dbn0

I don't really know where to start, I think this will be a long post sorry.

I've been living with my girlfriend for 5 months now and been very happy. We're both 32 by the way. We both drink too much, but it's always been good fun. She tends to get drunk a lot quicker than I do so I learned to recognize when that was happening and get her home early, where she'd usually pass out or have another drink or 2 before passing out. It didn't seem like a problem for some reason, I enjoy a good party but don't have a problem stopping after 1 or 2 drinks, or 6 for that matter. There've been a few times that she was too hung-over to work but I thought of those as slip-ups on my part. We don't drink every night but probably more nights than we should.

She has two kids from her previous marriage, a 12 y/o daughter and 6 y/o son. They live with her ex (should probably have seen this as a red-flag) quite far away. The ex came to drop them off for two weeks this Saturday, and the previous night she started drinking heavily. Beer glasses full of red wine. She gets off work earlier than me on Fridays and by the time I got home she was busy on the third bottle. When I tried to stop her we had a massive argument and she ended up passing out on the couch. Luckily it was only 6pm.

The next morning she had no memory of the argument at all. She told me how stressed she was about me meeting her kids and seeing her ex again, which I could understand. I managed to comfort her and keep her sober until they arrived at about noon and everything went well. Her ex and I and got along well enough and her kids like me, she thanked me for keeping her calm and everything seemed great.

So I took them all to her sister's place that afternoon so the kids could play together and we could all relax a bit. The brother-in-law and I spent most of the time outdoors and by the time the meat was done she was passed out again. Her sister was drunk too but was at least looking after the kids in a way, the youngest being 2 years old. I couldn't wake her till 9pm by which time her daughter was waiting in my car already and the 6 y/o was sleeping. I didn't want to carry her in front of the kids. Not a good time. I spoke to her in bed after she threw up to try and find out what happened and she couldn't give me a reason. She looked so happy in the afternoon. She said she just tends to mess up anything that's good in her life. I told her that drinking never helped anything and that maybe we should just stop altogether. I'd stop drinking with her, get her help if she wanted. She told me how I was the best thing that ever happened to her and how she didn't want to lose me and how sorry she was. I went to sleep thinking we could work through this.

On Sunday it happened again. Mid-afternoon I was playing video-games with the kids while she prepared dinner. For some reason she started drinking vodka and never finished the food. She came into the living room with us and ended up passed out on her daughter's lap. I threw out all the alcohol in the house.

Monday morning she was too hung-over to go to work. I told her I wasn't angry with her and asked her to just please stop drinking, it hurts me to see her like that. She bought more booze in the morning sometime and was in bed when I got home. Kids weren't fed, house was a mess, front door wide open. I cleaned up, fed them, put them to bed and waited for her to wake up. She was still drunk and acted like nothing was wrong, it's as if she totally shuts down emotionally. I told her I'd had enough and was leaving her and she ran to the kitchen to get more vodka she'd hidden away. I followed her, grabbed the bottle out of her hand and asked if she wants to lose her job as well. She said that didn't matter much because she'd already lost me. I held her and we started talking and somehow we're still together.

I don't know what to do anymore. I really do love her and can't handle seeing her self-destruct. She's really a great person when she's sober but it's as if she's in a downward spiral of depression. I don't even know if this is the right forum for this, just had to get it out. Feeling pretty damn helpless at the moment.

ACT10Npack

Sorry to hear about your girlfriend and it really seem that she has a drinking problem. The best way is to not drink around her or buy alcohol. If she does have depression then she is using the alcohol to self medical her problem. Try to get her to go to a counselor that does with alcohol problems. There is a lot of alcoholic problems out there that she can use. Just affirm her about this and if she does not want help then there is not much you can do beside never drink with her.

dbn0

Thanks, I'll do that. No more alcohol for me. I guess my biggest question is how to react if/when she does it again. I don't know how to handle that. Shouting doesn't help, threatening to leave doesn't, being understanding doesn't. What's left?

I'm sure she'll take it very badly if I leave her, but is that maybe what she needs? It tears me up inside, the only way I'll be able to do that is cutting off contact completely, maybe moving to another town.

Any advice?

Latte

At this point, it's about keeping the children safe. I think contacting someone who can care for the kids (whether it be her ex or some other family-not her sister probably, but who knows). The environment is not good for them.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Zebra1275

It's her decision whether she wants to stop drinking, not yours.

Your thread title, "Girlfriend seems to have a problem" understates things, she DOES have a problem in my opinion.

nandm

Welcome to SR

One thing to keep in mind is we can not control or change other people including their behaviors. Until your girlfriend is ready she is not going to stop drinking no matter what you do including stopping drinking yourself. It is admirable you are willing to support her by doing so but unfortunately if she is an alcoholic it will not stop her.

I suggest going to ALANON for support and a way to learn the tools to deal with an alcoholic. You can find listings for ALANON in your phone book or by going online to find meetings in your area. It will be one of the best things you can do for both of you.

Take care and I do hope things work out for you.

ETA

Hi dbn0,

I'm very sorry for what you and your girlfriend are going through this. As single mom who only recently quit drinking I have lots of opinions on your post. Please know that I am in no way an expert and if I sound judgemental I promise it's directed at myself, not you or your girlfriend.

I was in the same boat as you girlfriend but not as extreme. I drank a lot but never so much as it sounds like she is. I know where she is at - I mess up good stuff and my man is the best thing that ever happened to me,

Those are signs of self esteem issues which may be a result of her drinking or what she is trying to fix with drinking.

I can understand that her kids are a trigger - a mom w/out custody can have a lot of guilt and shame on that subject alone. But there is no excuse for not feeding your kids. I don't say that in a judgemental way. My daughter learned how to cook scrambled eggs at 12 years old because I had drank so much the night before she couldn't wake me up in the morning. I felt like the biggest loser ever. That was 7 years ago and I only admitted I had an unsolvable problem last week.

But (and this does not make it ok) at least I was scaring myself. For 20 years I have been scaring myself, hurting others, screwing things up and it got worse as time went on.

Theory: It takes a whole bunch of disasters to get a person to admit to a problem and then it takes a whole bunch more to get them to see how to fix it.

Finally last wednesday, after my wonderful boyfriend told me I would lose him if I didn't get it under control, I had a HUGE epiphany - I can never drink again. Moderation does not work for people who cannot control their drinking. Never ever ever. Never.

It sounds like she is in that category - moderation is not going to work for her, she will need to stop completely.

How close do you think she is to that realization? How much remorse does she show? Any progress at all in the time you have been together or is it getting worse?

As for you - I could hug you for saying you would quit drinking with her. That shows how much you love her and that you are smart enough to realize that she may not be able to do it without that extra help.

You should not be blaming yourself for not baby sitting well enough when she drinks too much. Please understand change must come from her. You cannot make her stop or fix her.

I have dragged my boyfriend on a 3+ year roller coaster ride. He has stood by me through wayyyy more than anyone ever rationally should. If it wasn't for his consistent, unconditional love and friendship I don't think I would have made it through the last few years.

If I had met him 5 years earlier maybe I wouldn't have stopped drinking. It may be 5 more years until she is ready to admit she needs to stop - can you hang in there with her until she is ready? Or perhaps losing you is that last straw that gets her to face her problem. It kills my boyfriend to see what I do to myself and he does the best he can to stand by me, help me, pick me up... and my love for him is the kick in the a** that has gotten me in therapy and, when that wasn't enough, quit drinking.

I drove my man right to the edge and I am SO thankful that I saw that before it was too late. He stayed through some terrible stuff always having faith in me - that's probably why you are still there. You aren't ready to leave.

You can't make her happy, you can't make her change... You can be there for her. That should be enough. I'm a fan of tough love but also combined patience, forgiveness and second chances. She should use your love and support to help get herself together. Otherwise at some point you will have had enough.

I'm glad you came here. I actually found this site because I was trying to see my man's perspective and searched "engaged to an alcoholic."

I wish all the best for you all...



PS I agree with Latte that the children are a concern - if you do leave then it would be best to get the children somewhere else.

BobGT

You might want to read and/or post in the Friends and Family forum. Best wishes.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Fenris

DBN, there is almost nothing you can say or do that will make your girlfriend truly admit that she's powerless over alcohol. That's a conclusion she'll have to come to on her own, and it usually happens after we hit rock bottom. Please find some support for yourself (I recommend Al-Anon for you and Alcoholics Anonymous for your girlfriend, but there are other programs/support groups available as well). As an alcoholic, I have no real personal experience from the other side of things (i.e. from the perspective of the loved ones of the alcoholic), but I know that no matter how much my wife begged and pleaded, I couldn't/wouldn't stop drinking, couldn't/wouldn't get help, until I reached a point where (in a brief moment of sobriety) I saw how out of control my life had become. You leaving her may help her hit bottom quicker. It may not. But the important thing for you (I think) is that you don't let her problem control your life. Be willing to do anything to help her get better and nothing to help things continue as they are.

--Fenris.

Anna

I am so concerned about the children.

I hope that one of you makes sure the children are in a safe environment, which is not the case now.

Eddiebuckle

DB,

Get a copy of Under the Influence and read it - quick. You need to understand where she is and what it takes for her to get sober. It sounds like your realtionship with you GF is already pretty disfunctional - you are taking care of her house and children, and she is having no consequences for her actions and choices.

Get to an al-anon meeting, and seriously... consider ending the relationship. If you choose to stay, understand this is going to be a rough ride with a high probability of failure. I am an alcoholic - not trying to diss your GF or your love for her, but you are in a game with really bad odds.

Good luck.

1undone

You seem like a sweet person but IMHO you are taking on way more than is necessary when it comes to being a boyfriend. I am an alcoholic and I can tell you that if you have the chance to get away from this relationship, I say run. I don't mean to sound cold but I can put myself in your shoes and I would (even though again, I'm the alcoholic) run for the hills!

I wish I could add more but I don't want to come across the wrong way.....

Terminally Unique

If you think your GF may be up to reading it, get her a copy of the book "Under the Influence" by James R. Milam. It is an easy read, and may help her see things more clearly. It may help you understand things as well.

As you've already seen, you are going to get the usual advice about "just leave, you can't help, no one can" here. I tend to disagree. Most people simply don't know how to help. However, if you are indeed prepared to leave - and I am not suggesting that you do this unless you want to - I always recommend a zero tolerance ultimatum - ie, "no more drinking or I will leave" - rather than just leaving.

In all probability, she may choose the drink, but it will serve a useful purpose. For one, she will know she made the choice. For another, at some point, she will look back on the incident and it may help her. Many years ago, I had someone tell me that I had to quit drinking or that they would leave.

My answer at the time was "well, that's certainly not going to happen" - and they left me - but well over a decade later, when things had gotten much worse, I still recalled that incident, and the choice I made, and it did help me.

There is, of course, the possibility, particularly since she seems to value the relationship even more than her job, that she will "snap out of it" if you put it to her this way, and that she will do what she needs to do in order to quit. This, of course, is the best possible outcome.

Feel free to send me a private message if you are interested in how to phrase things. I have helped others in this respect.

Terminally Unique

What is it with some people in recovery and the impulse to punish?

Every time one of these threads comes up - and not just on this forum - there is always a chorus to kick the offending party to the curb. It's almost as if some people, having been punished themselves, want to go on and make sure that others are punished, too.

What is so "wrong" about someone actually caring about another person's welfare, or about wanting to salvage a relationship?

30Sober

There's being there for someone and there's being a doormat. If she doesn't want to change, your life is going to be hell until she does. We don't know your whole story but try to speak to people at AlAnon if you can. Gauge the situation and decide if this relationship is worth it. Life is short, I wish you the best of luck.

bratnik

dbn0 - I feel for what you are going through. Her behavior sounds pretty familiar of where I was a year ago. I'm only 23 days into my sobriety but I am able to see things in a much clearer fashion right now.

First off - I don't have children - but I was drinking during the day and by the time my husband got home there were times when I was passed out with dinner in the oven. While I'm not advocating leaving or staying (that decision is ultimately yours and yours alone) - I am eternally grateful to my husband for sticking by me to this day. If I can share something that may help, I do know is that I was EXTREMELY unhappy in my life at that point, through no fault of his. I hated where we lived, I hated our apartment, I was unemployed, I was dealing with toxic friends, he travelled all of the time and I felt alone and that nobody understood. I would drink to dull all of it. I would start just to take some pain away and the next thing I know a few hours later I crossed that line and was passed out. All this time, having all of the support and unconditional love from my husband, it wasn't working. He would say "I can't do this anymore" but I would still do it because I couldn't find a way out of that vicious cycle of unhappiness.

I was in intense cognitive therapy at the time and all it seemed to be doing is keeping me in a low place - as it was more cognitive and less behavioral. I was reliving all past trauma twice a week and it seemed to be adding to my unhappiness from which I needed to escape. Perhaps at that time something more behavioral would have been better for me.

She has a wonderful partner in you just as I did/do. My husband wanted more than anything to fix it but he was powerless. It's a year later - we moved a few months ago and I was rid of a lot of toxicity. I was still drinking - it didn't happen overnight, but it did eventually happen.

I guess all I am saying by my experience is that she could be very unhappy with something which is why she keeps escaping with the bottle, and it is not your fault or your doing. Would she be open to therapy? I know I said mine was hurting me, but perhaps someone focused on addiction or with a more behavioral approach could help her work through some things and help get out of whatever it is she is running from.

I'm no expert and new to sobriety, but I thought I would share my feelings as I read your experiences as a point of view. Don't know if any of it helps, but I certainly identified with what she has been doing. Thank you for keeping those kids safe.

My best to you and sending you much support. *hugs*

Fenris

Nothing, but is there something "wrong" with someone being concerned about their own welfare? Or the welfare of the children? I don't blame anyone who kicked me to the curb when they got tired of putting up with me being a drunk. An alcoholic is a sick person, but I don't think that means everyone else has to be sick with them. Walking away from a relationship that's going down in flames because of alcohol is what sane people do. Hard to recommend against it.

--Fenris.

Terminally Unique

The welfare of the children? From the original post, it would seem that the girlfriend's ex has custody of the children. I fail to see how "just leaving" would improve their welfare. If anything, that would leave them alone with someone who is routinely drinking to oblivion when they visit.

Furthermore, the OP stated "I've been living with my girlfriend for 5 months now and been very happy," so there is obviously something there he cares for, and doesn't necessarily want to give up on.

How do you know the relationship will go down in flames? Do you have a magic 8 ball? Many people have wised up when they saw what they had to lose, either in terms of family, spouse, or job. Indeed, one of the most effective ways to get someone to quit is to give them a choice between their job and drinking, as opposed to just firing them.

I've had people kick me to the curb, and although I don't necessarily blame them, the only thing that led to was even more drinking. In some instances, had I been given an ultimatum - a choice - I probably would have made the right one.

I am also keenly aware that some people believe that this is a GOOD thing, since it will accelerate the alcoholic's downfall into the abyss, and that once they hit "rock bottom" they'll have an epiphany. Some people have no bottom, though, and a progression of losses and escalating drinking often leads to the grave. I've seen it too many times.

Would that help the children? Losing their mother?

ETA

There are plenty of people I should have kicked to the curb earlier than I did but, like quitting drinking, it took me a while to accept the truth of the situation.

I don't think a global "dump her" or "keep her" can be told to anyone - even if we know them very well in real life.

I am SO glad my man stuck by me even though he probably should have kicked me to the curb years ago!

The key thing with us is that I do not put any of this on him and am doing what I can to get better and learn to be happy on my own. His part is that he has given a 150% to me but has enough common sense to draw a line in the sand.


Threatening to leave -- that won't work unless you mean it. I know my boyfriend meant it and that's why it hit me so hard.

What she needs -- none of can say - we can only share our own thoughts, experiences and what worked for us.

Make sure to ask yourself "what do I need?" ...

pavernt

I agree with this; when my friend & I had lunch yesterday (we work for the same company) she said, if I ever spoke to her the way I did again I'd lose her - and it was that that brought it home.