RobbyRobot

Yeah, that's how it works. And that solution always will lead back to drinking, no matter what else is on the menu for that day.. like being responsible, will be trashed to make drinking seem the reasonable thing to do because of the pains, guilt, regrets, and so on. We try to wash away what ails us by drinking it away. We fail, so we just keep trying anyways, because we hunger for the alcohol effects. I could never wash enough away to stay clean. I always ended up dirty with alcohol all over again. I needed something more than what I had going on.

Somethings gotta change to keep sober, and hating yourself for drinking is absolutely a something that really needs to be looked at. Changing how we are with ourselves is vitally important.

Plenty of ways to make those changes happen. It really is up to you what is what with you. For me, I couldn't do it. I eventually just had to hate being drunk more then I hated being sober. There was nothing about being sober that I really wanted, and if I could have kept drinking, I would have, but as it was, I was dying from the inside out, and the writing on the wall was obvious. After being in jail, hospitals, and mental intitutions, You'd think something would have changed, but know, i still had enough love with being drunk to keep going back.

Back in 1981, I was talking with an addiction specialist, and from our detailed, intimate, nothing held back three hour talk, I was advised i would most likely kill myself with a shotgun if I didn't quit drinking. He gave me 3 to 5 years. I didn't care. I had shown up to the meeting already with beer in my belly, just enough to feel good. When we broke for lunch, I had myself another one. What he did say that got my attention was that he didn't care either if I checked out by shotgun or alcohol since dead was dead. I agreed. He then asked, so what am I waiting for?

Yeah. Good question. What was I waiting for? He was right. I was wrong. I did care. I didn't want to die as a drunk drunk. Yeah, I could see myself eventually doing myself rather than just fading to black with alcoholism.

He offered a detox and a stay in a rehab. He offered AA. He offered therapy.

I accepted. I went to my first AA meeting on a Sunday. I entered the detox and rehab that following Wednesday. I graduated 3 months later as a recovered alcoholic drug addict. Been sober since 1981.

My alcoholism had me in a mental hospital, a few years before I quit, where they diagnosed me with having subtype undifferentiated schizophrenia. They didn't think my problem was alcoholism, they advised me I drank to medicate my mental illness. They decided my life as a disabled polio survivor simply drove me off the deep end. I didn't agree. I refused all their meds. Even refused their sleeping pill. Did not trust them. But, I was on a three day lock-up. And had to wait the three days to get discharged. My friends picked me up at the door, and before we got to where we were going, I was back to drinking and drugging.

Believe me, I know what anxiety is, you know? I used to be so afraid I couldn't leave my room, for days at a time. Seriously. And i wasn't in my room relaxing, you know? I don't have the words today to do justice to those experiences, I'm kinda busy with other things at the moment, lol, but, I've been to the dark side of the moon more than once or twice, you know?

I can tell you eventually panic attacks won't stop you from drinking and they wont stop you from getting sober either. Alcoholism, eventually, can progress enough to get you in a worse situation then anxiety panic attacks. I hope you can stop before that bottom is reached. Its not a fun trip down the rabbit hole.

And just to say, yeah, I'm from the street, grew up poor, unschooled, dysfucntional family, me disabled, drunk at 12 and loving it, mentally sick, and all the rest...

I ended up being a counselor/therapist myself, an excutive director of a rehab program, a foster parent for challenged children, and now I'm retired these past five years, and wealthy enough to be almost ashamed. I own two cars, three properties, all paid for, and a life of pure leisure... and I'm still after all is said and done, a recovered alcoholic drug addict.

Just sayin'