I blew 19 yrs. of sobriety....
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: new york
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yes, I remember the no desire to drink...maybe I NEEDED to fall off the wagon, to refresh my reality..So I could once again experience the drunk ..the loss of control, So I could again gain it back with MORE respect, and more zell for life
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: springfield, va
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Enlightment,
Unfortunately, your experience isn't all that uncommon. I attended a beginners AA meeting and gentlemen told of having 20 years of sobriety. I guess he thought "maybe, I'm not an alcoholic". He spoke of a 10 day bender and almost dying. Another gentlemen in another AA meeting spoke of 20 years of sobriety, falling off the wagon and being depressed. He said his sponsor told him not to look at the reasons why right now. You are showing tremendous courage by reaching out. The support on this website is a great tool for sobriety.
Unfortunately, your experience isn't all that uncommon. I attended a beginners AA meeting and gentlemen told of having 20 years of sobriety. I guess he thought "maybe, I'm not an alcoholic". He spoke of a 10 day bender and almost dying. Another gentlemen in another AA meeting spoke of 20 years of sobriety, falling off the wagon and being depressed. He said his sponsor told him not to look at the reasons why right now. You are showing tremendous courage by reaching out. The support on this website is a great tool for sobriety.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: new york
Posts: 34
Tanja...It amazes me at how stupid I feel knowing what I know about being an alcoholic, and falling off the wagon...Like I thought I could contol this? I knew better..Like I thought it might end differently?...I knew it wouldnt...So what the hell was I thinking? I suppose in hindsight...I wasnt thinking at all!! Im pissed off at myself...Im angry...Im disappointed that I could be so stupid...and now Im laying here, with the shakes, the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach...beating myself up mentally...I KNEW BETTER...yet it didnt sway me from that drink........
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
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enlightenment, I quit for 10 years (early 20's to early 30's) and decided to drink again...a little bit, of course. Just a glass of wine in the evening. That did not last long. Within 2 weeks I was drinking heavily and daily, and as a SAHM started drinking fairly early each day. I had young children and was often too drunk by evening to safely or lovingly bathe them and put them to bed. I cannot describe the deep regret over this. That bender lasted 7 years before almost dying by my own hand. For me, this last time was not harder to quit. I cannot say why, just that I was truly truly done. That was almost 5 years ago. I will never drink again. ever.
Your 19 years are not lost. I am so glad you are stopping now. As quickly as we can fall back into the darkness, so can we come back into the light. You are in my thoughts.
Your 19 years are not lost. I am so glad you are stopping now. As quickly as we can fall back into the darkness, so can we come back into the light. You are in my thoughts.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: US
Posts: 51
Don't allow your thoughts about how things "should" be cause you to feel down on yourself. You have not thrown away 19 years of sobriety. Be gentle with yourself and return to the truth about who you are. It is when we fall short of perfection and make "mistakes" that we need to be most understanding and loving toward ourselves. Try not to judge yourself. Move foroward, joyfully.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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WOW...you guys are GREAT!! Before I was sitting here all pissy at myself and feeling stupid that I should have known better...But now after reading your threads, I have come to realize, that there is a purpose to all this...I believe we all have choices, and It was my choice to look through my booze goggles again...I feel very good right now..and know that being my own worst enemy is useless...Instead I was given 19 wonderful sober years...and this time out, I didnt have to hit bottom, or come close to death to make the decision to stop...I can now say with every cell of my being that there was NO CHANGE at all to my drinking...Its all a mind f*k...a sick game that I dont want to play...EVER...my children, my job, my life, my man, my world deserve the woman, lover, mother, friend, sister, daughter that I AM without the drink!!! Heck...I deserve me!!! I use to tell myself that I am allergic to alcohol...which I am...like those with other allergies, My symptoms are real...they are beyond my control..and as soon as I ingest the booze, the symptoms occur.......this way of thinking worked for many years, as it will continue to...Plus people dont question you when you say, I cant drink, Im allergic to alcohol......LOL
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Enlightenment:
Right now you've got a lot of stuff buzzing around in your head. You've got the shakes and you're scared that it could get worse. Two things are important. The first is not drinking alcohol. Focus on that. And try to divert your brain to non alcohol stuff- watch TV, take some exercise, try to eat something. My doctor got me to drink lots of orange juice. The second thing is to try to get medical help, especially if it looks like it's getting worse. Do you have a doctor who can help you? Overall the primary objective is to get the train back on the track as soon as possible. Remember, if you drink that will make things much worse. You can do this. One day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time. Fight your way back. You can do it. If you stick with it, you should be feeling better in a few days. But remember, that's the most dangerous time- when you start feeling better. Then the addiction will be waiting there to blindside you.
W.
Right now you've got a lot of stuff buzzing around in your head. You've got the shakes and you're scared that it could get worse. Two things are important. The first is not drinking alcohol. Focus on that. And try to divert your brain to non alcohol stuff- watch TV, take some exercise, try to eat something. My doctor got me to drink lots of orange juice. The second thing is to try to get medical help, especially if it looks like it's getting worse. Do you have a doctor who can help you? Overall the primary objective is to get the train back on the track as soon as possible. Remember, if you drink that will make things much worse. You can do this. One day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time. Fight your way back. You can do it. If you stick with it, you should be feeling better in a few days. But remember, that's the most dangerous time- when you start feeling better. Then the addiction will be waiting there to blindside you.
W.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
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Originally Posted by enlightment 
WOW...you guys are GREAT!! Before I was sitting here all pissy at myself and feeling stupid that I should have known better...But now after reading your threads, I have come to realize, that there is a purpose to all this...I believe we all have choices, and It was my choice to look through my booze goggles again...I feel very good right now..and know that being my own worst enemy is useless...Instead I was given 19 wonderful sober years...and this time out, I didnt have to hit bottom, or come close to death to make the decision to stop...LOL
I sense in this response some growing strength. Keep it up! You seem to be on the path back. When the dust settles, try to learn more about relapses, what brings them on, what brought this one on. The more you know about relapses, about yourself, the more you take out insurance against this thing happening again. If you ever feel like picking up again, ask, "Where is this voice coming from, this voice telling me I can do this? Is it I or is it the addiction talking?" Deep inside your brain is where the addiction lives and it's your worst enemy.
W.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Central Massachusetts
Posts: 2,051
Originally Posted by least
Welcome to the family.
Your story sounds similar to mine. I had 20 yrs sober when I made the dumb decision to have a glass of wine in the afternoon to 'calm down' before the kids got home from high school. Within six months was drinking all day, every day.
But I came back to sobriety and am closing in on two years now.
You can do this! You've done it before, you can do it again.
Your story sounds similar to mine. I had 20 yrs sober when I made the dumb decision to have a glass of wine in the afternoon to 'calm down' before the kids got home from high school. Within six months was drinking all day, every day.
But I came back to sobriety and am closing in on two years now.
You can do this! You've done it before, you can do it again.Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: san fernando valley, CA
Posts: 183
Thank you for reminding me or proving to me that my alcoholism is in fact a sickness that I will never be immuned to.
I thought I was just being weak and hadn't hit rock bottom yet. I stop drinking for a few days then pick up again.
If you could pick up after so many years sober and end up drinking like I do on a daily basis, then It makes me realize I can never be a "normal" drinker. I heard it many times but I just didn't believe it. I know my "sickness" is trying to control me.
Today is day 1 for me again and I know the only thing I can control about my alcoholism is I can control NOT to pick up that first drink.
I wish you and all of us luck in this fight.
I thought I was just being weak and hadn't hit rock bottom yet. I stop drinking for a few days then pick up again.
If you could pick up after so many years sober and end up drinking like I do on a daily basis, then It makes me realize I can never be a "normal" drinker. I heard it many times but I just didn't believe it. I know my "sickness" is trying to control me.
Today is day 1 for me again and I know the only thing I can control about my alcoholism is I can control NOT to pick up that first drink.
I wish you and all of us luck in this fight.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: new york
Posts: 34
Scared1....congrats on your victory over day one!!! Its a tough decision to make once you fall off the horse, whether or not to get back on....and its scary as well....Thank goodness, the first 48 hrs. are over with..the shakes, sweats, anxiety...its gone..and my body doesnt feel like I was hit by a mac truck anymore...It definately could have been worse, like the first time around getting sober all those years ago...Im grateful that I didnt have to suffer so this time...Im grateful for having the sense of knowing I needed to stop...and Im eternally grateful for the strength to do so...and for this site...I did it alone, no one around..that in itself was scary...I pray that you are well and dont have a hard time ...I pray that you have the strength needed and peace of mind..I wish you warm fuzzies, a big hug and lots of good times ahead....
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: cary, north carolina
Posts: 5
me too
well, i blew 8 years of sobriety, so i know sort of know how you are feeling. it was way harder to get sober this time and i had the full withdrawl experience this time. the posts on your thread have been so helpful to me this afternoon. just knowing ya'll are out there makes me change my thoughts from "i blew it" to: "i am a courageous woman to get sober again".
so let us be happy and proud of ourselves
so let us be happy and proud of ourselves
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: toronto canada
Posts: 181
some times a slip is good if we learn from it?
look at it this way??? you just had a refresher course.
you dont need go any further with it//you know its a dead end road..
so count your blessings and be gratfeful that it was a near miss but a miss is a miss no matter how close.
best of luck
look at it this way??? you just had a refresher course.
you dont need go any further with it//you know its a dead end road..
so count your blessings and be gratfeful that it was a near miss but a miss is a miss no matter how close.
best of luck
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Enlightenment:
So glad you're feeling better! Remember, though, that somewhere, deep down in your brain maybe, is the remains of your addiction, angry and violent at getting chained up in its cage again. For folks like us there's always something there that's very dangerous and the way it gets loose is just as "harmless" looking as an "innocent" glass of wine at some social gathering. ("Just one" "I deserve just one..."). Reminds me of the time I had some sherry at a colleague's house on a Friday afternoon twenty three years ago. Stopped off at the liquor store on the way home. It was the weekend. The rest is history...
W.
So glad you're feeling better! Remember, though, that somewhere, deep down in your brain maybe, is the remains of your addiction, angry and violent at getting chained up in its cage again. For folks like us there's always something there that's very dangerous and the way it gets loose is just as "harmless" looking as an "innocent" glass of wine at some social gathering. ("Just one" "I deserve just one..."). Reminds me of the time I had some sherry at a colleague's house on a Friday afternoon twenty three years ago. Stopped off at the liquor store on the way home. It was the weekend. The rest is history...
W.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Welcome enlightenment!
Thank you for your brave posts! I have 15 months sober and reading something like your post reminds me not to get too complacent.
So I am deeply grateful and send you love and prayers for your health and sobriety
Tina
Thank you for your brave posts! I have 15 months sober and reading something like your post reminds me not to get too complacent.
So I am deeply grateful and send you love and prayers for your health and sobriety
Tina
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Originally Posted by enlightment
@ least....It is reassuring to know someone with considerable time behind fell off the wagon...I was starting to think that I was the only one...Its so scary to me to think of how easy it was to start to drink again..the tricks my own mind played on me...A simple drink, to calm down, and BAM....my life is not my own anymore..I was controlled but a liquid substance...I was a puppet on strings....I am grateful that I am here, on this site..I am grateful that there are people like all of you to help pick me up and guide me..thank you
Does it get harder? well yess...try to find those who have done the mistake of drinking again after a period of substantial sobriety .... cause they are the ones who may (although not always) understand the crazy stuff that goes on in your head after that. Also work with others who have very little time...
My friends who got sober 27-30 years ago and stayed sober, and knew me when I had time....they are wonderful! But not having had the experience of having time and then drinking again...there are limits to their ability to understand those who make that mistake. They are my friends and support me. Those who have had to come back filled with that shame we feel when we drink again help me to see how to get through this. But I honestly think it is when I try to help the newcomer or as they call it here the "queen of the revolving door of sobriety" that I start to get back on track. When I talk to them about their struggles to get back to sobriety just one more time and hopefully for good...it somehow makes me more able to ignore the nasty voice in my head that says...you're worse cause you drank after years...you knew better....
And everything I did in the past sober is still just as good as it was before...the pain I caused others by drinking is real, but the "good" I did when sober is still good as well, regardless of the ick when I drank again.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Welcome enlightment.........
I won't get too specific because I haven't had this experience - that many years of not drinking only to drink again.
I do have several friends who are and have been in the same boat. One lady I know had 17 yrs before going back out again. I can repeat what she talks about now.......now that she's got another year since her last drink date: that she quit working the program that got her to 16 years and began doing only what she felt she needed to do to maintain her sobriety. She also says she quit talking to ppl about what was "really" going on. Instead, she glossed over the "bad stuff" so as not to paint a bad picture of what someone with that many years of recovery should be living like. In other words, she abandoned that blasted "program of rigorous honesty" that she'd been practicing in AA prior to going back out.
Then, there's my great grand sponsor's (53 years on Oct 13th) opinion but it's a lot more harsh......so I won't share it here in the newcomers forum.
It might also be that.........you never HAD the choice about drinking again. You might be one of those folks who THINKS they have a say as to whether they pick up again......but you really don't. I can't say if you're that type or not, it's up to you to decide / look for. PLEEEEENTY of ppl before you managed to rack up a lot of not-drinking time only to find out that they're still powerless over that next first drink...... Maybe you need more than just knowledge, desire, and will power and a lot of days since your last drink date? ......I did......
I won't get too specific because I haven't had this experience - that many years of not drinking only to drink again.
I do have several friends who are and have been in the same boat. One lady I know had 17 yrs before going back out again. I can repeat what she talks about now.......now that she's got another year since her last drink date: that she quit working the program that got her to 16 years and began doing only what she felt she needed to do to maintain her sobriety. She also says she quit talking to ppl about what was "really" going on. Instead, she glossed over the "bad stuff" so as not to paint a bad picture of what someone with that many years of recovery should be living like. In other words, she abandoned that blasted "program of rigorous honesty" that she'd been practicing in AA prior to going back out.
Then, there's my great grand sponsor's (53 years on Oct 13th) opinion but it's a lot more harsh......so I won't share it here in the newcomers forum.
It might also be that.........you never HAD the choice about drinking again. You might be one of those folks who THINKS they have a say as to whether they pick up again......but you really don't. I can't say if you're that type or not, it's up to you to decide / look for. PLEEEEENTY of ppl before you managed to rack up a lot of not-drinking time only to find out that they're still powerless over that next first drink...... Maybe you need more than just knowledge, desire, and will power and a lot of days since your last drink date? ......I did......
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