The Updated Clean Plan for Stability
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 282
I think most clean woman would complain about clam juice on the floor! Lol 
And I can't say weather your girl is a trigger but to me when I started getting sober or even just cutting down like u are EVERYTHING made me irritable and want to drink! Only once your sober for a while and get through the initial withdrawls can u really distinguish what your triggers are, I rekon anyway
And I can't say weather your girl is a trigger but to me when I started getting sober or even just cutting down like u are EVERYTHING made me irritable and want to drink! Only once your sober for a while and get through the initial withdrawls can u really distinguish what your triggers are, I rekon anyway
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 391
Day 6 night
Tonight I lost the battle. I slipped up... can not believe how hard it is!! I drank my quota at about 7:00 and felt perfectly fine. Then around 9:00 I wanted to watch a movie and started getting cravings. I won't detail everything, but I caved and there was half a bottle of Chardonnay in my fridge. I drank the half bottle and it still wasn't enough. I never drink and drive so I walked to the store to pick up some groceries for tomorrow and of course went to the liquor store. I convinced myself to pick up another bottle of wine. I knew I was doing something horrible, I convinced myself that I would just lie to you guys and hide it... then I realized that would do absolutely nothing good for my life. I simply gotta be as truthful as I can.
I opened the bottle, had a glass, then watched more of the movie, then went for another glass. As I drank about half of it I started thinking about how bad I will feel tomorrow, I started thinking about how hard I worked this week. And although I slipped up, I got up dumped the glass in the sink, and grabbed the rest of the wine bottle and dumped it in the sink also. That's just not good. I don't understand it though. The hard alcohol I have upstairs left for the challenge, is still there. I didn't touch it, and had no craving to touch it. I don't know why that is.
I'm pretty defeated right now. I don't know what to say and this is quite embarrassing. I'm hoping to get right back on track tomorrow and hopefully dissect exactly what happened today and why. I do not want to give up, I do not want to change up the plan. I screwed up plain and simple. I do not feel wasted right now, I just feel incredibly disappointed.
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... I'm going to bed. I ate a lot of food to soak up the alcohol, took some vitamins, drank some water and gatorade, and trying as hard as I can to get this crap out of my system.
Such a bummer. Anyways, I'm going to bed. Good night!
Tonight I lost the battle. I slipped up... can not believe how hard it is!! I drank my quota at about 7:00 and felt perfectly fine. Then around 9:00 I wanted to watch a movie and started getting cravings. I won't detail everything, but I caved and there was half a bottle of Chardonnay in my fridge. I drank the half bottle and it still wasn't enough. I never drink and drive so I walked to the store to pick up some groceries for tomorrow and of course went to the liquor store. I convinced myself to pick up another bottle of wine. I knew I was doing something horrible, I convinced myself that I would just lie to you guys and hide it... then I realized that would do absolutely nothing good for my life. I simply gotta be as truthful as I can.
I opened the bottle, had a glass, then watched more of the movie, then went for another glass. As I drank about half of it I started thinking about how bad I will feel tomorrow, I started thinking about how hard I worked this week. And although I slipped up, I got up dumped the glass in the sink, and grabbed the rest of the wine bottle and dumped it in the sink also. That's just not good. I don't understand it though. The hard alcohol I have upstairs left for the challenge, is still there. I didn't touch it, and had no craving to touch it. I don't know why that is.
I'm pretty defeated right now. I don't know what to say and this is quite embarrassing. I'm hoping to get right back on track tomorrow and hopefully dissect exactly what happened today and why. I do not want to give up, I do not want to change up the plan. I screwed up plain and simple. I do not feel wasted right now, I just feel incredibly disappointed.
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... I'm going to bed. I ate a lot of food to soak up the alcohol, took some vitamins, drank some water and gatorade, and trying as hard as I can to get this crap out of my system.
Such a bummer. Anyways, I'm going to bed. Good night!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 282
Don't be embarrassed, we've all been there. And yeh what Dee said. I couldn't believe how hard it was (is at times) either. For me it is actually easier to abstain than moderate tho and as time goes by it gets a lot easier 
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Thanks for continuing to share your journey with us, Paul. I hope you will keep us up to date with your experience. There is a big number of folks reading this who are not yet members here, and who have registered but not made the step of making their first post, and this is gold. Thank you.
Grateful AA member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In the middle of the woods, NJ
Posts: 567
Dont be embarrased we have all been there. The only thing that worked for me is complete abstinance. I couldnt control my drinking had many slip ups. Dont beat yourself up ask yourself why you think you drank more and how to change it.
Recovering
Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,361
Hey Paul
I imagine we've all been there - perhaps many times. After spending a year without alcohol I thought I could opt for controlled drinking. That was three or four years ago, and I've spent that time constantly trying to control drinking and always ultimately failing. I really didn't want to say good-bye for alcohol for ever, and it was a really tough decision to face up to for me. But once I faced up to it the actual 'being sober' (total abstinence) has actually been easier than I expected (though my wife will remind me I spent the first 2-3 weeks going round like a bear with a sore head). This time I won't make the mistake of thinking I can go back to controlled drinking.
Don't be embarrassed. So many of us have been exactly where you are.
I would encourage you to consider going straight for total abstinence now, especially as generally you've already tapered down.
Well done for being so honest with us as well!
Stick around buddy.
I imagine we've all been there - perhaps many times. After spending a year without alcohol I thought I could opt for controlled drinking. That was three or four years ago, and I've spent that time constantly trying to control drinking and always ultimately failing. I really didn't want to say good-bye for alcohol for ever, and it was a really tough decision to face up to for me. But once I faced up to it the actual 'being sober' (total abstinence) has actually been easier than I expected (though my wife will remind me I spent the first 2-3 weeks going round like a bear with a sore head). This time I won't make the mistake of thinking I can go back to controlled drinking.
Don't be embarrassed. So many of us have been exactly where you are.
I would encourage you to consider going straight for total abstinence now, especially as generally you've already tapered down.
Well done for being so honest with us as well!
Stick around buddy.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
I'm sorry you got off-track, and good for you for coming here and being honest. That's a big step toward healing.
Truly, I have been exactly where you are now, even though I was determined to make it work. In the end, I was exhausted, and not drinking at all was an easy choice.
Truly, I have been exactly where you are now, even though I was determined to make it work. In the end, I was exhausted, and not drinking at all was an easy choice.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 478
Hi Paul! I have been reading your threads and I truly admire your determination and your honesty. I'm gonna twist this around--and I hope you don't perceive it as negative or bashing your attempt at moderation--it's not. Simply an analogy that MIGHT help--what if this were an abusive partner you were trying to control? Not one that physically harmed you, just someone you enjoyed being with at times, but for the most part, the relationship was toxic and she said cruel things to you, etc. In other words, limiting your time, trying not to see her, and then giving in, wondering why you did, and then feeling poorly about it--wondering why the relationship can't be like it is during the "honeymoon/make up days" all the time?
Would you continue to put all your precious energy and that incredible determination you have toward that relationship? Would you move on and find someone that lets you be who you are instead--bringing out the best in you?
You don't have to answer, of course. Just something to think about. I totally get why you are taking this approach--and I certainly hope it works out for you--just trying to help you see another angle and possible application.
Would you continue to put all your precious energy and that incredible determination you have toward that relationship? Would you move on and find someone that lets you be who you are instead--bringing out the best in you?
You don't have to answer, of course. Just something to think about. I totally get why you are taking this approach--and I certainly hope it works out for you--just trying to help you see another angle and possible application.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Paul,
My experiments with control never worked either. What I finally concluded was I needed to quit alcohol altogether. Over the years, I've learned so many alcoholics and addicts are smart people. If there was a way to successfully control drinking, one of us would have figured it by now.
AA has a good program. I learned a lot from it and it helped me a lot . rational Recovery worked best for me. What I learned was, we just want the deep pleasure we get from alcohol. That was the bottom line. I suppose we assign a lot of excuses to drink. Stress, anxiety, boredom, etc, but for me, in the final analysis I just wanted to drink.
When you're ready to quit, you might give AVRT a good read. see if it makes sense to you.
Love from Lenina
My experiments with control never worked either. What I finally concluded was I needed to quit alcohol altogether. Over the years, I've learned so many alcoholics and addicts are smart people. If there was a way to successfully control drinking, one of us would have figured it by now.
AA has a good program. I learned a lot from it and it helped me a lot . rational Recovery worked best for me. What I learned was, we just want the deep pleasure we get from alcohol. That was the bottom line. I suppose we assign a lot of excuses to drink. Stress, anxiety, boredom, etc, but for me, in the final analysis I just wanted to drink.
When you're ready to quit, you might give AVRT a good read. see if it makes sense to you.
Love from Lenina
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
The longer I'm sober, the longer I see the insanity of it all. I see things now, no one could have convinced me of while I was drinking. I guess I had to go through the experience myself. I relate my drinking to a toxic relationship. Until I was out of it I couldn't be convinced it was bad for me. Live and learn I guess. I can tell you, once I got that monkey off my back, I felt freedom!
I wish you success in whatever your choice is Pauladmits. All we can do is relay our experiences and the choices we made. Thank you for your honesty and I wish you the best.
I wish you success in whatever your choice is Pauladmits. All we can do is relay our experiences and the choices we made. Thank you for your honesty and I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,002
Paul,
My last day drinking I had every intention of drinking only one margarita before my partner got home from work. We had plans to take the dog down to the beach and go out for dinner after he got. I had the first drink, then figured I would have another. Well by the time he got home I was blacked out drunk. It was not good and I came very close to losing everything I hold dear. This is what alcohol does. It is sneaky and makes you feel good and gives you courage. Then, somewhere along the way it takes your willpower. Later down the line, it starts to take everything you hold dear. Thank goodness I kicked it out of my life before it took everything and everyone from me. I hope you do the same.
I had tried for a very long time to find reasons why I could moderate. I never drank every day, never had physical withdrawl symptoms, held down a good job. All this helped me blind myself to the problem. I think this week now shows you that maybe you are more like us than you thought. I really did not know whether you would succeeded or not. I was hoping you would. I really hate alcohol having power over one more person. It may be time to accept that you have a problem and quit cold turkey and never let it have power over you again. You are in the right place here at SR. We only want the best for you.
You have done a great job here. You have saved yourself years of lying to yourself like I had. If I would have done this and had a journal showing my feelings and what was happening, my last 2 years would have been much better.
Please stay with us. We all are human and there is no reason to be embarrassed.
The whole reason for this trial was to learn something right? You did. Use it and move forward with us.
Take care of yourself today
My last day drinking I had every intention of drinking only one margarita before my partner got home from work. We had plans to take the dog down to the beach and go out for dinner after he got. I had the first drink, then figured I would have another. Well by the time he got home I was blacked out drunk. It was not good and I came very close to losing everything I hold dear. This is what alcohol does. It is sneaky and makes you feel good and gives you courage. Then, somewhere along the way it takes your willpower. Later down the line, it starts to take everything you hold dear. Thank goodness I kicked it out of my life before it took everything and everyone from me. I hope you do the same.
I had tried for a very long time to find reasons why I could moderate. I never drank every day, never had physical withdrawl symptoms, held down a good job. All this helped me blind myself to the problem. I think this week now shows you that maybe you are more like us than you thought. I really did not know whether you would succeeded or not. I was hoping you would. I really hate alcohol having power over one more person. It may be time to accept that you have a problem and quit cold turkey and never let it have power over you again. You are in the right place here at SR. We only want the best for you.
You have done a great job here. You have saved yourself years of lying to yourself like I had. If I would have done this and had a journal showing my feelings and what was happening, my last 2 years would have been much better.
Please stay with us. We all are human and there is no reason to be embarrassed.
The whole reason for this trial was to learn something right? You did. Use it and move forward with us.
Take care of yourself today
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
Originally Posted by Dee74 
The reason these plans never worked for me Paul is that when I drink, I lose control.
The only way to regain control for me was to not drink at all.
D
The only way to regain control for me was to not drink at all.
D
Today's Muse
Join Date: May 2007
Location: West end
Posts: 1,081
Thanks for the honesty and sharing. Don't give up and keep trying. We all have to do what we've got to do to get to where we want to be. You kept speaking of your confidence and the challenge and how you were looking forward to it. I kept thinking uh, oh...but kept it to myself. I knew you would figure it out for yourself. It is hard to realize what we are up against. It is the real deal and much tougher than we are at times. I look at it as no sense tempting the devil, so I don't. I never keep booze in my house and I know I can't control my drinking. That is why we are all here. That is the reality of my life and many others like me. Now you know. I am confident you will pick up and move forward with a new plan.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 391
Thank you everyone for your replies and support. There's plenty I want to talk about, but I need to get rid of this headache first. Just wanted to say that I'm alive, not feeling the worst I've ever felt, just more dejected from losing the battle last night. Anyways, hopefully after this run it will clear my head a bit.
In no way am I quitting this journey, now that I got a taste of the good life for couple days, there is no way in heck I want to do this to myself again. I don't get why anyone in their right mind would want to feel like this. Now I know why the cycle continues, because the only thing I can think right now is to drink more to get rid of the hangover. I think I spent the last year completely sedated. Amazing the contrast between Saturday morning and Sunday morning. Saturday I felt like I could do anything in the world, this morning I felt like a degenerate druggie.
Oh well, can't do anything about it now but carry on.
I'll read and respond to some of the replies later when it doesn't hurt my head to look at the computer screen. I can write a novel over all the different aspects of what happened last night. It's absolutely crazy how our mind and body works. But no excuses, I made the decisions, there is no evil me that controls me, there is just me.
So I'm alive, I'm alright... looking forward to not drinking anything today and trying to get that Saturday feeling back again tomorrow. Thanks for the support!! There were so many thoughts going through my head last night to lie to you guys and cover it up as if nothing happened. Then I realized that would be completely useless and the truth will set me free. It is hard to admit failure, but if I lie to you guys I'm just lying to myself.
I'll be back later!
In no way am I quitting this journey, now that I got a taste of the good life for couple days, there is no way in heck I want to do this to myself again. I don't get why anyone in their right mind would want to feel like this. Now I know why the cycle continues, because the only thing I can think right now is to drink more to get rid of the hangover. I think I spent the last year completely sedated. Amazing the contrast between Saturday morning and Sunday morning. Saturday I felt like I could do anything in the world, this morning I felt like a degenerate druggie.
Oh well, can't do anything about it now but carry on.
I'll read and respond to some of the replies later when it doesn't hurt my head to look at the computer screen. I can write a novel over all the different aspects of what happened last night. It's absolutely crazy how our mind and body works. But no excuses, I made the decisions, there is no evil me that controls me, there is just me.
So I'm alive, I'm alright... looking forward to not drinking anything today and trying to get that Saturday feeling back again tomorrow. Thanks for the support!! There were so many thoughts going through my head last night to lie to you guys and cover it up as if nothing happened. Then I realized that would be completely useless and the truth will set me free. It is hard to admit failure, but if I lie to you guys I'm just lying to myself.
I'll be back later!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 478
And if you buy into the fact that this stuff is progressive (I do), the drinking to feel better only gets worse--not just taking a drink to get over the hangover, but to maintain any sense of being at all--drinking non-stop! I never made it to "maintenence" drinking but the thought of it is freakin scary.
Hope you feel better soon and find more clarity!
Hope you feel better soon and find more clarity!
Today's Muse
Join Date: May 2007
Location: West end
Posts: 1,081
You did not fail. Hopefully, you substantiated your belief system. I relapsed publicly on this forum many years ago. I know how you feel. It was devastating, but I was grateful I had a place to come to and had others who could relate and understand. I had to do what I had to do. Living through the experience is what lead me to my willingness to succeed. The veil of delusion was ripped away and I could see reality for what it will be. Some of us get there sooner than others. Some never do. I believe you just came one step closer to seeing the truth of the matter. Take care...
stepping on my way...
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,079
Originally Posted by Anna
I'm sorry you got off-track, and good for you for coming here and being honest. That's a big step toward healing.
Truly, I have been exactly where you are now, even though I was determined to make it work. In the end, I was exhausted, and not drinking at all was an easy choice.
Truly, I have been exactly where you are now, even though I was determined to make it work. In the end, I was exhausted, and not drinking at all was an easy choice.
....and maybe in the process you will gain control of your life back! And thanks for the honesty.....I put my tail between my legs and was honest on SR many times about relapsing. BUT I was like you and knew I had to be honest to get sober. YOU CAN DO THIS BUT IN MY OPINION I THINK YA GOTTA QUIT DRINKING.....:ghug3
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