Lonely, your post made me cringe for you. I've done similar things during my drinking career. Thank you for reminding me I can never put myself through that again. I tried for so many years to control the amounts I drank. I never - not once - ever did. Wish it hadn't taken me so long to admit it.
I hope you get yourself the help you need and will stay here with us. You are never alone. You can get rid of the poison and have a whole new life.