enlightment

I am a 45 yr old woman who could proudly state to people that I didnt drink..that I had 19 yrs of sobriety...that I could do without..Well that has all changed..I dont know why I picked up again, I didnt have a reason, or an excuse..Nothing horrible happened..it just happened..Maybe I thought comfortable in my life, in my own skin, in the way things were going..Whatever the reason, I picked up..Within a VERY short amount of time, I was drinking between 6-10 shots of straight whiskey..everyday. And now Im remorseful, shamed, and determined to stop this maddness!!!! It took so much hard work to get that sobriety behind me, and now in a blink of an eye, its gone..I actually got down on my knees tonight, with tears in my eyes asking...no beggin..my higher power to grant me the strength not to drink anymore...I didnt hit a low this time, but I did years ago..and I am afraid of going back to that place..Im afraid of the distruction, hell and horror that I know my so-called friend booze can cause..the dispair, pain, loneliness, and heartache..Im here now because I want to beat this ... I am now less than one day sober...

Dee74

Hi enlightenment

Welcome - you're among friends who understand here.

I find addiction is so insidious tho and very patient...a little complacency and we can find easily ourselves back in that darkness.

I don't know that we ever lose sober time - especially not 19 years worth - I'm sure you learned a lot in that time, and it's all still there

You just have to reach out and come back out into the light. Stopping the drinking is the first and most important step I think, so well done

You'll find a lot of support, advice, encouragement and ideas here - it's good to have you join us

D

Revielle1980

Addiction is relentless thats for sure.
Get back to basics, one day at a time.

Terminally Unique

Somehow I doubt you just forget everything you learn during 19 years because of this. That knowledge is still there. You just need to dig deep, find it, pull it back out, and put it to good use.

enlightment

Thank you..and yes it is one day at a time..when I first got sober, it was literally hour by hour...and that was scary..This time, I learned how dangerous the drink really is. How it plays with your mind..Id be driving home from work, and wonder..when can I drink? if i dont go anywhere, I can be enjoying a drink sooner...then, Id plan activities around my drinking..Some days Id get drunk in the late morning, only to take a nap, and drink again that night..So I definately knew I needed to straighten myself out, before It got me into trouble...

sugarbear1

Welcome home

wpainterw

You say you're less than one day sober. But you've got 19 years of sobriety to build on. You're in trouble again but you know better what to do than in the old days. For one thing you logged on to this website. So latch on to a sponsor, or at least a friend, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get the show on the road again. Get counseling if you need it. Try to figure out what happened to get you to pick up. It happens. And folks fight their way back. Good luck.

W.

Zebra1275

Welcome, you are not alone.

I relapsed after several years of sobriety, although no where close to 19 years. You mentioned your higher power, that suggests to me you have been in AA. Go back to a meeting if you haven't been in awhile, you know they will welcome you back.

You had 19 years, that's wonderful. Have a sober day today, and when you get up tomorrow have a new sober day on that day. Don't worry about counting day's, just take it a day at a time.

oakwood

BBM (Bolded by me)

I could have easily written this myself. I don't have any advice for you as I'm still struggling. I wish you the best.

least

Welcome to the family. Your story sounds similar to mine. I had 20 yrs sober when I made the dumb decision to have a glass of wine in the afternoon to 'calm down' before the kids got home from high school. Within six months was drinking all day, every day.

But I came back to sobriety and am closing in on two years now. You can do this! You've done it before, you can do it again.

enlightment

@ Oakwood....I was in and out of AA for ten years, struggleing to get sober...I never wanted to quit drinking all those years ago..The Dr's told me horror stories about my liver, and the leasions..but it was by the grace of a higher power..a force other than myself that interceeded...along with meditation, and daily prayer is how I managed to stay away from a drink for all those years...I have since stopped those daily practices, and I believe, as a result, picked up again.. we all battle our deamons differently..I thought mine were conqured...LOL...guess they werent..they were just lurking in the shadows..as they always will until the day I die...But for now, today, this moment...I am in control....I never did believe in a sobriety date, for EVERY DAY was a conquest, a celebration unto itself...

enlightment

@ least....It is reassuring to know someone with considerable time behind fell off the wagon...I was starting to think that I was the only one...Its so scary to me to think of how easy it was to start to drink again..the tricks my own mind played on me...A simple drink, to calm down, and BAM....my life is not my own anymore..I was controlled but a liquid substance...I was a puppet on strings....I am grateful that I am here, on this site..I am grateful that there are people like all of you to help pick me up and guide me..thank you

enlightment

Least.....was it easier to get sober this time around?

Surlyredhead

(((hug))) You are not alone, I thank you for sharing, I think relapsing is one of my greatest fears...Lord know I have had plenty of experience with it.

Cathy

Anna

I'm sorry that you're struggling again, but good for you for knowing what you need to do.

Your long period of sobriety will be useful to you as the days go by.

Zebra1275

I had 5 1/2 years sober before I relapsed. I can tell you from my experience that it was much more difficult getting sober and staying sober after that.

Boleo

I relapsed dozens of times before I learned it had nothing to do with me drinkin or not-drinkin.

I now stay spiritually fit ODAAT and sobriety is just one of the many by-products of it.

"I am no longer captain of my own ship. I am just it's noisiest passenger."
- Aldous Huxley

least

No, I must admit it was harder this time around to get and stay sober. I'd get a few days/weeks/months sober and then relapse and hate myself again. I don't know what made the difference on my last relapse... I just was sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. I was sick and tired of waking up feeling like hell and hating myself. After my last relapse I was determined to make it. It was rough going at first and I was only staying sober out of stubbornness. Then I started practicing gratitude and my sobriety had meaning and was easier to maintain.

Once I started counting my blessings every day I realized how much I had to lose if I drank again. And I lost my desire to drink. I now wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink! And that made all the difference!

enlightment

ZEBRA...when I got sober all those years ago, I was under a doctors care..I was put on lithium, in a rehab..I had the DT's..it was hell on earth!!!! Im only into this less than 48 hrs..and Im nervous about what may lie ahead...Im praying that it wont be so bad...Ive got some shakes, and cloudiness, but Im hopeful that It will go okay...Im going to take it easy today, and be good to myself...Im going to go back to my old saying " sorry, Im alergic to alcohol"....people seem to accept that without me having to do a long song and dance .....Im excited about being the way I should be..CLEAN....yet Im nervous...

Terminally Unique

If you've had DT's before, do seriously consider a controlled taper script from a doctor, especially at 45 years old. It doesn't have to be rehab or the ER, it can be your normal physician giving you an outpatient script. I don't know how long you've been at this, but the withdrawals do tend to get worse over time.

See Kindling in Alcohol Withdrawal