Finally accepted I am an alcoholic.
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Originally Posted by lushly 
. I was wondering if you are doing any group recovery? I wish you all that you need for a serene recovery. (())s The Lush
I'm so glad for soberrecovery.com for if it wasn't here what would we do?
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Originally Posted by CeeFarro
You have no idea how much I enjoyed reading that post! You have just helped keep me
sober another day with your honesty..Thank You
sober another day with your honesty..Thank You
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Originally Posted by newwings
kopfan, I really hope you do stick around on here. Your posts are great to read, really, really fantastic. You have a talent, my friend.
Hope your first sober Friday is an awesome one.
Hope your first sober Friday is an awesome one.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 473
Originally Posted by ETA
Isn't that amazing? I just got there a few days ago. I have said over and over (for years and years) that I want to be able to control my drinking so the I will never have to quit completely.
I relate to so many things particularly the usually well stocked recycle bin that will be much lighter next week.
I relate to so many things particularly the usually well stocked recycle bin that will be much lighter next week.
Good job ETA and thank you so much to everyone who has encouraged and supported not just me but everyone else here as well.
Fantastic job everyone!
Last edited by kopfan; 06-24-2011 at 11:09 PM. Reason: fixed quote tag
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Posts: 473
Guinness
It's Saturday,
Here's the plan Stan:
The hangover will start wearing off about 11 o clock. When I'm ready I'll check my computer and see how much I've lost playing poker.
Over the years I've started banning myself from poker rooms and casinos and setting deposit limits of £10 per week everywhere I open an account. The problem is as fast as I close an account or set a deposit limit a new casino or poker room opens. When you are drunk you just keep doing the same thing over and over without thinking.
I love playing poker and I'm pretty good at it. The trouble is once you start playing and start winning life is good. Then after a bottle of wine or so you start making bad decisions. After two bottles you make awful decisions and you are always chasing your losses. I could buy a nice 50k car with the money I've lost playing drunk poker and gambling in online casinos over the last six or seven years.
Why are we always skint? That's why my love, I just never told you about my problem. We just had a lot of bills that were always bigger than everyone elses.
It's going to be a nice day here in the UK so I'm probably going to do some work on the garden and when I've finished I'll need some refreshment and what better than a drop of the black stuff. A nice cool Guinness.
Guinness is my favourite drink for drinking after a heavy session the night before because it goes down so well and it doesn't seem to make me inebriated so quickly. Perfect for taking the edge off and doing a bit of pottering in the sun.
The problem with Guinness is that it doesn't make me inebriated so quickly and so after a couple of pints it needs a bit more bite to up the ante.
That's when I started buying a small bottle of vodka and hiding it in the cupboard. Every time I went into the kitchen to get another "guinness" I'd emerge with a pint of the stuff and a triple vodka buried inside it. To friends and family in the garden I was just drinking guinness.
But I was doing something else. And those small bottles seemed to get bigger every year.
The reality is that it's day 7. I got up at 6 am. I had my first good nights sleep in years and when I checked my bank account I've actually got a balance. It's going to be sunny here but there will be no guinness, no vodka and all the gambling software has been erased from my laptop.
Here's to another alcohol free day.
Peace and sobriety to all.
It's Saturday,
Here's the plan Stan:
The hangover will start wearing off about 11 o clock. When I'm ready I'll check my computer and see how much I've lost playing poker.
Over the years I've started banning myself from poker rooms and casinos and setting deposit limits of £10 per week everywhere I open an account. The problem is as fast as I close an account or set a deposit limit a new casino or poker room opens. When you are drunk you just keep doing the same thing over and over without thinking.
I love playing poker and I'm pretty good at it. The trouble is once you start playing and start winning life is good. Then after a bottle of wine or so you start making bad decisions. After two bottles you make awful decisions and you are always chasing your losses. I could buy a nice 50k car with the money I've lost playing drunk poker and gambling in online casinos over the last six or seven years.
Why are we always skint? That's why my love, I just never told you about my problem. We just had a lot of bills that were always bigger than everyone elses.
It's going to be a nice day here in the UK so I'm probably going to do some work on the garden and when I've finished I'll need some refreshment and what better than a drop of the black stuff. A nice cool Guinness.
Guinness is my favourite drink for drinking after a heavy session the night before because it goes down so well and it doesn't seem to make me inebriated so quickly. Perfect for taking the edge off and doing a bit of pottering in the sun.
The problem with Guinness is that it doesn't make me inebriated so quickly and so after a couple of pints it needs a bit more bite to up the ante.
That's when I started buying a small bottle of vodka and hiding it in the cupboard. Every time I went into the kitchen to get another "guinness" I'd emerge with a pint of the stuff and a triple vodka buried inside it. To friends and family in the garden I was just drinking guinness.
But I was doing something else. And those small bottles seemed to get bigger every year.
The reality is that it's day 7. I got up at 6 am. I had my first good nights sleep in years and when I checked my bank account I've actually got a balance. It's going to be sunny here but there will be no guinness, no vodka and all the gambling software has been erased from my laptop.
Here's to another alcohol free day.
Peace and sobriety to all.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Most Isolated City in the World
Posts: 108
You have found your calling kopfan you are a fantastic writer. I can relate to your messages so well. Thank you for your posts I will be keeping an eye out for them. This is my first day sober.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 473
The leaking stop tap.
I was mending the boys' bike punctures and giving them a mild dissertation on the pros and cons of doing "skiddies" (yes New Dad is spending time with his family) when Jane came wandering up to the table with a well-known friend.
I'd known her for a long, long time and we'd been carrying on a love affair for what seemed eternity. Her complexion was a beautiful honey colour and her taste was so alluring. The way her tiny bubbles danced to the top of the glass had me enthralled.
I hesitated momentarily and went back to the bike fixing.
If there are moments when your sobriety is tested then this was one. I could easily saunter to the fridge; take out the other can that Jane had brought back from her Thursday night binge and sit down at the table chatting away as if it was the most normal thing in the world. No one would know my of my struggle and everything would revert to "normality".
A week ago on Friday I had managed five sober days when that gollum voice reared its ugly head.
"We's worked hard this week, we wants it. We deserves it. We wants our drinksiessss. It's our reward and we wants it".
"Drinksies, Drinksies, we wants our Drinksies"
The voice grew louder and my will grew weaker and as the shriek came to a crescendo and my will melted away I handed over the precious, my sobriety, to gollum in the blink of an eye.
But this time there is no voice. This time gollum is nowhere to be found. I have succeeded in throwing him off the mountain top and his voice cannot be heard.
By joining this forum, sharing my thoughts and being amongst people who I am sure to call good friends in the future I have rid myself of the voice.
Without this forum I would no doubt this morning be nursing a hangover and starting back on day one. Knowing that there are so many other people fighting this fight has given me strength to strangle the voice and for the moment I can't hear him. He may climb and struggle back up to the mountain top but I will stamp on his fingers hard until he releases and plunges back into the darkness. He will reappear again. I have no doubt of that. And we will join battle once more.
As Jane became progressively drunker, by the evening as the vodka started to take effect she became mildly abusive calling me an "old fart", "granddad", "boring" and so on. I realised with sadness that she was losing her drinking partner of seventeen years and that it was going to be a painful loss for her.
But it was me that had led her down the path to the lion’s den of alcoholism. She sometimes leading, sometimes lagging behind. When I met her she just did the Saturday night clubbing thing. Now she is an alcoholic, she just doesn't know it yet. Our relationship is being tested.
I didn't want a drink. That was a wonder in itself and it partly stemmed from the leaking stop tap.
It had started leaking back in January. Just a slow drip three times a second. It was seeping into the concrete in the back room with the freezer and drier where all the old shoes get thrown and spiders rule the world.
We had discussed getting a plumber but it had been left as we guessed the price was about ten bottles of vodka and the leak had progressively got worse.
I fixed all the dining chairs on Friday and yesterday after my post to SR I begun doing odd jobs like a handyman on speed. I cycled to the local village to get some glue and batteries for the scales. I cycled up to Tesco’s to get the bike repair patches. I did some more odd jobs here and there and resolved to fix the leaking stop tap.
If there's one handyman job I hate more than any other it's plumbing. Visions of water gushing everywhere and leaking taps, pipes and other unpleasantness.
I cleared out the back room. Took a walk around the street outside to find out where the water inspection covers were and fetched my toolbox from the shed which has been sadly neglected and depleted by the den building that boys do.
A quick visit to a handyman website and I knew my way around the stop tap, collars and all and I wondered if I could isolate the water supply by fitting a self-tapping "thingy" instead of clearing out the ant infested inspection cover.
The first recommendation from the handyman website was to try and tighten the nut. So I grabbed my self-adjusting spanner and gave it a small turn. You don't want to overdo these things because they can shear off... let's not go there.
The leak stopped.
I sat there in a stupefied silence for a full five minutes staring at it. Yep it had stopped. Nothing, no leak.
That was when I was hit with a thunderbolt of clarity.
Not only does drinking make you drunk it also slows you down mentally for days afterwards. It makes you lethargic and gives you reasons not to do things. I had fixed the leaking stop tap that we kept discussing every time we had a drink.
"That leak is getting worse"
"Yes, we must get that fixed before it gets really bad".
"But a plumbers going to be really expensive what are we going to do?"
"Hmmm"
"Another drink?"
I made a few noises with my spanner and banged it against the pipes a couple of times. I couldn't just come out and announce I'd fixed it in such a short time. How humiliating.
I went backwards and forwards to the shed a couple of times coming back with different tools and my hot gun to make out there was some serious work going on here. I cleared up the whole room and took the shoe boxes out for good measure and sorted out all the old shoes. A couple of hours later I emerged and put my tools away.
It's frightening that I have lived under the cloud of alcoholism for so long and managed to achieve anything at all. It's a wonder my business is still there and my family still intact.
Clarity is returning. The insanity is receding. Every day I wake up sober I'm thankful for SR.
Day 8 is beautifully sunny but there will be no eight pack of cider today, no drunken garden shouting. I'm off to make Jane a cup of tea and listen to her tell me how bad her head hurts.
New Dad is here to stay.
Peace and sobriety to all.
I was mending the boys' bike punctures and giving them a mild dissertation on the pros and cons of doing "skiddies" (yes New Dad is spending time with his family) when Jane came wandering up to the table with a well-known friend.
I'd known her for a long, long time and we'd been carrying on a love affair for what seemed eternity. Her complexion was a beautiful honey colour and her taste was so alluring. The way her tiny bubbles danced to the top of the glass had me enthralled.
I hesitated momentarily and went back to the bike fixing.
If there are moments when your sobriety is tested then this was one. I could easily saunter to the fridge; take out the other can that Jane had brought back from her Thursday night binge and sit down at the table chatting away as if it was the most normal thing in the world. No one would know my of my struggle and everything would revert to "normality".
A week ago on Friday I had managed five sober days when that gollum voice reared its ugly head.
"We's worked hard this week, we wants it. We deserves it. We wants our drinksiessss. It's our reward and we wants it".
"Drinksies, Drinksies, we wants our Drinksies"
The voice grew louder and my will grew weaker and as the shriek came to a crescendo and my will melted away I handed over the precious, my sobriety, to gollum in the blink of an eye.
But this time there is no voice. This time gollum is nowhere to be found. I have succeeded in throwing him off the mountain top and his voice cannot be heard.
By joining this forum, sharing my thoughts and being amongst people who I am sure to call good friends in the future I have rid myself of the voice.
Without this forum I would no doubt this morning be nursing a hangover and starting back on day one. Knowing that there are so many other people fighting this fight has given me strength to strangle the voice and for the moment I can't hear him. He may climb and struggle back up to the mountain top but I will stamp on his fingers hard until he releases and plunges back into the darkness. He will reappear again. I have no doubt of that. And we will join battle once more.
As Jane became progressively drunker, by the evening as the vodka started to take effect she became mildly abusive calling me an "old fart", "granddad", "boring" and so on. I realised with sadness that she was losing her drinking partner of seventeen years and that it was going to be a painful loss for her.
But it was me that had led her down the path to the lion’s den of alcoholism. She sometimes leading, sometimes lagging behind. When I met her she just did the Saturday night clubbing thing. Now she is an alcoholic, she just doesn't know it yet. Our relationship is being tested.
I didn't want a drink. That was a wonder in itself and it partly stemmed from the leaking stop tap.
It had started leaking back in January. Just a slow drip three times a second. It was seeping into the concrete in the back room with the freezer and drier where all the old shoes get thrown and spiders rule the world.
We had discussed getting a plumber but it had been left as we guessed the price was about ten bottles of vodka and the leak had progressively got worse.
I fixed all the dining chairs on Friday and yesterday after my post to SR I begun doing odd jobs like a handyman on speed. I cycled to the local village to get some glue and batteries for the scales. I cycled up to Tesco’s to get the bike repair patches. I did some more odd jobs here and there and resolved to fix the leaking stop tap.
If there's one handyman job I hate more than any other it's plumbing. Visions of water gushing everywhere and leaking taps, pipes and other unpleasantness.
I cleared out the back room. Took a walk around the street outside to find out where the water inspection covers were and fetched my toolbox from the shed which has been sadly neglected and depleted by the den building that boys do.
A quick visit to a handyman website and I knew my way around the stop tap, collars and all and I wondered if I could isolate the water supply by fitting a self-tapping "thingy" instead of clearing out the ant infested inspection cover.
The first recommendation from the handyman website was to try and tighten the nut. So I grabbed my self-adjusting spanner and gave it a small turn. You don't want to overdo these things because they can shear off... let's not go there.
The leak stopped.
I sat there in a stupefied silence for a full five minutes staring at it. Yep it had stopped. Nothing, no leak.
That was when I was hit with a thunderbolt of clarity.
Not only does drinking make you drunk it also slows you down mentally for days afterwards. It makes you lethargic and gives you reasons not to do things. I had fixed the leaking stop tap that we kept discussing every time we had a drink.
"That leak is getting worse"
"Yes, we must get that fixed before it gets really bad".
"But a plumbers going to be really expensive what are we going to do?"
"Hmmm"
"Another drink?"
I made a few noises with my spanner and banged it against the pipes a couple of times. I couldn't just come out and announce I'd fixed it in such a short time. How humiliating.
I went backwards and forwards to the shed a couple of times coming back with different tools and my hot gun to make out there was some serious work going on here. I cleared up the whole room and took the shoe boxes out for good measure and sorted out all the old shoes. A couple of hours later I emerged and put my tools away.
It's frightening that I have lived under the cloud of alcoholism for so long and managed to achieve anything at all. It's a wonder my business is still there and my family still intact.
Clarity is returning. The insanity is receding. Every day I wake up sober I'm thankful for SR.
Day 8 is beautifully sunny but there will be no eight pack of cider today, no drunken garden shouting. I'm off to make Jane a cup of tea and listen to her tell me how bad her head hurts.
New Dad is here to stay.
Peace and sobriety to all.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Kent, UK
Posts: 351
Hi kopfan,
Blimey mate, superb posts. You have truly inspired me. I too was watching McEnroe last week and I thought exactly the same as you. He is also an inspiration. I believe he does not drink. Your eloquence is incredible, such clarity and you are putting into words ideas that many of us have but are unable to express so well. Do keep it up for you and us.
I love the Gollum reference. I am going to use that today. I am Day 2 sober. I have been sober before, the longest being 11 1/2 months. It was an amazing time but then one day I convinced myself that I could control it. Ha, what a joke!!! One day at a time is key. My head is already racing into the future but after reading your posts and those of the others, I am reminded that it is today that matters, not the past or the future. The future will take care of itself if I let my higher power take care of me. So, today, that is what I will do.
Many thanks kopfan,
Chimp!
Blimey mate, superb posts. You have truly inspired me. I too was watching McEnroe last week and I thought exactly the same as you. He is also an inspiration. I believe he does not drink. Your eloquence is incredible, such clarity and you are putting into words ideas that many of us have but are unable to express so well. Do keep it up for you and us.
I love the Gollum reference. I am going to use that today. I am Day 2 sober. I have been sober before, the longest being 11 1/2 months. It was an amazing time but then one day I convinced myself that I could control it. Ha, what a joke!!! One day at a time is key. My head is already racing into the future but after reading your posts and those of the others, I am reminded that it is today that matters, not the past or the future. The future will take care of itself if I let my higher power take care of me. So, today, that is what I will do.
Many thanks kopfan,
Chimp!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 473
The Three Bells
It's an absolutely gorgeous day here in the UK. Beautiful sunshine and not a cloud in the sky. Today is a Three Bells day.
I'm going to finish work early today and get home for midday. Then I'll ask Jane if she wants to come out for something to eat.
She will then do the usual thing of "It's going to take me ages to get ready", "I've got nothing to wear" thing and then top it off with "what about the kids" before going and getting changed and within fifteen minutes we'll be in a taxi on our way to the Three Bells.
The Three Bells is one of those traditional UK Pubs that has a strong sports theme running through it. They have a very strong pool team, a good football team and a mean ladies darts team. There are display cabinets everywhere with all of the trophies the pub has won over the years and there are a lot of them. It's a big pub and they are thriving in very tough times because of the effort they out into making sports fans welcome. There are screens everywhere and it's a perfect place to go for sports junkies like me.
During the week it's pretty quiet during the day and this would be a perfect time to go and sit in the beer garden and watch the world go by.
I ask Jane what she wants.
"Half a lager"
I have a pint of Stella. It looks beautiful as it gets placed on the counter with the froth gently running down the side of the glass.
I ask Jane what she wants to eat.
"We'll eat in a bit".
Which in Jane speak means that we haven't come out to eat at all. She knew that and I knew that and here we are drinking at lunchtime sitting in the beer garden early on a Monday afternoon.
She also knows that Andy Murray is playing tennis this afternoon and she always knows that watching some sort of sport is on the agenda if we are going to the Three Bells. I am fooling myself if I think I can put this one past her but I try anyway.
"Oh I think the tennis is on this afternoon"
And so we will sit and watch the tennis and drink some more and phone son number two to make sure he is home to let the kids in from school.
Hour will blend into hour. The tennis will finish and we will move to another pub just down the road where we can sit in the darkness inside and drink together whilst time stands still.
Then early evening we will be back in the taxi with a short stop at the off licence on the way home to get more refreshments and continue our intoxicated indulgence.
4:8 And Jesus answered and said unto him, Get thee behind me, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve.
There will be no Three Bells today. no Pints of Stella.
My sobriety can not be bought that cheaply.
Peace and sobriety to all.
It's an absolutely gorgeous day here in the UK. Beautiful sunshine and not a cloud in the sky. Today is a Three Bells day.
I'm going to finish work early today and get home for midday. Then I'll ask Jane if she wants to come out for something to eat.
She will then do the usual thing of "It's going to take me ages to get ready", "I've got nothing to wear" thing and then top it off with "what about the kids" before going and getting changed and within fifteen minutes we'll be in a taxi on our way to the Three Bells.
The Three Bells is one of those traditional UK Pubs that has a strong sports theme running through it. They have a very strong pool team, a good football team and a mean ladies darts team. There are display cabinets everywhere with all of the trophies the pub has won over the years and there are a lot of them. It's a big pub and they are thriving in very tough times because of the effort they out into making sports fans welcome. There are screens everywhere and it's a perfect place to go for sports junkies like me.
During the week it's pretty quiet during the day and this would be a perfect time to go and sit in the beer garden and watch the world go by.
I ask Jane what she wants.
"Half a lager"
I have a pint of Stella. It looks beautiful as it gets placed on the counter with the froth gently running down the side of the glass.
I ask Jane what she wants to eat.
"We'll eat in a bit".
Which in Jane speak means that we haven't come out to eat at all. She knew that and I knew that and here we are drinking at lunchtime sitting in the beer garden early on a Monday afternoon.
She also knows that Andy Murray is playing tennis this afternoon and she always knows that watching some sort of sport is on the agenda if we are going to the Three Bells. I am fooling myself if I think I can put this one past her but I try anyway.
"Oh I think the tennis is on this afternoon"
And so we will sit and watch the tennis and drink some more and phone son number two to make sure he is home to let the kids in from school.
Hour will blend into hour. The tennis will finish and we will move to another pub just down the road where we can sit in the darkness inside and drink together whilst time stands still.
Then early evening we will be back in the taxi with a short stop at the off licence on the way home to get more refreshments and continue our intoxicated indulgence.
4:8 And Jesus answered and said unto him, Get thee behind me, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve.
There will be no Three Bells today. no Pints of Stella.
My sobriety can not be bought that cheaply.
Peace and sobriety to all.
Last edited by kopfan; 06-27-2011 at 03:26 AM. Reason: fixed typo
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
somedays gollum can appear ......I later discovered....... as young and beautiful, somedays smart, clever and flattering, at times tantalisingly energising and somedays time did stand still. I woke up falling, cold and bruised. I have fallen many times.
These days we share are precious, unlike the shame or my empties they cannot be recycled. i treasure them- I pray they are not taken away.
These days we share are precious, unlike the shame or my empties they cannot be recycled. i treasure them- I pray they are not taken away.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 473
Scrumpy Jack
After considering a visit to the Three Bells and dismissing the idea the instant it appeared in my head I was feeling very good about myself and I arrived home about 4 in the afternoon.
Normally I would just lounge around until dinner or open a nice bottle of chardonnay but New Dad is doing many odd jobs and I started tidying up the garden.
Jane was sitting at the table looking miserable.
I knew this hang dog look. It said "I'm bored, I want to start drinking".
Mow, mow ,mow. Sweep, sweep, sweep.
Gollum appeared out of nowhere and started talking to me in that pitiful pleading way of his.
"Come on my love, It's just one drink. One drink isn't going to hurt is it."
"You're hot and thirsty. It's warm. Just one little drinksiees".
"Scrumpy jack. Now that would be nice. Ask Jane over there. She'll get you one. Look at her looking so unhappy. Have a drink with her and cheer her up".
"Scrumpy jack, scrumpy jack, scrumpy jack, scrumpy jack, SCRUMPY JACK". The voice started shouting at me.
Jane got up from the table as I was brushing around her feet.
"Do you want anything from the shop?" She said.
On the outside I was calm and composed. But on the inside I was fighting a raging war with myself.
"No thanks" I said. And she wandered off down the path.
I stood there in complete inner turmoil. I almost called her back. I thought of my nine days sober. My posts on SR. How would I explain it? How could I face myself in the morning?
I watched her walk away and just stood there perplexed.
Gollum was quiet now, looking at me with those greedy, needy eyes. He knew what he had done and I had so nearly listened to him.
"Be gone" I said, and he scrambled away over the rocks into hiding.
Jane came back from the shop with a couple of lagers and a bottle of wine. We sat at the table and chatted. I didn't feel like drinking at all.
The moment had passed. The mist had cleared.
We talked away and after she asked me again why I wasn't drinking I knew the time was right to tell her of my decision.
But not just yet.
I made a lovely dinner for us both and she put the bottle away. Jane isn't one for drinking on her lonesome. Not like me. I can make an evenings entertainment for myself quite easily with a bottle of smirnoff and the Sopranos box set. In fact I could watch series one over and over because I could never remember what happened from the last time I watched it. Now there's a good joke.
We went to bed and made love. I can't remember the last time we had sober sex.
As we lay there in the soft moonlight I told Jane that I wanted to stop drinking. That I didn't want her to ask me again if I wanted "anything from the shop". Or question why I wasn't drinking.
I told her that falling down the stairs and crashing through the patio doors or staggering home, falling prostrate and being laughed at by passers by was no longer something that I wanted in my life and she reluctantly accepted.
So here we are. Day 10 by the skin of my teeth.
I was up at 5 this morning. My sleep patterns are nowhere near normal but this morning I am sober and I am thankful for that.
Now where's Gollum? I have some reprisals to dish out.
Keep fighting the fight.
Peace and sobriety to all.
After considering a visit to the Three Bells and dismissing the idea the instant it appeared in my head I was feeling very good about myself and I arrived home about 4 in the afternoon.
Normally I would just lounge around until dinner or open a nice bottle of chardonnay but New Dad is doing many odd jobs and I started tidying up the garden.
Jane was sitting at the table looking miserable.
I knew this hang dog look. It said "I'm bored, I want to start drinking".
Mow, mow ,mow. Sweep, sweep, sweep.
Gollum appeared out of nowhere and started talking to me in that pitiful pleading way of his.
"Come on my love, It's just one drink. One drink isn't going to hurt is it."
"You're hot and thirsty. It's warm. Just one little drinksiees".
"Scrumpy jack. Now that would be nice. Ask Jane over there. She'll get you one. Look at her looking so unhappy. Have a drink with her and cheer her up".
"Scrumpy jack, scrumpy jack, scrumpy jack, scrumpy jack, SCRUMPY JACK". The voice started shouting at me.
Jane got up from the table as I was brushing around her feet.
"Do you want anything from the shop?" She said.
On the outside I was calm and composed. But on the inside I was fighting a raging war with myself.
"No thanks" I said. And she wandered off down the path.
I stood there in complete inner turmoil. I almost called her back. I thought of my nine days sober. My posts on SR. How would I explain it? How could I face myself in the morning?
I watched her walk away and just stood there perplexed.
Gollum was quiet now, looking at me with those greedy, needy eyes. He knew what he had done and I had so nearly listened to him.
"Be gone" I said, and he scrambled away over the rocks into hiding.
Jane came back from the shop with a couple of lagers and a bottle of wine. We sat at the table and chatted. I didn't feel like drinking at all.
The moment had passed. The mist had cleared.
We talked away and after she asked me again why I wasn't drinking I knew the time was right to tell her of my decision.
But not just yet.
I made a lovely dinner for us both and she put the bottle away. Jane isn't one for drinking on her lonesome. Not like me. I can make an evenings entertainment for myself quite easily with a bottle of smirnoff and the Sopranos box set. In fact I could watch series one over and over because I could never remember what happened from the last time I watched it. Now there's a good joke.
We went to bed and made love. I can't remember the last time we had sober sex.
As we lay there in the soft moonlight I told Jane that I wanted to stop drinking. That I didn't want her to ask me again if I wanted "anything from the shop". Or question why I wasn't drinking.
I told her that falling down the stairs and crashing through the patio doors or staggering home, falling prostrate and being laughed at by passers by was no longer something that I wanted in my life and she reluctantly accepted.
So here we are. Day 10 by the skin of my teeth.
I was up at 5 this morning. My sleep patterns are nowhere near normal but this morning I am sober and I am thankful for that.
Now where's Gollum? I have some reprisals to dish out.
Keep fighting the fight.
Peace and sobriety to all.
Last edited by Dee74; 06-28-2011 at 01:01 AM. Reason: edit
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Kent, UK
Posts: 351
Kopfan,
A super post. I too made love last night, very late and very sober. After, words weren't needed. We just fell asleep in each other's arms. Mine too was a disrupted night. Right, I am off to give the over half a cup of tea in bed.
Thank you kopfan for your writing, you are blessed.
Chimp!
A super post. I too made love last night, very late and very sober. After, words weren't needed. We just fell asleep in each other's arms. Mine too was a disrupted night. Right, I am off to give the over half a cup of tea in bed.
Thank you kopfan for your writing, you are blessed.
Chimp!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 473
Originally Posted by Chimp
Kopfan,
A super post. I too made love last night, very late and very sober. After, words weren't needed. We just fell asleep in each other's arms. Mine too was a disrupted night. Right, I am off to give the over half a cup of tea in bed.
Thank you kopfan for your writing, you are blessed.
Chimp!
A super post. I too made love last night, very late and very sober. After, words weren't needed. We just fell asleep in each other's arms. Mine too was a disrupted night. Right, I am off to give the over half a cup of tea in bed.
Thank you kopfan for your writing, you are blessed.
Chimp!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 473
Welcome to your life.
Slept soundly all night without waking up once. What a contrast to those early days of insomnia. Woke up a minute before my alarm goes off at 6am and turned it off before it had a chance to to chime. That was a good feeling.
I'm happier than I have ever been in years. At least I think I am. I may have been happier at some point in the last fifteen years but I certainly don't remember it. Ha!
Instead of watching the boring old news like I normally do every morning whilst getting ready for work I watched the Coldplay Glastonbury highlights and found myself singing along.
Me! Sing in the morning!!!! You gotta be kidding me.
Jane was drinking again last night but I had no urge to join her. I listened to her talk but after a while she kept repeating herself and I thought how silly we must have sounded together!
I'm pedalling harder, faster in higher gears. The fat is starting to melt away. Everything feels like it is going in the right direction.
Only a drink can mess this up.
This is my last post to this thread. After 11 days I've exorcised my demons and I need to move on.
I'm in the June class so I'll be checking in there.
Thanks to everyone who contributed. What a wonderful place SR is.
Peace and sobriety to all.
Slept soundly all night without waking up once. What a contrast to those early days of insomnia. Woke up a minute before my alarm goes off at 6am and turned it off before it had a chance to to chime. That was a good feeling.
I'm happier than I have ever been in years. At least I think I am. I may have been happier at some point in the last fifteen years but I certainly don't remember it. Ha!
Instead of watching the boring old news like I normally do every morning whilst getting ready for work I watched the Coldplay Glastonbury highlights and found myself singing along.
Me! Sing in the morning!!!! You gotta be kidding me.
Jane was drinking again last night but I had no urge to join her. I listened to her talk but after a while she kept repeating herself and I thought how silly we must have sounded together!
I'm pedalling harder, faster in higher gears. The fat is starting to melt away. Everything feels like it is going in the right direction.
Only a drink can mess this up.
This is my last post to this thread. After 11 days I've exorcised my demons and I need to move on.
I'm in the June class so I'll be checking in there.
Thanks to everyone who contributed. What a wonderful place SR is.
Peace and sobriety to all.
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