Scrubmuncher

Hi, I joined today as I am in desperate need of some kind of out. I keep putting myself in situations when drunk that I know I will regret, but it is like some form of self harm. I have recently got drunk and started phoning people I barely know telling them alsorts of lies, just for someone to talk to for that moment. The other night I went and knocked on some neighbours doors to tell them I had seen someone climbing the garden fence, I hadn't, I just wanted someone to talk to for that moment, even if brief.
I don't drink every day but when I do I get slaughtered, well and truly. This is now effecting my parents as I have started calling and knocking on thier doors talking crap, really bad stuff.
I'm the most relaxed and down to earth guy you can meet when sober, but I am getting worse and very dangerous as I get older.
A few years ago I got so drunk and lonely I cut my finger off just to take my mind away from being so lonely and otherworldly.
I've always contemplated suicide but I know better times come back eventually. But I can not live like this. Hiding in my bed all week afraid to leave the house for fear of what I may have done or said when drunk. I just don't know how to deal with getting out of the house this time, I'm terrified.

artsoul

Welcome Scrub - There's something called the Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde syndrome that some alcoholics experience, which is a dramatic change in personality after consuming a lot of alcohol. I've seen many people post about it here and they can help you a little more with that aspect of it.

Of course, there may be other things as well (lots of us medicated for anxiety, depression, bipolar, etc.). Alcohol also creates it's own version of depression and anxiety. Have you shared any of these things, or your drinking history, with a doctor?

Obviously, the main thing is to stop drinking. We're here to support you on that. We know what it's like to be stuck in that vicious cycle. You don't have to live like that anymore.........

JoeCree

This forum is an excellent place to seek sound advice and friendly help. However your post has some troubling mentions; finger cut off, hiding in bed all week, etc.... These are serious issues and my advice beyond obviously trying to get sober, would be that you need to seek medical help from a doctor.

Your actions from drinking are scaring you, but often drinking releases inhibitions in us all and makes us do things we would prefer forget. Your issues and scaring you and rightfully so, but I wonder if even the alcohol is the underlying issue. Please seek help from a doctor.

Dee74

Hi Scrubmuncher

Welcome to SR - I know you'll find a lot of support here.

I agree that seeing a doctor or a counsellor may be a good start for you.

I used to say mad things - not so much for attention as for simple contact with people.

Have also you considered some face to face recovery groups like AA or SMART may be helpful to you as well?

D

EmeraldRose

Welcome Scrub!

SomethingBetter

Hi Scrubmuncher, there is a lot of good people here, keep posting and welcome

Scrubmuncher

Thankyou all. I'll try to answer some of your thoughts to give you a bit of background.
I had drink and drug issues since around the age of 15, 16. I went through several years of smoking pot and drinking, a few other drugs, LSD, Ecstacy, coke and a brief visit into smack addiction which only took around 6or7 months of my life from day one to complete recovery.
I stopped drugs pretty much all together when I went through a breakdown. I was drinking and on prescription Amatryptiline (?), kind of broke me down into a quivering mess. I seemed to hit rock bottom pathetic and found that I had unwaringly kicked drugs.
I saw a CPN for some time, allowed him into my deepest thoughts, my life. Eventually we got close as I got better, I got so well I had a long term girlfriend with child. Really happy. I invited him to visit us in Spain, have a free vacation, he did so, within 4 weeks I had found he had ran away with my girl and daughter, so my confidence in opening up to these people is not very strong.
I self harmed a lot at a young age. I grew out of it, but found as an older confused person I take my worries out on myself now with quite dramatic results, I can't tell you some of the things I've done to myself to try to give me some peace.
But this drinking cycle just stays with me. I don't drink every day, but when I do I drink so much that I am I'll for days afterwards, hiding afraid to leave my bed for fear of what I may have done. Litterat no memory, I could have killed someone and I wouldn't know it. That is very frightening for me, and I have no control at all.
It is a very lonely world for me, drinking is the only thing that makes me feel I can fit in somewhere.

Opivotal

Welcome Scrub.... I'm sorry your going through such a terrible time. Seems like when you drink everything you don't want to happen...happens. I know lots of people who regret the things they've said and done while drinking. Myself included. It WAS horrible and I was ashamed of myself but couldn't seem to stop. That is until the day I couldn't continue any longer to destroy myself. It has to come from you very soul. Something deep inside just clicks into place. I think its survival. IDK

Please take care and look into some support for yourself. Try AA. or Smart, Counseling, anything that will help you turn your life around. Maybe a visit to you Doctor will help you get a plan in place.

Of course we're always here to lend support.

Best Wishes to You!

Scrubmuncher

I keep wondering what the sign is that I've hit rock bottom. They say you have to hit the bottom before you can get back up and better. With the drugs I did and it was obvious, that did as you said 'click into place', I left it behind and without much trouble in the end.
But I am lost for what the sign is with alcohol, I've been bottom feeding for years, I can't get and lower but there appears to not be that out that was there with the drugs. I can't find the escape hatch to get me out of this.

Did anyone have a certain sign or thing that happened that snapped them out of it?
I'd love to know what I'm looking for.

artsoul

I "hit bottom" by deciding I didn't want to go any further down the road of alcoholism. I didn't want to find out what my bottom would be I guess. Why drink until something tragic happens?

There's a part of us that wants to stop, but we're so used to being run around by the alcoholic mind. That's why support is so important - we don't know that our lives could be so much better and we needs others to give us the hope we don't have at the time.

I guess what I'm saying is that your "bottom" is up to you. You can stop sooner rather than later..... and if you read the posts here, most wish they had stopped sooner.

MsCooterBrown

I too did not want to get further down. I will never understand what happened other than my body started reacting different the last two years of hard core drinking. I don't feel like I was drinking more than I always did...but I started getting extreme anxiety and I also didn't want to be who I was in my skin! I don't want to sound like I wanted suicide..more that I was liking myself less and less. I isolated alot..went to work..managed that..then came home and I lost all interest in being with people. I drank alone ALOT. I was drinking to get drunk to be able to deal with how miserable I felt..vicious cycle that I see alot of other people went through too! I spose that was my bottom..Once I had a couple of months sober..I lost the anxiety (actually felt better by the 3rd week) and it was a difference of night and day as to how I felt. I feel content for the 1st time in a LONG time. I wish that for you as well. Keep posting..someone is always here.

Chris2011

Scrub....rock bottom is different for some of us...mine is losing control of my life, allowing one night of drinking to not keep up with ANYTHING. I fake it ok, but I am a mess for days after. We are the only ones that can stop the cycle. Please seek out help an release you have lots to live for. Believe these people here....the too have been thru a lot and are living proof. Keep on the forum and read...listen...you can do it.

CarolD

When my drinking turned me into a woman I detested
I went to AA and it's been working well for me...

I too was a blackout drinker who took many dangerous actions
the good news is....no more alcohol equaled no more blackouts.

Welcome to SR....

Kjell

Hi Scrub-

It sounds to me, clear as day, that you simply need someone else do your thinking for you for a bit.

Our problems lie directly in our minds.

Hook up with some folks in AA who know how to get and stay sober and let them show you a new way to live.

One in which you won't harm yourself (or others).

Kjell~

Anna

Hi Scrub,

Drinking made me say and do things that I never would have done if I was sober. The longer it went on, the more I hated myself and it just became a vicious cycle. I believed that I did not deserve anything better. I was very low when I hit bottom, but one thing I remember vividly is that I no longer had to exhaust myself trying to figure out who I had talked to and what I had done.

EmeraldRose

Like was said, rock bottom is different for all...I lost my job but had been drinking for 30 years. Alot happened in that time. Alot of thoughts and emotions raised thru those years and none I believe now were really real. Oh sure, I went thru the motions and considered myself a functioning drunk. But if your head is in a fog you aren't truly functioning.
I want the clarity to hold a real relationship with my family. Not that I 'hurt' anyone but I was living in a lie. I want to have a 'real' life without the extra baggage of booze.
I headed to rehab and have found it the best move my sober but could do. I think you need to talk to others and share feelings and get it all out.
Find a local AA...that will help you tremensly. Just don't give up.

least

Welcome to a wonderful recovery site.

My bottom was mental - I hated myself and my life and wished I would just die and be done with it. I relapsed too many times but always came back and tried again... and now I have over a year sober. I'd suggest a good face to face support, counseling or AA or something. Do'nt give up on yourself. LIving sober really rocks!

coffeenut

Welcome to SR. I hope you keep reading and posting.

Scrubmuncher

Yeh, I relate to that solo much, I've been in bed for days now exhausted from my mind going over what is real and happened last time I drank or whether if happened years ago and is playing tricks on my mind, or even whether it happened at all and it is only a stuPid passing thought I once had. Yeh, exhausted, just need to run away again.
Thanks all.

elfgirl

Scrub, I'm pretty new here. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks for me- but I've gone months, almost a year, without drinking before so I feel like it's somewhat meaningless. The only difference this time is that *I* have decided I'm done. I didn't have any dramatic rock-bottom moment, just went out drinking with my brother and had yet another blackout. Woke up with a bunch of mystery bruises and thought I remembered the night, only to realize as the day went on that I don't remember much of it at all. I, too, struggle with half-memories and it is so exhausting wondering how much of what I think I remember actually happened, or if it was just some random thought I had, or if it was something someone else did or said. I just can't do this to myself any more-- but I will tell you I am scared to death thinking that because I didn't have a big dramatic "bottom" I will relapse. For now I'm living in the present, not drinking today, and not planning to drink tomorrow. When I think about the more distant future, what it would be like if I did opt to continue justifying drinking, I can easily see myself being more and more out of control, losing my marriage, losing my kids, being so overwhelmed with the guilt and shame of it all... I don't like who I am when I'm drunk. I don't get anything out of drinking any more. It isn't fun any more. So the very least I can do is give sobriety a fair shot.

I wish you all the best in this- and I welcome you to the group. I've found amazing support here in only 2 weeks, and I hope you find the same!!