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Old 02-07-2010, 08:55 AM   #1 (permalink)
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H is starting to relax and share his thoughts with me about this


I've posted before that my H was less than stunned and amazed by my early sobriety, and that I found that discouraging, etc. Well, I'm on day 43 today, have 6 sober weekends under my belt, and he is finally starting to open up a bit. He told me it is so nice not to have to "babysit" me anymore. Or worry about me accidentally hurting myself seriously. He said in his mind, it wasn't a matter of if but when, and it was on his mind constantly.

I shared with him that it's such a relief for me not to be worrying about how my drinking looks, or when or if I'll black out and on and on. What I didn't realize was he had all this worry too. I never realized that. But he shared it with me, and freely gave me credit for not drinking, and actually thanked me for it.

I thought it was a great breakthrough, and makes me feel like we're on the 'same side', that I am on the way to becoming a trusted partner on this vs. the alternative.

It felt really really good not to disappoint him.

:day6
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Old 02-07-2010, 11:23 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Sounds like his faith in you is increasing and things are going really well for you.
You deserve it. You have worked hard to get to where you are. Keep it up.
for your results and your husband rocks to for giving you the support you want and need.
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Old 02-07-2010, 11:27 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Hi there. Speaking from the other side and being the SO of an alcoholic, I have to say... I'll bet he wasn't ready to share feelings until he felt more relaxed that you were really doing it. He was probably waiting for the shoe to drop. Just my opinion,but I think that's how I'd feel... no I know I have felt like that, I would feel like that... I do feel like that.

Good for you being sober! Keep working together... that's awesome.
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Old 02-07-2010, 12:25 PM   #4 (permalink)
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That's great. I am pleased things are changing for you in the right direction.
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Old 02-07-2010, 12:47 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I'm glad you're both on "the same side" now and that you have his support.
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Old 02-07-2010, 12:57 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Glad you are moving forward.
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Old 02-07-2010, 01:26 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Glad you feel like you're both on the same side now, HS

D
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Old 02-07-2010, 02:06 PM   #8 (permalink)
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That's great, HS!

In my experience, the best way to show your spouse that you are changing, is by doing it and it sounds like things are going well.
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Old 02-07-2010, 06:43 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Thanks all, especially Ellymae - I appreciate your feedback! I honest to God had no idea that all of this weighed on his mind and heart to this extent. I was shocked to hear from him that he used to think of what he'd have to tell the police if I fell and hit my head and seriously injured myself. What a horrible burden he had, and for so long. Probably sounds unbelievable, but it honestly didn't occur to me while circling the drain myself.
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Old 02-07-2010, 09:34 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Oh, if only the A's did know how it weighed on the non-drinkers. If my abf would get sober, I think he'd be shocked as well. For us, we wonder why alcoholics CAN'T see. It's sort of nice and sort of sad to hear that you had no idea. Nice because, then we can see they're not doing it on purpose, not doing it to hurt friends and family. Sad because it's really debilitating, huh....

Keep the sober up!!!!!
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Old 02-07-2010, 11:20 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Elley...I know it seems totally crazy that the alcoholic can't see the path of destruction. As for me, I only thought I was hurting myself when I was drinking. I was so self-absorbed and down a rabbit hole with my drinking I could've never had the perspective to see what I am now discovering...in many areas. Usually, I'd drink away 1/2 the weekend, and then spend all of Sunday completely sick, horribly sick - praying for sleep so I could get through the worst of it. My husband couldn't talk to me where I'd understand anything in that state. I would've heard that as a "lecture". So, I'd have no chance of being exposed to his inner thoughts and worries, because my drinking/hangover/anxiety over it all drama took center stage. And on Monday, I'd be just trying to get through a shower without dry heaving. It was that gritty...

Also, toward the end of my drinking, I started to hate myself so much for it, for not being able to control it, that frankly I would've been shocked had he told me of his deepest fears for me. I mean, if I hated myself that much, how could anyone else possibly love me? I just felt that he was angry with me for being "bad". I'm sure he was angry, but it was because he loved me and couldn't help me...I had myself convinced that I was just an awful person for not being 'normal' like everyone else. Also, I spent so much mental energy just trying to wrestle with, "I'll quit after this weekend, or maybe not because maybe I'm making too much of this, etc. etc." that I have no idea how I had any brain cell available to work on any other issue in my life. But at the time, because I had no sober frame of reference, I just didn't know what I didn't know.

I do believe that until drinking becomes too painful for your abf, he will continue drinking. You cannot take it personally if he doesn't stop...it has zero to do with you, and everything to do with him. You cannot change him. There's nothing you can do in that regard, meaning, you can't be responsible for it. Only he can make a change. The choice you have to make is what you're willing to put up with, knowing what you know...

You're in a tough spot, and my heart goes out to you.
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