows of my first marriage, and my first daughter. Whenever I sobered up, I felt bad about what I did and it caused me to be depressed and angry, so I drank again.
For me, I started to drink and drug at 10. I started to mature again, when I turned 25. Which kind of meant that while I had the physical age of 25, I was the emotional age of 10. Took me a while to get to a point where I could make mature decisions.
A person matures by dealing with life issues. During my early years, every time I had an issue I hid from it until it went away, or if it didn't I just hid from it some more.
I drank away the pain of losing someone. I drank away the pain of losing my job. I drank away the good emotions of celebrating life. I drank away all the joys and sorrows of my first marriage, and my first daughter. Whenever I sobered up, I felt bad about what I did and it caused me to be depressed and angry, so I drank again.
For me, I started to drink and drug at 10. I started to mature again, when I turned 25. Which kind of meant that while I had the physical age of 25, I was the emotional age of 10. Took me a while to get to a point where I could make mature decisions.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
