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My ego

Old 02-26-2010, 12:53 PM
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My ego

Hello everyone. This is my first time seeing this website and I think I need to be here. So ok...here it goes...

I have been a secret alcoholic for about 6 years. I don't know how I have done it for so long, but I have. In the back of my mind I think " Please, just call me out on it and I will get help."

But nothing changes. So, I keep hiding. I know my addiction and still keep it alive. I am only 26 years old and I am drinking almost a half a bottle of whiskey a day now. Sometimes more. I don't know why I do it but yet, I do understand why at the same time. I'm an alcoholic. I can't come to grips with that.

I see the spiral but do nothing about it. Went to an AA meeting. Just seemed so odd. Just more routine to replace the drinking.

So now it has to come to the point where I think society is wrong. Not me. Spend our lives trying to make money and be a part of the machine.

Is that the drunk mind talking though? That we are all just greedy animals?

It's my ego I can't let go of. I think I am so smart when I am drunk. I can solve all the problems in the world. Even when drunk, I still question how I am able to keep the addiction alive. How can I fool the people I care about for so long?

It makes me feel superior and I really hate that feeling. Like I am better than than most, but I know I am not.

I am sorry to vent, but I think I need it.

Help me please.
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Old 02-26-2010, 01:13 PM
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Hi and Welcome,

I think you may not be fooling people quite as much as you think you are. I think that often, people choose to not see what is in front of them, because they don't want to feel uncomfortable.

And, I know from my experience, the addict mind is diabolical and manipulative. It will do anything and everything to maintain control. If you don't want to be part of the money-making 'normal' society, then opt out and live an alternative lifestyle, but you don't need to drink to do that.

Take a look around and make yourself comfortable.
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Old 02-26-2010, 01:24 PM
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Anna,
Good to see you are questioning your behavior.
This may help
All people who compulsively drink, use drugs, or engage in dangerous activities do so to obtain some relief from the continuous background fear, lack, or emptiness that is a direct result of life as a thought-based identity (the ego).

An egoic identity is a false one because it is based on thought instead of consciousness, our natural state of mind. The egoic personality requires constant compulsive thinking to sustain itself.

Any life based on compulsive thinking will be dysfunctional and unmanageable. Such a life is characterized by recurring feelings of emptiness, lack, and fear. People often describe this condition as having “a hole inside me that can never be filled.”

As Eckhart Tolle puts it:

"When the thought forms of 'me' and 'mine', of 'more than,' of 'I want,' 'I need,' 'I must have,' and of 'not enough' operate, no possession, place, person, or condition will ever satisfy you. No content will satisfy you as long as your egoic identity remains in place. No matter what you have or get, you won't be happy. You will always be looking for something else that promises greater fulfillment, that promises to make your incomplete sense of self complete and fill that sense of lack you feel within. "

"The ego always wants something from other people or situations. There is always a hidden agenda, always a of "not enough yet," of insufficiency and lack that needs to be filled. It uses people and situations to get what it wants, and even when it succeeds it is never satisfied for long. Often it is thwarted in its aims, and for the most part the gap between "I want" and "what is" becomes a constant source of upset and anguish. "



"The underlying emotion that governs all of the activity of the ego is fear. The fear of being nobody, the fear of nonexistence, the fear of death. All its activities are ultimately designed to eliminate this fear but the most the ego can ever do is to cover it up temporarily with an intimate relationship, a new possession, or winning at this or that. Illusion will never satisfy you. Only the truth of who you are, if realized, will set you free."


The fact that almost everyone suffers from this condition makes it seem normal and allows it to go unquestioned.

Consuming drugs or alcohol or obtaining things in order to relieve this unhappy condition may bring temporary relief, but the activity must be continuously repeated. This sometimes leads to addiction.

Substance addiction is a direct result of compulsive thinking, which is itself an addiction. That's why any solution to the addiction problem must focus on the underlying thinking addiction. The “compulsion to use,” not the substance itself, is the cunning, powerful, and baffling engine that drives addiction.

This blog applies the insights concerning the true nature of thinking, as presented by Eckhart Tolle in his books The Power of Now and A New Earth, to the 12-step program as presented in the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I think Tolle’s work sheds new light on the underlying forces of addiction. This understanding points the way toward new approaches to gaining relief--and new ways to prevent addiction from taking hold in the first place.

The 12-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous has brought about a spiritual renaissance in many individuals--myself included--leading them to a happy, joyous, and free existence. But many more alcoholics and other addicts have turned away from this solution because it is veiled in mystery and language that is sometimes obscure or religious.

Tolle's work has unraveled for me the 75-year-old mystery of how and why the 12-step program really works. I believe an accurate and clear description of the 12-step process and its results can only broaden the acceptance and increase the effectiveness of the tweleve step program.

Ben
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Old 02-26-2010, 01:53 PM
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Originally Posted by BlueBlaze View Post
So now it has to come to the point where I think society is wrong. Not me. Spend our lives trying to make money and be a part of the machine.
Man, this was me to a T before I became a 'recovering' alcoholic.

Recovery from alcoholism is about soooo much more than just stopping drinking. You will learn that alcoholism is a "thinking" problem and not a "drinking" problem primarily.

In recovery I have learned to live life on lifes terms. I learned to accept that there is higher power outthere much greater than this mere mortal. Look into the nights sky on a clear night, puts things into perspective!

I used to think like a rebel, I used to idolise all the anti-establishment bands/theorists and drink and drug the world away thinking that it's all a load of B*llocks and what is the point of it all. I hated capitalism. It gave me a great excuse to drink myself stupid at every oppurtunity... They had me right where they wanted me man!!

I love being free from the shackles of my alcoholism and drug addiction.


peace
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Old 02-26-2010, 02:03 PM
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My sober mind loves hiking and backpacking. I do that. But what I am afraid of is that I am still trying to get away from what I am. So I just keep running. I have a hard time dealing with the fact that I have lied to everyone for the past 6 years. So much guilt and shame for what? To have another drink? It's insane but it is the truth. A part of me thinks they do know...and this is the first step to uncover my secret.

But at the same time...I think all this drinking has made me paranoid. The little devil on my shoulder says, " Got to keep addiction alive." I just don't know what to do.

Been to two different doctors. I told the truth to the first one. That I drank a pint of whiskey every night. He just nodded. Told me maybe I should go to an drug addiction counselor....so I went. As soon as I sat down in the chair I knew where his story was going. Problems with coping...his dad was a drunk... I knew it. Before he even said anything, I knew what he was going to say. So I acted shy and he bought it. I was cured in a couple of months. Amazing!

Now I go to a second counselor and phycologist. I keep the drinking a secret to them. Sorta. I lie to keep my addiction safe. And what happens? They bought it. Just let me go on my way. Give me drugs that I don't need. All because of my ability to lie.

So here I am, just reaching for something. I know my addiction. Why am I so good at hiding it? Maybe this is my first real step to recovery. Who knows.

That is what I am fighting. This damn ego.
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Old 02-26-2010, 02:12 PM
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Originally Posted by BlueBlaze View Post
So now it has to come to the point where I think society is wrong. Not me. Spend our lives trying to make money and be a part of the machine.

Is that the drunk mind talking though?
There's a lot wrong with society--you don't need to be an alcoholic to determine that. Life is only somewhat decent for less than half of the people on the planet. Drinking won't help change that.

If you're like me, you don't want to be "part of the machine," but you have to extract a living from it. There are plentiful ways to that, but it's up to you to find your way. The fact that you ask the question means you're looking for one, and it's clear you'd like booze not to be in the way. That's a good jump in your consciousness.

Try some meetings, read Tolle or Joseph Campbell, Buddhist literature, focus on your mind and body, in short, tomorrow hasn't come yet but you can begin shaping it today. Life can be an excellent journey if you don't sabotage it, whether by drinking or other corrosive behaviors. The journey begins whenever you decide it should begin.
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Old 02-26-2010, 02:17 PM
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Hi BlueBlaze

I don't know if our situations are compatible but I remember feeling pretty smug and full of myself too when drunk too - at least in the early years.

Looking back it was just another hook to keep me going back - an escape into a fantasy world where I felt could be anything I wanted to be...because, basically, sober me couldn't really handle the real world.

I stopped drinking and started dealing with my life, and it was the best decision I ever made.

I think Anna's right tho when she says maybe you're not fooling as many people as you think you are. One of the most insidious things about addiction is the way it skews your perception.

I thought noone noticed, noone knew - everyone knew in my case.

Glad to have you here - welcome
D
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Old 02-26-2010, 02:20 PM
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You've nailed it with the self-centered ego deal.
You're not different, the disease makes us all feel that way.
Ya, the disease doesn't want you to go to meetings, it might die.
It will tell you "These weird people are all idiots."
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Old 02-26-2010, 02:20 PM
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I used to think, and still do if I find my mind wandering, that drinking alone on a park bench is the ultimate. A life dropping out from all of the bullsh*t man-made capitalist machine.

But then I think...'man you're one sure alcoholic' LOL I would drink myself to death if given the chance. That is why I don't drink anymore.
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Old 02-26-2010, 04:09 PM
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Please, just call me out on it and I will get help."
Ok, you're an alcoholic, and you will keep on drinking until you no longer want to drink or by some circumstance that no longer allows you to drink: say a bad car accident, a serious injury, getting a DUI and going to jail, developing a serious illness due to your drinking.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. I kept on drinking even knowing how bad it was for me UNTIL I wanted to be sober MORE than I wanted to drink. Now being sober is the norm for me and I wouldn't go back to that black hole of misery for anything. Alcohol is like a black hole that sucks the light into itself. It sucks up anything good until there is nothing left - a vacuum. I do'nt want to live in that nothingness anymore. So I changed my attitude and behavior. I am now sober and happy about it.
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Old 02-26-2010, 05:42 PM
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Thanks guys..

I feel like I have been hiding in plain sight for so long. Reading what some of you have written makes me feel a little better.

I need to be here
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Old 02-26-2010, 06:31 PM
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Welcome to SR.....
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Old 02-26-2010, 07:23 PM
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Originally Posted by BlueBlaze View Post
Hello everyone. This is my first time seeing this website and I think I need to be here. So ok...here it goes...

I have been a secret alcoholic for about 6 years. I don't know how I have done it for so long, but I have. In the back of my mind I think " Please, just call me out on it and I will get help."

But nothing changes. So, I keep hiding. I know my addiction and still keep it alive. I am only 26 years old and I am drinking almost a half a bottle of whiskey a day now. Sometimes more. I don't know why I do it but yet, I do understand why at the same time. I'm an alcoholic. I can't come to grips with that.

I see the spiral but do nothing about it. Went to an AA meeting. Just seemed so odd. Just more routine to replace the drinking.

So now it has to come to the point where I think society is wrong. Not me. Spend our lives trying to make money and be a part of the machine.

Is that the drunk mind talking though? That we are all just greedy animals?

It's my ego I can't let go of. I think I am so smart when I am drunk. I can solve all the problems in the world. Even when drunk, I still question how I am able to keep the addiction alive. How can I fool the people I care about for so long?

It makes me feel superior and I really hate that feeling. Like I am better than than most, but I know I am not.

I am sorry to vent, but I think I need it.

Help me please.

Edging God Out
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Old 02-26-2010, 08:26 PM
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E G O

Yep...God will solve my problem....sure. What is God though? The peaceful creator that made us? The same God that made Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini? Oh that's right, free will. I have to remind myself of that excuse.The same "God" that helps me find my keys in the morning or the "God" that watches bulldozers sweep out bodies in Haiti? The "God" that gives us this wonderful disease of addiction? I am not going to replace a crutch with another one. I am just free thinking....Eh, I'm sorry. I am becoming more and more bitter towards the world. I know it is the booze talking. It's always the booze talking.
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Old 02-26-2010, 08:36 PM
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I rediscovered my christianity but at the time my own recovery was secular in nature - I know many others here who trod a similarly secular path.

Don't get caught in a philosophical cul de sac, BB.

D
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Old 02-26-2010, 08:41 PM
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Some people find relief believing in a "God"--I'm not one of those people. To me the idea in nothing more than a metaphor for the "divinity" in all of us, such as it is, a variable seldom realized in most. I think it's best to just appreciate the intent when people bring up God--we're all working our programs here. Our vocabularies may differ but we mean well.
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Old 02-26-2010, 08:48 PM
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I am sorry if I offended anyone that has christian beliefs. That was not my goal. I am just so damn frustrated. I really wish I could believe in God. It would make things so much easier. Hang this addiction on God's coat rack and say " I give up." My brain won't let me do that though. That is ego.
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Old 02-26-2010, 08:54 PM
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You don't need to believe in God to be sober.

Welcome to SR. I hope you stay...and read and post!
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Old 02-26-2010, 09:18 PM
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Maybe that is why I can't let go of my secret..my addiction. My ego won't let me. That post of Edging God Out made me angry for some reason. Like it is just that simple. Made me think of those religious shows. The preachers with fake hair touching the foreheads of cripples. You will be SAVED!!! Then only to see them ask for money. They will send you a prayer cloth or miracle water these days ya know. A touch point to be healed. What a load of crap.

Has the booze made me become so bitter to the world that I can not see simple acts of kindness? The intention might be good, but if it does not fit with my belief system, do I just revolt from it?

Ahhhh!!! I am so freaking confused.
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Old 02-26-2010, 09:24 PM
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There's no rule that says you have to like every post here LOL - but it's always good to remember people here are generally, and genuinely, trying to help

D
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