lostmyway

I did, today. Today is day 20 for me and it was a rough one. Spring is in the air, the motorcycles are out, the bar down by the river is open and booming with business. Every trigger in my head was going off that this would be a good day to drink. A day off the record, that no one would have to know about.

I know that that is the disease talking. I tried to convince my husband to go out and buy beer, to let me have three or four. Sure, I could have gone and gotten it myself, but I wanted approval. He gave me none...firstly because my doctor has given him strict orders not to, and second because he said that that would be enabling me.

I sulked, I slept, I didn't know what to do...I took the kids to the park, made a feeble attempt at getting some laundry done, and now it's already after 6 p.m. and I realize I still have a dirty bathroom and carpets that have not been vaccuumed; that these things aren't going to get done today and tomorrow it's back to work, back to dealing with an @$$hole boss, making time to get to meetings and just trying to survive.

Damn...a whole day, wasted.

bdiddy5522

I disagree Lost. I don't think it is a whole day wasted. You have one more day of sobriety under your belt, and you have taken one more step to proving that you CAN do this. Now had you started drinking, THAT would have been a waste. Congrats, and keep going. Don't think about tomorrow. Just enjoy today.

CAPTAINZING2000

I spend the whole day trying to live now. That pretty much leaves out anything that'll make my life less then perfect.

Toronto68

Lost, it's not wasted, it sounds like you accomplished not drinking and you can do that tomorrow too. If you want, maybe you can plan on coping with the a(*&^^% boss situation by getting out all the words you want to about it, send me the message here tomorrow afternoon, and I will find all the purging.

Then if you still have energy, you can pick one of the cores you are upset about after work and do some; then the other chore the day after.

lostmyway

Be careful with that one, Toronto68...you could be opening the flood gates asking from a letter from me about my boss! LOL...you are right though. Guess it all goes back to that one day at a time philosophy.

Hevyn

Lostmyway, Don't despair - I promise you won't feel like that forever. I drank for over 25 yrs. & those first couple of months were killers. Everything seemed to trigger me. Today I was feeling very nostalgic, since spring was in the air & along with it will came those happy summertime memories - involving bars & drinking, of course. Wait - I tell myself - how happy were they, really? Certainly not in the end, they weren't. It all turned into a living hell for me. One drink led to 20 - then a binge - followed by a desperate attempt to get straight again. I had to jump off the merry-go-round. It wasn't what it seemed - it was a make-pretend life. I didn't grown or change while I was numb. I know there's no going back for me.

There'll come a time when you won't spend your days obsessing over not drinking. It definitely does ease up. You are learning to live again in a new way - sometimes you'll feel like a fish out of water - but it's leading you somewhere. Be patient with yourself. You are healing, mentally and physically - you will step out into the sunshine again one day, with no regrets.

Glad you shared how you were feeling. We're glad to have you here with us.

wichitalineman

Hi Lost,

I hear you completely. I have seen the sun come out (finally!) after months in the last few days. While it has been bitter cold, and that is certainly not a trigger (hee hee), I know chilling in the summer sun without a cold one will be something I am going to have to deal with sooner than later. This week I felt the first whiffs of this challenge coming on.

I like what everyone said on here: today was not a day wasted - literally! EVERY day you get through sober is a huge victory. Celebrate it like one! Even if that means just having some chocolate and vegging out via YouTube. Or just relaxing on the couch, doing not too much. It's up to you. All I know is today wasn't wasted, today was another notch on your sober belt. A huge victory!

lostmyway

I am just realizing the irony in my post...that I considered this day wasted, when in fact I wasn't WASTED at all. Leave it to an alcoholic to think like that. Thanks guys, I am feeling better now. I just needed to get this out...my sponsor is away for the weekend.

Anna

You definitely have learned that you can get through a day like this, and the next time it will be a bit easier.

coffeenut

Congratulations on your sober day!

vegibean

Lost, it's definitely not a day wasted. Let me tell you, I used to wonder what I'd do on those days and you know what? You get used to them and not in a way where you're feeling tortured about it but rather that the thought of drinking because "all is well" and it's a beautiful day out just doesn't dawn on you any more........... it gets better. Good for you for hanging in there.

Fandy

Lost, you and I are on the same timetable...yesterday was my Day #20 also....I still have the moments (especially on the weekend) when I want my *reward* drink for doing all the work I've done...I've consciously made the effort to replace that stupid *reward drink* with something else both edible, drinkable or a small token to *reward myself*...this week it was bulbs, seeds and planting supplies...a hobby of gardening I used to actually wine prizes for in my community....(not for 15 years, but my gardens were really beautiful at one time)..it was too late to start them up yesterday, I was tired from working all day, but now I have a hobby I can fiddle with all evenings this week...

then when my cats eat the seedlings or the bulbs don't take, I can move over to the whining thread....I figure it is a win/win situation for me...one day at a time and removes my mind from the thoughts of having a drink and deterring my progress.

Kerbcrawler

Yes, Lostmyway Agree with all above comments..Another day sober an under your belt.. A couple of you guys on day 20 Here, well day 10 here, an i gotta say..A Little like you..Did very little Activity over the weekend.. But had 2 bad days..2 Day was worked hard,gettin home straight to bed total wipeout.. 9 AN 10 days after the event..Every bone aches,head poundin,eyes heavy and pained,throat sore as!,Energy none!! Limbs aching all over, best not go on much more..As this i,ll end up Transferred to the Whiners section! all this will pass..Am pretty sure, short term Detox..better than a lifetime of drunken misery..oh how i love to be so happy and Positive,,Soon enough have this Show back on the road..Runnin on all Cylinders.. Best of to all.