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The depth of denial...

Old 04-07-2010, 10:47 PM
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The depth of denial...

I really believed when I started this journey that I didn't drink to numb my feelings. I truly believed that I drank because I loved to get hammered. I didn't understand all of the feeling stuff everyone was talking about. Well, after 100 days, it's slowly starting to dawn on me that I drank exactly for that reason. I just didn't consciously realize it until now.

How did I discover the stupendously obvious? Well, I started actively noticing that I get an urge to drink when I'm bored, mostly. Or anxious, or want to shut my brain off from all the stress and crap I feel subjected to all throughout the work week. Or if I feel left out, or mad. I finally this week started putting two and two together.

It's so interesting to me the depth of denial, and how long it hangs on. I wonder how many more mini-epiphanies I will have, and if this means that I am actively recovering? And I think, wow - if I would've picked up before now, thinking that I had this thing beat, etc., I would've never had this self-discovery on this particular point.

This is the kind of thing that helps keep me motivated to stay stopped. That, and I honestly still want to be sober more than I want to get drunk again.

My other light bulb moment this week was that even if I had one, or two, or hey, why not three...I'd want ten more, and wouldn't be satisfied until I blacked out or passed out. I have no off switch. And therein lies the problem.
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Old 04-07-2010, 10:58 PM
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Cool, the next step is to realise that all the boredom, anxiety, fear, restlessness, irritability actually comes from within you and has nothing whatsoever to do with anything that seemingly happens to you...but that took a good deal of work with the steps of AA for me to really understand and embrace that:-)
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Old 04-07-2010, 11:27 PM
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Feeling the same

It is just amazing to me the number of people I read posts from and I am nodding my head in agreement thinking, yup, that's me too! Your final note about having one or two and it turns into ten is absolutely my pattern. Even if I do limit myself to one or two one night, before the week is out I'm putting a twelve pack down in a night. Like you, I have no off switch. Today I am sober and made good decisions. Tomorrow will be my second day sober.
Congratulations on your 100 day mark! I look forward to posting mine.
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Old 04-08-2010, 07:17 AM
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I drank to numb anxiety and depression, but also drank out of boredom. Now that I'm sober I'm learning to live with my feelings and not drink them away.

Congrats on your sober time!!
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Old 04-08-2010, 07:24 AM
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"I have no off switch"

Love that! Glad you are at SR!
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Old 04-08-2010, 07:43 AM
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I drank for any reason I could find (but it was likely motivated by depression). Because things went well at work, hey, I got a couple extra dollars. Celebrate with a few drinks. Things went crappy at work? I deserve a few drinks for putting up with that crap. I got a good grade on a test? Hooray! Round(s) of drinks! I bombed a test? My life sucks; may as well go to the bar.

I've only got 2 weeks without the booze, so I'm starting to gather pieces of the puzzle that I need to put together. So I'm seeing that I used alcohol in every situation and for every reason. But I need to work on getting to the underlying cause, because my I feel that my alcoholism is a symptom of much deeper issues which need to be dealt with.

Congrats on 100 days, HS! Well done!
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Old 04-08-2010, 08:42 AM
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Congratulations on 100 days, HS. That's awesome.

I think your mini-epiphanies (I love that) are definitely a result of your self-awareness evolving and coming to light in recovery. As your name says, I think if we remain students and are always willing to learn more truths about ourselves, those great mini-epiphanies will continue.

I totally get what you say about having no off switch - great analogy for where picking up just one would lead.

Another great tool is learning how to use the mute button for the chatter in our head.
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Old 04-08-2010, 09:11 AM
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I wish I could find the mute button for the chatter in my head....I just never shut up to myself...I can analyze any thought to death.
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Old 04-09-2010, 04:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Haon View Post
It is just amazing to me the number of people I read posts from and I am nodding my head in agreement thinking, yup, that's me too! Your final note about having one or two and it turns into ten is absolutely my pattern. Even if I do limit myself to one or two one night, before the week is out I'm putting a twelve pack down in a night. Like you, I have no off switch. Today I am sober and made good decisions.
That's totally me, too. Unfortunately, I haven't even reached ONE day sober which makes me feel kind of pathetic but I'll get there.
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