kae

2/2/10

hopefully i will be able to say this is the start of a new journey. to give a little background on myself, i have been trying to get clean since the very beginning when i became addicted to heroin in march of 07. i went into rehab in may and again in september of 07. in 08 i checked myself into rehab, to only stay for the detox and left. i used every single day for almost a yr and a half and went into rehab this past summer in july 09. right when i got out i relapsed. i finally decided to quit cold turkey in december. i was saying i was clean and sober, but in the end i wasn't. i was clean from heroin, but still drinking and smoking pot on occasion because it is the "normal" thing to do, and i'm "only" 21. Since the beginning of January i have been using dope consistently, every 2-3 days. It started off 2 times a week, to 3 times a week, to every 2-3 days, and if i don't use for that one day in between I'm fine, but I'm really not. I was trying to do things my way, as usual, but I guess I'm surrendering, and am going to do this the right way. I am not going to drink or smoke pot, I am going to work the steps and get a sponsor, and really try. I kind of have an obstacle though with my parents, especially my mom with going to meetings. She sees it that I really don't want to change and I just want to hang out with other "drug addicts" so I have to hide it from her. She is really not supportive of me in all of this and my recovery because she says I should have never started in the first place and this is all my fault. There should be no reason whatsoever I should ever pick up heroin again no matter how horrible I feel, or what is going on in my life. I feel like i should hide this from her or things will be more chaotic, and I might even get kicked out of my house for going to meetings. I absolutely hate lying when I am sober, but then I tell myself, it is for the better, and in the end everyone is going to be happy. My mom is upset at me right now because I went out last night during the week and I have school work, so I won't be able to make any meetings until Friday. It's not exactly that I'm not allowed to go out, but I just want everything to always run smoothly, and it's just better to do what she wants me to do instead of fighting and having to listen to her yell. It's always her way or the highway, and there is no other way. I don't know exactly what I am trying to get out of this post with the responses. I guess people's opinions on what I should do to help me stay clean in the end.