Alive

haven't posted here in a while. I'm not an addict, but i joined the site some years ago, made many friends, people i talk to every day, that i love and care for.

i'm particularly exhausted today, and the last few weeks. i've been doing therapy for a year and a hath, and it has changed my life. i don't go there as a consultation, but as a conversation between two grown ups. we talk about life, about being bold and thinking through your own mind, without crunches. it takes the most courage to face and think loss, to face every non conscient feeling, pain that can not be erased and accept the past that lives inside of me.

I'm exhausted because ever since i was born i feel i've been trying to change myself, trying to please people, trying to live to perfect standards and that is completely killing me. I'm exhausted because i'm tired of worrying about every one, taking care of them, making their problems mine. Every single person i take their fight, make it mine, and most of the time they just don't want to evolve.

I know i do. I want to have the beautiful life i'm untitled to. I want healthy people in my life. I want healthy relationships. Love, true love, true friendship. I've been through so much, and i can't live like most people do, i just can't. After seeing death in front of my eyes all these years i need things that i love. I need art, beauty, truth, health.

I've been a crazy people magnet lately, actually always. People come in my life, demand perfection, and i demand perfection out of me. They think it's alright to give me that pressure. That it's alright i sacrifice my life for them. And i put that pressure on me. I feel guilty if i don't do everything to make a difference in their lives. I don't want to get into details, but i'm tired of selfish people, who just know the way i am and suck out my energy. that's exactly how it feels. Like i'm exhausted because these people get the best out of me, and do not give me unconditionality, truth, stability.

I had bad moments. Moments when i didn't do things right, but i really believe i've always tried to be a good person.

This is killing me. Not only i struggle to stay alive every day through my own troubles i have always crazy acting around me. I don't wanna survive only, i wanna enjoy this ride, it's so short, and i think i have tools that allow me to have a good life.

I always felt like an image of me walked with me all this time. And i can't seem to be that person that i really am, and it's staring at me, telling me c'mon be me, cuz that's you, that's freedom, that's your true spirit.

I feel guilty for not being better. For not being myself. I do believe it's a crime not filling in your shoes and walk your road. I feel it's a crime that i'm wasting my life away because i've been broken many times.

Complaining doesn't take me anywhere. But i want to stop this. I want to put no in my conversations. I want to say no to people, and if they go away, i don't want to stop saying no so they don't go. I really can't take it anymore. I can't sleep, and i can't live my days. It's like i'm fighting somebody else's fight, taking a huge burden in my shoulders.

I know i probably will be alone for a while if i start saying no. But i have to hope there are healthy people in this world, people that are intelligent, with culture, with love, who can see beauty in what surrounds us, beauty in people.

I need boundaries. I need to say no. I don't know how to do it without being rude. How does one do this?

MeAndOnlyMe

...a therapist or doctor qualified to help you.

Alive

lol...this sure has changed.

Toronto68

Alive, do you find that it helps to talk with the people that are dealing with addiction and recovery? I guess the answer is yes if you joined a while back and are coming back.

The part about the image of you walking with you sounds familiar. I have always had a self-image problem - and didn't understand what "be yourself" meant. I think I am doing a little better at it now; or accepting what I like and don't like.

Alive

i do toronto. there's a great thing about posting here, we always supported each other here. i know many of you. and some of you have answers that i don't.

and meandonlyme....the thing is, i have a good doctor, but i value my friends here, and the people here, who some of them are on the same page as me regarding wanting to find answers.

Dee74

Hi Alive

Welcome back

I dunno....I've battled many of the same things you speak of here, and continue to deal with a lot of them.

I've been drawn to chaos and people and situations that aren't good for me...I've spent years feeling like I was going nowhere....I've had great trouble in saying no and for staying true to myself and what I believe in. I've damaged myself both physically and mentally for years, trying to be what I thought other people wanted me to be.

I changed.

I'm still changing - it's not an event, it's a process...

the way I started was in little ways...always looking to my internal compass and trying to stay true to that....looking after myself as much as I look after others...learning the value in no, and accepting that that wasn't selfish - it was good for me.

Little steps, but deliberate steps forward, one day at a time.

This place hasn't changed that much LOL

There's still a lot of wisdom and love and hope here - come back and use it some more, mate.

I find SR to be a great grounder when I feel adrift and lost and aimless.
take care N

D

Toronto68

Alive, I started to think a little more and then remembered a couple of times I tried to get help (psychological help) when I was about 18 or 19. I went to a department that offered that at the university I was attending. I got one consultation with a PhD candidate. Then I went off on a big adventure I don't feel like talking about right now. Then about 2 years later I asked my doctor about how to get help. I don't know if it was the same visit or not, but I remember also saying I couldn't sleep, and he gave me some sleeping pill samples that could very well have been fake, ha ha, who knows. He also referred me to a colleague of his at the same university and who was tied to the same place I had been to. So I tried again and talked with another PhD candidate in Psychology. Nice conversation, but that was the end of that too (for some reason I kept hitting "low season" when they were about to close or something). It's like the best I got out of it was being complimented on the conversation, and maybe would have developed a crush if there had been another 2 or 3 visits. I was in the process of using alcohol as a coping device by that point - and it's too bad I kept going that way!

So I can see why you would participate in conversations with people who deal with addictions, since I have learned more about myself the hard way. Not being full of answers, necessarily, but it's a process. I'm glad you like it and can derive something from the site.

Alive

thanks Dee. it's always great to see you! And now you're a leader, how cool, i still remember the first days here, we came at around the same time and seeing you even more wise is a pleasure

I think u're right about the boundaries, it is a process. maybe not over night. but hopefully get there and learning that inner change. and that selfish thing, i do feel that fear of not wanting to be selfish.

Alive

thanks again Toronto. this was my home for a long time. so it feels good

Dee74

Its discovering we can be self aware yet not selfish yeah...I think I'm a better person for looking after myself more...and I can give more to others when I do give

'more wise' is debatable, N
D

Alive

love the puppet there. haha

coffeenut

Hi! And glad you are back.