RobbyRobot

Yeah, that's how it works. And that solution always will lead back to drinking, no matter what else is on the menu for that day.. like being responsible, will be trashed to make drinking seem the reasonable thing to do because of the pains, guilt, regrets, and so on. We try to wash away what ails us by drinking it away. We fail, so we just keep trying anyways, because we hunger for the alcohol effects. I could never wash enough away to stay clean. I always ended up dirty with alcohol all over again. I needed something more than what I had going on.

Somethings gotta change to keep sober, and hating yourself for drinking is absolutely a something that really needs to be looked at. Changing how we are with ourselves is vitally important.

Plenty of ways to make those changes happen. It really is up to you what is what with you. For me, I couldn't do it. I eventually just had to hate being drunk more then I hated being sober. There was nothing about being sober that I really wanted, and if I could have kept drinking, I would have, but as it was, I was dying from the inside out, and the writing on the wall was obvious. After being in jail, hospitals, and mental intitutions, You'd think something would have changed, but know, i still had enough love with being drunk to keep going back.

Back in 1981, I was talking with an addiction specialist, and from our detailed, intimate, nothing held back three hour talk, I was advised i would most likely kill myself with a shotgun if I didn't quit drinking. He gave me 3 to 5 years. I didn't care. I had shown up to the meeting already with beer in my belly, just enough to feel good. When we broke for lunch, I had myself another one. What he did say that got my attention was that he didn't care either if I checked out by shotgun or alcohol since dead was dead. I agreed. He then asked, so what am I waiting for?

Yeah. Good question. What was I waiting for? He was right. I was wrong. I did care. I didn't want to die as a drunk drunk. Yeah, I could see myself eventually doing myself rather than just fading to black with alcoholism.

He offered a detox and a stay in a rehab. He offered AA. He offered therapy.

I accepted. I went to my first AA meeting on a Sunday. I entered the detox and rehab that following Wednesday. I graduated 3 months later as a recovered alcoholic drug addict. Been sober since 1981.

My alcoholism had me in a mental hospital, a few years before I quit, where they diagnosed me with having subtype undifferentiated schizophrenia. They didn't think my problem was alcoholism, they advised me I drank to medicate my mental illness. They decided my life as a disabled polio survivor simply drove me off the deep end. I didn't agree. I refused all their meds. Even refused their sleeping pill. Did not trust them. But, I was on a three day lock-up. And had to wait the three days to get discharged. My friends picked me up at the door, and before we got to where we were going, I was back to drinking and drugging.

Believe me, I know what anxiety is, you know? I used to be so afraid I couldn't leave my room, for days at a time. Seriously. And i wasn't in my room relaxing, you know? I don't have the words today to do justice to those experiences, I'm kinda busy with other things at the moment, lol, but, I've been to the dark side of the moon more than once or twice, you know?

I can tell you eventually panic attacks won't stop you from drinking and they wont stop you from getting sober either. Alcoholism, eventually, can progress enough to get you in a worse situation then anxiety panic attacks. I hope you can stop before that bottom is reached. Its not a fun trip down the rabbit hole.

And just to say, yeah, I'm from the street, grew up poor, unschooled, dysfucntional family, me disabled, drunk at 12 and loving it, mentally sick, and all the rest...

I ended up being a counselor/therapist myself, an excutive director of a rehab program, a foster parent for challenged children, and now I'm retired these past five years, and wealthy enough to be almost ashamed. I own two cars, three properties, all paid for, and a life of pure leisure... and I'm still after all is said and done, a recovered alcoholic drug addict.

Just sayin'

walkingwithgod

My fear of being honest with myself and others scares me. I feel like I am an outcast if I can't drink.

RobbyRobot

Yeah. You got that figured out right. Trouble with that thinking though, it only serves to keep you drinking, and since you want to drink, you think you have a solution to feeling like an outcast, Yeah. Been there.

The drinking solution has a big dead end, and sooner or later, you'll reach that turn in the road where there are no more turns left. Only an exit will work when you reach that sign post. I hope you can jump off the alcoholic train before the full stop wrecks your life.

benice

Robbie, that was an amazing post. You are very inspirational.

WWG, there is no way in h e double hockey sticks that alcoholism is limited to those in the streets. I grew up attending white glove affairs. As a small child, I learned how to use more eating utensils than Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.

Alcoholism does not care.

I can feel your anxiety in your posts. I hope you can find a way to step back and really listen to the replies you are getting. I wish you peace and success during your long weekend. I am glad that you keep posting. I look forward to seeing a post that shows you really accepting what you are reading. PEACE...

benice

SORRY Robby (not Robbie)!!!

RobbyRobot

No problemo, benice, forget about it. I'll answer to Robbie too, lol. Thanks for your sincere expression of warmth and understanding.

Awesomely said, benice. You got it going on.

Pondlady

RR and benice,
Really enjoyed reading your posts....thanks for sharing.

wwg, I hope you'll take advantage of this week end to speak with your bil.

walkingwithgod

How should I mention this to my BIL?

soberjim

WWG...you indicated that your BIL is a nice guy who gave up drinking back awhile because of 'issues'. Is he approcahable? Ask him if he can keep something in confidence, explain your situation and the if he is open to it, ask him about his experiences and how he has dealt with the issues.

He may be an excellent support.

Jim

copperfield

walkingwithgod - dude , I feel the exact same way - once it hits later afternoon I am ready to go again - no matter how hung I was earlier that day - ehhhh

walkingwithgod

I feel like drinking now as the end of work gets closer. This sucks

soberjim

Ofcourse your AV feels like drinking..Does mean that you have to today.

Jim

walkingwithgod

It is all I can think about even though it is wrong and destructive.

soberjim

One day at a time. Consider for a moment all of the things that are negatively affects by drinking. Relationships with you wife, your daughter. How you will feel about yourself. Think about how you will feel tomorrrow morning by not drinking.

You don't have to listen to the voice trying to get you to drink.

Use SR tonight and read through notes/comments by others who are struggling. Find strength and comfort in those who are dealing with the same issue as you. You are not alone.

YOU CAN DO THIS!


Jim

JohnnyOneDay

Walkingwithgod,

I truly know how you feel. I quit drinking just 2 weeks ago, and you can too. You just have to admit that you are powerless over alcohol and turn to your "higher power" for help. After just 15 days, I feel great! I will be praying that you can do this too, and do it NOW.

Not very long ago, alcohol controlled my life too. In spite of having a lovely wife and 3 beautiful teenage children, a great professional white-collar career, and a picture-perfect American-dream life, my #1 priority was alcohol. I was obsessed with drinking every day, up till the day I quit on AUG. 1. Now I am 15 days sober; I never thought I could do that. I used to sit at work with the jitters and shakes, unable to focus, and couldn't wait till I got off work, so I could go drink again. Then I would drink till I would pass out or force myself to go to bed around midnight. Repeating the cycle, I would wake up with a massive hangover, go to work, and once it wore off, I'd be back at it the next night.
Not the best way to live.

So I did something about it, something I'd been wanting to do for a very long time!! I set up an appointment with my doctor and then with a therapist for the following day (Aug 1) and for the first time in my life admitted to someone (other than myself) that I was an alcoholic and needed help.

I was instructed to do 90 AA meetings in 90 days, and I am now 15 days into that process. Walkingwithgod, I too am insecure, introverted, and shy. But I walked into that first AA meeting and said, "Hi, I'm John and I'm an alcoholic." I nearly cried, but it felt liberating. I have met so many wonderful, supportive people who will bend over backwards and every-which-way to help you. I go to a meeting every day, and it helps me immensely.....

Walkingwithgod, I know you are scared, and I was too. I had drank heavily, daily for nearly 30 years.... beer, wine, but mostly whiskey, up to a fifth each day. There was and is the presence of alcohol all around me in life, and I would have NEVER EVER thought I could live without it, but I have learned that I can.

I'm telling you this because I suspect your life is not much different than mine was, and that hopefully my story will give you strength to admit your powerlessness and to begin your recovery.

Every day in recovery is not a bed of roses, there are distractions, urges, mood swings, etc. But if you remain focused, you can make each and every day FAR BETTER sober than if you were drinking. I look around and see beautiful things that I overlooked when I was in my alcohol-fueled fog. I am more engaged with my family, and my marriage is stronger than ever.

So, don't feel bad, we've all been there. I am praying for you. You can do this. You just have to admit it, then commit to living an alcohol-free life.

Good luck, and may God bless you.




------------------------------------------------------
Once in a while you'll get shown the light
In the strangest of places if you look at it right.
- Robert Hunter

walkingwithgod

Thanks for your post, we have very similar lives. How did your wife react and help you get sober? Did your wife bring up that you drank too much?

soberjim

Johnny...Great post!

Thanks Jim

JohnnyOneDay

Walkingwithgod,
My wife has known for years that I have drank too much. She would often tell me to "slow down", "cut back", "you're drinking too much", give me the dirty look, etc.
So as much as possible, I'd go in the other room to mix my drink. Kept a bottle in the garage, one in the car and one in the basement. I would always try to mix my drink where nobody was around.
But thankfully she never left me. God knows I gave her plenty of opportunities, including the time 8 years ago when I got a DUI/pot possession and lost my job. So I went through counseling, gave the "head nod", and "yeah, yeah, I'll quit" to the counselors. Moved to a new town with a new big house in the suburbs and a new better-paying job. But within a year or two I was back at it drinking more than ever.

Until this summer. After seeing some close friends and family members experience marriage problems, it hit me hard, and I decided that I did not want my wife to leave me too. I was taking everyting for granted. My kids were growing up while I was wasted every night. I started to appreciate her and the kids more. I began realizing that many of the issues in our marriage (intimacy, communication, etc.) were not her fault, but rather MINE and MINE ONLY, due to my excessive drinking. I broke down to her several times, an emotional wreck, admitting I had a problem and that I needed help. She has been EXTREMELY SUPPORTIVE throughout this whole ordeal. She is my rock.

So the next day I went to the doctor and counselor for help, and today I feel SO SO much better. Beginning to lose weight, my blood pressure is down, and I have a much clearer mind. And a much stronger marriage!!


You can do this. Don't wait till it's too late.

Sapling

Good stuff Johhny.

SlimSlim

WWG:

I don't know, but reading your posts an various threads, a lot of times I feel like there is this big pity party going on with all of the negatives and what seems like whining to me.

If you really want to get sober, you are going to have to take ownership of the problem, accept it for what it is and then take action to solve the problem. People can support you along the way, but ultimately it is up to you.

My apologies if I am being rough here, but something in you has to change if you want to move forward.