AlonebutHopeful

So, as you can tell from my join date, I'm not new to this recovery thing. I have detoxed about a billion times. Each time, I cry in agony, "I'm never going to do this to myself again!". And then a couple of weeks later, I'm feeling fine, decide I can have one little pill. . to make more playful. Happier. Like everyone else. And then of course, it all starts over again.

For the past 6 years I've taken on and off 8 or 9 vicodin. On my darkest days, 15. I want to know what it's like to feel normal AND happy. On my own. For good. I just don't have faith in myself or goodness or dare I say God?

Thank you for listening. Maybe I'll get it right this time.

HumbleBee

Welcome back! You're certainly not alone and reaching out means you are hopeful. Failure is not in never succeeding, but in not continuing to try.

Maybe this time is "it" for you. You're in good company and support here. Look forward to hearing more from you...

Best wishes ~
HBee

Horselover

Welcome back. You CAN succeed! Don't give up. I think you have to be able to go whatever lengths in order to recover. What have you tried before? What can you do differently this time? Don't regret the past, but learn from it.

Anna

Hi,

You are not alone!

I would ask you what changes you have made in your life, after detoxing, in the past? I had to change my life and myself a lot in order to recover. I hope this will be the last time for you to go through this pain.

AlonebutHopeful

I don't really know what to change. THe main problem I think is just wanting the desire to go away. I will be healthy and happy (reasonably) and then husband will tempt me. He is not such a good influence on me. So, I either need to separate myself from the desire or him. And I don't want to from him at all. He has promised not to bring them around me. He does not have the same problem with them like I do. They take over me. While he has other things in his life to distract himself with. Work, hobbies, friends. I am a stay at home mom. Maybe it's time to put the baby in daycare? I don't know. Totally rambling.

Anna

Well, I think looking at all your options is a good idea. The decisions that need to be made in early recovery are often very, very hard to make. My problem was with alcohol, but I KNOW that if my husband was tempting me with drinks, during early recovery, I never would have made it.

Horselover

I am a stay at home mom too. I had to change my routine around. Your DOC is pills right? Mine is alcohol or wine to be precise. I had to not be around the kitchen between 4 to 6 pm and that is as difficult as difficult can be. Well for the first week I managed that and then the second week I cooked breakfast for dinner because that didn't punch any craving buttons for me. Drinking wine with pancakes was a stretch for even me. I eventually kept mixing things up until I could finally be around the kitchen at that time and I was okay. I also posted and posted and pm'd friends around here too. I made it my mantra "I will do anything but pour that stuff into my body again."

So you see what I am getting at is that you must change things in order to make it. I eventually stopped the white knuckling and starting reading and meditating. Meditation can help you through the anxiety. Change also has to come from the inside too, but at first I worked on getting rid of the compulsion and then and still am working on the mind.

Have you consulted a doctor because you really should?

Dee74

Welcome back

One of the reasons SR is so good is that there's always support here - no matter whats going on with our loved ones.

You know not taking stuff is the best thing for you to do - you'll always find support and advice here

D

SeekSobriety

What has worked for me is weekly counseling and regular attendance and involvement in support groups.
There is a reason the pills or the drinks are something we are craving, we are trying to escape or "feel" better inside because we don't feel good. With a therapist and counseling we can get to the bottom of this. It is alot easier to give up pills and drinks when we no longer "Need" them to feel ok about ourselves.

Thanks for letting me share. I wish you only the best in this new year.
You can do this! Together we totally can do this.

AlonebutHopeful

I was diagnosed with clinical depression in 1995. Paxil worked for a long long time. Then it just stopped. I realize that I have been self medicating. And poorly at that lol!
I am this close to going to a meeting. Would prefer going to a women's only group as I have a tendency to get hit on a lot (there's no way to say that and not sound awfully vain) but it really is a concern for me. Maybe its something I do to attract attention. . .or what. Just that is the only thing stopping me right now.

I really really appreciate everyone's replies. You don't know what it means to me to be able to talk to someone. Nobody knows but my husband. Or so I hope.

Anna

If your antidepressant stopped working, it might be a good idea to talk to your dr about it. There could be other options that would work for you.

Horselover

Nothing wrong with honesty and I would prefer women's only groups because I find women easier to open up to (outside of my husband). There is a woman's only forum on SR too if you are interested. Its further down the page. Glad you've joined SR.