Pigtails

The first paragraph- this is me, exactly. All my life I've felt like an outsider, like I don't fit in. I used to be okay with that or even kind of like it. But, as I telling another poster a bit about, when I moved here for school I knew no one and I was terribly lonely. I went out with some people in my class and drank so that I would feel comfortable and all of a sudden they loved me. Of course they didn't really love me but they enjoyed hanging out with me and wasting lots of hours with me when we were all drunk. Suddenly it was like a new me. I thought I liked her better because she was fun, she was confident, she fit in. Now I look back and think it was so fake, it wasn't the real me, and it wasn't even very attractive. I get silly-drunk and while people who drink do like to hang out with me, those who don't are rather annoyed or embarrassed by me, I think, and no one takes me seriously. I have become (or have been) the Party Girl. I'm just sick of it.

The second paragraph- you're right that it isn't being my true self. So it can't lead to happiness, which is what I'm after!! I think part of it is that I am really trying to change my life for the better and be true to myself. The other part is the rock bottom that you're talking about... I guess it could be worse because I haven't gotten a DUI (honestly I don't know how I've pulled that off... I deserve to have gotten a lot ) or arrested or anything but I feel like I've royally screwed up my life with alcohol's help. For me, I'm a very functioning drinker... on the outside it looks like I have everything together and just like to party and have a good time while also having a secure job and a good career etc. (the "work hard, play harder" concept) but I see that it has gradually taken a very serious toll on every area of my life: career, current job and jobs before this one, relationships, my dating life, etc. Alcohol has gotten in the way of all of that. And when I think about how I want my life to be versus where it is, I do not want to be the girl who is just always going out and getting drunk. That's why I was talking to my therapist about it- because it's gotten worse, to the point where it's not just going out, but getting drunk at home, drinking to excess more frequently, looking for reasons to have a drink over lunch, etc., and I started to notice it was becoming a real problem ironically as I was making other positive changes- and she told me to look into all of this. Boy I had no idea what I was about to uncover. So this is my rock bottom in that when I wake up and take a look at the effects alcohol has had on me, I'm so ashamed and scared. I want to stop that and move on to better things. And I feel very lucky that I haven't suffered more serious consequences. I don't want to get to that point. Thank you for sharing your experiences and helping me.

lisa888

Wow...we have a lot in common! There is so much I want to pour out to you, it's crazy! You have to remember your "party buddies" are not true friends, they are not real. When you use, weather it's alcohol or drugs, all you are doing is simply that, using. Not only do you use the substance, but you use others to get what you want. I also hung with "party people" because it made me feel better about myself...I'm not THAT bad. Don't fall into that trap either.

I was also a "work hard, play hard" person, I justified my partying, but all it left me was empty inside. I have a very demanding (but successful) career, a lot of my co-workers drink, but then all I had left in life was work and booze. One thing I was just discussing with another sober acquaintance is how when we get sober, we realize there are more sides to us. The drinking was our whole life, but now we are sober we see other sides, other colors to us. I can identify with the party girl label too. I used to get really p.o.'ed at certain comments people would make or the expectation or question "why aren't you drinking!" Well that fades away when you realize who your true friends are. The ones who really care about you will not question your sobriety or abstaining from drinking.

I was also lucky, like you, I succeeded in everything I did, it came naturally. So I could party away and still achieve goals, work, friends, etc. But then as I got older it took a toll. My arrest was really the pivotal point and how I handled it and how I ended up here today. If you keep driving under the influence, it's only a matter of time before you get picked up. Last Feb., I spared a co-worker from driving, I offered her a ride because I was sober and she was not fit to drive. While she resisted at first, she thanked me the next day. It felt really good to be responsible, but it also felt a little odd to me to be "the voice of reason". It actually makes me laugh, but it feels good to be a grown up.

As for finding reasons to drink, that is another one that makes me laugh to this day because it got to the point where I would drink because I was mad, sad, glad, happy, stressed, bored, lonely, going out for dinner, because it was windy, because I had to go check the mail. I am not kidding, I would think, I have to go get the mail, I need a drink first. You will find any reason when you want it badly enough. I had wake up calls over the years too, but if you are serious about this, please know that after a bit of sobriety time, you will hear this inner-voice telling you "go ahead, have a drink, you can handle it", but beware of that. It's your unwell mind playing tricks on you. If you give in to that voice (like I have) and it ends up in disaster, you will know it's a problem. I remember standing at my kitchen counter drinking beer saying to myself "this is bad, this will only lead to bad places, nothing good can come from this, it will end in tears..." and guess what, it did, time after time. It will never be different for me.

Well, i have blabbed on enough. I sure hope it helps!

LaFemme

Hugs...I feel for you and where you are right now.

When I first realized I had a problem and needed to quit my problems with alcohol suddenly escalated. I had been sliding slowly down the incline and hadn't realized how far down I was until I tried to stop the slide and preceded to accelerate down the incline.

The thought of living life without alcohol was depressing and scary. How would I get through events that scared me? How would I deal with life's difficulties?

Life can be so much more. I can honestly say that if God were to appear before me today and tell me I could drink safely again, I wouldn't want it. I don't like the taste, and I don't like the way it makes me feel.

Stick around and keep posting...it helps.

xo,

Tina

Pigtails

I'm so glad I found this site, everyone here is so nice. No one has judged me even when I totally failed at the goal I had just set! :-O

Today is my second day of not drinking and I already feel much much better than I did yesterday. I think yesterday the physical and mental side effects of the hangover were really affecting my thinking and making me depressed. I think I needed to get to that state to make this decision, but, it was like super depression or something, it was not fun. Today I feel proud of myself and happy and healthy. I put on makeup for work for what I think was the first time since I started this job about 8 months ago! (I changed jobs in the middle of an approximately year-long/ year-and-a-half long bout of depression and stupid decision making and my life being all over the place... there's more to the story and it doesn't involve totally alcohol- I mean, it's not like I lost my job due to drinking or anything, but I was very depressed and couldn't focus and didn't know what I wanted to do with my life and thought I wanted to change careers all together and probably would have if I didn't need money, and I got involved with someone at work I shouldn't have who also has an alcohol problem so we just fueled each other, so that is the part of the job issue that involved alcohol, and then I went to stay with family for awhile to sort it all out, and returned after about a month to start a new job that was less demanding in terms of hours and that had people who were more positive influences... I really like the people I work with now, they're great and very balanced/happy, but anyway...

Wow that was a tangent but my point is although things are better for me at this job I've still had issues and little to no motivation to try my best at a lot of things, let alone care about my appearance! So today for the first time I wore a cute outfit that actually fits me (weight problems!), I did my makeup and I feel prettier and happier. :-) I made healthy food to bring to work with me and I'm drinking tons of water. So I feel like I'm making all-around changes in addition to not drinking and it feels really great! :-)

I like the idea of saying to myself and others that I am not drinking right now. Thinking of not drinking forever sounds so over-whelming to me. But saying, for today, or, for a month-long experimental period, or something, or, just, I'm cutting it out completely so that I can concentrate on my emotional/mental and physical goals right now (which is very true) feels much more manageable and doable. (Definitely more so than trying to moderate... I think my brain rebels against that or something! Or I have truly come to the point where I cannot just stop at one or two. I don't think that's the case because there are times I am able to do it either because I want/plan to or because I just don't end up drinking more than that, but the other night it was like something inside me knew I had decided to just stick to one or two drinks always and it didn't like it, it wanted one last schabang or something, it was very weird.

Anyway I am going day by day and it starts to feel over-whelming, like, hmmm, when I'm visiting someone like family or out of state friends and they all want to go out and drink, what am I going to do? Am I going to go and not drink, am I going to go and not go, am I going to have a "fake" drink like a virgin daquiri, or just stick with water and lemon... and what do people do together when they don't drink, anyway?, ha ha.... usually I get really over-analytical everything and start to question/worry about/plan out everything in my head. But for right now I am trying to just shhh those voices and tell myself, don't drink for today. Don't worry about what's going to come up in the future, just get through today and maybe start planning tomorrow without drinking, whatever you have to do, because you know you want this and you will feel better. I know that eventually I'll have to come up with a plan about how to handle certain situations and make major changes but right now my plan is to just not drink.

Like today after work I'm going for a pedicure with one of my friends and then for a run with my other friend, so I won't have the occassion to drink. Tomorrow my one friend and I always go to a certain place on Tuesday evenings, it's the cellar bar of a restaurant with live music and cheap food and drink specials, it's really fun. (There are certain places/times I go just to drink, and there are other certain/places I truly enjoy the atmosphere and people and have a good time other than the alcohol). I usually have the $2 sliders and whatever cocktail is on special (times a few). But tomorrow I am going to get the ahi tuna, even though it's more expensive I'll be saving money by drinking water, not alcohol. :-) I'm going to tell my friend that after my binge on Saturday night I have not drunk anything and it's felt great, I feel healthier and happier (which is true) and I think it will help me run faster and lose more weight, so, I'm just eating healthy and not drinking. This is my friend that started out as a party friend when both of us had ended relationships and were having a hard time getting over them, but gradually it turned into a genuine friendship as well and she is also trying to make positive changes and not party/drink all the time... she's younger than me and I almost feel like I influence her-- even if she's the one who wants to go out and party, if I say something like, I need to stay in and relax, she'll be like, oh yeah I should probably do that too, and then we do. So I am going to tell her about this and I think she will be supportive.

So that is my plan for today and tomorrow. In general I want to go out less and plan healthier/less busy activities but I also enjoy some routines and don't want to change everything up all at once and just sit at home depressed. I told my other friend (with the brother-in-law... ugh...) that I'm not drinking for awhile because I still feel crappy from the other night and I know I will be healthier without it (gave her the same list I'm going to tell my other friend) and her response was "Me too! I still feel tired from the other night." (She's the married one who doesn't drink much usually as it is). So that was encouraging and I think that as I go along on this journey I will keep sharing with that friend and tell her how I know I need to stay away from alcohol but it's been a struggle and I worry that I have a problem with it so I'm abstaining at least for awhile and seeing how I feel. It feels weird to admit that but I am going to need some accountability and support in real life. My sister is great but she doesn't live here and wouldn't know if I was drinking or not. And you guys are the same way although I'm determined to be honest on here even if I don't want to be. Thanks again for the help.

Pigtails

Glad to know that what I've been feeling is normal. I didn't know that was an official recommendation but it feels right for me. :-) I hope it turns into something permanent but right now I feel I can only concentrate on the short-term. I do agree it will give me time to clear my head and gain perspective!

Pigtails

Aww, thanks for the kind words! :-) Yes I over-think everything and have been told by those who know me well that I think too much, worry too much, etc. I used to always fear the worst and concentrate on the negative but now I'm really trying so hard to be positive in my thinking and that has helped a lot. I've also been learning there are some things I just don't know the answer to and I need to let go and relax.

This is the first time I consciously tried to moderate and I blew it big time. I can't say I would want to do that for years! I really want to nip it in the bud now. Yesterday I was trying to think positively instead of beating myself up and I thought, well, you have two choices. You can look at this as a slip and get back up and try to moderate again, or you can realize it means there's a bigger problem than you thought and you have to address that by totally abstaining, at least for awhile, instead of trying to moderate it, in case you fail again. I decided on the second option because I don't want to fail again. It's strange that the one time I decide to limit myself I go so overboard and end up doing ridiculously stupid things. I sure don't want a repeat of that. I've realized there are a lot of things I've done drunk that I never would have done when sober so why take the chance that I will let myself get to that level and do something stupid again?! No thanks, ha ha.

Thanks for the encouragement. :-)

Pigtails

I so want a better life than I have known! Thank you for the prayer.

Pigtails

These have been my thoughts exactly. Why moderate when what I really want is to get drunk. Sure I enjoy a beer but then I want another one. I think I am one of those people who just want more of everything or just want everything! I cannot settle for just one so why have the one.

Yeah a very scary part of it for me is thinking about all the changes I will have to make to my lifestyle. I do want to make big changes but I worry about how to go about it. I was reading another thread about NA beer which I hadn't really thought about, and people were saying that it still re-creates the same psychological dependence and didn't recommend it. I so like the idea of soda and cranberry because that mimics my "normal" drink except without the vodka! As well as virgin bloody marys and virgin daquiries etc. I think that for someone like me who never feels like I fit in it would be hard to just order water. I would like to have some semblance of what I'm used to while I also stop running around going to so many events and going out, etc. It's like I want to stop drinking and I also want to live a calmer more relaxed life but it seems impossible to do it all at once so I'm trying to strike a balance, with not drinking being the top priority. It does feel much easier to just not drink than to worry about moderating it.

Pigtails

Thanks Tina. I do think it is so strange that I had this major binge right when I had decide to moderate. And you're right, as I was working on my life and realizing that alcohol was too big of an issue, the alcohol problem started getting even worse. I honestly don't know if my awareness made the problem worse (because my brain was rebelling against what it was finding out? or it needed to drink to deal with facing its issues including drinking??) or if the problem was already that bad but I just became more aware of it... I think it's the former but I'm really not sure and I guess all that matters is I know it's a problem now and it does seem to be getting worse so I need to stop it.

Pigtails

Ha yeah we do have a lot in common! I know what you mean about party friends and users. I used them and they used me. There was this one guy I was dating who was very bad for me and my sister would tell me to stay away from him but I kept thinking "I do want to stop seeing him but when I hang out with him it's always so much fun and I get free drinks out of it." WTH?! It's like I was hurting myself in two different ways and justifying one of them because of the other. Then when i told two of my friends that I needed to stop seeing him because he was no good for me or to me, they told me to just keep using him like he was using me, and that they enjoy the benefits of me hanging out with him (he would buy all of us free drinks/dinner etc.) My sister said that they are not good friends if they would encourage me to hang out with him for any reason at all knowing he is bad for me. That's when I realized that much of the life I had built for myself was so shallow and all about partying. My own friends cared more about getting free drinks than about my mental well-being. But how could I blame them when I myself cared more about free drinks or just drinking in general than about my mental well-being. :-( We were all in the same miserable boat.

I feel bad because my brother stopped drinking and I was critical to him of it. I thought he was doing it to appease his new wife who is overly religious but even so what right did I have to not support him if that's what he wanted. My ex and I would tell him we didn't believe he's done drinking and we would say, come on just have a drink with us (because that's what we were used to doing when we were together and we don't see each other often due to distance. My ex and my brother were close and bonded over alcohol so my ex felt like my brother had dumped him after he got married... but really they could still enjoy each other's company without alcohol). So I guess I see how when one in the "group" doesn't want to drink the others feel like woah what's changed and try to pressure that person. I really don't want that to happen to me because I am weak, and I feel bad for doing it to my brother. He said he was having anxiety/sleep issues (which I also have) and that he wasn't drinking "for awhile" to be healthier, but this was a couple years ago and he hasn't started again so I think it is a lifetime decision for him which I am honestly happy for him now but at the time I was annoyed. I guess if my friends aren't in a place to be happy for me I will just have to be insistent that this is what I want and hope they come around to seeing it my way, but maybe it won't be until they themselves get to the same place, just like with me and my brother. :-/

Yeah I do fear the "why aren't you drinking?!" comments and the "but you're always such a party girl!" I gave up drinking for three weeks about a year ago and I got those comments from everyone... my co-workers (who were heavy drinkers but I have new co-workers now who wouldn't know or care , my friends, and random people who knew I liked to drink. I feel like those comments just re-inforce my negative images about myself (past self!) that kept me drinking when I am trying to break through from that and think positively. I also don't want to be known as the "trying to sober up" girl any more than I want to be known as the "party girl" anymore. But I guess I have to give it time and then both will be in my past and I will just be a normal person ha ha not a stereotype.

I do worry about the voice in my head... I know it will come back. I was the same way on Saturday night, knowing I was going to end up totally smashed and regretting my behavior, yet drinking anyway! I hope I can learn how to fight/ignore that voice. It's great talking to you and I can totally relate, thank you again for sharing!

lisa888

I am glad to help, any way I can. I have been through a lot of the same things and had the same fears and issues you have. It sounds like you have some supportive people you can count on too. I have friends that do drink, but they are not out of control, and they never question me at all. It's usually the ones who have their own drinking issues that try to get everyone around them to drink and will question people who aren't. It's the same crap we used to do, hang around drinkers to feel better about our own habits.

The voice in your head is scary, you have to be very strong. I have heard people say "just think through the drink" and that actually works. Really get in touch with why you are feeling the urge, think through it. Do you really want to chase after that temporary high so you can crash down and feel like crap about yourself. Try making that list, things you won't miss about being wasted and the "day afters". Make a list of the positive things about abstaining. Look at it when the voice speaks to you. The extreme ups and downs of drinking are too hectic, why deal with that when you can go with the flow. Don't let the external things beat you down. You can do it, if I can, I know you can. Also, if it's any comfort at all...you will be able to look back on some of these things and laugh. One day you will, and that sober laughter will feel better than any high you have ever had.

erikm02

I really like this

littlefish

What I really like about this thread is that: pigtail, you are asking about alcoholism.

You are worried. You are thinking. That is so fantastic. I swept it under the rug and told myself for 30 years that "it was alright" when it was not.

I will mention AA because it is the only place I have met active and recovering young alcoholics. I would never have met them in any other circumstance...except maybe a bar when they were a blur to me and I was a blur to them.

I just want to say that I admire them and you so much because they asked: is this okay? You are doing that pigtails and that is so wonderful. You are asking the question.

I have a niece in her 40's who never asked that question. She has been committed to over 12 court appointed rehab stints, all of which she left after the first day. At this point she has been missing for 3 years: no one in the family knows where she is. She could be dead. She was an incredibly beautiful girl. She could have been a top model. She could have been a wife, a mom, a career woman. But..she was mostly a party girl who drank and drugged all the time.

Those questions sometimes save our lives.
Welcome to SR!!!!!!

Reed22

One of the problems I always had was the subjective versus objective idea of how much is too much:

I would drink 10 beers and "feel" ok, I could carry on conversation and not stumble around or anthiny like that, so 10 beers didn't feel like a big deal.

Now I am beginning to realize that 120 ounces of liquid infused with alcohol IS actually quite a lot of beer to drink! The fact that I feel ok after that much, and really feel like I need around that much to reach the way i WANT to feel is the problem!

I wish you the best in figuring out what to do next!

One last thing: I also have found that over-thinking things can be sabotage! All this "what about friends, what about Fridays, etc." can detract from the true issue of whether you should simply not drink.

Pigtails

Today is my third day of not drinking. I feel great. After trying to lose weight for over a month (by running and sometimes watching what I eat) and only losing 5 pounds (and re-gaining/re-losing the same 2 or 3 pounds), I finally lost another 2 pounds overnight, so that now I'm down to 7 pounds lost total (I have another 20 to go). I know it's from not drinking for 2 days and also from really watching what I ate yesterday. I am trying to be healthy all over. Whenever I get bored or lonely or depressed or want to drink, one of the things I've started to do to occupy myself is to buy, prepare and package healthy food I can bring to work with me, like grilled chicken and veggies, turkey, fruit and nuts, etc. It makes me feel so good and healthy to eat this stuff (and drink a lot of water) instead of drinking alcohol. Plus I ran a hard three miles yesterday and it felt good to be doing that instead of sitting in a dark bar drinking! I was just talking to my sister last night about how silly it is that I just sat around on my butt doing nothing but drinking for hours at a time-- look at all that time and money wasted! I have no idea what I even talk about with people- it's not like one can have a great or memorable conversation when drunk. So what did I do really besides drink alcohol with other people who like to drink alcohol? Nothing.

Yesterday I was getting a pedicure after work with two of my friends. One of the friends and I had set up a "date" to go running after the pedicure. The other friend asked us what we were doing after the pedicure and said she wanted to go for a drink because she had had a bad day at work. It felt great to be able to say I was going running. I feel like if I make alternative healthy plans, I won't have the time or occassion to drink and I will have good excuses to give my friends who do drink often.

On the other hand, in the evenings I need to unpack stuff in my new place (I just moved) and spend time with my pets and write and read, things I used to love to do but rarely do anymore. So I would like to make myself and my priorities my first excuse- I have to go home because I have things to do (why is that such a hard thing for me to say?!)- and that way I can work on running first thing in the morning which is something I've been wanting to do (but I'm so not a morning person).

Yesterday I was telling my sister about my crazy Saturday night and how when my friend's brother-in-law went into the house to make another drink and he asked me if I wanted one too, I should have said no because of the two-drink limit I was trying to follow but that just seemed so out of character, and my sister was like, "Yeah, he would have been so shocked if you had said "No thanks, I've had enough." :rotfxko We were laughing at how I would never say that before, and people would fall over shocked if I did. It's a funny/sad thing because I can't believe I was that person, but it's so true. It would be like a bird turning down bread. Well now I'm having to turn down bread and it's very hard for me! I am not used to it and I think part of me doesn't want to offend my friends, part of me doesn't want the spotlight on me, I'm embarrassed of having this problem and I don't want to have to admit it or answer questions about it, and part of me doesn't want to say no because I want to drink, darn it.

So I guess I'm struggling with how to make lifestyle changes and tell my friends I'm not drinking and stick to it. But overall I feel so much better mentally, emotionally and physically. I feel like I'm on my way to a new me!

erikm02

Thanks for sharing this. Evenings, esp during the weekend, have been my most difficult times. Seems like you're doing a great job so far

Pigtails

Yeah Lisa I feel like I have a few close friends who truly know the real me, or the much of the real me as they can know since I drink a lot around them, and then a bunch of "friends" who are just drinking friends and they know the drinking side of me-- sometimes dark and depressive and full of issues and problems, and other times happy and fun-- and that's not really their fault because that IS a side of me that does come out often.

I like the idea of the list. On Sunday when I decided I need to stop drinking I did something similar, I wrote a prose poem about all the reasons I wasn't happy that involved alcohol. It really made me stop and think and realize I needed to do something huge to fix this problem. So I will re-read the poem and keep writing often. Writing really helps me work through things. THanks for the suggestion.

Pigtails

Hi LittleFish, thanks for posting. I am sorry to hear about your neice.

I just read a post you wrote in another thread where you were saying your husband married a fun/spontaneous/drunk girl that he liked and it took him awhile to get used to the new you. This is something I've been thinking about a lot and that's in line with what I've been discussing with Lisa. One of the things I realized before I realized I need to not drink is that I don't know who I really am! I used alcohol to present a certain personality that was more alcohol's personality than mine, but, I don't really know what my personality is.

I was thinking that really I'm shy and bookwormish but with alcohol I'm fun and spontaneous. I was worried that without alcohol I would change into someone unlikeable and I do really like that fun, spontaneous side of me that says yes to cliff-diving and middle-of-the-night road trips etc. I was with my ex fiance for 5 years and he enjoyed my fun-loving spontaneous side but he also kept suggesting I limit my drinking and usually only have up to two drinks and once in awhile, like for special occasions, get drunk. (I never really took him seriously. He had his own issues with drinking and I think it was his way of trying to curb it for both of us, he would suggest we both do that, but neither of us would.) Anyway I always thought, he wouldn't want me to stop drinking because then I'd be in a room with a book and he likes to do the active stuff.

But in just these two days of being sober I've noticed/remembered something. I am naturally a happy person and I do enjoy doing fun things with or without alcohol. Sure, I have programmed myself to think that I can't have fun or as much fun without alcohol, but, it's not like I just want to read books and think a lot-- I do enjoy camping, traveling, skiing, and a lot of other fun things that don't require alcohol. (And probably shouldn't be mixed with alcohol although I did it.) I think I have a lot of different sides to me and I was using alcohol to bring out or exaggerate one side but instead I should be honoring all of them.

I have definitely noticed that I am more comfortable and outgoing around people I know well. I'm not good with big groups or people I don't know well. But when it's me and a good friend, I am fun, I am the life of the party and I bring out their laughter and happiness too, so why do I think I need alcohol to hang out with friends?! Yesterday when my good friend and I were getting pedicures before my other friend got there, we were laughing and joking and I felt so free and happy. It was a different emotion than the "happiness" I feel when I'm drinking. It was more real and joyful.

Then I was telling my sister on the phone that I remember in high school I was so happy-go-lucky and funloving, and I never had a sip of alcohol back then! It was sometimes giddy/nerdy happy but it was real. So I want to get back to that. She said "Yeah, just imagine how different our lives would be without alcohol." I do think I would be genuinely happier when I feel happy, and not fake-happy when I don't feel happy, and what is wrong with that?

I would definitely like to increase my confidence around people I don't know but I think I can work on that and I can also accept my strengths and weaknesses. I'm not a people-person, a charmer, or outgoing around strangers. But I am a good friend who opens up to those I trust and who brings out the best in them. Which is a lot better than being a party girl who has a lot of "fun" around anyone but who doesn't really get to know those people and vice versa.

Pigtails

Yeah, sometimes I got a buzz after only a drink or two and other times I would try to get a buzz and not be able to after like 5 or 6 drinks. It seemed unpredictable. But the bottom line as you've said is that I shouldn't need to get that buzz.

I understand what you're saying about over-thinking things but I don't know what to do about it because it's just who I am. I am insanely over-analytical. In fact I think I've gotten better at it since going to counseling and trying to relax and let things go (I think it's tied to my anxiety and control issues). But I still naturally think about all kinds of different scenarios and worry too much and try to plan/control details... and I don't know how to stop that. If there was a cure I'd take it ha ha. In fact I think it's a big reason I drank- because then I forget about my worries and about thinking all together and I can just let myself go. I need to find a way to do this without drinking but I don't know how, it feels like it's just who I am and how I operate.

Pigtails

Thanks! Yeah I feel so out of sorts on the weekend evenings because I'm so used to being out around people drinking. I think my big problem is that I'm uncomfortable being alone with myself. I get bored, easily distracted and lonely.