fragrantrose

Hi everyone
here I am AGAIN after another relapse I am finding it just so hard to beat this disease..when had 4 year stretch of abstinence (but then switched to codependency++) it was much easier to put drink down. Now I am fighting the mental obsession every day. (Although I am obsessive by nature)
I have strong family history of alcoholism, suffer anxiety/depression and have a fatty liver now..excaberation of these conditions does not seem to be enough to put the drink down. Work in healthcare and my performance definately suffers if i have had a bottle the night before..all i can manage to do is turn up and pray i dont make a mistake and harm anyone.
I am a cheap drunk with a low tolerance now and Xmas eve drank only a bottle and can only remember patchy parts of beginning of evening..ashamed to say woke up in ex partners bed
I have read a lot on this disease and tick most of the boxes except am not a morning drinker,can sometimes control when out (depends who i am with).. but that triggers off mental obsession and bottle of wine quickly by myself one or two days later. I am 53 now,used to be blackout drinker in my 20's
but losing most of a night after only one bottle is very SCARY ..can anyone relate???

fragrantrose

Is my post really lame?? Am I not "hard core"enough? Have i worn out my welcome? Or am i just over reacting? (have not had any responses yet)!!!
I am so anxious about blackout and just looking for confirmation about progression as need hard ammunition to keep me away from this poison. Trying to read big book, but my concentration is poor today.Usually love to read .. I am just so desperate to really GET it..so sick of myself
P.S did manage 109 days this past year when liver enzymes were up in the 200's (should all be under 50)
Thanks in advance.. looking forward to some sharp responses to help WAKE me up to the dangers of this poison.

Vanilla28

hey fragrant rose. most people are probably off doing xmas stuff and cant get to the boards...with that said, i didnt black out very often, but occationaly i would, even if would drink the same amount as i usually.

i dont really have much information on the subject, just didnt want you to think everyone was ignoring you lol

Vanilla28

have you googled it? there is lots of information out there, or talk to your doctor maybe?

Live

things will pick up after Christmas is over...most people are busy with the Holidays.

Sasha4

I used to find that there were other factors that needing taking into account when blacking out.

For example - how tired I was, how much I had eaten etc etc. If I was really tired I might black out after two drinks. If I was alert and had eaten well I could drink forever and not black out.

The most important thing is though - from your post - drinking does not seem to be making you happy. Trust me I have been there waking up in the morning not knowing where or who you are with.

Maybe, and this is what I did, you need to put your energy into looking after yourself and staying away from booze. That might be AA, SMART, whatever.
Instead of worrying about progessing you need to put all that power into looking after you.

At the moment, things are raw as you recover from the fallout from your actions. Plus drinking causes massive anxiety. If you stay away from drink for the next few days and consider your actions, I am sure you will start to feel better.

XX

Isaiah

Yes, my last relapse started with one bottle of wine that nearly blacked me out. Back when I was drinking regularly that would not have done the trick. So I guess I can relate, yes, but...

I don't know if my drinking has gotten progressive. That's the sort of thing I think I could only really figured out if I had a long pattern to establish it. And I know for me, the consequences I was getting, I do not want to risk it to figure that out.

LLCY52

The thing about a blackout is that you don't know when it will occur. It can occur after only one drink or one bottle.

The scary thing is that you dont' know what you are doing during that blackout. You could be driving and kill someone and not remember it.

Yes alcoholism is a progressive disease. Each time you reladpse and drink, your drinking is worse. I quit because I was terrified of either killing myself or someone else.

I also did an inpatient program. Most Healthcare empoyers have an EAP program which can assist you in getting sober.

If you are concerned that your alcoholism is progressing, then you probably know yourself that is has...Read some books. Under the Influence Is a good one. Join AA or Women for Sobriety.

Good Luck
Lou

least

Blackouts are not a good sign. I hope you can get and stay sober soon, before something really bad happens. I finally made a year sober and am happier than I've ever been. I hope you can find your way sober. It's really worth it.

Sasha4

Do you feel any better now?

Do you have any hopes or plans for the future?

I hope you feel less anxious and less unhappy.

We have all ben there. all of what you describe x 100

Just hoping you feel a bit better.

Remember we love you
xxxx

tjp613

Reading Under the Influence was a real eye-opener for me and there are excerpts from the book in the sticky section.

I do hope you find the courage to quit for good.

michelle01

I think that any blackouts are a cause for concern. In retrospect I nearly killed myself during blackouts.

Before continuing, would like to say that what's ahead isn't intended to be harsh and sorry if it does, I've been where you are myself (that's why I am here after all). When I'm reading your post, I am forming my own conclusions and have my concerns because this is high risk behavior, but I don't think any of us here are qualified to diagnose exactly where you are with all this. But by it's nature alcoholism ultimately is progressive.

I very rarely drank in the mornings, I don't care whether or not I tick all the boxes though for being an alcoholic, if I had waited for that I would indeed have been in bad shape, it was more the bigger picture of what was going on. As alcoholics though, sometimes we seem to lose the ability to see the bigger picture. The questionnaires that are published are intended as a general guide, they have their limitations and can't fully define.

When I was younger, I quit an addiction successfully largely through my own effort, but didn't resolve many emotional issues and the outcome was, I transferred that addiction to something else eventually, and it was much more stubborn to get rid of.

I didn't drink much when I first started, it progressed over time, it can be difficult to clearly define the stages. I figured that I was perhaps beginning to enter the end stage (looking back now there is no doubt, the state of my mental health deterioration at that time now frightens me, though I didn't have clear physical symptoms).

I had many 'rock bottom' moments, still kept drinking and 'digging deeper', it is the way that we follow them up that counts. This is a condition that I need to be aware and mindful of for the rest of my days. It is an ongoing work in progress as they say, and can't be accomplished in an instant.

Reading your post... I just don't know if this is where your focus should be at. I had many, many bad incidences from drinking. None of them were enough for me to stop drinking for more than a few days. It was when I took some constructive, affirmative action that things started to turn around. It doesn't need to be AA, there are other solid programs out there.

CarolD

This has info on blackouts
and other things..it's from the book that convinced me to stop.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html


I was about your age when I finally quit drinking
and Zap! gone were my blackouts....

Vi was corect...I was tardy in replying as I was at family celebrating Christmas.
You are 12 hours ahead of my time zone in the U.S.

fragrantrose

Yes I am feeling a little better now..apart from being disgusted with myself and having the awful anxiety/depression that are my main withdrawals. Read Under the influence a while back and I definately fit the description of "middle stage Alcoholic" but I do know that "one size does not fit all". It is not how much one drinks it is what it does to you..back to AA although feel like a bit of an imposter there, as dont drink 24/7 etc...but nevertheless it has now impaired my memory, and cannot learn new language this year as hoped... until several months sober. Also have read Allan carrs book on how to stop drinking..amazed though that he stated nil withdrawals ...I know that is false as what about hospitalisations for medical spervision of the DT's?.and i have anxiety/depression/sweats/crippling fatigue as my withdrawals.
A BIG THANKYOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR KIND REPLIES!!!!!I am so grateful that you are not sick of my whining about my relapses
any more thoughts on SCARY blackouts would be greatly appreciated though!

P.S This is day 2 for me and truly pray that "i am willing to go to any lengths"

Ainslie

Being 'downunder' and in a different timezone to most SR users sometimes means it takes a little longer to get responses

I had plenty of scary blackouts....some days they are the only thing stopping me from picking a drink back up.

Cottonwoodchris

Strange thing with me is, I did drink 24/7; morning, noon and night, and never had blackouts. But a 750Ml of vodka/ whisky/ rum (no wine, please) did finally put me in the hospital May 1, 2007. Total renal failure due to alcohol toxification. Kidney machine for 6 weeks, then God reached in and gave me a gift. My kidneys started working and liver recovered. 2 years later, I thought, "hey, it's OK, I can have just one" Oh how wrong that is. I wasn't drinking to get drunk, just to maintain! Keep from getting the shakes, all that stuff.

Even if you are a borderline alcoholic, you can't have "just one" I ended up picking up right where I left off. Bottle a day. September 1st this year, back to the ER. Boy, am I some kind of stupid. No, not stupid, an alcoholic. "one is too many and 1,000 is never enough" So I quit, again. January 1st will be 4 months now. And I feel great.

If you are blacking out, you need to stop. Period. And it's affecting your performance at work. Stop drinking. You could lose your job, house, way of living, and your life. Stop. Make it a New Years Solution. (I don't believe in re-solutions)

Anna

I had blackouts towards the end of my drinking days, and they were hugely scary. Imagine hours of life completely gone. Like you, I had anxiety issues and the blackouts caused huge anxiety and obsessive thoughts - what if I had...??

It was physical health issues that finally convinced me to stop drinking.

IrishGOPGirl

I had blackouts towards the end of my drinking as well. Periods of time or specific things I just did not remember. Scarier for me, though, was the incoherance. I thought things happened that didn't and things happened I though didn't. I was a mess.

I have been home from the hospital for 2 weeks today. I spent 12+ weeks in with liver failure, renal failure, the works... My ammonia was so high I should have suffered permanant brain damage but somehow I didn't. I still can't walk with out a walker, my heart stopped twice, I had 2 paracentisis (draining fluid from the abdomen) and then a thorocentisis (draining fluid from around the lung because it was partially collapsed) and all the fluid was from the acites from the liver failure. My kidney's are now recovered and my liver is 80%-85% recovered... the acites is still present but getting better...

I always thought I might have a problem. I did the checklists, quit to prove I could... but in the end I was hours from death and leaving my kids without a mom... and it too all that to make me see what had been in front of me.

julez

I just want to say that I am a high bottom alcoholic. I never drank in the morning, or 24/7 never hurt anyone, lost a job, blah blah blah. The whole list of the stereotype of an alcoholic is BS crap. STOP looking at why you aren't an alcoholic, and start looking at why you ARE. Look for the similarities between yourself, and others that post here. No, your post isn't lame. Of course not! It sounds like your drinking is causing problems. Its only lame to ignore it!
I go to AA 5x a week. I sit with people who are court ordered to be there, people who have hit a very very low rock bottom. People who have had alcohol ruin their lives. Because I didn't, does that mean I don't belong there? Hell no! It makes me proactive about my health and my future. It makes me smart because I can recognize my weakness, and know that going to meetings keeps my resolve stronger. Anyone in this forum, or in AA who says otherwise can have their opinion, but I will respectfully disagree. Being in AA doesn't require a badge of dishonor at the door.
That being said, I DID blackout.....OFTEN.... Not out, not at family occasions, weddings, bars, etc. In the comfort and safety of my own home. But nightly, I was doing things, saying things, and getting into bed, without any recollection the next morning. Is that NORMAL?? Not in my book. When I got sick and tired of being hungover, and sick and tired of the self loathing, I came here. And by reading and posting here, I met some great people, some of whom encouraged me to go to meetings. Its the best thing I ever did. I'm a better person in my sobriety, and also in my spirituality.
I wish you the best of luck. It sounds to me like you've been doing the same thing for a long time. Try something different.

Mattcake

Hi Rose Some people have blackouts, others don't. I've only had one, when I accidentally mixed alcohol with an allergy medication - it was a *mess*.

Anyway, maybe... try to reframe your throughts. There's no accurate way to measure progression. My liver enzyme count was fine after years of alcohol abuse... but my mental health was shot beyond description. Our bodies and minds are resilient and do (usually, not always) recover fully, but that's not really the point

What's important is that, no matter where you are right now, you can begin your recovery immediately.

There's no such thing as "wearing out your welcome" in SR. We're here. And, think about it, maybe soon enough *you* will be here for others, sharing your recovery.. and your hope