bellakeller

Anna reminded me of something very useful in recovery that I try to remember;

" 'No.' is a complete sentence" - this one sounds simple but it is not easy.

Untoxicated

While I appreciate the advice to say, "no", that didn't work for me. I did say no.

I'm also very surprised that other people found it so easy to be stern, have some look in their eye, and have complete confidence in telling their company President and other higher ups that it just wasn't an option. This wasn't my boss or my colleague, this was the guy under the CEO and his team.

Looking back I think I did handle it well. They are none the wiser to my past and I have my sobriety.

I'm going to knock some weights around at the gym because I'm still pissed off. Congrats to those of you that would say "no" and walk out on the President and his advisors.

Dee74

Fair play Untox.

I believe I'd back myself up, but it's true I've never been in that situation.

I never turned down a drink when I was working, but I was never trying to stop then.

I was always a people pleaser - I spent 40 years trying to please other people & make them happy, don't rock the boat, even when it did me harm to do so.

I just don't do that anymore.

Noone's approval, or disapproval, is worth that much to me now.

Hope the gym helps
D

Live

I believe there really are people who cannot hear no. Corporate autocratics can often fit into that category.

I have gotten my laughs a few times over new year's toasts wondering..what would they think if they knew that the potted plant was drinking their precious "Dom"

Sometimes I have to choose my battles and battle grounds.

NEOMARXIST

Hey man. I agree with you mate and at the end of the day then nobody can say what they would say unless they are in that situation. Like you say if the top gaffer is there and questions why the hell not then nobody can anticipate quite how they would deal with that, I'm sure. I've never been in that situation so I wouldn't comment.

I made sure I wasn't around alcohol early on in my sobriety and didn't go to xmas parties and also I told my place of work from the off that I didn't drink and if they asked then i just told them I'm an alcoholic. My unique life situation and it has served me well. I never had any problems but then again different life situation etc.

Ultimately you made the right call as you are still sober and didn't drink. That's the main thing.

Peace

Horselover

Pretty rude of your boss to make this situation so uncomfortable to begin with, but there are people like that in the world. I would have "made something up" if I didn't want to confess my alcoholism OR I would have simply said I don't drink. He does sound like the sort that would pressure you into the 'why's' though. I think I would say I'm on an antibiotic and can't drink or something to that effect. Usually the people that are that direct are the ones with problems themselves. Pray for him????

You did good though and each time you get through that kind of situation you gain strength and experience.

betterlate

I remember when I was drinking I would sometimes ask someone if they wanted a drink and they would say "I don't drink". I would be envious and also feel a pang of embarassment at my own need to drink. Maybe your boss had the same reaction and covered it up by "forcing" you to drink to save what he perceived as face to the group.

Untoxicated

I’m so much better now. Exercise is definitely one of my most valuable tools.

I had some time to think in the gym and I was going through a full out fight or flight. My hands were sweating and I was very anxious. I think my anger was a direct result of fear…just pure unadulterated fear, man. Those wine vapors that came that close to my nose as I pretended to drink really took me to a dark place mentally. The peer pressure from these guys really didn’t help my attitude either, it was a total bully move and unacceptable. Thank God I handled this diplomatically.

Regarding what other people would have done is none of my business and I shouldn’t have asked. I don’t even know if I could have done it again given the same variables but I’m glad I don’t have to find out. I have faith in you guys making the right decision. Looking back I think I was just jealous that it would have been so easy for some of you and I’m so not there yet. It was damn difficult for me.

Smacked, I think I may have given you the brunt of that so I do apologize and I appreciate you.

I appreciate the patience, the kindness, and the support that all of you have provided. Man, I am so lucky to have you guys and this site.

Dee , you really opened my eyes. You’re right, I don’t owe anyone an explanation and I think I’m still in the defensive mode from being so used to having to defend things I’ve done wrong that I still feel as if I have to defend the things I’ve done right. That was very much a pearl of wisdom for me to ponder.

What an interesting ride it is to get to know yourself again.

least

Your boss (the Prez) was very rude, and maybe cause he'd already been drinking... no matter, you handled it well and came away sober.

I don't know what I'd have done... but I'm sure I wouldn't have been so diplomatic as you.

Garp

You still have your job and you are still sober... I'd say the day was a success.

slipperyknot

Hey untox - Bottom line is you didn't drink. Great for you!!! I don't know if I could have but you have given me strength with the story.

I work in a corporate environment and would have probably drank in that situation. That kind of pressure is intense. Maybe later on in recovery I could be stronger. I was thinking about your anger. I am frequently in situations where I "give" in or don't stand up so I can go with the flow and then after wards I am so mad, at the other people but also at myself for not being a more authentic version of me, or the me I want to be. However, right now I am trying to figure out what that authentic person looks like so for now I will have to fight the anger and get that image a little clearer and probably kick a few trash cans.

nvrbeentospain

Wow, what a horrible situation to be put in. I'm sorry your boss is so inconsiderate. Lots of people don't drink for all sorts of reasons, and that choice should be respected, especially in the workplace.

I think what you did worked for the situation and am not sure I'd do anything differently. Glad the exercise cleared your head and glad this didn't derail your sobriety.

wicked

Also, in the Army. Even after I went to inpatient detox, there were still people who outranked me quite substantially, who would offer alcohol at a mandatory event (which means you can be sanctioned in some way for not being there), and no, I was not able to argue with my NonCommissioned Officer in Charge that I could not drink.
He actually said to my face, "I believe you still like to party D."
The person who put an end to the conversation was the Commanding Officer of the Hospital who said "SFC B, why would you put one of your soldiers in that position?"
Thank god for that.

I think you did well.
Right now, low profile is best, I think you had some quick thinking.

When I knew the colonel had my back, and the SFC got the message, that's when I could look someone in the eye and say "no, I do not drink."

Beth

eddie73

Tough situation. Everyone probably would like to think they would be unwavering and say no in that situation. I was working at a christmas party tonite and even the smell of wine was causing me temptation. Thats a dangerous thing for anyone recovering let alone have a glass of wine in your hand and pretend to drink from it. Well done well done again!

wicked

Alright, I will admit to actually feeling a little giddy and on a pink cloud after that confrontation at a mandatory event.
I could not wait to tell someone I had been to Landstuhl (everyone knew it was the inpatient rehab for military personnel) and was an alcoholic.
LOL
Ridiculous, but fun just the same.
Got a problem? Go talk to the commander!

Hehehehe

and i agree with those that said the ones who push it are usually a little uncomfortable with their own consumption and using their power to force it on you is sad.

spryte

I found myself in some very difficult situations with work. I work with some hard core drinkers, and I work in a hard core drinking city. Some people can be straight up assholes with the persistence, but they are rare.

When it happens, I have just kept saying no. Kept it simple. Then (even though I was SO nervous and insecure inside) the focus shifts to the persistent person. And eventually, someone would start to laugh and joke, "Why do you want her to have a drink so bad? (insert off-colour joke here)". Someone always comes to my aid, because the persistent person is usually alone in their persistence.

I mean, who cares if anyone else has a single drink? It is the truly rare person who does.

In my experience, it has been like a game of poker. Just say no, and keep the poker face. It's a pleasant, smiling face, but the script never deviates from 'No'. No explaining, no engaging, just, "No, thanks."

Usually the persistent person is drunk, and the conversation reveals them to be drunk. It's embarrassing for them. And no one remembers the conversation anyway. You are usually the only sober one there.

Congratulations on getting through it

LaFemme

Great job! Give yourself some gold stars!

I agree wioth horse lover though...might be good to say you are on meds if it ever haqppens again

Toronto68

Untox, maybe at some point in the future you will find a way to make it more plainly understood you won't be having any. I interpreted that you were still feeling new enough in the organization, especially in the company of upper management, and so you would have more junior reactions to their social banter.

I appreciate the new vantage point you experienced after the exercise (when you were still furious), and it does pay to be open to more views. And one of the things I can see in the other views is the idea that you have a right to be different and don't owe people apologies. That kind of assertiveness is definitely a good thing.

I still don't let go of the positive reaction to how you handled it though. If it does you good to hold onto some credit for that, then great.

Kadybug

Hey, it didn't even happen to me, and I'm pissed off for ya! In thinking about this, I think it's because I really don't like having someone else tell me what to do (I'm a grown woman, etc.), and it totally sucks that it was your boss or someone who is your "superior" who pulled that card on you.

But, I also know for myself, that I get defensive when I'm uncomfortable, and that nearly always makes me angry. Analyzing myself (maybe that's a dangerous thing, imho!) about my defensiveness nearly always points out something that I'm fearful of - in this case, losing acceptance among my peers, pissing off the boss, being talked about after I walk away, whatever - and I need to get a handle on what I'm actually fearful of and deal with that.

Something that I heard recently in a meeting is helpful to me at times like this: "what other people think of me is none of my business". I am then free to do what is right for me ("the next right thing") and let them have their own thoughts. I am sure that this has not always served me as well as I'd like to believe, but I have to live in my head - those folks do not.

Good job to you on getting rid of the wine instead of drinking it - however you did it, you did the next right thing!

postparty82

I know others have said this, but frankly I'm quite impressed with the way you handled the situation. I know many of us who would have used this peer pressure as a reason to have "just one" and lead us right into relapse. You handled this about as well as you could while a) not drinking and b) not making your boss/ coworkers wonder about you! Great job