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relapsing, over and over and over again

Old 02-02-2010, 01:51 PM
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kae
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relapsing, over and over and over again

2/2/10

hopefully i will be able to say this is the start of a new journey. to give a little background on myself, i have been trying to get clean since the very beginning when i became addicted to heroin in march of 07. i went into rehab in may and again in september of 07. in 08 i checked myself into rehab, to only stay for the detox and left. i used every single day for almost a yr and a half and went into rehab this past summer in july 09. right when i got out i relapsed. i finally decided to quit cold turkey in december. i was saying i was clean and sober, but in the end i wasn't. i was clean from heroin, but still drinking and smoking pot on occasion because it is the "normal" thing to do, and i'm "only" 21. Since the beginning of January i have been using dope consistently, every 2-3 days. It started off 2 times a week, to 3 times a week, to every 2-3 days, and if i don't use for that one day in between I'm fine, but I'm really not. I was trying to do things my way, as usual, but I guess I'm surrendering, and am going to do this the right way. I am not going to drink or smoke pot, I am going to work the steps and get a sponsor, and really try. I kind of have an obstacle though with my parents, especially my mom with going to meetings. She sees it that I really don't want to change and I just want to hang out with other "drug addicts" so I have to hide it from her. She is really not supportive of me in all of this and my recovery because she says I should have never started in the first place and this is all my fault. There should be no reason whatsoever I should ever pick up heroin again no matter how horrible I feel, or what is going on in my life. I feel like i should hide this from her or things will be more chaotic, and I might even get kicked out of my house for going to meetings. I absolutely hate lying when I am sober, but then I tell myself, it is for the better, and in the end everyone is going to be happy. My mom is upset at me right now because I went out last night during the week and I have school work, so I won't be able to make any meetings until Friday. It's not exactly that I'm not allowed to go out, but I just want everything to always run smoothly, and it's just better to do what she wants me to do instead of fighting and having to listen to her yell. It's always her way or the highway, and there is no other way. I don't know exactly what I am trying to get out of this post with the responses. I guess people's opinions on what I should do to help me stay clean in the end.
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Old 02-02-2010, 02:01 PM
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Hi Kae,

Welcome!

I'm glad you found us and this can be the last time you have to go through this.

I think it's great that you're still in school and working on your education. Your Mom is probably concerned that you won't finish school. And, it's really, really hard for others to understand how hard it is to deal with addiction. That's why it's good to come here, because we get it.

It's hard to fully commit to recovery and it involves lots of changes in your life, but know that you can do it!
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Old 02-02-2010, 02:22 PM
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I'm sorry your mom isn't supporting you in your recovery. Is there anyone who could talk to her about it? Give her a different perspective? Meetings can be very helpful in keeping you clean and sober, it's a shame she only sees it as 'hanging out with other addicts'.

In the meantime, please check out our other forums. There's one for substance abuse and another one for alcoholism. Lots of support and good info here. I hope it helps you in your recovery.

Welcome to SR!
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Old 02-02-2010, 02:40 PM
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Kae.... I applaud you desire to stay clean and sober and do what it takes .. first and most importly is being honnest,
You say your Mom isnt supportive of your choice to attend a meeting . Well shes not supportive of your using drugs but you do it , so why not just apply the the same effort into a f2f meeting ?
Set some boundries with yourself and your family memebers . Hun you dont want it to get any worse then it already is , your family loves you and they want you to be well , and if going to a AA meeting is what you really want then you should , by being upfront and honnest with them and telling them that your recovery depends on it , maybe they can start to understand. Most people who have never had a problem with any form of addiction assume that its as easy as flipping a lite switch , If it were that way . We all wouldnt be here now would we .
But please sit your family down and open up to them on EVERYTHING . no holds bars honnesty ..
And something else .. date your recovery !! ~ huggles Endzy ~
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Old 02-02-2010, 03:20 PM
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Hi Kae! Welcome to SR! I am CrackQuack, 11 months clean (tomorrow is my 1 year!). My DOC (drug of choice) is crack cocaine.
You feel ready to commit to getting and staying clean, yet your mother doesn't seem supportive. It could be she needs to go to Al-anon or Nar-anon to learn some things about caring for or loving an addict. It could be maybe she feels it's hopeless and you'll never quit. BUT, and I mean BUT, her feelings, as hard as it may be, are something you can do nothing about.
It doesn't seem that doing what she wants you to do is working. You're still using. Doing it your way or her way is not working. So try something different.
Do you have somewhere else to stay? If only temporarily? GO THERE. Especially if she is threatening to kick you out over going to a meeting. You are going there NOT to hang out with other addicts, but to learn how to get and stay clean and hang out with RECOVERING addicts.
Hiding it from her may create resentments. It may give your addiction an excuse to convince you to use again! You cannot risk this. Yet you cannot base everything on your mother's reaction to.
I highly recommend that she either find somewhere online to do some research or get herself to meetings herself. Ones with others like her. People who love an addict. She may start to come around and she may not. That is not your problem. Your problem is your addiction.
KUDOS to you for also giving up pot and alcohol! I never fully commited to not drinking, as I never had a problem with drinking, but I haven't drank because I also didn't want it to lead me back to crack.
Feel free to explore SR. This place is my FAVORITE. I know it played a HUGE part in my staying clean! Lots of information, advice, comfort, tough love, and, most of all, RECOVERY! You'll find addicts in all different stages of recovery, but the important part is we're trying. Keep coming back!
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Old 02-02-2010, 03:26 PM
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Hi Kae

Welcome to the boards
As least suggested, do come check out the substance abuse board as well - you'll find a lot of experience and support down there too

Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

D
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Old 02-03-2010, 01:12 AM
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Hi Kae,

Just a couple things...

Big lesson I finally learned- just because you have been a chronic relapser, does not mean you will be. I just reached 6 months a few days ago and had never made it that long since I was 13 or 14 years old. The fact that I had failed at sobriety in the past kept me in a pretty bad cycle... it seemed hopeless. It absolutely doesn't have to be, though.

When I first started trying to get sober I think I was 25 (29 now). I remember thinking that I was "too young" to "really" get sober then. Boy, I wish I hadn't spent the next few years miserably testing that theory! But alas. I did go into treatment and met a great guy who was kicking meth. He was also about to turn 21. I can still remember I had such a clear picture of how that was going to work out... a little drinking (my problem's meth, not beer! I'm 21 years old!), followed by maybe some pot, then the drug of choice. That good-hearted guy was in jail the last time I spoke to his step-mom.

Finally, meetings are great, but I am curious as to why no-one has addressed what your mother may be afraid of... It is my concern also: Find and stick with long sober people (old-timers). There is no reason at this point to hook up with or socialize with other newcomers. Especially, and I hate to say it, younger ones. This is also from personal experience. I met a girl my age at a meeting and we ended up drinking together rather quickly.

So, I understand where you're coming from all around (though my DOC is alcohol). I firmly stand behind each my suggestions and wish the best for you. This forum is a great place to both learn about your addiction and take your mind off it. I don't know if that makes sense... Sharing and reading helps relieve some of the anxiety for me.

Oh, and I remember when I could get a month or two together I would tell my mother about it and always got shot down. Her response? "That's what people do. They get up and go to work. They don't drink all day. What do you want from me?" My kinda sad philosophy about dealing with a lack of familial support? Don't go to the well when you know there isn't water there.
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Old 02-03-2010, 01:29 AM
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recovery

hey Thanks for this informative site about working it. I really enjoy being a working wonder full site . i get it .
jacob


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Old 02-03-2010, 01:35 AM
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HI Jacob123! Welcome to SR!!!! I am glad you like it here. Would you like to start your own thread and introduce yourself? I know we'd love to learn more about you and meet you in a better way! Some may not find you here in this thread. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask! Don't hesitate.
And btw, I am CrackQuack, ONE YEAR CLEAN (today!). My drug of choice is crack cocaine. I am so glad you joined SR! Keep coming back!
And look around! So much information, support, tough love, love, and RECOVERY going on here!
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Old 02-03-2010, 01:48 AM
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((Kae))

Don't know what to add... but I wish you the best and hope you get past this part...


& welcome Jacob...

Take care of yourself,
TB
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