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A lower low than rock bottom...

Old 02-01-2010, 06:47 AM
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A lower low than rock bottom...

Its been a while since i have been here i hope you all let me drop some weight off my shoulders because i cant carry it much further......

So night before last, which was my 29th day sober, i decide that maybe i can have one drink... one turned into 12, 12 into 24,, into a fifth... you all know the story..well i go to my local hangout bar...not realizing how drunk i am getting..drinking whatever my "friends" are giving me ahh long time no see friend have half my bottle, heres a bucket of beer... and meeting new friends that were much obliged to help me in my straight free fall...well all of a sudden someone hits me blindsided... and im a big boy... i can take care of myself... the bouncers there, are my "friends" and they know how i get when im blizted, they wanna get me outta here before i hurt this lil guy...well after 20 minutes of them (6) guys "helping" me to the car i decide, well lonely, your drunk and broke and u have no smokes.. lets go see dad at 3 in the morning....me and dad haven't spoke since i walked of the job, working for him...so he wont give me the money for a pack of smokes i just go off telling him exactly what my family and myself really think of him....as true as most of it was, it as something you dont tell your dad.... or even act like it toward your dad, following me? So i go to leave after a 1/2 hour of a screaming match.. i go to leave and floor it right into a tree and almost knock the hole back end off my car tryin to see how bad ass i can tear out? i guess i dont even know..wind up coming back and passing out in the car and having to call mom whos stayin with my grandma cause shes hurt her arm at
5 erso..yes, i totaled my car out in the driveway...
.soo..... this is day2 well call it, Thanx for listening and sorry for the bad punctuation and grammer ... i really dont have anyone else to talk to..
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Old 02-01-2010, 07:22 AM
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Been through basically the same type of situation more than once. I wish I would have learned the first or second time it would have saved a lot of people a lot of pain. I can tell you these type of situations will repeat if you continue to pick up. It never gets better only worse.
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Old 02-01-2010, 08:18 AM
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I'm glad you decided to stop drinking and join out supportive family. Staying sober isn't easy but is well worth the effort.
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Old 02-01-2010, 08:21 AM
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Old 02-01-2010, 10:27 AM
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Well that sounds like quite the evening Lonleyranger.
I blew my 27 days on Saturday also but I had a very tame evening compared to your episode.
All we can do is get up, dust ourselves off and try again.
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Old 02-01-2010, 10:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Lonelyranger View Post
i decide that maybe i can have one drink... one turned into 12, 12 into 24,, into a fifth... you all know the story..
This is the whole deal, Lonelyranger. This is the truth I had to learn about alcoholism. I know where that one drink is going to take me (the same place it took you; 1 becomes a bottle and waking up behind the wheel of a smashed car). That's the easy part to figure out.

The hard part for me was to get my head wrapped around was the "i decide that maybe I can have one drink." That's the delusion, mental obsession that defines the lack of power I have towards alcohol.

I learned that it isn't really a decision for me. It's what the alcoholic mind will always choose. And I'll make up some insane thinking (like maybe I can just have one) to have that 'choice' make some sense to me.

It's not really a choice. When I crossed that line into alcoholism, I lost the power to choose. That's what I mean when I use the word alcoholism.

So now what? My experience shows me that if I try and make that same choice again, I'll have the same results. In fact, that's what the founders of AA discovered as well. They could always try and make that choice; they just couldn't manage that choice.

Originally Posted by AA Big Book, 1st Ed.
They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.
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Old 02-01-2010, 10:51 AM
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Well I am glad you made it back, what were you doing in the ways of recovery to stay sober thoise 29 days?

Perhaps you should check out some other options that work for others?
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Old 02-01-2010, 11:41 AM
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Welcome back, LR... been a while.

Seems we both were up to about the same thing...

Here's to wishing and working to put those days behind us.

Take care of yourself, and stay safe,
TB
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Old 02-01-2010, 12:49 PM
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Ranger

Dude, I can't control it either...it has cost me everything...and I still know the feeling...this time I can just have a few...ran truck into a ditch...cracked windshield with my hand...don't want to fix the windshield...I look through it every day and it reminds me how f**** up I have been...I found a wonderful woman who loved me with all her heart...messed that up too...I just want it to stop...and I am ramblin and shouldn't even be here in my condition...sorry, guess that wasn't much help...just know how you feel
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Old 02-01-2010, 01:56 PM
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You say you don't really have anyone else to talk to? Maybe you should try some face to face recovery.... meetings and/or counseling, get a sponsor, and some real live, recovery friends.
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Old 02-01-2010, 03:58 PM
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welcome back lonely ranger

I could always do a week, maybe two, sometimes even 30 days 'dry' but I always came back.

It took me twenty years to work out I needed to change me, and my life.
There's a better way to live, lonely - if you allow yourself the chance

D
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Old 02-01-2010, 05:18 PM
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Damm Dude!
Tossing a little humor here.. How is the tree?
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Old 02-01-2010, 05:29 PM
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Arrests didn't bottom me out; calling the Parents and GF and not remembering what I said did... Hope you find a way. Humbly starting month 7.
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Old 02-01-2010, 06:10 PM
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Thanx guys, nice to see some familiar faces along with the new.
Does anyone know were i can get a copy of the big book? I have skimmed through it once before but i wasnt ready to take what it had to say.
Lynx, my car had those punch marks on em to along with the drunken mailbox dings random dents and pings. I lost one of the women i loved too which is when i started drinking that was back in 04.
All i have been doing since is sleeping and gritting my teeth and going through moment after moment. That is the odd thing ive drank less and not remembered anything but this time in particular i remember everything.. Thanx again guys... If it helps i missed you guys
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Old 02-01-2010, 06:26 PM
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"Does anyone know were i can get a copy of the big book"?

This might hold you over until you can get one. A lot of Groups sell them and a lot give them away.
Big Book

See if you can get another 29 days in before you drink again. When it comes to quitting drinking, It takes what it takes. If you don't drink today you'll be OK. Repeat the process tomorrow.
Someday you may thank God for puting that tree in your way.
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Old 02-01-2010, 06:27 PM
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Lonely, your post made me cringe for you. I've done similar things during my drinking career. Thank you for reminding me I can never put myself through that again. I tried for so many years to control the amounts I drank. I never - not once - ever did. Wish it hadn't taken me so long to admit it.

I hope you get yourself the help you need and will stay here with us. You are never alone. You can get rid of the poison and have a whole new life.
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Old 02-01-2010, 07:01 PM
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Been there
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Old 02-01-2010, 07:51 PM
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Maybe....hopefully that was your bottom.

Glad you're here.
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Old 02-01-2010, 08:06 PM
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Ouch, I bet that was as painful to write as it was to read. I completely understand how you are feeling, thanks for the reminder, you have helped me stay sober today. I so remember my own episodes while drinking (the ones I didn't remember due to blackout were painfully told to me while hungover or starting my next drunk)....it is a horrible feeling. I suggest you hang on this memory (don't keep beating yourself up over it though) it will help keep you sober in the long run..."lest we forget"

Cathy
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