The depth of denial...
I really believed when I started this journey that I didn't drink to numb my feelings. I truly believed that I drank because I loved to get hammered. I didn't understand all of the feeling stuff everyone was talking about. Well, after 100 days, it's slowly starting to dawn on me that I drank exactly for that reason. I just didn't consciously realize it until now.
How did I discover the stupendously obvious? Well, I started actively noticing that I get an urge to drink when I'm bored, mostly. Or anxious, or want to shut my brain off from all the stress and crap I feel subjected to all throughout the work week. Or if I feel left out, or mad. I finally this week started putting two and two together.
It's so interesting to me the depth of denial, and how long it hangs on. I wonder how many more mini-epiphanies I will have, and if this means that I am actively recovering? And I think, wow - if I would've picked up before now, thinking that I had this thing beat, etc., I would've never had this self-discovery on this particular point.
This is the kind of thing that helps keep me motivated to stay stopped. That, and I honestly still want to be sober more than I want to get drunk again.
My other light bulb moment this week was that even if I had one, or two, or hey, why not three...I'd want ten more, and wouldn't be satisfied until I blacked out or passed out. I have no off switch. And therein lies the problem.