Terminally Unique

More than a few former junkies and boozers think that just because they stopped getting loaded, that they are automatically qualified for relationship counseling and life coaching.

Somehow I seriously doubt that they are...

1undone

I knew if I voice/typed my opinion on this we'd have a problem.

The paragraph above is where I have the problem. Now, if my significant other threatened to leave me because of my drinking (which he has) and my initial reaction was to grab the very thing that was causing the threat I would say - that's manipulation. Also, if I came home to children not fed, door open, etc. I would think to myself, "well, now I know why the other relationship died" AND I believe that's child endangerment.

My initial response was given because of the 5 months. I'm sorry but that's not a very long relationship and if you aren't emotionally equipt to deal with Alcoholism (which most people are not) it can ruin the best of normies!

Fenris

I have no doubt that some relationships survive alcoholism, but I know how I behaved as an active alcoholic, and if the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn't put myself through certain pain and the frustration of hoping that my significant other might one day in some potential future decide to get help. Kudos to any non-alcoholic who stuck by their person and made it through to a better future...I don't believe that I would, but that's just me.

AVRT -- I see your point, but it doesn't really change my opinion (and that's all I'm offering: my opinion). And I'm sure that my opinion on this, or anything, could be wrong. I also believe that anyone who has firsthand experience on a thing is qualified to speak on it, share their experience and voice their opinion. Thanks for sharing yours and giving me something to think about.

--Fenris.

ETA

I agree 1undone - the above is a BIG HUGE RED FLAG with bells and sirens and flashing lights.

The "I have already lost you" statment is a great way to skirt taking responsibility. I have pulled that type of thing before and it was just a way for me to not have to change.

billsaintjames

It sounds to me like your partner is taking advantage of your kindness and willingness to put up with BS. It is not your responsibility to care take for your partner. In fact, care-taking for your partner may be enabling them to spiral even deeper into their addiction.

Like 30Sober said, life is short. Why not spend it with a healthy person who respects you and treats you the way you deserve to be treated?

grateful101010

Sorry for what you are going through. No one has said this yet: Wear a condom. You think it hurts now, wait until it's your own kid she's neglecting while you're out making a living to pay for the kid she "accidentally" conceived.

EmeraldRose

Welcome and I think it is very noble of you to seek support. At this point I believe that alanon is your best bet. This will give you an idea of what you are really dealing with so you can rationally make a choice for yourself.
Unfortunately, the choice is ultimately up to her. She will have to go through the motions and emotions of alcoholism before she quits. This could take weeks or years...it depends.
You will have countless promises of change, countless nights of worry. You will have nightly easter egg hunts looking for hidden bottles and eventually financial distress.
Her past baggage has never been aired and unpacked...it is still hidden deep in her soul. It is now resurfacing because of her past life experiences coing back to haunt her. Until she deals with her feelings...nothing will change. She has to WANT to change not just know she has to change. There is a difference. Change and action on her part is what it's all about and until she does -you are at her mercy. You will suffer along with her. But that choice is yours.
I've been an alcoholic for over 30 years. Five months sober today. I lost alot, alot changed and I am at a new place in my life. It is really kind of sad that it takes so much desire to overcome such an addiction. There is so much on the other side. But there is a deep fear -it remains in an alcoholics heart and is very hard to overcome.
You can only do what you can for yourself...understand it. That's it. She has to do the rest.
Wishing you peace and strength.

dbn0

Thanks everyone for all the support and advice, I really appreciate it. She went to work again so the kids were fine, they have day-care there (I dropped them off). I won't make the mistake of leaving them alone again, don't worry.

ETA especially, thank you for your post that meant a lot. I read that before we finally had a sober discussion of the events of the last few days and I can't believe how right you were. It really changed the attitude I had going in.

She lost her family because of her drinking, and yes there were underlying causes for that which I won't get into. She showed me her divorce papers with testimonials from teachers, family and friends saying how unfit she was to be a mother. She tried to bury that chapter of her life, even had her tubes tied (which I knew about) to keep it from happening again. Her ex found a new girlfriend and suddenly she was good enough for her kids again because they wanted some alone time. Things make a lot more sense now.

As for me, well I've been doing a lot of thinking about this, trust me. I've had my share of relationships in the past and can honestly say I've never felt this strongly about anyone before. Leaving her isn't really an option, I wouldn't be able to live with myself after that. I can't just flick a switch and forget about her. I think what she needs the most right now is for someone to show her that sometimes things CAN work out. I know it's not going to be easy but I'm fine with that. I told her the only way she'd get rid of me is by asking me to leave.

Priority one is the next 10 days the kids are here. I spoke to her aunt and she's fine with them staying with her for a while if the need arises. She didn't drink at all last night which was great, I finally had a decent night's rest and am feeling a lot better now. I know this won't be magically fixed overnight, I'll take things one day at a time.

Thanks again everyone I'll definitely stick around and read a lot more. This is all a bit new to me and it's great having input from people who know what they're talking about.

billsaintjames

You told your partner that you were going to leave, and then you didn't. Now you told her that the only way she'll get rid of you is asking you to leave. At this point, she knows she can get away with pretty much anything, and you'll put up with it.

"I can't live without this person" -- those are some pretty dangerous words. I think you can and should be able to live and enjoy life with or without this person.

I hope things work out between the two of you.

Fenris

DBN, I hope things work out for you. If you are as committed to this relationship as you say you are, I think you should educate yourself about the disease of addiction (not saying your g/f is an alcoholic...that's not my place), but as others have said, Al-Anon can be a very helpful support group for the friends/family of people with a drinking problem. Good luck.

--Fenris.

littlefish

I am going to make this simple and neat: she is a flaming alcoholic and you are codependent. There is something about you that is drawn to the flame, you like it in some way. It fulfills some need you have to take care of people. I am sorry to say this but it is a sick need. You are sick too.

My best advice is to run, run, run and get away from this relationship.

Codie? Yes, there you were taking care of her,not your, kids while she was passed out and vomiting. If she has no interest in recovery or does not accept that she is a drunk....forget it.

I am a recovered alcoholic and I never behaved like that: she sounds hard core and I wouldn't even want to have lunch with her...sponsor her? I would have to think long and hard before I took on a case like hers. To be honest? I wouldn't feel capable of sponsoring an alcoholic like her. Yes, there are those who would...but they know how to deal with hard core cases. I don't- Yet, you feel capable. Does that tell you something about yourself?

keithj

I would just add that these types of chronic alcoholics, the types that just can't seem to stay sober no matter what, that can't see any hope for ever getting better and who can't imagine life without alcohol...; these folks are a perfect fit for AA, walked through the Steps by someone that has been there and has found a way out.

Assuming, of course, they want a way out and are willing to go to any lengths.

ETA

I'm so glad you got something out of my post. I relate to your situation and believe that with love and strength anything is possible!

I am a bit concerned about this: You might be setting yourself up for some serious misery. I think here is where I believe in tough love. It's not going to help her any if there aren't consequences for her behavoir.

My situation has a few very important things going on:

• My boyfriend calls me on my crap and always makes sure he takes care of himself. If I kept going he would leave - he would be sad about it - but he sure as hell would go.
• I knew I had a problem years before we started dating. I took his warning/ultimatum very very seriously. I have not had one drop of alcohol since he said I would lose him w/out controlling my drinking.

And regarding her kids - make sure you don't do too much for her. She needs to be responsible and bond with them.

IE:
This to me sounds like enabling. I'm hoping you set this up w/out your girlfriend's knowledge otherwise it might excuse to allow her to slip. She needs to take responsibility and not put things in your lap.

Although I think littlefish's post was too harsh there was one thing I agree with completely "If she has no interest in recovery or does not accept that she is a drunk....forget it."

As I said before I'm SO thankful my boyfriend stuck by me. He really probably shouldn't have. I'm going to my part. Just make sure your girlfriend does hers.

Terminally Unique

This isn't really my place to say, but while I didn't advocate leaving just yet, I'm not sure I would have told her that, either. Her past experience with having lost both her ex and her kids, coupled with her fear of losing you, might make for a potent wake-up call should the time come.

Good luck, but brace yourself. You know where to find me if you ever need to bring out the big guns. :-)

Terminally Unique

While I kind of dig littlefish's shoot-from-the-hip attitude, as it mirrors my own somewhat, and the "flaming alcoholic" line made me laugh, I'm not too keen on people diagnosing others anonymously over the Internet.

For one thing, the term "codependency" didn't even exist prior to the mid 1970's. I've also had anonymous "little shrinks" on recovery forums try and diagnose me as counter-dependent before, which is presumably the opposite of codependent, simply because they couldn't get much information out of me with their usual tricks. Not being a fan of pop psychology, though, I paid them no attention whatsoever.

Something to ponder.