FreddyBear

Hi everyone,

I'm totally devastated because of the fact I drank the Saturday night after over a month of being sober. A month ago I posted my thread here in newcomers section and got a tremendous amount of support. *Everything* was getting better and better, depression and anxiety reduced significantly, I was even looking better because of going to gym and not putting beer into my gut.

This Saturday was a wonderful sunny morning, I was in upbeat mood and full of energy. Got to walk, had a nice meal and intended to go shopping. Then my friend called me and we actually went for shopping, and then to billiards. It was only 2 pm but there were already a lot of folks with plenty of beer and nice looking snacks on their tables. I was already hungry and "decided" to order a glass of beer with fried potatoes. Drank it in one swallow and felt no buzz, and just got another, another and another...

Then my friend left for another party he was invited to, and I was left all alone and pretty much buzz. I went to a grocery, took a 6 pack and decided to finish my day in front of TV. Not the worst case scenario, I think now. After I knocked a 6 pack, I was wasted enough to remember I haven't talked to a girl for ages, and to "cure" this I went by the familiar idiotic road - took my debit card, went to ATM and took out $700 (already a lot for me, but thanks to the bank it has low daily cash limits), took a 24 (!!!) pack and called escort. Needless to say, I blew off the cash to the "service" which I haven't even "used", and passed out completely wasted.

Woke up on Sunday morning feeling I'm a most worthless piece of sh*t on the planet, my anxiety and depression were all back with its full strength. I went to parents' house just to speak to someone, they don't even suspect I'm a full blown alcoholic... Now I'm back home, still very sick because my hangovers last 2-3 days and are mostly emotional. Now I feel I have wasted these 30 sober days, but why not continue drinking? My mind says sobriety didn't fix any of the life problems, just decreased panic levels and that's it. I hate myself so much, and just can't decide whether to give up on all hopes completely and drink myself to death, or there is a light I can't see. Please help me by telling how (if) you managed your relapses... I'm lost.

Dee74

Hi Freddy

I think it's very important you look at this in perspective. Maybe it's not the best idea to look at this as a failure, cos that makes it easier to justify drinking more - maybe you can look at this as simply a remind of how relentless and insidious our addiction can be?

Perhaps its best to put that energy into trying to add things to your recovery to ensure this kind of thing doesn't happen again?

whats your recovery support like? You don't talk much about that.

Maybe you need to think more about making some changes too, at least for a while - there are better places to be than a pool hall in early recovery. I made that mistake too - more than once.

I used to think being sober would fix all my problems too Freddy- it didn't - there was no magic wand...but by the time I got to about 90 days I found out it provided a pretty good platform for me to start working out my problems

I hope you'll give staying sober another chance Freddy - I don't regret it

D

Dazee

Hi Freddy,
Glad you came right back to SR. I've often heard it said that relapse is part of recovery. So if you learn from this experience then it can be part of your recovery. I've slipped too and came back with my tail between my legs. The best advice I got was to dust myself off, stop beating up on myself, and get back to sober life. If you stay sober in a few days when the hangover wears off you will be able to see everything clearer which will help you the next time. Hang in there!!

DayTrader

FB.....
Stopping is great.......getting 30 days is great......but that, as you've experienced, is just part of the equation. STAYING stopped is the next big part. Most of us have found that staying stopped requires some action because....."just not drinking" isn't the cure for alcoholISM, it's just the cure for a drinking problem.

I never made it to 30 days on my own. Best I could muster was maybe a couple weeks and that was rare. Over time during those days spent dry, I'd either fill with confidence that I'd beaten alcoholism and start again, I'd feel progressively more "pressure" and eventually seek release from that next first drink, or sometimes I'd feel nothing at all and just seem to start up again for no good reason. There wasn't really any rhyme or reason to it and nothing I could put my finger onto to look out for the next time.

Getting involved with AA and recovery from alcoholISM solved my drinking problem (and a couple dozen others that I didn't know I had). It has changed me.....I'm different.....drinking just doesn't enter my mind anymore as a result of working the program they designed. Over and above that, the coolest part is I've gained some much-needed clarity in a bunch of other areas of my life and, as a whole, I'm learning to become a better person........not just a guy who doesn't drink anymore.

There are millions of us who'd love to help show you what we did and walk you through the process......if you're interested.

FreddyBear

I made it 30 days without support in real life, just SR community which is great. AA is not an option for me as I'm a highly introverted person, and don't have any close friends by the way.

DayTrader

How'd that work out?

....I'm not knocking you, of course, but just pointing out that sometimes, just doing what we WANT to do isn't enough. Heck, I wanted to continue drinking with no ill side effects.....that didn't work either.

I'm not saying you have to join AA. Know this though, I don't know one person who's in AA who "wanted" to be part of it when they started. We went, however, because we needed a solution to our alcoholism, knew from others that it works, and were willing to set aside some fears and prejudices because we couldn't take life the way we'd been living it. If you can fix things on your own, and get a happy contented life that you enjoy......great. That's really the goal here. If you can't, just know that there are a lot of us who were right where you are now and we've recovered from our drinking problem, have gotten over our fears, and are leading lives that resemble our old lives very little (and I'm talking about a whole lot more here than "just not drinking").

.......and for what it's worth, you don't have to be a social butterfly to go to / be in AA. I know maaaany shy/introverted ppl who work the program successfully.

2granddaughters

When you go to your first meeting you will find that everyone felt the way you do... but you will have to go to the meeting to discover this fact.

John BarleyCorn kicked the crap out of me until I had to decide whether to surrender to AA or kill myself (a very hard decision to make at the time). I'm glad I put the gun down.

Wishing you the best FB

Bob R

jocata

I have found thru bitter experience that it's the days where everything is going great that I have to watch for. Doesn't mean not to enjoy them and live in the moment. I just have to always be vigilant.

I suggest finding some sort of program of sobriety or a plan of action when these scenarios come up. I could never do it on my own for very long.

God bless.

Saliena

FB:
My mind says sobriety didn't fix any of the life problems, just decreased panic levels and that's it. I hate myself so much, and just can't decide whether to give up on all hopes completely and drink myself to death, or there is a light I can't see. Please help me by telling how (if) you managed your relapses... I'm lost.

In truth you didn't give sobriety a chance.. you gave not drinking a chance. But, honestly if you want to stop drinking then you have to have to find another way. Just not drinking will always lead to drinking... as far as I know.

I relasped atleast 30 times in 2 years... but, you know finally it stuck. I finally learned the difference between giving up the bottle and surrendering to the fact that I can never drink again. EVER...

Good luck!!

Anna

You got lots of support here and you will continue to get support here.

I know that my hangovers left me a physical, emotional and spiritual mess. I am grateful every day I don't have to do that anymore, and neither do you.

In my opinion, early recovery takes change. It could be that you shouldn't be hanging out in pool hall, and maybe you shouldn't be hanging out with that particular friend for awhile. I know it's hard, but you can do it.

bryangt

The beauty of AA is that you won't be forced into anything...you can go, sit in the back & be a sponge. If you go enough, something will hit you sooner or later. You will find that many share the way you fee and the way you are. You really have nothing to lose and everything to gain. You won't be forced to 'share' until YOU feel ready & willing to. All you have to have is an open mind. I wish you well.

sober4metoday

Woke up on Sunday morning feeling I'm a most worthless piece of sh*t on the planet, my anxiety and depression were all back with its full strength.

I know I don't miss that feeling anymore! I'm sorry you feel so bad. But, today is new day. Live and learn as they say. Now let's get serious.

sugarbear1

Not drinking is good, you did it for 30 days, but if that is the only thing that changed, then maybe it's time to actually do something different? Sobriety is an action in all that I do, not picking up is my beginning.....

You stayed stopped for 30 days, try again, this time increase your actions, maybe find something to focus on like AVRT, SMART, SOS, AA, or some other program of action.

You can do this!!!!

Alright

You're very lucky Freddy because right within that quote is your "drive". The prospect of a healthier lifestyle with a happier attitude, reduced anxiety and depression is what I would focus on. I try my hardest to do this but it's damn hard, however it's the winner as motivation and without doubt I believe if you focus on reminding yourself of the positives as described in your post you'll stay sober.

Knock off the jaw of anyone who tries pressuring you mate.

instant

I have been there. The next step is understanding that process. It starts from feeling good, and either planning to drink, or as in this case not planning for a high risk situation.

Coming to SR every day has helped me reaffirm my daily commitment to sobriety. I also found a daily support thread really useful.

There seems to be something about that first three months (90 days).

FreddyBear

So I think the main problem begins after we gave up the bottle. My question is:

I gave up on booze, now what?

As said here, not having alcohol in the system doesn't solve any of my problems. I'm still 30, fat, single, no friends except a couple of drinking buddies. Facing this stuff is very depressing and can really take me into the beer bath. In fact it's not that hard to give up drinking, but what do you do next?

sugarbear1

You went shopping and to billiards, I was more introverted in that I couldn't go to those places. AA is full of introverts. You'd be surprised at the similarities people in the meeting have with ya. I am learning how to be a friend today, it's a wild ride. Not trying to push it on you, but if I can walk in there and not to a billiard place, wow, I know you'll be okay. And you'll have friends who will help you out with anything. Sober activities with a bunch of people who don't drink, priceless.

Sorry if I'm pushing it on ya, it's just a new chapter in my life, and I'm 50. If everything stays the same, well, I can't go back to sitting in my apartment alone, talking to myself or to a can of alcohol. Alcoholics often think they can solve loneliness with isolation. I did. Today, my phone rings and I can go out with other people. I am not alone today.

Hugs, love, and peace,

newleaves2012

you are listing the realities that flow from your drinking. they don't go away when the alcohol goes away. these things are what you've created. if you wanna stop then stop. and I mean stop everything that could lead you down that block, like going places that serve alcohol. maybe one day you can go to those places but this isn't the time. staying stopped, that's gonna require support in some form that works for you. if you can stop for thirty days that's enough time to begin replacing alcohol with other things. other activities.

Firehazard

Hi freddy , I am so glad that you posted as I am not only a introvert but also a alcoholic. Like you once I start I cannot stop so if I can quit starting and I have I am golden. I am glad AA is a part of my life now as those two in 1939 really got alcoholism under the microscope and found a solution.

One of my favorite quotes involving the first step of which it sounds like you are on wheter you know it or not.

"The Idea, that somehow somday he will again be able to control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker"

I have tried in the past like alot of us to stop, quit, control my drinking and it has failed. I am glad AA is another option for us because it has been the only thing that works for me.

I have since also learned that being a introvert is not a problem but extreme introvertion is and usually has painted me into a corner where I can not see a way out by myself. SR is a great place to to get the feedback and contact we loners need to thrive.

Meetings also help as "It is hard to see the picture when you are in the frame"

dont give up

DayTrader

DING DING DING DING!! You've got it man!

In AA, we call that period after you;ve quit but before you've really embarked upon recovery....."untreated alcoholism." You're finding out that alcoholism isn't (just) a disease of drinking too much.......it kicks your behind when you're not drinking - until - yep, you drink again. And once you start, there's no stopping till the booze is done with you. (for some alkies, that isn't true.... they quit drinking and are able to go back to enjoying life - 'not drinking' never was all that attractive to me......so I'd always go back to my next drink hoping it would be different this time). It's a helluva predicament - drinking sucks and not drinking sucks. Where to turn?

That's where AA steps in. You've heard it before 'round here I bet - "a design for living." The 12 steps aren't there just to help you stop but to retool your mind so that not drinking is enjoyable.

In AA, I've rediscovered parts of myself that were buried for maaaany years. I'm becoming comfortable with myself again. While I'm not perfect, I'm learning to accept myself and even......gasp......like myself. <-- I had not been able to say that for many many years - drinking or not.

I know.....the steps don't look like they'll do all that much for you. The don't look like they'll product much of a change. Take it from me and from everyone who's worked the whole program and recovered from alcoholism (in internal condition that manifests, in one way, in drinking) - they work. This is why most AA'rs are sooooo excited about the program. It fixed the drinking problem but, as if not more importantly, it works on the "thinking" problem and turns "dry times" into enjoyable times.