Elley...I know it seems totally crazy that the alcoholic can't see the path of destruction. As for me, I only thought I was hurting myself when I was drinking. I was so self-absorbed and down a rabbit hole with my drinking I could've never had the perspective to see what I am now discovering...in many areas. Usually, I'd drink away 1/2 the weekend, and then spend all of Sunday completely sick, horribly sick - praying for sleep so I could get through the worst of it. My husband couldn't talk to me where I'd understand anything in that state. I would've heard that as a "lecture". So, I'd have no chance of being exposed to his inner thoughts and worries, because my drinking/hangover/anxiety over it all drama took center stage. And on Monday, I'd be just trying to get through a shower without dry heaving. It was that gritty...
Also, toward the end of my drinking, I started to hate myself so much for it, for not being able to control it, that frankly I would've been shocked had he told me of his deepest fears for me. I mean, if I hated myself that much, how could anyone else possibly love me? I just felt that he was angry with me for being "bad". I'm sure he was angry, but it was because he loved me and couldn't help me...I had myself convinced that I was just an awful person for not being 'normal' like everyone else. Also, I spent so much mental energy just trying to wrestle with, "I'll quit after this weekend, or maybe not because maybe I'm making too much of this, etc. etc." that I have no idea how I had any brain cell available to work on any other issue in my life. But at the time, because I had no sober frame of reference, I just didn't know what I didn't know.
I do believe that until drinking becomes too painful for your abf, he will continue drinking. You cannot take it personally if he doesn't stop...it has zero to do with you, and everything to do with him. You cannot change him. There's nothing you can do in that regard, meaning, you can't be responsible for it. Only he can make a change. The choice you have to make is what you're willing to put up with, knowing what you know...
You're in a tough spot, and my heart goes out to you.