"Almost" an alcoholic?
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Originally Posted by EmeraldRose 
I understand how hard it is to 'give up' friendships and relationships. In the past, old friends would call my Mother and she'd give them my number. I told her not to do that since there was a reason why we weren't friends. I hate 'catching up' with people after 10 or 20 years...just to find out what they are up to. There is a reason why we didn't stay connected. I respect that reason whatever it is and don't feel that I need to know.
I have told my Mother that if someone from the dark ages calls ask for THEIR number and tell them you will relay the message.
We need to pick and choose our friends. Just because we 'know' them doesn't mean they are a friend. And doesn't mean they are a good influence on our recovery or life choices.
I have moved 1400 miles away from my family and 'friends' and have made aquaintances thru work, etc but I do not consider any of them people that I would tell my utmost secrets or desires in life -EXCEPT for my new AA friends. I would trust them with my dog and that says alot. LOL
Since moving and meeting new people and having this aweful secret of being an alcoholic I have to be very careful who I trust. This town has a 1000 people. That's like 1000 mouths working in unison 24/7. Trust is something that I have deep respect for and am learning that just because they are your friends doesn't mean you want them to know you. And that goes both ways...I am very careful with information I share to others about others.
You need to choose the people in your life that will benefit your life right now. Especially if you are having issues. Toxic souls will make you go against your morals and what you expect from yourself. Positive souls will help you and try to understand your desires.
You are right, in moving, we generally are trying to run away from our problems...but with an addict the problem always follows like a shadow. It will catch up with you if you don't get to the root of the problem. But if you feel that moving closer to your family is a good choice and will encourage a better life it might be worth another thought.
I wish I could move closer but I can't afford to live in a east coast city where I was from. So I remain a dusty prairie dweller -but have no debt!
I have told my Mother that if someone from the dark ages calls ask for THEIR number and tell them you will relay the message.
We need to pick and choose our friends. Just because we 'know' them doesn't mean they are a friend. And doesn't mean they are a good influence on our recovery or life choices.
I have moved 1400 miles away from my family and 'friends' and have made aquaintances thru work, etc but I do not consider any of them people that I would tell my utmost secrets or desires in life -EXCEPT for my new AA friends. I would trust them with my dog and that says alot. LOL
Since moving and meeting new people and having this aweful secret of being an alcoholic I have to be very careful who I trust. This town has a 1000 people. That's like 1000 mouths working in unison 24/7. Trust is something that I have deep respect for and am learning that just because they are your friends doesn't mean you want them to know you. And that goes both ways...I am very careful with information I share to others about others.
You need to choose the people in your life that will benefit your life right now. Especially if you are having issues. Toxic souls will make you go against your morals and what you expect from yourself. Positive souls will help you and try to understand your desires.
You are right, in moving, we generally are trying to run away from our problems...but with an addict the problem always follows like a shadow. It will catch up with you if you don't get to the root of the problem. But if you feel that moving closer to your family is a good choice and will encourage a better life it might be worth another thought.
I wish I could move closer but I can't afford to live in a east coast city where I was from. So I remain a dusty prairie dweller -but have no debt!
I did meet some of these people at a very low point and I feel they have gotten worse whereas I am trying to get better. So I understand what you mean about letting them go when they are no longer good for me. But at the same time I feel I would first let them know of my new plan and goals and see if they are supportive of me or if they try to get me to break my promises with myself. If so I will know they are not true friends. Sad but true. And yes I have learned to be more discriminate about who I share myself with and have learned the hard way that not everyone can be trusted or is worthy of my giving them pieces of myself or all of me. That is something I have struggled with but am working on.
I have no idea how you can live in a town so small, ha ha. I face similar issues because I am from a small (not 1,000 people though!) town pretty far away from most cities so it is cheap to live right there but expensive to live in the closest city. Where I live now is an affordable small city and it would be a big change, financially and career-wise etc., so I have stayed here despite really missing my family and feeling like I should be close to them. I'm conflicted on the issue though because I had a lot of issues with my parents that I acted out against in self-destructive ways. So I am not sure if being close to them would be a good thing or a bad thing for me at this point in my life! I realize that at first I was running away from them (in terms of living far away and establishing a very different life than they life) and rebelling against them but still not knowing or honoring who I really was. Now I have come to terms with some issues and I want to be okay with myself enough where I am confident to live my own life, hopefully closer to them because I do love them despite the issues (and I honestly don't know how many of the issues were "my" fault versus "their" fault- just that I didn't handle them well), but not feel pressure to conform or rebel and not feel judged etc. Really the big sticking point for me is that my sister is there and I feel I would be much happier if I lived closer to her.
And she feels the same. At one point I viewed it as a liability that she lived so close to my parents and that was something that kept me from moving closer to her (plus, she always wanted to move away too, ha ha), but now I feel it would be a bonus to be around all of my family even though we have our issues and quirks. It's just a chaotic explosive environment and I'm not sure I need that drama right now. I want to be "okay" with where I am and how I got here and then I feel I could be around them without becoming like them or like what I used to be when I was around them, if that makes any sense.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Originally Posted by erikm02
Yep. One drink turns into twelve and before I know it I've downed half a 750 of vodka to my self and am blacked out laying on the bathroom floor
yikes.
If you actually are able to keep it to only a couple drinks, than you should be fine Just be careful!
yikes.
If you actually are able to keep it to only a couple drinks, than you should be fine
Just be careful!Member
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Originally Posted by Dee74
This kept me drinking for a long time too....but looking back I wonder how much of it was not wanting to hurt or disappoint my friends and how much of it was fear of change?
I wanted to be a non drinker but essentially live my old drinking life.
Personally, I didn't find that possible.
The fact is, if people are your friends, they'll support any positive changes you're making. If they don't....maybe the relationship needs to be looked at?
I had to cut a few people adrift, and it was painful - but I don't regret it...a lot more people stuck by me, and I gained many old friends back who were happy to see the 'old me' again
D
I wanted to be a non drinker but essentially live my old drinking life.
Personally, I didn't find that possible.
The fact is, if people are your friends, they'll support any positive changes you're making. If they don't....maybe the relationship needs to be looked at?
I had to cut a few people adrift, and it was painful - but I don't regret it...a lot more people stuck by me, and I gained many old friends back who were happy to see the 'old me' again
D
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Originally Posted by CatFry
It is definitely a tough decision to quit alcohol or not, Pigtails.
It is good that you are exploring it as a coping mechanism and as a way to to avoid unwanted feelings (like loneliness). It sounds like you are on a good path : )
Alcohlism is definitely progressive. Maybe your therapist was unsure if you were in the early stages or just over-indulging.
Good luck and Welcome!
It is good that you are exploring it as a coping mechanism and as a way to to avoid unwanted feelings (like loneliness). It sounds like you are on a good path : )
Alcohlism is definitely progressive. Maybe your therapist was unsure if you were in the early stages or just over-indulging.
Good luck and Welcome!
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 861
Pigtails- Very cute username!! I also felt like I was almost an alcoholic or heading in that direction when I quit drinking. Now, I fluctuate as to what I call myself. I'm glad you are looking at all these issues.
When I quit drinking, I had very little problems with friends pressuring me to drink or it being uncomfortable. And I made new sober friends as well. I'm glad that I quit fairly young, so that I have had lots of time to build a sober life (sober friends, sober activities).
I found this list of various self-help programs useful.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
I went to AA, Women for Sobriety, SMART, and LifeRing groups. It took me a while to find something that fit for me and my needs. They all also have online options if there are not in-person groups near you. There are also lots of people here on SR that only use SR (Sober Recovery).
Welcome to SR!
When I quit drinking, I had very little problems with friends pressuring me to drink or it being uncomfortable. And I made new sober friends as well. I'm glad that I quit fairly young, so that I have had lots of time to build a sober life (sober friends, sober activities).
I found this list of various self-help programs useful.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
I went to AA, Women for Sobriety, SMART, and LifeRing groups. It took me a while to find something that fit for me and my needs. They all also have online options if there are not in-person groups near you. There are also lots of people here on SR that only use SR (Sober Recovery).
Welcome to SR!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
If you can enjoy drinking in a limited fashion, more power to ya! I tried to drink 'normally' for a long time and finally just gave up. It's easier for me to not drink at all rather than limit myself to one or two.
Welcome to the family.
You'll find lots of support and useful information here.
I tried to drink 'normally' for a long time and finally just gave up. It's easier for me to not drink at all rather than limit myself to one or two.Welcome to the family.
You'll find lots of support and useful information here. Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Welcome to the family pigtails. I wish I'd been as wise as you when I was 30. How different my life could've been. I kept going with my drinking, insisting I could moderate - until in my 50's I had all but destroyed everything that was positive in my life (and became the proud owner of 3 dui's). This never has to happen to you.
Everyone has said encouraging and helpful things already. I'll just add - congratulations for acknowledging you may have a problem, & for wanting a better life for yourself. Let us know how it's going - we care.
Everyone has said encouraging and helpful things already. I'll just add - congratulations for acknowledging you may have a problem, & for wanting a better life for yourself. Let us know how it's going - we care.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,954
Reading through your posts I can see that you depend on alcohol to relieve uncomfortable emotions or states of being. That is a big problem in my book. I did the same back in active addiction. Relying on alcohol (or in my case liquor & drugs) to ease an unsettled self or emotional state. It is a problem, as you stated, that can and will get way out of control. As it did for me wile using.
What I did was long for that control or better stated, have my emotions/mind and actions better managed. And under the influence of alcohol (drugs), that was impossible. Deciding to live harmful substance free was freeing and unsettling at the same time. But after looking over all the options it was clear that I had to find a better way to live.
It took determination and persistence to live a life, not only free from alcohol/drugs, but to develop (and continue to develop) a better overall quality of life. It amazes me now to look back and see how uncertain I was about cleaning up my act. Then only to discover how much better it is today now that I have regained control of the direction of my life without the crutch of alcohol/drugs running the show.
What I did was long for that control or better stated, have my emotions/mind and actions better managed. And under the influence of alcohol (drugs), that was impossible. Deciding to live harmful substance free was freeing and unsettling at the same time. But after looking over all the options it was clear that I had to find a better way to live.
It took determination and persistence to live a life, not only free from alcohol/drugs, but to develop (and continue to develop) a better overall quality of life. It amazes me now to look back and see how uncertain I was about cleaning up my act. Then only to discover how much better it is today now that I have regained control of the direction of my life without the crutch of alcohol/drugs running the show.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hi pigtails and welcome to SR.
You remind me quite a bit of myself. I was doing a lot of work on myself...trying to get over stuff, dealing with anxiety and depression and really trying to be happy. Something kept holding me back. Preventing me from achieving the joy I knew was out there. Sobriety was the missing link.
The past 10.5 months havebeen the best in my adult life. I don't care about the label of alcoholic or not...I care about living the best life possible.
Alcohol causes depression and anxiety...neither of these emotions haunt me today.
I found Allan Carrs book on quitting drink king helpful.
I hope you stick around.
You remind me quite a bit of myself. I was doing a lot of work on myself...trying to get over stuff, dealing with anxiety and depression and really trying to be happy. Something kept holding me back. Preventing me from achieving the joy I knew was out there. Sobriety was the missing link.
The past 10.5 months havebeen the best in my adult life. I don't care about the label of alcoholic or not...I care about living the best life possible.
Alcohol causes depression and anxiety...neither of these emotions haunt me today.
I found Allan Carrs book on quitting drink king helpful.
I hope you stick around.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 609
Alcoholism tends to be progressive. Early in my drinking career, I drank one to two drinks per session. Then I began saving them up for binges. Those binges in time became more frequent, to almost daily.
Maybe your therapist thinks that if you can find better coping mechanisms now, make some lifestyle modifications, you can cut back on the drinking and if she recommends that, it is definitely worth making the effort.
If you do try and still struggle, it may be in your best interests to start looking at some abstinence based programs.
End stage alcoholism entails a lot of suffering for the alcoholic and those around them, it wastes and ruins lives, if you can take preventive measures now you don't have to go that road. There are many positive reasons to give up alcohol. Sometimes maybe we get too caught up in definitions of alcoholism, what is and what isn't a 'real' alcoholic, much of it informed by stereotype - many people are not convinced they have it until they are critically end stage, but to me what it really comes down to is the mental obsession and outlook, it is more than the external factors and consequences.
Once you have alcoholism, and have crossed that line, there's pretty much no reversing that process. You have it and however it was caused you need to make plans to address it.
Maybe your therapist thinks that if you can find better coping mechanisms now, make some lifestyle modifications, you can cut back on the drinking and if she recommends that, it is definitely worth making the effort.
If you do try and still struggle, it may be in your best interests to start looking at some abstinence based programs.
End stage alcoholism entails a lot of suffering for the alcoholic and those around them, it wastes and ruins lives, if you can take preventive measures now you don't have to go that road. There are many positive reasons to give up alcohol. Sometimes maybe we get too caught up in definitions of alcoholism, what is and what isn't a 'real' alcoholic, much of it informed by stereotype - many people are not convinced they have it until they are critically end stage, but to me what it really comes down to is the mental obsession and outlook, it is more than the external factors and consequences.
Once you have alcoholism, and have crossed that line, there's pretty much no reversing that process. You have it and however it was caused you need to make plans to address it.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Epic fail :(
I think this is going to be a long post but please bear with me because I really need help.
I failed miserably at my goal of limiting myself to 2 drinks!!! On Friday night I did okay, I had 2 glasses of wine at a dinner get-together that my co-worker had, and then my friend and I were going out for her birthday and I told her I would be DD and I had 2 more drinks, a lemon-drop and a vodka OJ when we first got to the club and then nothing else. I know I was “stretching” it by saying 2 drinks at each event rather than 2 drinks all night, but it was still much better than I normally do, I was so proud of myself and on Saturday I got up early and went running with a friend and it felt so nice to not have a hangover or any regrets about the night before. I was even thinking, as someone else mentioned on this thread, that it might be easier to just not drink for awhile than to worry about moderating, and that maybe I told myself 2 drinks because that still allows me to relax and open up around people, but really I’d rather work on being comfortable with myself and around people without having to drink anything. I started to realize I don’t drink because I enjoy the taste or anything in particular about alcohol… except that a cold beer on a hot day is refreshing, and a frozen drink on the beach or by the pool is nice… but usually I’m just drinking because I like or need? the feeling that I get from drinking. So what is the point of just a drink or two, if it gives me a buzz then I’m not really addressing the issue and if it doesn’t then really what is the point, I should just drink water or whatever.
So anyway last night I went to my good friend’s house, the one I was saying is very healthy and stable, and I thought it was going to be a tame night, her parents-in-law were in town visiting and they had invited me for dinner with the family. I had a beer and then a vodka soda with dinner and then after dinner my friend’s brother-in-law went in to get another vodka soda and to get me another too and it all went out the window!!! I think I thought to myself “two drinks…” for about a second and then it was as if I had never even decided to do that. It was like it was some kind of silly little joke I had been playing on myself or like I hadn’t seriously meant it, or something. I guess I should have told my friend about my goal in advance. Because obviously I cannot be accountable to myself and it was as if I hadn’t really meant to limit myself to 2 drinks and I could just go on drinking as normal.
Then the parents-in-law went to bed and her brother-in-law said we should go have a drink at a nearby bar. Another friend texted me that she was going to a bar in the area so we went there too and my first friend said she wanted to do drunken karaoke. This is the one that doesn’t drink much and rarely gets drunk but she has been having marital issues and I realized she saw me as the fun friend to go out and forget about her problems with, and it’s like I felt guilty not drinking, so I drank! What kind of sense does that make? And I didn’t just drink, I really drank! Shots, the works. We were all very drunk and I ended up hooking up with her brother-in-law!! I’m so embarrassed. I never would have done that when sober, I only make these stupid decisions when I’m drunk!
So this morning I felt so awful, I seriously was wondering if I might have gotten alcohol poisoning, I wanted to talk to my sister but when she called me I was sleeping because I felt so crappy, and then she had to leave for her plans so I haven’t gotten to talk to her all day. I just don’t understand how I could go and have what was close to a record-breaking binge after deciding to moderate. What does that mean?? It’s like my brain was rebelling against its own plan or something.
All day I was thinking, wow I must really have a problem, this is another example of me drinking more than I intend and doing stupid stuff and messing up my life. I would normally have had a bloody mary for the hangover but I didn’t, I just think I need to not drink at all for awhile, a month or something, and see how it feels. I think I’m not ready/able? to say I’m never going to drink again or I don’t want to ever drink again… maybe I’m naïve or scared or both but I still have hope that I can moderate it and get it under control but for right now I obviously can’t. As someone in the thread said I have to admit I have a problem and try to change things without worrying about trying to name it or label it. The funny thing is that I feel that if I went for awhile without drinking it would feel very good and I wouldn’t even want to drink. But right now I am so afraid to not drink! I’m afraid I’m an alcoholic and everything that means, I’m afraid I will fail if I try not to drink, and mostly I’m afraid to cope with issues in my life right now without alcohol!!! I know that’s exactly why I need to do just that, but man is it hard. Ever since I consciously decided I’m giving up drinking for awhile, I have felt so sad and depressed and lonely! Is this normal??
I am so confused because I was doing well at addressing issues in my life and trying to improve my life and I was feeling happy sometimes for the first time in a really long time. Now that I realize the extent of this alcohol problem and that I need to cut it out, I feel the opposite—so down and depressed and hopeless. I realize I was turning to alcohol as an escape. So now I won’t have my escape. Is everything going to be painful and hurt so bad now? I just kept thinking all day about all the stupid decisions I’ve made with my life, especially decisions made while drinking but just an overall pattern of making bad decisions and not knowing how to handle problems. I really don’t want to get down on myself because my optimism was all I had going for me. I was thinking that I would just stay positive and start consciously trying to live the life I want to live instead of the life I had been living. Now while looking at doing that without drinking I feel rather hopeless, like everything is pointless and I will never have a good life. I don’t know if this is mostly my regret about last night (of course I usually feel depressed the day after I drink a lot) or if it’s a bigger issue where I need to go find a new therapist or maybe take anti-depressants or something (doesn’t seem to make sense to start meds because I quit drinking… but I really worry that I was self-medicating or something and that without drinking when I’m feeling bad, I’ll just go crazy or something.)
Is it normal to feel really depressed when you decide not to drink anymore? Does the feeling get better or worse? I don’t know what I should expect. I think I’m in shock that it’s a much bigger problem than I thought, than I let on to my therapist or anyone else, including myself, and even than I realized it was. I think I’m really scared about what it means and what the heck is wrong with me.
Thank you so much for reading this far. I don’t know you guys but I feel like you’ve helped me a lot already and now I need to talk more.
PS I keep thinking about how different last night would have been if I hadn't been drinking. It makes me wonder how different my whole life would be now if I had never started drinking.
I just feel mad at myself and depressed.
I failed miserably at my goal of limiting myself to 2 drinks!!! On Friday night I did okay, I had 2 glasses of wine at a dinner get-together that my co-worker had, and then my friend and I were going out for her birthday and I told her I would be DD and I had 2 more drinks, a lemon-drop and a vodka OJ when we first got to the club and then nothing else. I know I was “stretching” it by saying 2 drinks at each event rather than 2 drinks all night, but it was still much better than I normally do, I was so proud of myself and on Saturday I got up early and went running with a friend and it felt so nice to not have a hangover or any regrets about the night before. I was even thinking, as someone else mentioned on this thread, that it might be easier to just not drink for awhile than to worry about moderating, and that maybe I told myself 2 drinks because that still allows me to relax and open up around people, but really I’d rather work on being comfortable with myself and around people without having to drink anything. I started to realize I don’t drink because I enjoy the taste or anything in particular about alcohol… except that a cold beer on a hot day is refreshing, and a frozen drink on the beach or by the pool is nice… but usually I’m just drinking because I like or need? the feeling that I get from drinking. So what is the point of just a drink or two, if it gives me a buzz then I’m not really addressing the issue and if it doesn’t then really what is the point, I should just drink water or whatever.
So anyway last night I went to my good friend’s house, the one I was saying is very healthy and stable, and I thought it was going to be a tame night, her parents-in-law were in town visiting and they had invited me for dinner with the family. I had a beer and then a vodka soda with dinner and then after dinner my friend’s brother-in-law went in to get another vodka soda and to get me another too and it all went out the window!!! I think I thought to myself “two drinks…” for about a second and then it was as if I had never even decided to do that. It was like it was some kind of silly little joke I had been playing on myself or like I hadn’t seriously meant it, or something. I guess I should have told my friend about my goal in advance. Because obviously I cannot be accountable to myself and it was as if I hadn’t really meant to limit myself to 2 drinks and I could just go on drinking as normal.
Then the parents-in-law went to bed and her brother-in-law said we should go have a drink at a nearby bar. Another friend texted me that she was going to a bar in the area so we went there too and my first friend said she wanted to do drunken karaoke. This is the one that doesn’t drink much and rarely gets drunk but she has been having marital issues and I realized she saw me as the fun friend to go out and forget about her problems with, and it’s like I felt guilty not drinking, so I drank! What kind of sense does that make? And I didn’t just drink, I really drank! Shots, the works. We were all very drunk and I ended up hooking up with her brother-in-law!! I’m so embarrassed. I never would have done that when sober, I only make these stupid decisions when I’m drunk!
So this morning I felt so awful, I seriously was wondering if I might have gotten alcohol poisoning, I wanted to talk to my sister but when she called me I was sleeping because I felt so crappy, and then she had to leave for her plans so I haven’t gotten to talk to her all day. I just don’t understand how I could go and have what was close to a record-breaking binge after deciding to moderate. What does that mean?? It’s like my brain was rebelling against its own plan or something.
All day I was thinking, wow I must really have a problem, this is another example of me drinking more than I intend and doing stupid stuff and messing up my life. I would normally have had a bloody mary for the hangover but I didn’t, I just think I need to not drink at all for awhile, a month or something, and see how it feels. I think I’m not ready/able? to say I’m never going to drink again or I don’t want to ever drink again… maybe I’m naïve or scared or both but I still have hope that I can moderate it and get it under control but for right now I obviously can’t. As someone in the thread said I have to admit I have a problem and try to change things without worrying about trying to name it or label it. The funny thing is that I feel that if I went for awhile without drinking it would feel very good and I wouldn’t even want to drink. But right now I am so afraid to not drink! I’m afraid I’m an alcoholic and everything that means, I’m afraid I will fail if I try not to drink, and mostly I’m afraid to cope with issues in my life right now without alcohol!!! I know that’s exactly why I need to do just that, but man is it hard. Ever since I consciously decided I’m giving up drinking for awhile, I have felt so sad and depressed and lonely! Is this normal??
I am so confused because I was doing well at addressing issues in my life and trying to improve my life and I was feeling happy sometimes for the first time in a really long time. Now that I realize the extent of this alcohol problem and that I need to cut it out, I feel the opposite—so down and depressed and hopeless. I realize I was turning to alcohol as an escape. So now I won’t have my escape. Is everything going to be painful and hurt so bad now? I just kept thinking all day about all the stupid decisions I’ve made with my life, especially decisions made while drinking but just an overall pattern of making bad decisions and not knowing how to handle problems. I really don’t want to get down on myself because my optimism was all I had going for me. I was thinking that I would just stay positive and start consciously trying to live the life I want to live instead of the life I had been living. Now while looking at doing that without drinking I feel rather hopeless, like everything is pointless and I will never have a good life. I don’t know if this is mostly my regret about last night (of course I usually feel depressed the day after I drink a lot) or if it’s a bigger issue where I need to go find a new therapist or maybe take anti-depressants or something (doesn’t seem to make sense to start meds because I quit drinking… but I really worry that I was self-medicating or something and that without drinking when I’m feeling bad, I’ll just go crazy or something.)
Is it normal to feel really depressed when you decide not to drink anymore? Does the feeling get better or worse? I don’t know what I should expect. I think I’m in shock that it’s a much bigger problem than I thought, than I let on to my therapist or anyone else, including myself, and even than I realized it was. I think I’m really scared about what it means and what the heck is wrong with me.
Thank you so much for reading this far. I don’t know you guys but I feel like you’ve helped me a lot already and now I need to talk more.
PS I keep thinking about how different last night would have been if I hadn't been drinking. It makes me wonder how different my whole life would be now if I had never started drinking.
I just feel mad at myself and depressed.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 13
Hi Pigtails,
I hate to sound cliche, but it sounds like you are hearing a "whisper", you are questioning your drinking habits. Something is tapping you on the shoulder, and that is great that you are paying attention. Don't wait for the brick in the face, like I did. If you can curtail it now and moderate, you may be able to enjoy alcohol responsibly. I know that quitting altogether can be a scary thought. I was scared for years, didn't know how I would live without my drink. But what I didn't realize was that living a life of lonliness, isolation, guilt, shame, being physically and mentally sick, basically living in hell...was far scarier than being sober. I have been on and off the wagon for years, but this time I mean it. I have to, my life depends on it. You still have time to sort this out before you completely spiral down on the crazy train! Good luck my dear!
I hate to sound cliche, but it sounds like you are hearing a "whisper", you are questioning your drinking habits. Something is tapping you on the shoulder, and that is great that you are paying attention. Don't wait for the brick in the face, like I did. If you can curtail it now and moderate, you may be able to enjoy alcohol responsibly. I know that quitting altogether can be a scary thought. I was scared for years, didn't know how I would live without my drink. But what I didn't realize was that living a life of lonliness, isolation, guilt, shame, being physically and mentally sick, basically living in hell...was far scarier than being sober. I have been on and off the wagon for years, but this time I mean it. I have to, my life depends on it. You still have time to sort this out before you completely spiral down on the crazy train! Good luck my dear!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Originally Posted by lisa888
Hi Pigtails,
I hate to sound cliche, but it sounds like you are hearing a "whisper", you are questioning your drinking habits. Something is tapping you on the shoulder, and that is great that you are paying attention. Don't wait for the brick in the face, like I did. If you can curtail it now and moderate, you may be able to enjoy alcohol responsibly. I know that quitting altogether can be a scary thought. I was scared for years, didn't know how I would live without my drink. But what I didn't realize was that living a life of lonliness, isolation, guilt, shame, being physically and mentally sick, basically living in hell...was far scarier than being sober. I have been on and off the wagon for years, but this time I mean it. I have to, my life depends on it. You still have time to sort this out before you completely spiral down on the crazy train! Good luck my dear!
I hate to sound cliche, but it sounds like you are hearing a "whisper", you are questioning your drinking habits. Something is tapping you on the shoulder, and that is great that you are paying attention. Don't wait for the brick in the face, like I did. If you can curtail it now and moderate, you may be able to enjoy alcohol responsibly. I know that quitting altogether can be a scary thought. I was scared for years, didn't know how I would live without my drink. But what I didn't realize was that living a life of lonliness, isolation, guilt, shame, being physically and mentally sick, basically living in hell...was far scarier than being sober. I have been on and off the wagon for years, but this time I mean it. I have to, my life depends on it. You still have time to sort this out before you completely spiral down on the crazy train! Good luck my dear!
Recently I have tried hard to make positive changes and improve my life and I've lost 5 pounds by following an exercise program (not even as well as I should/mean to, but it's a start). I know that if I take out the alcohol and the time spent drinking it I could exercise even more, and more seriously, and be better able to watch what I eat and eat healthy... I could focus more at work and I could spend time alone at home which is what i need to do but for some reason is the thing I'm most afraid of. I've realized I'm uncomfortable being alone with myself and that alcohol helps ease that discomfort. I need to deal with it a different way, as in, just fix it and get over it. Thank you for the help. I appreciate being able to "talk" about this.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 13
Hey Pigtails,
It helps to talk about all of this. I don't claim to be an expert, I have failed time and time again. Only you can determine if this is a problem for you, but if you can benefit from my experience, I would impart the following:
I read some (but not all) of your posts, but it sounds like you did not succeed with moderating, the two drinks. When you start to make "rules" for drinking, you could be teetering. I used to do the same thing, but for me one is too many and 20 is not enough. You do things you regret, you are beating yourself up, the self loathing has kicked in, but then you feed into the viscious cycle.
It got to a point for me where the drink controlled my life, it was like having a jealous lover that I had to rush home to. I used to go out, but after my DUI arrest, I kept my drinking at home so I didn't have to drive (really responsible, NOT). I just didn't want to get it. It just kept spiraling out of control, I made bad decisions, put myself in bad situations, just mess after mess. I used to think I drank because I enjoyed it, it was fun, but eventually it was not fun anymore. It was hell, torture, because I needed it to survive and I would have constant anxiety about where and when I could pour the next drink down my throat. I have always felt comfortable with myself, but I did look at the reasons why I drank and there are many and I had to dig deep.
If you feel like you need the booze to feel comfortable in your own skin, then I hate to say it, but you could be setting yourself up for disaster. I am a very shy and quiet person and people always used to think I was a "snot" because I didn't speak to them and I was not outgoing, the booze changed all that, but then I was dependent on it. To the point where I couldn't go anywhere or do anything without being lit up. I was constantly chasing this high, a false sense of security, only to come crashing completely down. it sucked. If you can get through some sobriety, maybe a week or two, you will see the subtle changes. You will start to really like yourself, you will have time to cultivate your interests and hobbies, rediscover who you are.
When you are medicating with alcohol, you are not being your true self and you cannot succeed when you are trying to be someone you are not. I also understand your predicament, I have been there and I needed to go to the depths of hell to realize I needed help. All hope had to go out the window, like I said, I needed the brick in the face. People talk about hitting rock bottom, that will be unique for every individual. It pains me because I wish I could help others, spare you from what I experienced, but I can't. All I can do is be here for you listen, talk, give you my feedback. I am so glad you are here and willing to listen.
This last bout I had on my crazy train was precipitated by the death of my best friend (he had a terminal illness), but it really got to me and I picked up the drink again. I felt so guilty because I knew how mad he would be if he were still here and knew I was drinking. There were a lot of things that followed and while his death devastated me so badly, I also feel that he is partially the reason why I finally got help. We are never guaranteed tomorrow and if I wasn't so busy getting wasted, I wouldn't have wasted so much time.
It helps to talk about all of this. I don't claim to be an expert, I have failed time and time again. Only you can determine if this is a problem for you, but if you can benefit from my experience, I would impart the following:
I read some (but not all) of your posts, but it sounds like you did not succeed with moderating, the two drinks. When you start to make "rules" for drinking, you could be teetering. I used to do the same thing, but for me one is too many and 20 is not enough. You do things you regret, you are beating yourself up, the self loathing has kicked in, but then you feed into the viscious cycle.
It got to a point for me where the drink controlled my life, it was like having a jealous lover that I had to rush home to. I used to go out, but after my DUI arrest, I kept my drinking at home so I didn't have to drive (really responsible, NOT). I just didn't want to get it. It just kept spiraling out of control, I made bad decisions, put myself in bad situations, just mess after mess. I used to think I drank because I enjoyed it, it was fun, but eventually it was not fun anymore. It was hell, torture, because I needed it to survive and I would have constant anxiety about where and when I could pour the next drink down my throat. I have always felt comfortable with myself, but I did look at the reasons why I drank and there are many and I had to dig deep.
If you feel like you need the booze to feel comfortable in your own skin, then I hate to say it, but you could be setting yourself up for disaster. I am a very shy and quiet person and people always used to think I was a "snot" because I didn't speak to them and I was not outgoing, the booze changed all that, but then I was dependent on it. To the point where I couldn't go anywhere or do anything without being lit up. I was constantly chasing this high, a false sense of security, only to come crashing completely down. it sucked. If you can get through some sobriety, maybe a week or two, you will see the subtle changes. You will start to really like yourself, you will have time to cultivate your interests and hobbies, rediscover who you are.
When you are medicating with alcohol, you are not being your true self and you cannot succeed when you are trying to be someone you are not. I also understand your predicament, I have been there and I needed to go to the depths of hell to realize I needed help. All hope had to go out the window, like I said, I needed the brick in the face. People talk about hitting rock bottom, that will be unique for every individual. It pains me because I wish I could help others, spare you from what I experienced, but I can't. All I can do is be here for you listen, talk, give you my feedback. I am so glad you are here and willing to listen.
This last bout I had on my crazy train was precipitated by the death of my best friend (he had a terminal illness), but it really got to me and I picked up the drink again. I felt so guilty because I knew how mad he would be if he were still here and knew I was drinking. There were a lot of things that followed and while his death devastated me so badly, I also feel that he is partially the reason why I finally got help. We are never guaranteed tomorrow and if I wasn't so busy getting wasted, I wouldn't have wasted so much time.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
You're in good company here pigtails - most of us have found that we can't really control our alcohol intake, and we all regret uncharacteristic things we've done drunk....
the thing is whats done is done. We can't change yesterday much as we want to....but we can work hard to make sure today is a good day
I think swearing off the booze, if only even for a month for now, will really help you define your problem a little more - it's a good decision
D
the thing is whats done is done. We can't change yesterday much as we want to....but we can work hard to make sure today is a good day
I think swearing off the booze, if only even for a month for now, will really help you define your problem a little more - it's a good decision
D
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 609
Yes I think you should consider some time off alcohol completely, that is what a lot of moderation based programs also recommend, that you give yourself a break from alcohol for one or two months to allow your system to adjust, clear your thoughts and get a better perspective. From what I've seen however, continuing with experiments that don't work out doesn't have good consequences.
It is normal to feel depressed and some sense of loss in the beginning, but if you have help it does get better.
It is normal to feel depressed and some sense of loss in the beginning, but if you have help it does get better.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi Pigtails - I feel for you, having spent many "day afters" dealing with regret over my drinking. What I see in your posts is a lot of honesty and desire to face your issues, and I commend you for that. I also recognize myself in your posts, always thinking about things. I used to see the detail on the bark of the trees and miss the forest altogether, especially when it came to drinking. (Sobriety has made it all so much simpler!)
I know it's difficult to come to grips with the possibility that you might have a problem and may not be able to moderate your drinking. It's hard for all of us to face the idea of getting sober. I was soooo scared when I first posted. Afraid to fail and afraid to succeed, too. That's probably why I spent years trying over and over again to moderate.
In the end, I had to admit defeat. BUT......... it was the best thing I ever did.
I have confidence that you'll figure it out, Pigtails.
I know it's difficult to come to grips with the possibility that you might have a problem and may not be able to moderate your drinking. It's hard for all of us to face the idea of getting sober. I was soooo scared when I first posted. Afraid to fail and afraid to succeed, too. That's probably why I spent years trying over and over again to moderate.
In the end, I had to admit defeat. BUT......... it was the best thing I ever did.
I have confidence that you'll figure it out, Pigtails.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, Pigtails,
I worked very seriously at moderation for four and a half years before I finally threw in the towel and decided to quit (almost three years sober, now, and I intend with the help of AA never to drink again).
What I found out during those four and a half years (which involved a lot of planning, measuring drinks, counting drinks, etc.) was that I wanna get DRUNK, dammit! I can moderate my drinking for brief periods of time, but not consistently or reliably. I became physically addicted to alcohol and went through withdrawal when I quit. When I was "successful" at moderating, I wasn't enjoying the drinking, because it wasn't giving me what I wanted. As soon as I drank the way I'd come to want to drink, I'd be drinking to oblivion every night.
I found quitting altogether to be much less stressful than trying to ride a horse that is out of control. There ARE adjustments to be made. It's not comfortable in the beginning. Given how significant a part of your life the parties and work get-togethers are, you may need to make some very big adjustments at first. I avoided all drinking occasions except those that were absolutely crucial in the beginning. And if I had to go, I had a plan to arrive late, leave early, have my own transportation. It's easy to ask for something like club soda with a splash of cranberry juice or a twist at the bar. Nobody really cares what you are drinking, for the most part.
Good luck, I think if you quit you will be giving yourself a huge gift.
I worked very seriously at moderation for four and a half years before I finally threw in the towel and decided to quit (almost three years sober, now, and I intend with the help of AA never to drink again).
What I found out during those four and a half years (which involved a lot of planning, measuring drinks, counting drinks, etc.) was that I wanna get DRUNK, dammit! I can moderate my drinking for brief periods of time, but not consistently or reliably. I became physically addicted to alcohol and went through withdrawal when I quit. When I was "successful" at moderating, I wasn't enjoying the drinking, because it wasn't giving me what I wanted. As soon as I drank the way I'd come to want to drink, I'd be drinking to oblivion every night.
I found quitting altogether to be much less stressful than trying to ride a horse that is out of control. There ARE adjustments to be made. It's not comfortable in the beginning. Given how significant a part of your life the parties and work get-togethers are, you may need to make some very big adjustments at first. I avoided all drinking occasions except those that were absolutely crucial in the beginning. And if I had to go, I had a plan to arrive late, leave early, have my own transportation. It's easy to ask for something like club soda with a splash of cranberry juice or a twist at the bar. Nobody really cares what you are drinking, for the most part.
Good luck, I think if you quit you will be giving yourself a huge gift.
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