Dee74

Mine too spen - but we're not too old yet to learn some new tricks

D

DayTrader

Spen....... I'm no doctor but I'm guessing it wasn't PAWS.... it was the other "prongs" of alcoholism.

AA talks about alcoholism being a 3-pronged disease: Physical / Mental / Spiritual. Just getting physically sober (aka: Dry) still leaves us 2/3's drunk. Maybe that feeling of "missing something" was coming from the other 2/3's? I sure didn't WANT to believe that myself but when I started addressing the mental stuff in AA and with a therapist I felt better........but was still missing something. When I'm taking actions to address the spiritual drunkenness, only then do I start feeling whole again.

Good luck with AA. And don't feel like a failure for having to give it another try.....none of us wanted to be there. AA sure isn't a "volunteer program." Just about everyone gets dragged in against their will - lol.

spen71

Thanks Day trader. Ever since I can remember I have felt that something is missing with life. People say do not be silly. You have a good woman, beautiful kids, a growing business and your own house. BUT I still feel that something is missing. As U2 sang "I still havent found what I am looking for".

Or am I still looking for excuses?

spen71

Well a update. On day 3 now and do not feel too bad just a bit jittery and lack of sleep (3 year old daughter does not help lol). Patched things up with OH a bit so will see how it goes.

Was meant to go to AA last night but (excuses excuses) got stuck working (I am self-employed). I have cleared my diary for Thursday evening so I will make one then.

Tried to make an appointment with my doctor but he was full for this week and on annual leave after. HE is the only one I can really talk to so not sure what to do. The reason why I want to see him is what can be done about the feelings I have after 3 weeks sober. I seem to get moany about little things, have no energy and have lots of negative thoughts/feelings.

Thanks for your support.

DayTrader

I had a wife that I thought was pretty hot, she had a smokin body, we were making about 300k per year, drove nice cars, had an awesome house in a nice subdivision, had lots of friends, played lots of golf, talked to my family (but didn't like it too much.......just did it cuz I felt it was the right thing to do, yanno), went to church every Sunday, etc etc etc.. I had a whooooole scoresheet that told me life was going well. Internally, however, I was still "not there" yet. I knew I was behind the game.... I needed a nicer this, more of that, a better such-and-such, I needed to have better everything. As much as I tried, I just couldn't get comfortable with where I was (because I just KNEW if I had more and/or better everything I'd finally feel good).

Drinking didn't solve those problems but it sure as hell helped me forget them for the time being. Drink was like a vacation from my head and my thoughts. Best thing about booze was......it WORKED......WELL.........EVERY SINGLE TIME. Over time though, I lost the ability to "control" my drinking. It got to where I couldn't stay stopped (the few times I wanted to stop) and I couldn't control how much I drank. Every time I started, I'd end up drunk. I was an alcoholic and had NO clue. I mean, HOW COULD I BE? I had all this stuff that alcoholics don't have (wife, job, cars, toys, friends, responsibilities, etc). Truth is, I was powerless over booze once I took my first drink. Each "just one or two" always turned into more than I intended to drink. Quite simply, I was an alcoholic.

I thought AA was just a club of ppl who got together and didn't drink.....talked about not drinking........and bitched and moaned about all the other problems in their lives. That happens once and a while in AA but that's not real AA. Once I spent some time at those meetings and got connected with some ppl who had felt the way I did but were now happy, I started doing what they said they did. Monkey see - monkey do. Best thing I ever did.... Life feels whole now. I sometimes sink back into that OLD thinking but it's for brief stints. The 12 steps of AA filled in the holes of my life - and I was SURE it wouldn't......... Once those holes were filled in, there was no NEED for me to drink again. There was nothing left to cope with. Life got easier to deal with.

There IS a better life for you, no question. Hopefully you're willing to make some changes to get what you're missing out on. It's there if you want it.

spen71

Update. On day 8 now and do not feel too bad. Had a few nights or restless sleep but last night was a lot better (probably as my 3 year old slept through too). Been a bit up and down at times but nothing too bad. Got to keep my guard up as the last couple of times have been like this and I have send up back in the viscous circle.

spen71

On day 22 now. Not really had any cravings as such BUT the negative thoughts and feelings are returning. This is what normally happens and then I fall off the wagon around the one month mark. I suppose I best get down the docs and speak to him really and see if he can get some proffessional help for me.

endlesspatience

That's great that you reached day 22. I do understand when you say you feel bad about certain things in your life and there's a sense of something missing. Have you looked back at your posts from December? Do you remember what it was like when you turned up at your parents' home for Christmas, leaving behind your wife and kids? The reason I remind you of this, my friend, is I had to do pretty much the same thing six months ago and it was incredibly painful and distressing. Has it been an easy ride since? No not all the time. Has it been generally better? Certainly. Have there been very good weeks/months? Yes, and for me they have involved eating properly, being honest with other people, going to AA very regularly, building friendships and working the 12 steps. As my sponsor said to me the other day, don't expect to solve all your problems in one go. The problem to work on now is drinking. Now I need to sit down with him and talk about how to safeguard against any further relapse.

JJB

Congratulations Spen on your 22 days.
Going to get professional help sounds like a good idea.
And keep posting!

NEOMARXIST

Getting as much help as possible certainly is no bad thing. Just remeber throughout that your priority throughout has to be to stay sober 'just for today'. Without that then trying to treat mental health problems is like just p*ssing in the wind.

You can get all the help you need freely available on the NHS. AA is free and SR free. You can literally get your mind and life sorted for free. Just a desire and willingness to work through 'one day at a time' and stay sober no matter what.

When you go to doctor be clear as to the strategy you feel will benefit you. It may help to make it clear that you wish to have mental health help outside of the fact that you're an alcoholic. Just my experience. Remember that doctors and mental health proffessionals are not alkies themselves. Be clear as to the strategy you wish to take. Don't get fobbed off with something you don't believe to be true to your situation.

Remember in the medical field it is ran and researched by non alcoholics and addicts. So they often don't view as alcoholism as in people but rather than in the bottle itself. Like I say they ain't alkies themselves.

I got to 9 months sober untill I referred myself for this reason. I wanted to have my mind clear as to what I know needed to be done and what definately wasn't my alcoholism.

All The Best

spen71

well onto day 31. Feel mostly ok apart from the old negative feelings. The worst of which I jsut keep think that life is just drifting by and what is the point.

NEOMARXIST

Nice one on day 31 mate!!

Don't be afraid to seek out the necessary help!!

Peace

Toronto68

"well onto day 31. Feel mostly ok apart from the old negative feelings. The worst of which I jsut keep think that life is just drifting by and what is the point. "

Well, if you mean what is the point in drinking, that is worth emphasizing. Life is going to drift by and I think it's better to live it and we don't do that through drinking; not us.

Dee74

You know, life drifts by if we let it Spen.

It might just be a PAWs thing - or you might be like me.

I was surprised to learn getting sober was not a magic wand - I wasn't drinking but I wasn't happy either.

Finding out what made me happy (or why I was unhappy) was as important as not drinking, spen.

D

spen71

Thats just it. I am not happy drinking and not happy while not drinking. As my other half says "I will not ever be happy"

NEOMARXIST

I can relate. I was Miserable and tortured when I drank but feeling equally as crap when not drinking.

That is where the real recovery work starts. Working a recovery program that changes the sober mind into being peaceful, grateful and content with life. It is possible.

Peace

DayTrader

Well my man.... I know the feeling. Like has been mentioned, it might be PAWS... but it might be something else that you haven't considered. If it's PAWS, it should go away on it's own as you get a little bit more time under your belt. For me, the more time I got, the worse it got.....until I just said "F-this... before I just wanted a drink...now I neeeeeeed one."

At that point, I realized how screwed I was. I wasn't happy drinking anymore (too much shame and guilt) and I wasn't happy not drinking (pressure, anxiety, fear, anger, short fuse, etc). Someone probably makes pills to treat all that stuff - so that's an option. The idea of being a slave to the pharmaceutical companies bothered me so I thought why not go after the root cause.

There's no way and no reason to sugar coat it..... it was my selfishness and self-centeredness (which I could have GUARANTEED were not in force at the time) working overtime, my disconnect from reality (always living in the past or worrying about the future), fear of losing what I had or not getting what I wanted, nervous about how to do just about everything, afraid of going back to the bottle........etc etc. I was damn near horrified to learn that all that stuff might be (what AA calls) a "Spiritual Malady." I was totally closed off from God (any God) and totally reliant upon myself alone....and the proof was obvious that it wasn't working anymore.

It kinda made sense....I'd looked everywhere, tried everything, and nothing "worked" to make me feel better. I sure as HECK had not looked at my spirituality (or lack thereof) as the source.........ever. I either thought I was spiritual enough or that I didn't really need it anyway.

Being honest, it kinda irked me when I started feeling better...a lot better. The ONLY thing I was doing differently was trying to understand the steps of AA, use them, work them, and acting-as-if I wasn't selfish. I had to kinda go searching for some sort of God of my own understanding and, in the meantime, try to be as nice, helpful, forgiving, and understanding as I could to everyone around me.

I don't know but I'll bet that's an arena you may not want to explore.....don't want to explore.....or have "looked before and found nothing." If so, I'd ask/suggest you to consider giving it another shot. I reeeeeeeally didn't want it to work cuz I wanted sooooo badly to point my finger back at those "AA losers" and say "See, I tooooooooold you this was bs...I tooooooold you it wouldn't work for me." Unfortunately for my ego, I never was able to do that. Oh yeah, and it saved my life in the process.


I'll keep you in my prayers that you find your way. Living in that turmoil is, well.....hell on earth.

Just as I was told, "Spen, you don't every have to live another day like that again if you don't want to. If you do, that's ok. You're a big boy. But if you don't, just do what we did and it can all stop now."

spen71

Day 38 now. My second longest period in 20 odd years.

Dee74

way to go spen!

D

Anna

That's great, Spen!