"Almost" an alcoholic?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 788
Hi, Pigtails,
I decided to quit drinking a few months ago rather than try to moderate...and fail...one more time. I am really enjoying embracing my inner nerd. Last night, I had dinner with a friend at a bar, and sat with a big dessert and a cup of tea enjoying myself and thinking, "I have become my grandmother.". I was always a big party girl, but now I see that was never really me. Feels good to be myself.
I decided to quit drinking a few months ago rather than try to moderate...and fail...one more time. I am really enjoying embracing my inner nerd. Last night, I had dinner with a friend at a bar, and sat with a big dessert and a cup of tea enjoying myself and thinking, "I have become my grandmother.". I was always a big party girl, but now I see that was never really me. Feels good to be myself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Originally Posted by Maryjan 
P.s. You should just go listen in at an AA meeting...it's all about dealing with our controlling/overly-analytical minds. I was absolutely stunned to meet a whole room of people whose brains were as crazy as mine.
So do alcoholics have similar brains?? I never knew that!
That's funny about becoming your grandmother.
I think a big reason I was afraid to stop drinking is that I didn't want to miss out on fun or become an old lady. But really it is time for me to grow up. I have spent a long time partying and being immature and irresponsible so it's not like I can say I've missed out on anything. I'm ready to experience a new (real) side of life.It's nice to meet you. :-)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 788
First of all, if you see someone you know at AA, they know better than anyone to leep it quiet. And you don't have to believe in God...you just need to feel your life in unmanageable...or you need some new management! It's a set of tools to live dofferently, not listening to the voices in your head, but to a quieter, calmer knowledge. But you'll go if it's right for you.
In the meantime, welcome! We are all figuring out how to be happy together. Drinking less (or none) is just the start. It's a crazy journey. Nice to meet you, too.
In the meantime, welcome! We are all figuring out how to be happy together. Drinking less (or none) is just the start. It's a crazy journey. Nice to meet you, too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Thanks again everyone for all the support. Yesterday was my third day of not drinking. I just wrote this really long post about my Day 3 sober, so I'm going to put little paragraph headings to break it up better, ha ha.
Good Workout
After work I went running at the gym and I felt like I was flying- I did 3 miles faster than I have since I started back up with running a couple months ago, and it felt pretty easy!
Clear Head at Writing Group
I then went to my writing group that meets weekly on Tuesdays and I was thinking of how in the past I have sometimes blown it off because someone had invited me to happy hour or I was drinking with this guy I was seeing who was not good for me (I've started to realize our whole relationship revolved around our mutual love of alcohol and desire to escape from real life, instead of a mutual love for each other), or I would show up buzzed from drinking beforehand. So anyway it was nice to be clear-headed during writing group and really think about the pieces we were discussing. I was also thinking it was weird that no one noticed that now I was completely sober whereas usually I had been buzzed. I think I am so good at hiding it-- all this time they never knew I was buzzed during meetings. :-O Or if so no ever said anything and I have been meeting with them for four years so I feel that they would! (The showing up buzzed has only been going on for, wow, I don't know, maybe a year or so? But not all the time... at first just once in awhile and then it got to be almost every time. And sometimes when we would meet at a place that served beer or wine, or when it was an occasion and we would have food and alcohol at group, I would always over-indulge, so, I can't believe they never made comments.)
Thinking About "Old" Tuesday Night Routine
My Tuesday after work routine usually consisted of trying to drink if I could, then going to writing group if I wasn't too busy drinking, then going to meet my friend at this place we like on Tuesdays, and drinking more and sometimes doing coke. Sometimes I would even have a "to go" drink in the car on the way to one or all of these. All of this on a weekday and I wouldn't get home until at 11, midnight... sometimes I'd meet up with another friend and go to another bar or club after the place we like to go to, and not get home until after 2 am on a weeknight.
I think I realized I had an issue with alcohol but I was in denial even to myself as to the extent of it. I never really laid out for myself or my therapist or my sister (or even the friend I hang out with the most when I drink -- I would drink more than her, before her, after her, and she wouldn't even know), and when I step back and take a look at it, I'm like, wow, I can't believe that was my life.
What to Tell my Friend?!
I went to the normal meet-up place with my friend and ordered a cranberry soda and a water before she got there. This was the worst part of the whole day, when I first got there and was waiting for her to arrive... I tried to relax and listen to the live music which is why I like the place (plus the food!), but I felt pretty nervous and anxious. It wasn't really that I was tempted to drink, I felt very sure that I didn't want to, but it was more trying to fit in in a surrounding full of alcohol and I was also really worried what my friend would say when I told her I'm not drinking.
I don't know why I'm so worried about this- I'm a wimp I guess and I know she values our drinking together time- and it ended up that I never had to tell her! I guess she just assumed I was drinking my normal drink of vodka soda with a splash of cranberry, because it looked like it even though it was in a regular sized pint glass instead of a cocktail glass, and she launched into a story about her day and didn't give it another thought. I ordered scrumptious shrimp cocktail with halibut ceviche and a caprese salad, and she had already eaten so she just had two beers, and I calmed down and we talked about our day and her boy problems etc.
At one point we were even talking about the problems with drinking so much and she was saying she rarely gets drunk any more because she doesn't like the way it feels. I think what I have a hard time with is that she can easily moderate (well, more than she used to, and much better than I can... sometimes she still drinks a lot when she planned to drink a couple, and sometimes she purposefully has go-out drinking binges that are planned... both of which I used to do but for her it hasn't been to the same extent lately that it was for me), and I can't. So I just know she is going to be like "well why can't you just have one or two?" (wish I could...) or "what's wrong with getting drunk once in awhile when we go out?" Nothing is wrong with it! Except that it turns me into a different person and makes me do things I wouldn't otherwise do. And I think maybe that is the problem-- she has no issue with randomly hooking up with guys, drunk or sober, but especially when drunk she does it to excess, and I had gotten into a pattern of doing what she does when I'm drunk but I hate it and regret it and don't want to do it anymore, and it seems I have no control over it when I'm not drunk. Or even not just hooking up with guys but randomly going to after-parties at people's houses or getting rides from people we don't know or driving under the influence... just a whole bunch of unsafe things I don't want to be doing that I only do drunk.
So I think I'm not sure how to tell her that #1) I don't have control over it (this is really hard for me to admit for some reason) and #2) I don't want to do what she does. I mean I wouldn't phrase it like that but that's the gist of it-- I don't want to do all the things we do when we're drunk and by the time I get drunk, I am too out of control to handle it and to make the decisions I want to make.
It would be fine with me if, say, we went out to a club for a birthday or just a fun girl's night out and had some drinks, even got drunk if we had transportation, and danced (I like to dance but usually only when drunk because I'm not good at it-- my sister suggested I take dance lessons and dance when sober!
, and then went home when the club closed or before. Or even if we had a planned after-party at our place or one of our friend's etc.
It's not like I'm against having a good time, staying up late sometimes, or even drinking per se. It's just that when I'm with her (and not trying to just blame her- I have done it when with others but usually I'm with her) and get drunk I don't think straight. I don't think "you need to make safe decisions and protect yourself and not do things you'll regret terribly in the morning." It's like all logic goes out the window! One solution would seem to be making sure I only have a couple drinks so that I don't get to that drunken thinking state, but, that has recently proved unsuccessful and I don't trust myself, I would rather drink nothing than go down the road of being able to get drunk and make bad decisions again. So I guess I could just explain it to her like that but the words feel really hard to get out of my mouth!
Remembering What "Tired" Feels Like
So anyway at about 9:30 I started to experience a feeling I'm really not used to feeling... tiredness! I began to realize I've never really let myself be tired. I'm so busy and I run here and there and stay out and when I do feel tired I just have a shot of tequila or do a line of coke and once I'm drunk or obviously on coke I forget all about the fact that I was tired. I never wanted to go home, I have a sleep disorder that makes me never want to go to sleep (yeah that's exactly why I should be sleeping, right? I know...), and so I just stay out as late as possible and numb my mind into not feeling tired (or anything else). So I was like, wow, this is what it feels like to be tired at a normal bed-time hour! (Actually for some reason after quitting drinking I have felt a lot more fatigue at all times than I normally do, but last night it felt like a natural/normal state of feeling tired at night, which surprised me ha ha).
So I went home and texted with my sister who said I am actually feeling emotions now that I'm not numbing myself. She also said that I must still be fun when I'm not drinking (which was one of my concerns about stopping) if my friend and I had the same kind of night we normally have and she didn't even realize I wasn't drinking. Ha ha that's true I guess.
Sleep Problems
Then I went to bed. I actually haven't been sleeping well and have been waking up late and so super tired in the mornings. I'm thinking that my sleep disorder has been worse from alcohol withdrawal but I don't know. I'm going to work on that issue because I would like to wake up feeling refreshed and energized like I do at most other times in the day.
So that's it, if you've read this far you are a speed reader or something. I think I'm using this as my journal to record my progress and comment about things I've noticed and see if any of you have any helpful insight based on your experiences. I hope that's okay. I am new to this. :-) I hope you all have a lovely day.
Good Workout
After work I went running at the gym and I felt like I was flying- I did 3 miles faster than I have since I started back up with running a couple months ago, and it felt pretty easy!
Clear Head at Writing Group
I then went to my writing group that meets weekly on Tuesdays and I was thinking of how in the past I have sometimes blown it off because someone had invited me to happy hour or I was drinking with this guy I was seeing who was not good for me (I've started to realize our whole relationship revolved around our mutual love of alcohol and desire to escape from real life, instead of a mutual love for each other), or I would show up buzzed from drinking beforehand. So anyway it was nice to be clear-headed during writing group and really think about the pieces we were discussing. I was also thinking it was weird that no one noticed that now I was completely sober whereas usually I had been buzzed. I think I am so good at hiding it-- all this time they never knew I was buzzed during meetings. :-O Or if so no ever said anything and I have been meeting with them for four years so I feel that they would! (The showing up buzzed has only been going on for, wow, I don't know, maybe a year or so? But not all the time... at first just once in awhile and then it got to be almost every time. And sometimes when we would meet at a place that served beer or wine, or when it was an occasion and we would have food and alcohol at group, I would always over-indulge, so, I can't believe they never made comments.)
Thinking About "Old" Tuesday Night Routine
My Tuesday after work routine usually consisted of trying to drink if I could, then going to writing group if I wasn't too busy drinking, then going to meet my friend at this place we like on Tuesdays, and drinking more and sometimes doing coke. Sometimes I would even have a "to go" drink in the car on the way to one or all of these. All of this on a weekday and I wouldn't get home until at 11, midnight... sometimes I'd meet up with another friend and go to another bar or club after the place we like to go to, and not get home until after 2 am on a weeknight.
I think I realized I had an issue with alcohol but I was in denial even to myself as to the extent of it. I never really laid out for myself or my therapist or my sister (or even the friend I hang out with the most when I drink -- I would drink more than her, before her, after her, and she wouldn't even know), and when I step back and take a look at it, I'm like, wow, I can't believe that was my life.
What to Tell my Friend?!
I went to the normal meet-up place with my friend and ordered a cranberry soda and a water before she got there. This was the worst part of the whole day, when I first got there and was waiting for her to arrive... I tried to relax and listen to the live music which is why I like the place (plus the food!), but I felt pretty nervous and anxious. It wasn't really that I was tempted to drink, I felt very sure that I didn't want to, but it was more trying to fit in in a surrounding full of alcohol and I was also really worried what my friend would say when I told her I'm not drinking.
I don't know why I'm so worried about this- I'm a wimp I guess and I know she values our drinking together time- and it ended up that I never had to tell her! I guess she just assumed I was drinking my normal drink of vodka soda with a splash of cranberry, because it looked like it even though it was in a regular sized pint glass instead of a cocktail glass, and she launched into a story about her day and didn't give it another thought. I ordered scrumptious shrimp cocktail with halibut ceviche and a caprese salad, and she had already eaten so she just had two beers, and I calmed down and we talked about our day and her boy problems etc.
At one point we were even talking about the problems with drinking so much and she was saying she rarely gets drunk any more because she doesn't like the way it feels. I think what I have a hard time with is that she can easily moderate (well, more than she used to, and much better than I can... sometimes she still drinks a lot when she planned to drink a couple, and sometimes she purposefully has go-out drinking binges that are planned... both of which I used to do but for her it hasn't been to the same extent lately that it was for me), and I can't. So I just know she is going to be like "well why can't you just have one or two?" (wish I could...) or "what's wrong with getting drunk once in awhile when we go out?" Nothing is wrong with it! Except that it turns me into a different person and makes me do things I wouldn't otherwise do. And I think maybe that is the problem-- she has no issue with randomly hooking up with guys, drunk or sober, but especially when drunk she does it to excess, and I had gotten into a pattern of doing what she does when I'm drunk but I hate it and regret it and don't want to do it anymore, and it seems I have no control over it when I'm not drunk. Or even not just hooking up with guys but randomly going to after-parties at people's houses or getting rides from people we don't know or driving under the influence... just a whole bunch of unsafe things I don't want to be doing that I only do drunk.
So I think I'm not sure how to tell her that #1) I don't have control over it (this is really hard for me to admit for some reason) and #2) I don't want to do what she does. I mean I wouldn't phrase it like that but that's the gist of it-- I don't want to do all the things we do when we're drunk and by the time I get drunk, I am too out of control to handle it and to make the decisions I want to make.
It would be fine with me if, say, we went out to a club for a birthday or just a fun girl's night out and had some drinks, even got drunk if we had transportation, and danced (I like to dance but usually only when drunk because I'm not good at it-- my sister suggested I take dance lessons and dance when sober!
, and then went home when the club closed or before. Or even if we had a planned after-party at our place or one of our friend's etc. It's not like I'm against having a good time, staying up late sometimes, or even drinking per se. It's just that when I'm with her (and not trying to just blame her- I have done it when with others but usually I'm with her) and get drunk I don't think straight. I don't think "you need to make safe decisions and protect yourself and not do things you'll regret terribly in the morning." It's like all logic goes out the window! One solution would seem to be making sure I only have a couple drinks so that I don't get to that drunken thinking state, but, that has recently proved unsuccessful and I don't trust myself, I would rather drink nothing than go down the road of being able to get drunk and make bad decisions again. So I guess I could just explain it to her like that but the words feel really hard to get out of my mouth!
Remembering What "Tired" Feels Like
So anyway at about 9:30 I started to experience a feeling I'm really not used to feeling... tiredness! I began to realize I've never really let myself be tired. I'm so busy and I run here and there and stay out and when I do feel tired I just have a shot of tequila or do a line of coke and once I'm drunk or obviously on coke I forget all about the fact that I was tired. I never wanted to go home, I have a sleep disorder that makes me never want to go to sleep (yeah that's exactly why I should be sleeping, right? I know...), and so I just stay out as late as possible and numb my mind into not feeling tired (or anything else). So I was like, wow, this is what it feels like to be tired at a normal bed-time hour! (Actually for some reason after quitting drinking I have felt a lot more fatigue at all times than I normally do, but last night it felt like a natural/normal state of feeling tired at night, which surprised me ha ha).
So I went home and texted with my sister who said I am actually feeling emotions now that I'm not numbing myself. She also said that I must still be fun when I'm not drinking (which was one of my concerns about stopping) if my friend and I had the same kind of night we normally have and she didn't even realize I wasn't drinking. Ha ha that's true I guess.
Sleep Problems
Then I went to bed. I actually haven't been sleeping well and have been waking up late and so super tired in the mornings. I'm thinking that my sleep disorder has been worse from alcohol withdrawal but I don't know. I'm going to work on that issue because I would like to wake up feeling refreshed and energized like I do at most other times in the day.
So that's it, if you've read this far you are a speed reader or something.
I think I'm using this as my journal to record my progress and comment about things I've noticed and see if any of you have any helpful insight based on your experiences. I hope that's okay. I am new to this. :-) I hope you all have a lovely day.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Originally Posted by grateful101010
"People who aren't alcoholics don't lie awake at night wondering if they are alcoholics" --Caroline Knapp, Drinking: A Love Story (a really good book BTW).
Shoot I had that book and I gave it away when I was moving. I'll have to get it again! I love to read.
I also like your signature quote- I love Robert Downey Jr. and the quote is sad-funny.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
Pigtails,
You are doing great. I would encourage you to keep writing because I think it is helping you sort all of this out. It certainly is confusing at first. You are learning alot about yourself and about alcoholism. Some of the learning is painful.
As the sober days add up, I think you will find even greater clarity and awareness. Good for you for doing something very loving and kind for yourself. If you can stay on the path of recovery, you will save yourself years of anguish.
Better yet, you will have an even richer and fuller life than if you had continued drinking.
Susan
You are doing great. I would encourage you to keep writing because I think it is helping you sort all of this out. It certainly is confusing at first. You are learning alot about yourself and about alcoholism. Some of the learning is painful.
As the sober days add up, I think you will find even greater clarity and awareness. Good for you for doing something very loving and kind for yourself. If you can stay on the path of recovery, you will save yourself years of anguish.
Better yet, you will have an even richer and fuller life than if you had continued drinking.
Susan
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Originally Posted by susanlauren
Pigtails,
You are doing great. I would encourage you to keep writing because I think it is helping you sort all of this out. It certainly is confusing at first. You are learning alot about yourself and about alcoholism. Some of the learning is painful.
As the sober days add up, I think you will find even greater clarity and awareness. Good for you for doing something very loving and kind for yourself. If you can stay on the path of recovery, you will save yourself years of anguish.
Better yet, you will have an even richer and fuller life than if you had continued drinking.
Susan
You are doing great. I would encourage you to keep writing because I think it is helping you sort all of this out. It certainly is confusing at first. You are learning alot about yourself and about alcoholism. Some of the learning is painful.
As the sober days add up, I think you will find even greater clarity and awareness. Good for you for doing something very loving and kind for yourself. If you can stay on the path of recovery, you will save yourself years of anguish.
Better yet, you will have an even richer and fuller life than if you had continued drinking.
Susan
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