Finally accepted I am an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Land down under
Posts: 433
Hi Kopfan
Welcome to SR, you will get a lot of support here and good advice (already shown).
I will add that in my opinion, that while detox deals with the physical sides of addiction, in order to work your recovery you need to deal with mental side. Try not to think of it as "willpower" to get through, but rather look at the positive things that will come out of sobriety. Because when willpower fails, you don't have a fall back.
Also, in my opinion, the "price I paid" for recovery is far better than the "price I paid" for drinking. I think the reason it has clicked for me this time is that I don't look back at my drinking past and reminisce about the "good times". I remind myself that there are many, many good times to come and guess what?... I will remember all of them
Keep posting and come and hang out in chat too. It's a great place to come when you are feeling a little vulnerable, or just want some company.
Take care
Welcome to SR, you will get a lot of support here and good advice (already shown).
I will add that in my opinion, that while detox deals with the physical sides of addiction, in order to work your recovery you need to deal with mental side. Try not to think of it as "willpower" to get through, but rather look at the positive things that will come out of sobriety. Because when willpower fails, you don't have a fall back.
Also, in my opinion, the "price I paid" for recovery is far better than the "price I paid" for drinking. I think the reason it has clicked for me this time is that I don't look back at my drinking past and reminisce about the "good times". I remind myself that there are many, many good times to come and guess what?... I will remember all of them
Keep posting and come and hang out in chat too. It's a great place to come when you are feeling a little vulnerable, or just want some company.
Take care
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 624
Great posting, and welcome. It's scary starting out on a new journey of sobriety, but the benefits are INCREDIBLE. I understand your fear about never drinking again, and yes, it's a thought that used to make me flutter with anxiety. Now, 64 days in, I allow myself time to think and reflect on those thoughts, and instead of making me feel overwhelmed, it actually calms me when I realize I can't or won't drink again.
I also echo the opinion that viewing alcohol as a poison (which it IS!) is a very useful tool.
I wish you the best, and keep us updated on your thoughts and progress.
I also echo the opinion that viewing alcohol as a poison (which it IS!) is a very useful tool.
I wish you the best, and keep us updated on your thoughts and progress.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
It's important newcomers threads don't get hijacked.
I've moved a tangential discussion here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...91-rockrz.html
thanks everyone
D
I've moved a tangential discussion here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...91-rockrz.html
thanks everyone
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 473
I'm overwhelmed with all of the messages of support and encouragement. It made me cry to realise that I'm not alone in this journey and that so many other people are suffering in the same way.
It's 7am here in the UK and I've slept for about six hours and woke up feeling refreshed and good about myself.
Thank you so much to all of the regulars who take the time to post and who selflessly give up their time and effort to help other people recover. I hope that in time I can repay your kindness.
And thank you to everyone else for your cajoling and kind words of comfort.
TONYUK - looks like it is written in fate that we should do our journey together as I'm also a Tony!
Day 5 here we come!
It's 7am here in the UK and I've slept for about six hours and woke up feeling refreshed and good about myself.
Thank you so much to all of the regulars who take the time to post and who selflessly give up their time and effort to help other people recover. I hope that in time I can repay your kindness.
And thank you to everyone else for your cajoling and kind words of comfort.
TONYUK - looks like it is written in fate that we should do our journey together as I'm also a Tony!
Day 5 here we come!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 473
I'm feeling good and the comments here have helped enormously.
It particularly helps to think of alcohol as a poison and I especially liked thinking of the time frame between your last drunk and the next drink becoming shorter and shorter until it supresses the life out of you.
That's what has been happening to me over a long time frame and each time I stopped drinking for a few days I found it harder and harder to resist the urge to drink again. Because of course I was an alcoholic.
But I didn't know it then. Or refused to believe it. Or denied I could be one.
Alcoholics are spineless and cowardly people who will not face up to their responsibilities. That's what I believed for years whilst I lived the lie in ignorance.
"I don't drink every day so what's the problem? I'm not an alcoholic."
Lucky for me and many other people that soberrecovery.com exists for those that realise they have a problem and need to start helping themselves.
Today my mind is all over the place. But in a good way.
My partner has gone to a friends and I know they wil be drinking.
But whereas in the past I would have been having feelings of resentment and anger because "I couldn't do it" through my own choice (if I was staying off it for a day), today I feel a void open up.
A chasm of emptiness.
I don't resent it at all (them drinking) but I feel the need to start spending my time meaningfully instead of sitting mindlessly on my own playing online poker and drinking until I pass out. (And empty my bank account again).
On reflection today I see symptoms of my illness all around me.
The broken fence in the garden that needs fixing and is an eyesore. The leaking stop tap that has been leaking for months. The stairs that are carpetless because we ripped it up after our dog kept pissing on it. Probably because we couldn't be bothered to let him out or paid him no attention in our drunkenness.
The stairs that need wallpapering because we stripped it and then couldn't be bothered. The guttering that drips and is a simple fix. Our bedroom needs wallpapering, the boys room needs wardrobe doors fixed and made good.
The garden needs mowing, the dishwasher needs fixing, that picture needs to be put back up that has been sitting on the floor for months.
The remote control needs the batteries putting back in that fell out on Christmas day.
I'm kidding on the last one but you know what I mean.
I feel like I need to come to peace with myself. Maybe I should learn to meditate?
I need to feel happy doing the things that I want to do rather than worrying about how much everyone else is drinking and that feeling that I am missing out on something.
I do feel today that I am missing something but that something is not alcohol. I don't feel the urge to drink at all. I feel tired, which is unusual for me and I'm not able to concentrate properly on anything.
Normally I'm not able to concentrate the day after downing a bottle of vodka. Or as it got in the latter stages four bottles of wine last Saturday night because I thought it wouldn't give me such a hangover on Fathers day.
I realise I was on the brink of descending into the madness of drinking every day.
Tomorrow is Friday and it's time to start drinking about 3 in the afternoon. Nothing too heavy you understand, just a pint of stella in the pub on the way home. Maybe another one as it's a nice day and it's nice here in the beer garden.
No more as I have to drive home. So let's get four cans of cider from the shop on the way home. That quenches your thirst doesn't it.
By 8 oclock we'll be on the vodka hard and checking our watches to make sure we get to the shop before it closes at 9.30. Make sure we get another bottle to last the night.
One time I walked our little dog to the shop and then forgot he was there. The poor mite was picked up by the paper guy dropping off the papers at 5 in the morning.
He was lucky he didn't freeze to death and I was lucky to get him back, lying to the family that he must have run off and secretly meeting at a car park to pick him up.
We've all got horror stories of falling down, staggering out of the pub and nearly walking straight into the path of a car, falling down the stairs, shagging people you wouldn't look at twice in the cold light of day (in my younger days of course! I've been faithful these past seventeen years.) Phone calls you can't remember. Promises you'll never keep.........
So tomorrow will be the first Friday since I can't remember when I will be sober.
The recycling comes in the morning and I'm going to watch them take the bottles away. Along with my drinking life.
It particularly helps to think of alcohol as a poison and I especially liked thinking of the time frame between your last drunk and the next drink becoming shorter and shorter until it supresses the life out of you.
That's what has been happening to me over a long time frame and each time I stopped drinking for a few days I found it harder and harder to resist the urge to drink again. Because of course I was an alcoholic.
But I didn't know it then. Or refused to believe it. Or denied I could be one.
Alcoholics are spineless and cowardly people who will not face up to their responsibilities. That's what I believed for years whilst I lived the lie in ignorance.
"I don't drink every day so what's the problem? I'm not an alcoholic."
Lucky for me and many other people that soberrecovery.com exists for those that realise they have a problem and need to start helping themselves.
Today my mind is all over the place. But in a good way.
My partner has gone to a friends and I know they wil be drinking.
But whereas in the past I would have been having feelings of resentment and anger because "I couldn't do it" through my own choice (if I was staying off it for a day), today I feel a void open up.
A chasm of emptiness.
I don't resent it at all (them drinking) but I feel the need to start spending my time meaningfully instead of sitting mindlessly on my own playing online poker and drinking until I pass out. (And empty my bank account again).
On reflection today I see symptoms of my illness all around me.
The broken fence in the garden that needs fixing and is an eyesore. The leaking stop tap that has been leaking for months. The stairs that are carpetless because we ripped it up after our dog kept pissing on it. Probably because we couldn't be bothered to let him out or paid him no attention in our drunkenness.
The stairs that need wallpapering because we stripped it and then couldn't be bothered. The guttering that drips and is a simple fix. Our bedroom needs wallpapering, the boys room needs wardrobe doors fixed and made good.
The garden needs mowing, the dishwasher needs fixing, that picture needs to be put back up that has been sitting on the floor for months.
The remote control needs the batteries putting back in that fell out on Christmas day.
I'm kidding on the last one but you know what I mean.
I feel like I need to come to peace with myself. Maybe I should learn to meditate?
I need to feel happy doing the things that I want to do rather than worrying about how much everyone else is drinking and that feeling that I am missing out on something.
I do feel today that I am missing something but that something is not alcohol. I don't feel the urge to drink at all. I feel tired, which is unusual for me and I'm not able to concentrate properly on anything.
Normally I'm not able to concentrate the day after downing a bottle of vodka. Or as it got in the latter stages four bottles of wine last Saturday night because I thought it wouldn't give me such a hangover on Fathers day.
I realise I was on the brink of descending into the madness of drinking every day.
Tomorrow is Friday and it's time to start drinking about 3 in the afternoon. Nothing too heavy you understand, just a pint of stella in the pub on the way home. Maybe another one as it's a nice day and it's nice here in the beer garden.
No more as I have to drive home. So let's get four cans of cider from the shop on the way home. That quenches your thirst doesn't it.
By 8 oclock we'll be on the vodka hard and checking our watches to make sure we get to the shop before it closes at 9.30. Make sure we get another bottle to last the night.
One time I walked our little dog to the shop and then forgot he was there. The poor mite was picked up by the paper guy dropping off the papers at 5 in the morning.
He was lucky he didn't freeze to death and I was lucky to get him back, lying to the family that he must have run off and secretly meeting at a car park to pick him up.
We've all got horror stories of falling down, staggering out of the pub and nearly walking straight into the path of a car, falling down the stairs, shagging people you wouldn't look at twice in the cold light of day (in my younger days of course! I've been faithful these past seventeen years.) Phone calls you can't remember. Promises you'll never keep.........
So tomorrow will be the first Friday since I can't remember when I will be sober.
The recycling comes in the morning and I'm going to watch them take the bottles away. Along with my drinking life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,551
I know what you mean about wanting to be fit again. I can remember being sober and fit, I ran on a daily basis. Now I use walking the dog as an excuse to drink (a ton) at the park. I make plans to get in shape but my addiction is keeping me from it. gah. I'm on day one. Nice work with 4 days sober!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,551
Thats a nice feeling isn't it? the bottles gone from your recycle bin?? I lasted a week last month, long enough to see the beer cans and wine bottles go. I was proud not to have it full to the brink with evidence of my addiction.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Middletown, N.J.
Posts: 53
Originally Posted by kopfan 
We've all got horror stories of falling down, staggering out of the pub and nearly walking straight into the path of a car, falling down the stairs, shagging people you wouldn't look at twice in the cold light of day (in my younger days of course! I've been faithful these past seventeen years.) Phone calls you can't remember. Promises you'll never keep.........
again, i feel comforted by how much i can truly relate to all of this. horror stories to say the least. doing the same thing over and over and always thinking that the next time will be different. that it hurt so bad that you never want to drink again. but end up doing it anyway. sometimes it feels like a very lonely battle. like people dont really understand the war that wages within. thank you for your posts and your honesty.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 484
WOW! I sure can identify with the losing money playing online poker whilst drunk part. Poker and alcohol DO NOT MIX.
That being said, you can take drunks to the CLEANERS if you're sober. Believe me, I know, because I've been on both ends of the spectrum. HAHA.
Bottom line, it sounds like alcohol isn't a good fit for you. Why not give something healthier a try?
You're here, so you've already taken a HUGE first step. KEEP THAT BALL ROLLING!
We're all here for support.
That being said, you can take drunks to the CLEANERS if you're sober. Believe me, I know, because I've been on both ends of the spectrum. HAHA.
Bottom line, it sounds like alcohol isn't a good fit for you. Why not give something healthier a try?
You're here, so you've already taken a HUGE first step. KEEP THAT BALL ROLLING!
We're all here for support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 473
It's 6am. I'm early rising as part of my new routine to make sure I'm tired and can sleep at night.
It didn't work last night though and I was awake most of the night. An image of a pint of stella kept coming to me complete with condensation on the side of the glass and fine froth on top. This mental imagery is very strong.
I will not drink today. I don't feel the urge to drink like I used to. After six months of lurking here finally admitting I have a problem and confronting it has given me a new resolve. Knowing that I have so many other people who can relate to my story and I with them has given me an unseen power.
For now that voice is reduced to a pitiful whisper and each time he says anything I batter him with everything I have until he shrinks into a corner and dares to come back.
Friday holds no terrors for me today. But the realisation that I must fill the empty space is my main concern.
For the first time the thought that I may never drink again is becoming a release and not the suffocating monster that it has been in the past.
There is a long way to go but today I will not drink.
"I think I can make it now the drink is gone"
"I can see all obstacles in my way"
"Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind"
"It's gonna be a bright, bright sunshiny day!"
Peace and sobriety to all today.
It didn't work last night though and I was awake most of the night. An image of a pint of stella kept coming to me complete with condensation on the side of the glass and fine froth on top. This mental imagery is very strong.
I will not drink today. I don't feel the urge to drink like I used to. After six months of lurking here finally admitting I have a problem and confronting it has given me a new resolve. Knowing that I have so many other people who can relate to my story and I with them has given me an unseen power.
For now that voice is reduced to a pitiful whisper and each time he says anything I batter him with everything I have until he shrinks into a corner and dares to come back.
Friday holds no terrors for me today. But the realisation that I must fill the empty space is my main concern.
For the first time the thought that I may never drink again is becoming a release and not the suffocating monster that it has been in the past.
There is a long way to go but today I will not drink.
"I think I can make it now the drink is gone"
"I can see all obstacles in my way"
"Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind"
"It's gonna be a bright, bright sunshiny day!"
Peace and sobriety to all today.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 624
kopfan, I really hope you do stick around on here. Your posts are great to read, really, really fantastic. You have a talent, my friend.
As to the list of things you want to do, I wrote a list (on here) of all the things I have achieved since staying sober. I posted it on day 30 or so for me, and I really honestly couldn't believe what I'd managed to do in a month. None of it would have been possible or priority when I was drinking. I didn't change the world or anything, but the sense of satisfaction about re-grouting the bathroom is something I'll never forget!!! You'll crack this.
Hope your first sober Friday is an awesome one.
As to the list of things you want to do, I wrote a list (on here) of all the things I have achieved since staying sober. I posted it on day 30 or so for me, and I really honestly couldn't believe what I'd managed to do in a month. None of it would have been possible or priority when I was drinking. I didn't change the world or anything, but the sense of satisfaction about re-grouting the bathroom is something I'll never forget!!! You'll crack this.
Hope your first sober Friday is an awesome one.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Ca.
Posts: 315
Originally Posted by newwings
kopfan, i really hope you do stick around on here. Your posts are great to read, really, really fantastic. You have a talent, my friend.
Hope your first sober friday is an awesome one.
Hope your first sober friday is an awesome one.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 473
Schadenfreude
I watched them take away the recycling bottles this morning and I felt an inner calmness.
When they come again in two weeks time the boxes will be short of £200 worth of vodka and wine bottles.
Jane came back from her drinking session last night and started ranting at me about how I was spending so much time watching “the sopranos”.
The truth is that she’d had an argument with her daughter.
From what I can make of it my daughter had asked to pop out for five minutes whilst Jane watched her three little kids. Of course my daughter never came back and was hooked up with her on/off boyfriend in his house around the block. So Jane was left holding the baby in one hand and a vodka in the other.
Well you’d be pissed off as well wouldn’t you?
Being shouted at by a drunken spouse is not a particularly edifying spectacle. My fourteen year old son came up the stairs with one of those sighs. “Mom’s been drinking again”.
But it’s not such a big deal. I haven’t told her yet that I’ve given up drinking. What’s the point? I must have told her a thousand times already. Everytime you wake up with a hangover the size of an elephant you swear never to drink again so she’s heard it all before.
In any case I read somewhere that telling people you’ve given up doing something is the first step to failure.
I just took my new Brian Tracey book and went and read downstairs until I was sure she had passed out.
Seven years ago I gave up cigarettes. I fought a losing battle with them for years until I read Allen Carrs easy way to stop smoking and then I understood the problem.
I kept trying to cut back the amount I smoked so that the time between cigarettes became longer and longer. I got it down to a fine art of two or three a day and sometimes I’d go three or four days without one.
All the time I was unnecessarily torturing my mind by denying it what it craved. For years I would smoke a cigarette and then immediately hate myself for doing it and begin the cycle again.
I was making the problem worse by trying to eke out my smoke free time.
When I gave up forever I freed up my mind and the monkey on my back jumped off and ran away. It wasn’t easy and it took a lot of willpower but these days I never think of having a cigarette.
And so now the battle is rejoined with alcohol. Only this time I have summoned extra resources to fight the battle and your encouragement and support is giving me the strength to face down this monster.
I know that in years to come this mental battle with alcohol will be a distant memory.
When I got up this morning I made Jane a cup of tea and as I came up the stairs I could hear her wretching and heaving in the bathroom. Schadenfreude.
Drown not thyself to save a drowning man.
I'm going to cycle home now. I shall pass the Rose and Crown and not give it the time of day. The Three Tuns will not feel my presence today.
Perhaps this Friday evening I won't cycle to the off licence steaming and spectacularly fall off my bike in front of a crowd of bemused onlookers.
Ah those were the days......
I watched them take away the recycling bottles this morning and I felt an inner calmness.
When they come again in two weeks time the boxes will be short of £200 worth of vodka and wine bottles.
Jane came back from her drinking session last night and started ranting at me about how I was spending so much time watching “the sopranos”.
The truth is that she’d had an argument with her daughter.
From what I can make of it my daughter had asked to pop out for five minutes whilst Jane watched her three little kids. Of course my daughter never came back and was hooked up with her on/off boyfriend in his house around the block. So Jane was left holding the baby in one hand and a vodka in the other.
Well you’d be pissed off as well wouldn’t you?
Being shouted at by a drunken spouse is not a particularly edifying spectacle. My fourteen year old son came up the stairs with one of those sighs. “Mom’s been drinking again”.
But it’s not such a big deal. I haven’t told her yet that I’ve given up drinking. What’s the point? I must have told her a thousand times already. Everytime you wake up with a hangover the size of an elephant you swear never to drink again so she’s heard it all before.
In any case I read somewhere that telling people you’ve given up doing something is the first step to failure.
I just took my new Brian Tracey book and went and read downstairs until I was sure she had passed out.
Seven years ago I gave up cigarettes. I fought a losing battle with them for years until I read Allen Carrs easy way to stop smoking and then I understood the problem.
I kept trying to cut back the amount I smoked so that the time between cigarettes became longer and longer. I got it down to a fine art of two or three a day and sometimes I’d go three or four days without one.
All the time I was unnecessarily torturing my mind by denying it what it craved. For years I would smoke a cigarette and then immediately hate myself for doing it and begin the cycle again.
I was making the problem worse by trying to eke out my smoke free time.
When I gave up forever I freed up my mind and the monkey on my back jumped off and ran away. It wasn’t easy and it took a lot of willpower but these days I never think of having a cigarette.
And so now the battle is rejoined with alcohol. Only this time I have summoned extra resources to fight the battle and your encouragement and support is giving me the strength to face down this monster.
I know that in years to come this mental battle with alcohol will be a distant memory.
When I got up this morning I made Jane a cup of tea and as I came up the stairs I could hear her wretching and heaving in the bathroom. Schadenfreude.
Drown not thyself to save a drowning man.
I'm going to cycle home now. I shall pass the Rose and Crown and not give it the time of day. The Three Tuns will not feel my presence today.
Perhaps this Friday evening I won't cycle to the off licence steaming and spectacularly fall off my bike in front of a crowd of bemused onlookers.
Ah those were the days......
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Mt
Posts: 298
Hey Kopfan. I appreciate your posts. I am not yet 2 months sober and I was so "out of It" the first 2 weeks that, I was concerned that I has caused some permanent brain damage!
Your posts are so clear and organized. I am impressed. I was wondering if you are doing any group recovery? I wish you all that you need for a serene recovery. (())s The Lush
Your posts are so clear and organized. I am impressed. I was wondering if you are doing any group recovery? I wish you all that you need for a serene recovery. (())s The Lush
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 227
Originally Posted by kopfan
For the first time the thought that I may never drink again is becoming a release and not the suffocating monster that it has been in the past.
I relate to so many things particularly the usually well stocked recycle bin that will be much lighter next week.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
I really. really. really. enjoy reading your posts.
When I gave up forever I freed up my mind and the monkey on my back jumped off and ran away. It wasn’t easy and it took a lot of willpower but these days I never think of having a cigarette.
And so now the battle is rejoined with alcohol. Only this time I have summoned extra resources to fight the battle and your encouragement and support is giving me the strength to face down this monster.
I know that in years to come this mental battle with alcohol will be a distant memory.
I was just thinking this today. How I obsessed to quit smoking, going in the closet for years, torturing myself with strict little rules and rituals designed to restrict something that CANNOT be restricted.... addiction.
And it crossed my mind that I don't remember my quit smoking anniversaries anymore, because I don't think about them, because I don't think about smoking, because I don't smoke. I do think about what made me smoke, and addressing that helped lead me to see the demon alcohol for who it is inside me. And someday I will look at a beer in the same way- as something I don't relate to; something I don't do. But I will cultivate honor and value the freedom that I will have attained with sobriety. We're ahead of ourselves, though, because today is about today. keep posting.
When I gave up forever I freed up my mind and the monkey on my back jumped off and ran away. It wasn’t easy and it took a lot of willpower but these days I never think of having a cigarette.
And so now the battle is rejoined with alcohol. Only this time I have summoned extra resources to fight the battle and your encouragement and support is giving me the strength to face down this monster.
I know that in years to come this mental battle with alcohol will be a distant memory.
I was just thinking this today. How I obsessed to quit smoking, going in the closet for years, torturing myself with strict little rules and rituals designed to restrict something that CANNOT be restricted.... addiction.
And it crossed my mind that I don't remember my quit smoking anniversaries anymore, because I don't think about them, because I don't think about smoking, because I don't smoke. I do think about what made me smoke, and addressing that helped lead me to see the demon alcohol for who it is inside me. And someday I will look at a beer in the same way- as something I don't relate to; something I don't do. But I will cultivate honor and value the freedom that I will have attained with sobriety. We're ahead of ourselves, though, because today is about today.
keep posting.
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