dazed123

I did go to AA for 3 months, every single day, over a year ago. That was the longest period that I did not drink in probably 18 years. But I just cannot accept AA's belief system. I wish I could. I wish I could believe in a higher power. But I know I cannot and never will. Now, everything is becoming foggy in my mind. Thoughts and memories are no longer clear.

I was born in Canada but I have lived in other countries for so long that I no longer have medical care in Canada. I would be affraid to go back to Canada for help because the climate there would make me drink more. This I am 100% certain because when I visit (every couple of years) I drink even more! Also, this type of help requires months of waiting in Canada, and I cannot wait. I need to figure out what the problem is RIGHT NOW. Yes, the answer to many is two words "stop drinking" but I know that will never happen.

Dee74

I think some of our Canadians members will disagree with yr conclusions about the climate and the medical system

It will never happen if you never do anything about it, dazed. Thats a stone cold given.

I never did anything about it either - I had a long list of excuses and reasons and rationales.
I ended up with a series of mini strokes - I was very lucky I didn't die, and I got a second chance.

2nd chances are not something you want to gamble on though.

This board is full of people who were were you are - or worse.
There's always hope - if you're prepared to do something.

You can join the winners - or not.
It's your call.

good luck with whatever you decide.
D

Lenina

dazed,

Since AA doesn't appeal to you, have you looked into other programs? You might check out SMART. It's online and it might be more to your taste. Can't hurt to check it out, right?

It is possible to quit drinking. Many of us didn't think it was possible yet we are now sober and have good lives.

Is the deeper problem that you don't want to quit? I know for a long time I just wanted to not have consequences from drinking. I had to figure out a way to want to quit. Does that make sense to you?

I really hope you will keep coming to SR, read our posts, learn more about alcoholism and maybe have a moment when sobriety seems to be a better choice than making yourself sick and tired from drinking.

Love,

Lenina

dazed123

Well, if I went back to Canada I would have to wait 6 months. Even with money there would be no help because it is illegal to pay a doctor in Canada. If Obama gets his dream of socialized medical care, you will all understand this better.

Anyway, if this continues I will go to the US. Money is not a problem but right now I am far down in South America where doctors say things like "hey amigo, don't worry about any of this, have a drink and relax".

Lenina

Well, then, it might be a good idea to scoot up to the US before you're too ill to travel. If your mind goes, how are you going to make arrangements? Is there someone to take care of you?

Love,

Lenina

dazed123

Thanks Lenina. I will read about SMART in the morning. I am probably a little drunk right now.

Lenina

dazed,

Get some sleep, my friend. I hope you'll come back to SR every day. It helps me to read the posts of others who share their experiences and strengths. Don't give up. There is help for you. You don't have to live like this any more.

Love,

Lenina

dazed123

All my good friends drink so they think there is something wrong with me for questioning drinking. My parents are far too old to be burdened with this plus they are thousands of miles away -and both lifetime alcoholics. My employees see me drunk sometimes. I know a couple of them are concerned but they do not have the balls to try to stop me. No children. No wife.

AA members just tell me to stop. That "I am not trying hard enough". I need to talk to the old higher power (which I cannot believe in no matter how hard I try). Or...they ask to borrow money from me.....

I have never really screwed up when drunk (18 years of drinking which started in University) to the point I can give myself a guilt trip. But now I see something is screwing up inside of me. Something is going wrong with my mind. I am not hallucinating and the shakes are only mild. But my memory is fading fast.

tmbg

dazed--can't you see a doctor and get some medication (and possibly supervision) that will get you through the withdrawal so that you can get sober and think about your plan more clearly? Sober is easier said than done if you've been drinking the way you say. If you're worried about your mind going on you, especially while drinking, how can you make a clear plan? It seems as if you are quite alone.

Lenina

Alcohol does that to us. The physical and mental toll is so great and gets bad so fast, it's amazing.

AA helped me a lot as far as understanding the disease of alcoholism. And I do believe it is some sort of disease. I think there's a mental and physical component as well as a genetic basis. I have lots of alcoholism in my family.

I think I was born an alcoholic. It didn't take long for the alcohol to take over my life.

As I learned about the disease, and how it works, I also learned there are solutions. AA is a good one, I think. I had lots of trouble understanding the higher power part. I finally was able to grasp a concept of the universe as a power outside of myself.

I'm not a very good explainer, and I don't write well, I'm sorry to say! SMART seems to me a very sensible plan, one that we can work with our intellects. I used Rational Recovery as a supplement to AA and it helped me so much! You might want to check that out if SMART isn't for you.

One thing I do believe totally is that we don't recovery without some help. SR helps me a lot. It helps to have some friends in recovery for face to face support.

I'm so happy you are reaching out. I hope I've been helpful for you.

Love,

Lenina

dazed123

When I was a child my mother would get drunk and beat the **** out of me. I use to pray every day to God for this to stop. That some way He would stop her from drinking. That is how a child thinks. She is also very mentally ill, and still is. The mental illness with her started when I was 5 years old. I said I would never become like this. I studied very hard, worked very hard, made a lot of money and should be living a happy life. When I go to AA I am told that some God, if only I believe, will help me. That God did not help me when I was a child so why will he now? My answer is he is not listening or no longer exists.

Like I said, I wish I could believe. I do not think the people who believe are wrong but my heart just cannot accept this idea. So AA does not work for me and it never will. So what solution do I have? Control? I am losing control. I am not crazy yet because crazy people do not ask if they are crazy. But I see the train crashing very soon and I need to find some sort of help. But what if AA is no good?

Chops

Dazed,

Even those who advocate AA read in their basic text that an alcoholic may need a period of hospitalization before embarking on the program. So whatever option you may choose I think your priority is a safe, supervised medical detox given the amount of alcohol you are ingesting over a period of months.

I would humbly submit your putting the cart before the horse by trying to decide on a program at this juncture.

For me telling you to sit on your hands is a no go even if you have stayed sober during the day, I have had seizures around 8-12 hours after trying to stop without medical supervision, I do not recommend it.

I understand that you may not fully trust the foreign providers in your current location but at least now you are somewhat coherent to participate in your treatment. On a gurney after a grand mal seizure from withdrawal or with pancreatitis from drinking too much will find you having foreign providers treat you anyway with not so much control in your hands.

I know a medical evacuation company that has a list of providers / facilities in almost every country, on occasion they are English speaking, PM me if you want to me reach out for some info, maybe a hospital to call for help.

Stay safe,

C

dazed123

Chops thanks. I have been in detox once so I am familiar with how to do it. I have lots of diazapan here and can have a 24 hour nurse any time I need it. I have brought myself off in the past many times without siezures. I know I can go off any time for enough time to be detoxed. Problem is I both want to, and do not want to.

chicory

I am sorry that you are having this tough time.

There is help here. Good people, with so much compassion and experience to share.

I had an abusive set of parents, too. I too, prayed for things to get better as a child. I see the intervention that came about, but it was through people. much suffering went on, and it was hard to understand. I felt that God was always there to listen, and to make me feel loved, even if my parents did not. i dont understand, but i felt loved by God anyway.

I myself believe that God has a plan, and that He never wants us to suffer. I have been blessed in so many ways.

we have choices. you have choices.

If I did not believe in God, I would still believe in people. AA is made up of people, and I would believe in the power found there.

I get strength from the people, experience, and hope that i find here. I would think it is the same in aa, but you can choose any power you like. i personally think God works through us here on earth. I feel that the love and caring we feel as humans comes from that higher source, and that helps me.

please take care of yourself. you will get some good support here. are there any alcohol treatment centers where you are? any detox centers?

hugs,
chicory

dazed123

Too everyone following this thread. I just noticed I spelled in the title UGENT and not URGENT. It is small details like this my mind is not noticing. That is why I am becoming very concerned my mind is fading away. I would never make this mistake normally. Something is wrong. Does anyone else understand this? Something is happening to me very strange that I do not understand. As I posted before, I have drank for a long, long time.....but I never made mistakes like this before.

dazed123

PS: Would the moderator please fix the spelling error. This is bothering me.

SSIL75

Dazed

There are alternatives to AA. There are people here (myself included) recovering with no formal program at all. Although actually I do use Rational Recovery's AVRT tool. Anyway, you don't have to believe in God to recover so take that off your list.

We must be about the same age (mid-late 30's) if you're 18 years since college. I drank for 17 years. I'm 35 now and 3 months into sobriety.

Did you enjoy being sober when you did that 3 month stint?

dazed123

I am 39. When I did the 3 months sober (to be exact 108 days) I did feel better. But I also took diazepam for about 90 of those days. The first couple of weeks I had a nurse with me 24 hours a day who gave me huge amounts of diazepam. I cannot remember how much but I would say about 10-14mgs a day. After I slowed it down to about 2mgs a night. Obviously I do not want to get addicted to drugs as well. So when I look back now I think there really was never any point where I was completely not taking "something" .....I also drank 15 coffees a day and smoked a pack a day. I normally do not smoke when I drink. So what is worse? Become addicted to pills, coffee and smokes? Or drink? Everyone in AA said to do the other. But December came, and with it I feel sad, so it was back on the booze. Now I realize it is one year of drinking again, and time to stop again. It is also December again.....I hate December. For most people Christmas is a happy time. For me December is when my mother tried to commit suicide. As a child, every year it was visiting her in the funny farm.

dazed123

By the way, as for our ages. I started drinking off and on in grade 7. So I guess I was 12. As kids we could not buy alcohol very easily in Canada so we did not drink often (plus no money!).

It was my last year of school that I started drinking every day. I think that would be about 22-23. I am 39 now so I guess that is 16-17 years.

I had very few problems over the years. But about 2 years ago all went too hell.....I thought I was better for a while.....but now I see I am not.

SSIL75

Valium makes me crave coffee, too. Pot does the same thing. Anything that slows me down makes me crave something to bring me up.

I'm sure you know by now that alcohol doesn't make you feel any less sad, right? Think you can do something different this Christmas? It would be so sad to condemn your whole life to your mom's illness.