Alive

haven't posted here in a while. I'm not an addict, but i joined the site some years ago, made many friends, people i talk to every day, that i love and care for.

i'm particularly exhausted today, and the last few weeks. i've been doing therapy for a year and a hath, and it has changed my life. i don't go there as a consultation, but as a conversation between two grown ups. we talk about life, about being bold and thinking through your own mind, without crunches. it takes the most courage to face and think loss, to face every non conscient feeling, pain that can not be erased and accept the past that lives inside of me.

I'm exhausted because ever since i was born i feel i've been trying to change myself, trying to please people, trying to live to perfect standards and that is completely killing me. I'm exhausted because i'm tired of worrying about every one, taking care of them, making their problems mine. Every single person i take their fight, make it mine, and most of the time they just don't want to evolve.

I know i do. I want to have the beautiful life i'm untitled to. I want healthy people in my life. I want healthy relationships. Love, true love, true friendship. I've been through so much, and i can't live like most people do, i just can't. After seeing death in front of my eyes all these years i need things that i love. I need art, beauty, truth, health.

I've been a crazy people magnet lately, actually always. People come in my life, demand perfection, and i demand perfection out of me. They think it's alright to give me that pressure. That it's alright i sacrifice my life for them. And i put that pressure on me. I feel guilty if i don't do everything to make a difference in their lives. I don't want to get into details, but i'm tired of selfish people, who just know the way i am and suck out my energy. that's exactly how it feels. Like i'm exhausted because these people get the best out of me, and do not give me unconditionality, truth, stability.

I had bad moments. Moments when i didn't do things right, but i really believe i've always tried to be a good person.

This is killing me. Not only i struggle to stay alive every day through my own troubles i have always crazy acting around me. I don't wanna survive only, i wanna enjoy this ride, it's so short, and i think i have tools that allow me to have a good life.

I always felt like an image of me walked with me all this time. And i can't seem to be that person that i really am, and it's staring at me, telling me c'mon be me, cuz that's you, that's freedom, that's your true spirit.

I feel guilty for not being better. For not being myself. I do believe it's a crime not filling in your shoes and walk your road. I feel it's a crime that i'm wasting my life away because i've been broken many times.

Complaining doesn't take me anywhere. But i want to stop this. I want to put no in my conversations. I want to say no to people, and if they go away, i don't want to stop saying no so they don't go. I really can't take it anymore. I can't sleep, and i can't live my days. It's like i'm fighting somebody else's fight, taking a huge burden in my shoulders.

I know i probably will be alone for a while if i start saying no. But i have to hope there are healthy people in this world, people that are intelligent, with culture, with love, who can see beauty in what surrounds us, beauty in people.

I need boundaries. I need to say no. I don't know how to do it without being rude. How does one do this?