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Old 02-26-2010, 09:54 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I didn't believe in "God" when I came into AA. I had no flipp'n idea what people were talking about. Spirituality?? What the?? I thought everyone was brainwashed about this whole "God" talk thing.

And then after hanging around the AA rooms for awhile, I realized that I actually did have my own personal higher power all along = but was too "egotistical" to think along those lines ... I remembered that after my LAST black-out weekend - of which I could have been at the bottom of a river (where I woke up next to), detox, jail, or hostage to a psychotic rapist (it was a predator who bought me drinks all night long).

Right after my black-out weekend, I DID think to myself I won't be given any more chances. If I drink again, there will not be anything protecting me. No more chances to narrowly avoid danger - next time- next time, I will wake up from a black-out and find myself sitting in detox or in jail or hostage to a psycho sadist and be raped viciously or something equally devestating.

When in actuality, my own personal higher power had been protecting me all along from some very dangerous situations. I survived a lot of abusive situations - but I am alive and well. If I had not listened to that thought, I would most likely be continuing the near-fatal alcoholic reckless lifestyle, and I would not be here writing this post.
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Old 02-27-2010, 07:45 AM
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Originally Posted by Whadahay View Post
I didn't believe in "God" when I came into AA. I had no flipp'n idea what people were talking about. Spirituality?? What the?? I thought everyone was brainwashed about this whole "God" talk thing.

And then after hanging around the AA rooms for awhile, I realized that I actually did have my own personal higher power all along = but was too "egotistical" to think along those lines ... I remembered that after my LAST black-out weekend - of which I could have been at the bottom of a river (where I woke up next to), detox, jail, or hostage to a psychotic rapist (it was a predator who bought me drinks all night long).

Right after my black-out weekend, I DID think to myself I won't be given any more chances. If I drink again, there will not be anything protecting me. No more chances to narrowly avoid danger - next time- next time, I will wake up from a black-out and find myself sitting in detox or in jail or hostage to a psycho sadist and be raped viciously or something equally devestating.

When in actuality, my own personal higher power had been protecting me all along from some very dangerous situations. I survived a lot of abusive situations - but I am alive and well. If I had not listened to that thought, I would most likely be continuing the near-fatal alcoholic reckless lifestyle, and I would not be here writing this post.
I myself survived a car crash,...that baffled police. I've survived a drug over dose that baffled doctors,....and so on. I to believe I had a guardian angel looking out for me.
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Old 02-27-2010, 08:17 AM
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Originally Posted by BlueBlaze View Post
E G O

Yep...God will solve my problem....sure. What is God though? The peaceful creator that made us? The same God that made Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini? Oh that's right, free will. I have to remind myself of that excuse.The same "God" that helps me find my keys in the morning or the "God" that watches bulldozers sweep out bodies in Haiti? The "God" that gives us this wonderful disease of addiction? I am not going to replace a crutch with another one. I am just free thinking....Eh, I'm sorry. I am becoming more and more bitter towards the world. I know it is the booze talking. It's always the booze talking.
I totally get where you're coming from,... and it's okay to feel the way you do,...been there. This disease of addiction I do see as a gift because if I didn't have it I wouldn't taken the path I have. AA has opened a whole new positive world to me and I'm grateful for that. So I hope you hang around long enough to discover your potential.
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Old 02-27-2010, 08:52 AM
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Originally Posted by BlueBlaze View Post
I am sorry if I offended anyone that has christian beliefs. That was not my goal. I am just so damn frustrated. I really wish I could believe in God. It would make things so much easier. Hang this addiction on God's coat rack and say " I give up." My brain won't let me do that though. That is ego.
I found this website a few days ago when I "googled" "Atheists alcoholics anonymous". I wanted the support of the good people one finds in the meetings, but I have a really hard time with the whole God and Higher Power thing. What I found was a very good discussion on these forums from 2006; http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hiests-aa.html
My favorite quote in the thread is:

"Hey ****...in my first year of going to meetings, I struggled because I thought I had to put a face or mental image with a HP. However, the Big Book says to choose a God you can understand. The definition of God or HP is different for everyone. For some, it's Christ, Allah, Buddha or whatever...heck I listened to a speaker once who said that for the first four years of his sobriety a huge cottonwood tree was his HP...the man jumped a fence and stumbled through a rough pasture to get to his tree and sit under it and talk to it. And then, as someone else mentioned, for some it is the group itself...alone I am powerless, but two or more alcoholics/addicts gathered together is definitely a power greater than myself."

The concept that I'm working with is "for some it is the group itself...alone I am powerless, but two or more alcoholics/addicts gathered together is definitely a power greater than myself." I just got home from my 5th meeting in the first 5 days of my sobriety. I'm determined to stick with it this time.
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Old 02-27-2010, 11:26 AM
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Good Orderly Direction

Whatever it is it is there to take away your own ego and self-importance. Just chill out and live life on life's terms and Good Orderly Direction will take care of the rest.

Practice a religion of Kindness.
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Old 02-27-2010, 12:36 PM
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Really, thank you. I totally bashed the belief in God, but still you speak to me with warmth and kindness. Offering me help. I was angry and frustrated last night when I wrote my little tirade about God. I see the good in life. I see what is true. What is pure. Like how sometimes you look out a window and for a short moment you feel that clarity. The sun could be setting a certain way that day and you look out the window and feel something. I wouldn't say it would be called hope. Just feeling something that is good. I want that feeling all the time. That things are ok in the world. Nobody hurts.Nobody suffers. I know I will never obtain that peace of mind. So...maybe that is why I drink to escape. ( Oh, and the fact that my entire family have had issues with drinking.) On my mother's side...mental illness..Grandmother(suicide) Grandfather(suicide) My Mom(mental illness)...and now my other side...Dad(Alcoholic) Grandmother(mental illness) Grandfather(normal, or whatever normal is) But of course, he died when I was 18. Poetic really. The main influence in my life dies before I become a man. So, there is my little sob story. A dime a dozen right?

Really though, I want to thank you for being so kind. Been to other message boards and they just seem so filled with hate. Not here though. Thank you all so much.
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Old 02-27-2010, 12:54 PM
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I discovered that you will find more love, compassion and peace from 'recovering' alcoholics and addicts than from almost any other people in society. I find this in the rooms of AA and on SR.

Unlike most things in life there isn't an alterior motive, people trying to get one up on someone else to feed there own self-importance and ego... Unlike almost any other situation in life.

In the rooms of AA and SR everyone is equal. No-one is better than anyone else - just another alcoholic/addict trying to help another and that in itself helps the alcoholic/addict stay sober and contented.

I remember walking into the rooms of AA for the second period of time after a big-relapse and I knew 'recovery' is where it's at.

I was tired of the seedy, calamitous, shady world of active alcoholism/addiction.

ps - If you keep drinking then you are right... you will never be able to achieve peace of mind, that is a certainty for an alclholic... BUT it is possible to achieve peace of mind if you are Honest, Open and willing and embrace a recovery programme such as AA. True peace of mind can be ahcieved. Not just a quick fix like booze and drugs give.


peace and love
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Old 02-27-2010, 07:40 PM
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count me as one who also gets a big ego when drinking. normally i have pretty low self esteem.

give me a few beers, my stupid jokes become witty. the pile of laundry on the floor is no longer dirty but my beautiful artistic droppings.
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Old 02-27-2010, 10:12 PM
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Originally Posted by BlueBlaze View Post
I was angry and frustrated
Just let it rip... Letting your anger out is a good thing. My impression is the people can handle it. We're all pissed to have been this card.
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Old 02-27-2010, 10:58 PM
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Hey BlueBlaze,

Welcome to SR! You'll find an incredible amount of insight, support and kind folks here. I am glad you posted.

I wanted to add my 2 cents here as some of the things you said are absolutely SPOT ON when thinking about myself. First, I am new to recovery. I've just hit 63 days today. I was throwing back at least a pint of whisky every night, and often even more than that. And always with the usual suspects of beer to go along with it. What can I say, I liked to mix 'n' match. My friends and I had a really funny way of beginning our phone conversations when we were ready to commence the drinking and blab about our life's problems on the telephone: "I'm sitting here with my buddy Jack and six of our best friends, trying to figure out how to turn this damn thing around... ". That little riff is the only part of my drinking past that I consider to be funny, and I have to look at it in an ironic way for it to be so.

I've also struggled with my thoughts on society, and how just entirely ridiculous things can be. I've spent time with people who take living an alternative, no-capitalism lifestyle very seriously and I find more often than not there's no alcohol whatsoever in those scenes. Your mileage may vary, of course. All I know is that my mass consumption of alcohol wasn't helping me further my political science study, or getting me any closer to being able to take any kind of an informed and empowered stance against anyone.

My drinking was no secret from anybody, as it turns out (could've fooled me). People I interact with daily see me walking into my living space every day with that little black bag that goes clink-clink when the glass bottle rattles. I disappear into my room and blast the Velvet Underground at top volume and write really mortifying poetry (my strength!). It was fun for a while.

I am not religious, as it happens. I have absolutely nothing against any religion; I am not against anything like that in any way. I'm just more of the Carl Sagan school of thought, that we live on this little pale blue dot in the immense and seemingly unending universe. Having a non-religious mindset didn't prevent me from developing a serious problem that was only going to get much worse if I didn't do something about it, pronto. You can find many paths that touch on the topic of God from every end of the spectrum. Don't let the word God fake you out and take away the opportunity to see and do something truly incredible and empowering.

Whatever path you choose, whichever way you go, I wish you nothing but happiness in your journey. Consider really giving up the drink. I can't even imagine maintaining my life now if alcohol were still involved. I've gone from rolling around in the trunk like luggage into the driver's seat. That is one empowering feeling. I was sick of those golf clubs.

All the best to you.
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Old 02-28-2010, 01:15 AM
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Originally Posted by wichitalineman View Post
I've gone from rolling around in the trunk like luggage into the driver's seat. That is one empowering feeling. I was sick of those golf clubs.
Love this, Witchita - so well said. I want to post this on my desk.
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Old 02-28-2010, 04:32 PM
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Bible bashers are everywhere, not just on this site. It has nothing to do with "god" but only to do with YOU. If you find solace in some other power, well good for you, if not, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
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Old 03-01-2010, 10:24 PM
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I can't believe how much reading things on this forum has helped me.
I was so afraid that I had to believe in a Christian God in order to get sober. Along with alcohol, the idea of believing in God weighed on me so heavy. I always thought, " Well, my brain is not meant to believe...so, I will never get sober...and I will die." Reading what other people have written here...I know I don't have to think that anymore. I can admit to myself what I am and do what I need to do to fix it.

For anyone new that is reading this..PLEASE STAY HERE!!!

I am only 2 days sober, but that is more than I have been for years. My body feels strange and I am still pretty confused but I feel something other than addiction right now. I hope it lasts. (Well, not the body part. This kinda stinks.)

I want to thank everyone on here. Normally my eyes fill up with tears because I am so depressed with life and my mind is filled with mistakes and regret. Right now....my eyes are filled because I can see hope for the first time.

Thank you all so much,
Michael
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Old 03-03-2010, 03:28 PM
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Michael,

Keep posting and checking out the forums here on SR. You'll find loads of support and like minded folks all over the place. I hope your day 3 went well! Keep us in the loop.

Peace,
//_wlx
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Old 03-08-2010, 12:52 PM
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I fell back. Damn it, I can't accept it. I know that I am an alcoholic, but can't accept it. I am a closet drinker. I don't think anyone knows but at the same time, I think they all know.. Feel this burden that if they do know, why don't they say anything? If they don't know...well the Mr. Hyde in my brain is just going to do what he wants. I hope that staying on here and reading other posts I can finally comes to grips with it.
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Old 03-08-2010, 07:10 PM
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Hey BB, you've gotten some great input here. We are all here and in this together. My early recovery efforts were fruitless becasue I was looking for others to offer me a reality check, when in fact, I knew the truth in my heart. It kept me out there for a long, long time because, left on our own, the AV can convince us of anything. I understand that hoping for others to take control of you can be a powerful motivator, but it is MHO that only when we take responsibility for our OWN actions have we planted the seeds of success. It matters less what others think, but it is critical what YOU believe. Whatever you do, do not give up. Getting sober isn't easy, but you are young and have a wonderful life just waiting for you!
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Old 03-08-2010, 08:12 PM
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Hey Michael,

I am sorry to hear about your recent setback. But thankfully, that is all that it was - a setback. You can get back on the horse today and start anew. I fell off and had to get back on many, many, many times. We're talking about a span of hundreds of times falling off and then getting back on. Yes, hundreds. I am sure I am not alone.

I am still new in my recovery, and am still piecing together both the last 10 years of insane drunkenness and the last 72 days of blissful sobriety. I am not totally sure what it was just yet that made quitting this time different, but what I DO know is that I never stopped getting back on the horse every time I fell off for the last 2 years - the last 730.484398 days (according to Google). I can't even begin to relate how many times I felt worthless, how bad I felt at myself for letting myself down over and over and over. And yet... somehow, at the end of last year, just before New Year's, just as the first decade (!) of the 2000s was eeking to a close - that was it. I put the bottle down and have not brought it back up. It only took 729 attempts to get it right, or roughly 10 times the amount of time I have since been sober - got a ways to go to 'hit even' with that one! 729 attempts, 1 success. What a statistic!! Good thing I am not in the NFL.

I think you said *it* right there: "I know that I am an alcoholic, but can't accept it." I myself am not going the AA route, but I think that's gotta be step 1. I happen to think step 1 is one of the most right on things I have ever read, hands down. I highly recommend you give it a good look.

You say you feel this burden that, if those that know you do know about your problem - why don't they say anything? It could be that they are afraid to say anything, for one. They could fear angering or upsetting you. They could not have the internal strength to begin that dialogue with you, for whatever variety of reasons they may have - previous encounters like this that went bad, hidden alcoholism themselves, other fears/worries not covered here.

You could send them a lifeline - you could start that dialogue yourself. Having taken whatever steps necessary to get the ball rolling for yourself with this problem, you could then open the lines of communication for those around you who are otherwise unable to do so. What an empowering way to open the discourse: "Hi, I have a problem. I have not always been straight with you about it, because I have been sick. Now, I have the strength to address the issue and I want to talk to you about it." And off you go from there! If they do know about your problem and are concerned for you but can't say anything for some reason, imagine the surprise and the subsequent waves of relief they would experience...

Naturally you would fill in the blanks with appropriate statements and the like, depending on the situation, but the principle stands. You could do a whole lot worse in opening this dialogue with them via a DUI/court/jail thing, cheating on your significant other whilst intoxicated, or doing some such other horrendous thing that we all would only do while drunk that 'outs' you and your problem to the community at large. You still have the opportunity to get out ahead of this thing! I hope you take advantage of your good field position to do such a thing.

Keep quitting, keep posting, keep coming back - and take care of yourself. We want to keep hearing from you.

Peace,
//_wlx

Last edited by wichitalineman; 03-08-2010 at 08:22 PM. Reason: Typographical error.
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Old 03-13-2010, 04:48 AM
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It's been a few days since I have logged on. Running away from the problem either further I guess. I just don't want to face it. Bottom line. I don't want to face that I became my father. Don't want to face how many people I have lied to over the years just so I could drink. How manipulative I was. Still am. Hell, even in high school I manipulated teachers and my friends to get what I wanted. I didn't even drink then but I always got what I wanted. Am I monster? I feel like I am becoming one.

I feel so strange these days. Like right now I can't sleep because I am starting to quit again. I needed the drink to go to sleep. Being up all night is not freeing. It sucks. Just want to get a few drinks in me and go to bed. How would that help though? It won't. It will just take me back to where I was. I just can't accept it.

I work in the criminal justice field.(not a police officer) and see the damage of substance abuse. There is a huge meth problem where I live. I see it. Every single day. I walk into court rooms and see these people. I look down on them for some reason. Meanwhile, I myself struggle with alcohol. Why do I do this? How in the hell have I been able to hide myself so well? Gaaahh!!! I hate this.
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Old 03-14-2010, 12:24 AM
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Please tell me how to explain to my family what I am. Please. God please. This secret and this addiction is killing me. I don't even believe in God but I am asking for his help now. I just want to grow old. That is really all I want. Just to grow old with my family. I took my step daughter out for bowling tonight. I tried my best to have a good time but my body felt horrible. I noticed that my hand was shaking a bit. Made me understand that all my lies will eventually come back and slap me in the face. How do I get truly sober? I am so scared. I don't want this to be the end.
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Old 03-14-2010, 08:27 AM
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I'm new to this myself... total honesty with yourself is a great start. What about a meeting? Give it a try? keep reading and posting, you'll get a lot more support. Thanks for sharing with us.
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