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I need to vent...and hopefully it will help other newbies

Old 04-19-2010, 09:20 AM
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I need to vent...and hopefully it will help other newbies

I need to vent and hopefully this will help other newbies. I was prepared to lose a few heavy drinking friends due to my recovery, but the latest one has shocked me. One of my oldest and best friends has been anything but supportive of my journey. This is the guy who was best man in my wedding, godfather to my oldest child, and someone I saw through a major health scare. But apparently alcohol trumps all of that. In his mind I'm going through a phase and I'll magically be able to control my addiction after only 4 months in recovery. My wife and most of my other friends who know are very supportive. And my best friend who is also in recovery and I are continually finding things to do that don't involve alcohol and I'm amazed at how much fun I'm having without it. I can handle the bars now without drinking, but I've rediscovered there's a lot more out there and choose to do other things. I don't want to lose this relationship because of the connection he has to me and my family, but other than this I have really gotten my life back on track and don't need anyone or anything bringing me down. Thanks for letting me vent and if anyone has any advice on this one it would be appreciated as well.
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Old 04-19-2010, 09:23 AM
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Maybe his lack of support is just a symptom of his own drinking problem?

If so, you haven't any control over the matter. He may or may not come around in his own time. Either way, what you're doing is good for you and the best place to focus your energy. Good luck.

Rev
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Old 04-19-2010, 09:27 AM
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I'm sorry for the problems between you and your old friend. Not all relationships/friendships are meant to last forever. I agree that maybe he has a problem with alcohol and the fact that you've quit is showing up his problem and he doesn't want to face it.

Keep on living sober. Maybe your example will help your friend. But take care of you first, even if it means detaching from this person.
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Old 04-19-2010, 09:29 AM
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This connection may work it'self out ...give him time
It's disappointing I know..... Thankfully you
have others support ...understanding and admiration.

Well done on your 4 months.
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Old 04-19-2010, 09:33 AM
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Yes congratulations on your sobriety. I am also sorry about your friend, but if he is a true friend then he will come around. Seasons . . . have you heard that one? We have friends in different seasons of our life and most of the time the friendships change with the seasons. Sad, but at least they were in our life at all.
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Old 04-19-2010, 09:34 AM
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Psalm 118:24
 
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there is a no drinking section in left field for ball games at Wrigley you know
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Old 04-19-2010, 10:07 AM
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Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000 View Post
there is a no drinking section in left field for ball games at Wrigley you know
That's cool! I can see how it would be a benefit to both alcoholics AND people who just don't like getting in fights.

Rev
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Old 04-19-2010, 10:33 AM
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Psalm 118:24
 
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I go to games and concerts etc. with people that, don't drink. The world will keep drinking, I can't or won't stop living a good life.
If a person doesn't want to have anything to do with me since I stopped drinking, they weren't much of a friend anyway.
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Old 04-19-2010, 10:47 AM
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People come into our lives for a time ... and then they go....it's sorta a cycle thing i think for me...

What I have learned is to be patient, compasionate and not pushy...many times people who drift away from me, drift back...at the right time for us both.

any time i change, there will be people who are going to be uncomfortable about the change...and i'm learning it isn't my place to try and figure out why or to push to make them accept or to change myself to fit their needs.

Now that said...not only has it taken me many years to learn this...i don't implement it so well my self....its a daily struggle for me to watch others drift away...actually it feels more like they turn and head for the hills

but i've seen these things work out over time too many times to not believe it will work out as it needs to ...

anyhow thats my expereinces with this.
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Old 04-19-2010, 10:50 AM
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I have a golf buddy who is acting similarly. In his case he also knows he drinks too much and has had many half hearted attempts at quitting. His sobriety never lasted long. He told me I wouldn't last long either and now when I order root beer instead of beer he kind of smirks at me. But I know he wishes he could quit and his reaction to my sobriety is a reflection of the disappointment in himself. I don't hold it against him and would be glad to point him to SR when he's ready! 49 days and counting!
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Old 04-19-2010, 02:27 PM
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I agree with so many and I have found that some will be so supportive and understanding and then others will not. For me I have rid the problems from my life and I recently lost a very unsupportive friend. Our friendship changed when I got sober in January and she just wasn't understanding of the changes I had made in my life.

Good riddance to all problems! While in recovery we do not need negative people in our lives.

Keep going strong!!! Kim
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Old 04-19-2010, 02:46 PM
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It continues to amaze me how much some people seem to want me to drink when they know I have quit. This weekend a friend wanted me to just have a sip of a new Mikes Hard Lemonade drink, multiple No's don't seem to be enough.

I think it is because I used to be easily swayed in the past to go out for a drink at the drop of a hat even if I refused the invites multiple times.

I am sure my No's will no longer be questioned as my sobriety date & commitment to not drink become stronger.
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Old 04-19-2010, 02:59 PM
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Cubs, I say just venting it until you're bored with the topic and stick with your own plans along the way. Keeping other thigns to do in life is the way to go. even if you look at it from a prgamatic point of view, one day of "controlled" drinking is one day you could have been immersing yourself in some other worthwhile activity, after who knows how long it was pre-em,pted by drinking. Most people would agree that such control is a fantasy that is never going to work. It makes sense that you would not want to put an end to things with the old friend, but his shortsightedness is bound to get in your way further down the road if he doesn't arrive at the same page with you. You may have to vent straight in his direction eventually and tell him to face the music. Telling someone that their conviction is a mere phase is not showing enough respect, and I don't know how much patience I would have. Stuff that!
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Old 04-19-2010, 03:38 PM
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Psalm 118:24
 
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If someone asked you to take poison would you call them a friend? I view alcohol as poison to my body. After I start drinking I can't stop until, I'm intoxicated. Intoxicate by definition means 3. To poison.
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Old 04-20-2010, 08:25 AM
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Well I guess you have to ask yourself; was he a friend who you drank with, or was he a drinking buddy that you did some friend stuff with.

I'm not sure if there's a difference but as a noob here myself one of the first things I had/have to reconcile myself with is some people won't be happy that I have quit drinking. They aren't my friends. They're drinking buddies. The people I have a blast with sober and don't like me when I drink because I'm a different person are my friends, because they like me for me.
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Old 04-20-2010, 08:33 AM
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I agree with Nands point, that I have had to accept that people come into my life at certain times for certain reasons. Some stay briefly, some stay awhile, a few stay forever. Just takes things slowly and follow your instincts.
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Old 04-20-2010, 08:53 AM
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Thanks for letting me vent everyone! I think I just needed some validation. This is just one person I didn't think I would have this problem with, but agree its time to let go if he can't accept my recovery. You guys are great!
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Old 04-20-2010, 09:44 AM
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When I first got sober, my oldest and best friend did the same thing as yours. Came to understand later that our friendship was like a security blanket to her and she was afraid of any change in me, afraid that I wouldn't need her anymore, but she was too full of pride to say so.

'Getting sober' conjures up alot of misconceptions, unfortunately some include boring, finding God, righteous, holier than thou, etc. - my friend assumed I would become any or all of these so was less than enthusiastic about my recovery, which is a polite way of saying she was terrified of any change in our friendship that she had come to rely on for so long.

I think real friendship is based on trust and honesty, which is a polar opposite definition of an alcoholic. Nonetheless, as we become honest with ourselves, we can be honest with those people who we love.

I had a poignant discussion with my friend. We put it out in the open how each of us felt, without blaming or flaming. This helped maintain the connection, but it was just a matter of time and both of us changing and growing in different directions that separated us as individuals, but never as friends, just friends in a different way.

We still love and respect each other for all that we had been through together - it's just that people, things and life change. We didn't eliminate each other from our lives and I'm totally ok with that.
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