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A year ago..

Old 12-18-2009, 11:50 AM
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A year ago..

Thank you Lisa for starting my one year thread.. and per your suggestion and a few others I wanted to share briefly what has happened this past year.

One year ago yesterday, I showed up to work drunk. There's no sugar coating it.. I had crossed the invisible line of "drinking in the mornings" on only a few occasions, this one before a big meeting with the boss. It makes me absolutely sick to my stomach to even think about now.. but how almost normal to me it seemed then. I was surviving on vodka and sleeping pills. I wasn't eating. I was only sleeping when I passed out. I had already been hospitalized 3 months prior at noon on a Sunday with a .568 BAC, and it didn't stop me from picking back up.

Now I'm shaking as I write this.. I was so hopeless, helpless.. so consumed by myself, in such a dark hell of anxiety, drunkeness, lies, almost utter destruction of my marriage, my job.. my life. "But I never lost my job, my marriage, never got a dui, never slept in a gutter.." ha. I should have died with that BAC level, as most of you just thought when you re-read what I typed. It didn't stop me.

Anyways.. I showed up at work drunk. My boss sent me home with a good friend, luckily my husband had the day off, and I slept it off. I woke to the most shame, embarrassment, self loathing and emptiness I have ever felt in my entire life. It was my bottom.

My work 'forced' me to sign a contract that I would get help. I knew I needed it, I wanted it.. I just hadn't had the kick in the ass yet to do it. I found a counselor.. an addictions psychologist, who happened to be just a block from my house, and ironically right across the street from my 'local bar'. I saw him twice a week, for 6 months. As my sober time added up, and I worked on myself.. my marriage strengthened and to this day is better than it ever was before. I also read..a lot. The Alcoholism and Addiction Cure by Prentiss, which I treasure, and used actively in my therapy. I came here.. daily. Got support as a newcomer, and eventually supported newcomers as well as I could. I actively participated in my life.. I began living again. I exercised religiously, but not excessively. Took the edge off. After not drinking for a week or 2.. I suddenly had no anxiety. I could sleep. I could be 'me' and not need to be medicated or drunk. I could laugh.. and just truly live without the obsession of the next drink. I don't know what the magic bullet was for me.. I was just done. I retired from my drinking career, as my counselor put it. I had nothing left to experience with alcohol. I knew how it felt to be drunk in about every which way there was, and what it felt like to almost lose everything I had. There was nothing left to be "missed" by quitting drinking.

For the first time in years, I have spent the last year living pure, honestly.. no vices, no secrecy. I can breathe deep, anxiety free.. I am in love with my life, my husband, and my now 18 day old baby. Like Lisa said, in the past year, I have had a few major accomplishments. All of which were "in the works" but always on hold as long as I stayed drunk.

I didn't think I could live without alcohol, or something to numb me or 'party' with.. and now I can't imagine how I thought alcohol was something that helped me in any way.

I know this is long, and if you're still reading.. kudos to you. I just wanted to write, because along my drinking career that I've since retired from.. I was every kind of drinker. The party girl, the 'I only drink because it's fun' girl.. the 'it makes me more social', the 'it helps me sleep', the 'it eases my anxiety'.. all the way to the showing up at work drunk 'girl'.

There's hope.. and there's life. There's fun in sobriety, and life's greatest accomplishments just waiting to be found when the cloudiness clears.

Thank you so much for all the support you've shown me. From my first desperate post, until this one.. I have been shown so much support, love, friendship and understanding, it's unbelievable.

WE can do this!
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Old 12-18-2009, 12:02 PM
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What a positive post..........the timing of it is very good for me. I am at that point, right now...........today. This "Day Oner" thanks you.
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Old 12-18-2009, 12:10 PM
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Flutter,
Wow again! What a story, you give us noobs so much hope. Wishing you the best for your recovery journey.
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Old 12-18-2009, 12:31 PM
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Wow. That just reminds me of my first trip to the ER on crack cocaine. I had the classic case of too much blood in my crack system.. Not really.. I had over 12 grams of crack smoked in less than 8 hours. I couldn't sit still, yet if I moved, I got sick. I was almost dead. The IV's. OMgosh the IV's..That was I was awake and talking really well. In and out coherent, but could answer all of their questions. I am a fighter. I didn't learn from the first visit, nor the second. But I did wake up on what I thought would have been my 3rd time, if I had not stopped smoking when I did..
Drugs are dangerous, period. There are so many times when a person can do a drug for the first time, and it's literally their last. For those of us lucky enough to survive the first time, we get months and years of hell going after the chase. Those of us who got to live to get clean and tell the tale, we need to really count our blessings. We're here.
And we've found each other. What a blessing it truly is. Brings tears to my eyes to know you're still here, along with the rest of my friends at SR. And I am still here. And we can share stories of triumph, failure, love, sadness, hate.. All that.
But we're here. And during Christmas time, it makes it even more special to me.
Thank you so much for sharing Flutter. It brought up some good memories, some bad ones, and most of all, it's brings something positive. YOU!
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Old 12-18-2009, 12:51 PM
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Thank you for sharing your story, Flutter. I'm so happy for you..sounds like you have a great life happening there...and congrats on that baby! (sigh...I miss the 'new baby' smell!) Congratulations on it all!
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Old 12-18-2009, 01:19 PM
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VERY nice post, and congratulations.

After cleaning my apartment 12 times, maybe some reading is the first step to get rid of the boredom.

I've just got 51 weeks to reach the year mark myself.

Thank you.
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Old 12-18-2009, 01:34 PM
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Great share J.
Thanks

and Congrats

D
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Old 12-18-2009, 01:47 PM
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Outstanding! Congrats and blessings to your new family!
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Old 12-18-2009, 01:57 PM
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What a nice postive story flutter, congratulations on 1 year and on your new baby! Sobriety ROCKS!
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Old 12-18-2009, 02:15 PM
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Flutter,

Thank you SO VERY MUCH for this post, for me being what i like to call "deatiled" but others would call it "long winded" haha. SO no need to apologige for a long post expecially due to the fact that it MADE MY DAY and I THANK YOU VERY MUCH for that. I am where you were a year ago.

I NEEDED to read this post today, right at this moment, and I know that from being an active user on SR several years ago one of the things that stands out is that the posts on SR always seem to HT HOME and sometimes HIT ME WHERE IT HURTS...but HELPS as well.

Everything you said hits home so clearly but I want you to know that you have given me hope, foir my life, me career, my marriage, my daughter and overall family and I appreciate you for givng me that hope b/c I need it so very badly right now.

I know I am in contro of my destiny and that with SR and possible other recovery methods AA/ NA I have not used that yet but know I will not probably be able to sdo it without another outlet.

By the Grace od God, I got a job yesterday after a year of unemployment after losing a job post spinal fusion surgery, which lead me down the road to my current pain med addiction (that I justify b/c oif my surgery) which is not acceptable but I am trying to get honest.

Sorry to make this about me but your post REALLY hit home and I want you to know that YOU have ALREADY helped me so very much just by showing me what you have and reminding me of how much I want to be just like you.

Yes, Flutter you alcoholic, I want to be just like you and dont want to accept anyhting less b/c you (as well as tons of others here on SR and in the rooms previously) have showed me that it is possible, that I am avbout to start on this journey b/c I have to have this new job or we wont be able to keep our home for our daughter but I know right now my recovery has to come first and if I lose everyhting to get there, SO BE IT...b/c I HOPE and PRAY that 1 year form today I will be making a post just like this and it will have a lot to due with the fact that you posted this and gave me HOPE TODAY!

Thank you Flutter, more than you will ever know...Ill keep you posted if you dont mind...can you PM me oir post a little more in detail, see I love the long posts but I knw everyone doesnt, but what your early days were like, how you got through them, what was you main motivation, and anyhting esle you think that someone in the early early early stages of hopefully soon to be recovering person such as myself need to hear b/c I believe you have this information to offer and I NEED IT!

Again THANK YOU and please keep in touch!
<3 Dream
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Old 12-18-2009, 02:37 PM
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Thanks for the post. Congratulations again Sweetie =)
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Old 12-18-2009, 03:57 PM
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thanks for the post rock star

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Old 12-18-2009, 04:17 PM
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Awesome! Thanks for walking us through your journey!
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Old 12-18-2009, 04:46 PM
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Thank you for sharing that. And I LOVE your new avatar!! What a beautiful picture!
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Old 12-18-2009, 05:01 PM
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Flutter,

Thanks so much for your emotional and honest post.

Congratulations on your new baby, and your new life!
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Old 12-18-2009, 05:04 PM
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Flutter your story is very inspirational for me. I have sought help from the professional addiction treatment community and know I'm on the right path. Thank you for being an example of recovery I can look up too.
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Old 12-18-2009, 05:18 PM
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And the very best part, in my opinion, is that your child will not know a drunk mom.

I so wish I would have given my own children that gift.

A Huge Congratualtions. Huge!
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Old 12-18-2009, 05:58 PM
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Congrat's Flutter. What a great story!
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Old 12-18-2009, 06:42 PM
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Beautiful story and what an excellent way you have with your writing. I also agree with Least and that is a fabulous picture of a Mommy that loves her baby. Just thank you, again!
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Old 12-18-2009, 11:31 PM
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(((Flutter))) what a fabulous, honest post....thank you!

I LOVE your new avatar picture!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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