watching_someone_else_go_down
i've done my almost
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
watching_someone_else_go_down
A friend of mine "went out" again.
He lives in my neighborhood and this is the 2nd time since he's been "sober" that he's gone out and smoked meth.
It's been interesting watching him b/c he doesn't put any work at all (no AA, no other recovery method) into his sobriety and if asked he mentioned the 28day rehab center he completed 2 years ago.
He's still dishonest, takes short cuts, protects his ego, and is all over the place.
He called me from a hotel room this morning. No money, no cell phone, no car, his wife kicked him out, and his son is with his ex-wife.
He still continued to try to justify himself. I told him he's got to stop lying if he wants to get better. He's going to come over tonight. I hope I'm able to help him, but I just don't believe he's willing to put in the work to really change himself.
It's sad, but at the same time, we can't stay sober on what we did yesterday. I'm seeing him as living proof to this fact.
Kjell~
He lives in my neighborhood and this is the 2nd time since he's been "sober" that he's gone out and smoked meth.
It's been interesting watching him b/c he doesn't put any work at all (no AA, no other recovery method) into his sobriety and if asked he mentioned the 28day rehab center he completed 2 years ago.
He's still dishonest, takes short cuts, protects his ego, and is all over the place.
He called me from a hotel room this morning. No money, no cell phone, no car, his wife kicked him out, and his son is with his ex-wife.
He still continued to try to justify himself. I told him he's got to stop lying if he wants to get better. He's going to come over tonight. I hope I'm able to help him, but I just don't believe he's willing to put in the work to really change himself.
It's sad, but at the same time, we can't stay sober on what we did yesterday. I'm seeing him as living proof to this fact.
Kjell~
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,635
Watching others helps keep you sober tho. I have done it in the past and I think I now have enough 'events' and consequences in my back pocket and they are hopefully burned in my brain for when I think I can take that one drink. God, I don't want to go back there.
I hope you can help him.
I hope you can help him.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Amen.
I was this way for a long time. I wanted to be happy but I wasn't will to work for it. I wanted to continue to drink as well. Not until I was really desperate and disgusted with myself did I actually start doing the work. I had to get to that point.
It is sad and it's difficult to sit by and watch it. It's also difficult to know how to help someone who isn't willing to do the deal. It's tough.
I was this way for a long time. I wanted to be happy but I wasn't will to work for it. I wanted to continue to drink as well. Not until I was really desperate and disgusted with myself did I actually start doing the work. I had to get to that point.
It is sad and it's difficult to sit by and watch it. It's also difficult to know how to help someone who isn't willing to do the deal. It's tough.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
It takes what it takes. I am of the firm conclusion that the willingness born out of desperation is a gift. It takes more pain for some people as compared to others before the requisite amount of desperation/willingness is achieved.
For myself: If I hadn't had that nine month adventure in untreated alcoholism (i.e., just not drinking, no AA, no steps, no Higher Power), I never would be where I am at today. I had to be in sufficient pain and misery before I was willing to give up completely.
Susan
For myself: If I hadn't had that nine month adventure in untreated alcoholism (i.e., just not drinking, no AA, no steps, no Higher Power), I never would be where I am at today. I had to be in sufficient pain and misery before I was willing to give up completely.
Susan
i've done my almost
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Originally Posted by susanlauren 
It takes what it takes. I am of the firm conclusion that the willingness born out of desperation is a gift.
That has been my experience too. I didn't seek out a solution until I was in a lot of pain.
Hopefully, what I learned so far in AA, will carry over tonight to him. At least, maybe I can point him in the right direction.
When anyone anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA always to be there.
Hopefully, I can be that "hand" tonight.
Kjell~
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,474
I have witnessed a friend going out again this week, and with some distressing consequences. It is gut wrenching.
However it has hardened my resolve, and actually helped me to realise the true and significant pain I caused to others. Which of course I knew, but did not fully understand.
I think that is was only with a real desire to stay stopped, hard work, coming to self understanding and making significant change within ourselves with the help of counsell and support that we can truly remain and embrace sobriety.
Through whichever path(AA or other).... I hope your friend finds his way to his own lasting sobriety and a better life.
However it has hardened my resolve, and actually helped me to realise the true and significant pain I caused to others. Which of course I knew, but did not fully understand.
I think that is was only with a real desire to stay stopped, hard work, coming to self understanding and making significant change within ourselves with the help of counsell and support that we can truly remain and embrace sobriety.
Through whichever path(AA or other).... I hope your friend finds his way to his own lasting sobriety and a better life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
I've seen too many people go down for good. Not a cheerful subject, but someone should start a poll - "How many people have you seen go down for the count?"
Might be a shock for many just casually reading the forums...
Might be a shock for many just casually reading the forums...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
I see this a lot on this forum and elsewhere, but I'm not a big fan of "it takes what it takes" or "willingness born out of desperation is a gift" - a lot of people are simply given a "solution" that is incompatible with their temperament, and no one tells them that there are other ways. People just sit by and watch because they had to hit "rock bottom" before they "surrendered" to a particular methodology.
Very twisted thinking.
Very twisted thinking.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,410
Sorry to hear about your friend. I never did drugs before but I always hear that meth is a really bad drug to get into. Hope you can help him out but from what you say it maybe good to get him into rehab place. Get him sober for those 28 days and give him to tools to cope with his meth addiction.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Originally Posted by AVRT
I see this a lot on this forum and elsewhere, but I'm not a big fan of "it takes what it takes" or "willingness born out of desperation is a gift" - a lot of people are simply given a "solution" that is incompatible with their temperament, and no one tells them that there are other ways. People just sit by and watch because they had to hit "rock bottom" before they "surrendered" to a particular methodology.
Very twisted thinking.
Very twisted thinking.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
I don't know about waiting around to hit bottom and surrender. I was busy trying all the other possible alternatives to try and solve my problem with alcohol. A particular methodology was the last resort for a solution. The solution worked perfectly. Susan
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Coffs Nsw
Posts: 80
When I was in your friends headspace.. through alcohol not meth... the greatest help for me were the people who advised or truly listened but who had strong boundaries.. I dont mean tough love.. but they were people who really cared but who I knew I couldnt manipulate... it came down to one good friend, and 2 AA members ..they didnt judge me for still drinking, but they did support me for trying...and kept giving me 'hints' on where to be and really listened..
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: dayton, oh
Posts: 487
Kjell
First, as a recovering person I try to hang out with healthy individuals. I have a friend with untreated alcoholism that I check on but I don't try to change her or spend any time with her. You can do service work anonymously at shelters. It suits me at this stage of recovery.
I would suggest not being the one to try and help your friend. From your post, it sounds like you have a lot of judgement towards him and you don't have faith that he can succeed. it sounds like if he doesn't agree with your suggestions you think he will fail.
When someone is ill I offer them a bed and food, a ride to the salvation army or the ER. When they are ready, they will choose their path.
PS This is not the start of an AA/nonAA discussion. It's too bad that seems to happen.
SH
First, as a recovering person I try to hang out with healthy individuals. I have a friend with untreated alcoholism that I check on but I don't try to change her or spend any time with her. You can do service work anonymously at shelters. It suits me at this stage of recovery.
I would suggest not being the one to try and help your friend. From your post, it sounds like you have a lot of judgement towards him and you don't have faith that he can succeed. it sounds like if he doesn't agree with your suggestions you think he will fail.
When someone is ill I offer them a bed and food, a ride to the salvation army or the ER. When they are ready, they will choose their path.
PS This is not the start of an AA/nonAA discussion. It's too bad that seems to happen.
SH
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 484
I had a similar experience earlier this morning. I was going to a meeting, but it wasn't open. So I was walking around the corner, and ran into another guy I knew from AA and the streets. I yelled over to him, and as soon as I did, I realized he was drunk. Right away I was like, "Uh-oh."
He proceeds to tell me how he spent the night in the drunk tank. He then asked that I bring him to detox or a local rehab facility. I said, "Sure, the cars right around the corner." He then gave me $5 (for whatever reason, but crud I wasn't complainin'.) and told me he was heading to a bar down the street.
All I could think to myself was, "Man, nobody is going to give you a drink. You look like you slept in a dumpster, you have a goose-egg the size of a golf ball on your forehead, and you look like you've been in a motorcycle accident."
I felt so bad for him. And powerless, because there was nothing more I could do for him at that point. It was heart-wrenching man. I really wish I didn't have to see him like that, but I'm glad I did, because it opened up my eyes, BIG TIME.
He proceeds to tell me how he spent the night in the drunk tank. He then asked that I bring him to detox or a local rehab facility. I said, "Sure, the cars right around the corner." He then gave me $5 (for whatever reason, but crud I wasn't complainin'.) and told me he was heading to a bar down the street.
All I could think to myself was, "Man, nobody is going to give you a drink. You look like you slept in a dumpster, you have a goose-egg the size of a golf ball on your forehead, and you look like you've been in a motorcycle accident."
I felt so bad for him. And powerless, because there was nothing more I could do for him at that point. It was heart-wrenching man. I really wish I didn't have to see him like that, but I'm glad I did, because it opened up my eyes, BIG TIME.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
It is so hard watching others fall. Even tho I go down alot too. It def puts alot into perspective for me.
I watched this girl in Florida get out of the street.Homeless staying in abandoned houses looking dirty and sad. A guy took her in and she did really well for a couple months. And now she is back out there. But she also tried to be a drug dealer thinking she could do it. Selling the same drug she is addicted to. Didnt last very long. I will never forget what she said to me one night. She was mad because people were asking her for free stuff. She told them 'If I have to wait so do you. I'm the drug dealer and I cant even smoke.' I told her 'Well most drug delaers dont smoke to begin with' That was the stupidest thing I have heard anyone say in a long time.
She passed out and had a seizure in a store parking lot a couple weeks ago. She ODed on blues.
I have no room to talk. BEcause I am just as bad. I have 30 days clean now. But only because I am home.
It is sad tho. I'm sorry for your friend.
I watched this girl in Florida get out of the street.Homeless staying in abandoned houses looking dirty and sad. A guy took her in and she did really well for a couple months. And now she is back out there. But she also tried to be a drug dealer thinking she could do it. Selling the same drug she is addicted to. Didnt last very long. I will never forget what she said to me one night. She was mad because people were asking her for free stuff. She told them 'If I have to wait so do you. I'm the drug dealer and I cant even smoke.' I told her 'Well most drug delaers dont smoke to begin with' That was the stupidest thing I have heard anyone say in a long time.
She passed out and had a seizure in a store parking lot a couple weeks ago. She ODed on blues.
I have no room to talk. BEcause I am just as bad. I have 30 days clean now. But only because I am home.
It is sad tho. I'm sorry for your friend.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,959
Hopeful your friend/aquantice will be responsive to your message. That is if they are not to spun out at the time.
And having more than one message will bump up the odds of getting through to others. I know for myself I needed options in recovery. It just reflected the world I lived in...choice is real and real helpful for those that have been tainted by the world and its nefarious good intention peeps.
And having more than one message will bump up the odds of getting through to others. I know for myself I needed options in recovery. It just reflected the world I lived in...choice is real and real helpful for those that have been tainted by the world and its nefarious good intention peeps.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Personally, only being 5 months sober I am not in any way, shape or form ready to help others. I consider myself strong in my standings but I needn't subject myself to others that way. Just the same as I wouldn't knowingly go to a bar to see a friend. We can meet elsewhere for lunch.
All I would (or could comfortabley) volunteer a friend is phone numbers or a ride to the ER (which ironically is across the street from my house!) I don't feel its my duty to 'save' them especially if you know they really don't want to be saved. I am not mentally prepared for that situation.
My neighbor is a constant sobering reminder of how not to act on a daily basis. Lately, (now that the weather is nice) he's been sitting outside drunk. And I mean DRUNK!
I was telling my son about him and he met up with my son in my driveway. He said he was afraid that I would call the cops on him and wouldn't come into my yard. GOOD! He's done that before and its' really annoying having a drunk stumbling around your yard babbling.
It's a shame to see good people waste away...I can say that now.
Just be careful kjell. You do what you feel necessary.
All I would (or could comfortabley) volunteer a friend is phone numbers or a ride to the ER (which ironically is across the street from my house!) I don't feel its my duty to 'save' them especially if you know they really don't want to be saved. I am not mentally prepared for that situation.
My neighbor is a constant sobering reminder of how not to act on a daily basis. Lately, (now that the weather is nice) he's been sitting outside drunk. And I mean DRUNK!
I was telling my son about him and he met up with my son in my driveway. He said he was afraid that I would call the cops on him and wouldn't come into my yard. GOOD! He's done that before and its' really annoying having a drunk stumbling around your yard babbling.
It's a shame to see good people waste away...I can say that now.
Just be careful kjell. You do what you feel necessary.
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