Finally accepted I am an alcoholic.
 

I've been lurking here for months and today I made the decision to join. I'm accepting I am an alcoholic.

Day four without a drink.

Slept for a few hours last night and when the alarm went off at six I could hardly open my eyes. I feel really tired. But I’m sober and I feel good for that.

I now know what I must do and I must summon every single fibre of willpower and bend it to my will.

All my thoughts seem to be of alcohol and my next drink.

I don’t “want” a drink. But my mind keeps playing tricks on me. Why is it doing this?

I cycled into work this morning and I powered up the steep hill and felt really good. On the way up I passed one of my sons friends walking to work and so of course I put in extra effort to make it look casual. By the time I reached the top I was gasping for air, but I was gasping and I felt alive. I felt good.

Monday night I saw John McEnroe discussing Andy Murray and I marvelled at how well McEnroe looked. He’s still got an athletic body and his face looks so fresh. He obviously looks after himself very well. This is how I want to look.

I bet McEnroe doesn’t drink himself into oblivion every couple of days. I bet he doesn’t even touch the stuff. Maybe I’ll ask him.

The decision has been made. I’m an alcoholic and I can’t drink again. I’ve known it for quite a while now but I’ve been deluding myself that I have it under control.

I’ve lost thousands over the years playing online poker when I’ve been pissed up. I won a tournament once when I was completely out of it but the $1200 winnings were soon given back.

A couple of weeks ago I lost about £600 in an online casino whilst in a blackout. Financially drink is starving me of any small successes I make in my work. It’s one step forward and two back.

To look into your bank account and hate yourself because it’s empty then realise you donked it all away the night before. How can you not have a problem?

But in my mind it’s such a wrench. All the great times I’ve had in the pub over the years. What will I do at the parties? What will I do at weekends?

What will I do when the football is on TV and my mates come around to watch Liverpool.

What will I do on Friday night? Every Friday for twenty nine years I’ve been out of it by the end of the night. Last week I managed to get through the week without a drink until Friday and then gave in.

How will this Friday be any different? What can I do to change the pattern?

What can I do to change my life?

I’m fed up of wearing baggy jogging trousers and XL T shirts. I can’t get into 90% of my clothes.

I want to get skinny again and I’m tired of being tired. I looked into my eyes this morning and the whites are off white. They are tired. God knows what my liver must be like. I’ve been drinking since I was 18 so it must be pickled.

I must start writing a new chapter in my life and become the person I want to be. If it means never touching a drink again then I have to be prepared to pay that price.

Welcome Kopfan

You have made a good assessment of your situation

But my mind keeps playing tricks on me. Why is it doing this?

Because you are addicted to alcohol and you are not feeding the addiction - it will drive you to distraction. Even if you have a mild physical withdrawal there will be a lot of mental activity. It will get easier but does not disappear- it's the nature of the problem. I found doing the short course at "Rational Recovery" (free) on AVRT (addictive voice recognition training) extremely useful ( if you avoid all the anti AA stuff).

With all the other stuff take it step by step , day by day-

Keep posting

Congratulations on Day 4 Kopfan. Stick around here for a while--you will get some great responses to your post. You can get past this--hard to see from where you are right now, I'm sure. It's a great life, and you deserve it, too. You are well on your way, knowing so clearly what you want and what's stopping you from getting there.

You are not alone.

Kopfan.. I love ur 4 days..congrats...

One of the biggest things I learnt.. and am still working on..is dont project...Its fatal for me..to stress on tomorrow...live in today.. tomorrow is a sleep away...

Past stuff I can tuck away and deal with later... but dwelling on the future just keeps me drunk...

I just be the best I can be now..

Enjoyed your post...well written and moving.

I think you need to take a break from the mates and the regular routine for a while. You need to take it one day at a time and find other, healthier things to keep you active. Getting skinny is a good one - lots of rewards there for you. I recently lost 20 pounds or so by following a diet from Tim Ferris' book - The Four Hour Body.

You could check out a couple of AA meetings to see if it is your cup of tea - lots of people find the support that they need there.

Keep posting...you've got me interested in your recovery. You seem like a good person that deserves to get better and I like to see you do it.

Welcome to SR

Welcome, Kopfan. It's great that you found this, it has been a saving grace for me for the past 17 days.

I agree with the other posters. Saying "I can never drink again" is a verrry overwhelming thing to say to yourself. Accepting that you have a problem/are an alcoholic is a big step. I tried many times before to quit and the times when I obsessing about the finality of it all - the "what ifs" and "how will I's" - I became so overwhelmed.

Reading lots of posts here gives me alot of tools to stash away. One of my favorites is "I will not drink today". And every day that you say that, you have the next morning of waking up and feeling a little clearer, a little healthier, rested, and looking better. Every day that you have those rewards you feel more benefits of not drinking! I have a looooong way to go but these are things that have helped me get through each day of being awake. Getting through this, one day at a time, breaks up the challenge and each day is a new reward instead of planning on how to deal with the rest of my life.

Just some 2 cents from a newbie. Stick around - there is so much support and great advice from everyone.

Welcome Kopfan. You need to take a spiritual vacation and get back to where you need to be in your own heart. And if you've never been there -find it.
Especially now since you've finally 'accepted' your disease. Take it one day at a time and each day change something up. Change your thinking about how you feel about alcohol will help -don't let it sit in your mind like a weight and make you a puppet.
Wishing you peace and strength.

Kopfan,
There are many recovery programs available -- AA, SMART, LifeRing, Rational Recovery. I think face to face support is essential. The SR Forums are great and are available 24/7and there is something about a smile, a hug and an understanding look that is priceless.

I learned that alcoholism is about more than just not drinking. Not drinking deals with the physical aspect of the illness. I needed to deal with those pesky mental obsessions and the emotional fallout from my illness too.

I attend AA and it has given me a new life and a way of living. The fellowship is great. As a result of working the twelve steps, the mental obsessions around alcohol and drinking that I had been plagued with are gone. I don't want to drink anymore.

I would encourage you to check out some AA meetings. They are widely available in just about every community. Now about those extra twenty pounds (sigh) ... you may find that you lose some weight by not drinking. If not, you know what to do.
Susan

Welcome...:wavey:

thanks for joining the posting side of SR....:yup:

Hey - I am a Kopfan - in Liverpool and on day 4 !

snap!

kopfan,
well said. i can completely relate to what youre saying. it has to be a brand new chapter. something weve never written before. i have to convince myself that it will be the best one yet.

Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate with everything you said, it's nice to know I'm not alone..I am on day 2 and feeling pretty hopeful. When I start thinking that I will miss out on good times I realize that the good times have long been gone and I was kidding myself..There haven't been good times in quite awhile...years as a matter of fact. Knowing that all I have to do is get through today has been comforting. Congratulations on 4 days and getting your bike up that hill!

Welcome!

Love the McEnroe reference, since I quit drinking one of my new passions is tennis. It's so much better for me.

So what's your plan to stay sober? Many of have found that will power alone doesn't work. Other behavioral changes involving how we act and react to the world are often necessary. AA can help with that.

good luck kopfan. 4 days is awesome. Keep putting hours together and they bundle into 24s. Relax and be kind to yourself.:c011:

Welcome to powerlessness. When I say I am powerless over alcohol, it does not mean alcohol jumps out and bites me like a snake. It means that I am powerless over that part of my brain that wants to drink, in spite of my best efforts to control those thoughts.

In my case, time spent "not drinkin" did not help the situation. I was still obsessing about drinkin at 120 days dry. I had to experience a "release" from the obsession before sobriety was worth having.

Moksha - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Isn't there a point in recovery where a person is no longer an alcoholic?

Just curious, because I heard the AA teaches that you can never be free...all you can ever hope to accomplish is managing the addiction.

Is this commonly accepted thought?

1. Once a pickle, there is no going back to being a cucumber.

2. Free from the allergy - No. Free from the obsession - Yes. Managing the addiction is like walking a tight-rope. Experiencing an "awakening" is like building a bridge to walk on.

3. It is not exactly a commonly accepted thought. Most AA members never go on to experience the 10th step promise. However, many do and call themselves "Recovered".

I've been trying to prove that I could cure myself for years....nor did I ever want to have just 1 or 2 beers..My goal was to be able to get smashed with out consequence..I can't imagine that would change..Alcohol is poison to me