Aysha

My father sent me an email saying he knew in the family meeting I wasnt ready to get clean. And as long as my gram is alive I wont.
I was suppose to go to a reahb for 5 days but it didnt work out. They said because I am not a daily user I dont qualify for that level of care. So now he is blaming me. What is that suppose to mean? He didnt even call me to see what happened. He just assumes things. I am so shook up right now.
I havent gotten to the pharmacy to get my meds filled yet. I just got home last night. I have no ride until later. Why does my father always have to say things like that?
I still am going for my interview for the halfway house. Sometimes its like I cant win with him.

I am getting aggravated at this thread not posting!!!!

Rowan

Hey Trish,

You'll get your meds when you get your ride.

Sorry about rehab not working out. Do you still plan on going to NA meetings? I hope so.

And, I know it's hard, but try your very best to keep the focus on you. Not your father, not your Grams. On you.

Get to a meeting, get a sponsor, get working the steps. Rehab would have been nice, but from experience I can say that it's not necessary.

Recovery is possible, Trish. Remember that. Hugs.

Aysha

Unforunately I dont have a ride to the meetings outside our town. I can get rides to the Friday night one by us and possibly the Sunday one in the next town. But the others are a little further. I called the hotline and he said it would be tough to find someone to give me a ride but he would find out if anyone could.
I feel like I did when I went into mental health last week. Just down and hopeless.
I hate feeling like this because I know its not hopeless but it feels like it.

I am going to go unpack and read in in the NA book for a littl ewhile. I need to use some of those DBT skills they taught us in mental health.
Its good I feel like this in a way because its going to keep me motivated to go to the halfway house. Its such a process tho and not having a car really makes it tough. But I will get it done one way or another.

Rowan

If you ever want some help/guidance with the steps, I would be happy to start going through them with you until you get a sponsor. We could chat via MSN or on the phone or something.

Mattcake

I really agree with Ro, Trish. Set up some boundaries and don't let your father -or anyone- drag you down. And don't waste energy trying to figure out what he means by what he said etc. It's just his (misguided) opinion. We all have one. Focus on yourself.

Aysha

It seemed like he was trying to push his recovery on me when we were in the family meeting. The therapist kept having to cut him off because he just went on a huge lecture rant on me.
I just got done reading the break down of the steps in the NA book. I think I have done step 1. I mean I know I am powerless and my life is def unmanageable. I guess the idea behind that is to completely surrender. I believe I have done that. But it seems I might need a little more time to let the dust settle and make sure that I still feel the same way. You know what I mean? I know I am ready. But as time goes by and we get further away from that thing that drove us to seek help. Sometimes people, I know I have done it everytime, think that it may not have been as bad as we know it was. I am going to wait another week or so before I say for sure that I have completely surrendered. I know how I think. I am going to fight that feeling of minimization but at the same time, If I am going to do this. I have to be 100% positive.
So I do surrender. I am at a point where I am crying on my knees begging for someone to take it all away. But I would feel more comfortable waiting a little longer before I moved on to step 2. Thats going to be a real hard one for me. Does any of that make sense?
Thx Ro for that. I would really like and appreciate that.

nogard

Hey Rowan will guide through those steps Trish, dont try do them alone. It is a great process and fun as well and it keeps on going

Dee74

(((Trish)))

Folks do their best. Sometimes tho they do it in kinda bizarre ways.
Thats why SR is awesome - you'll always find the support you need here

D

Bamboozle

Focus on this, hon. Be proud of yourself for changing your life. You are doing this for YOU.

Impurrfect

((Trish)) when anyone tells me I can't do something or says something negative, based on my past or THEIR interpretation of what they believe of me, and I know it's not right, I get angry and it's like I put my fist in the air and say "watch me!!! I'll show you!!!!"

Use the anger as motivation, sweetie. Prove him wrong. I had to do it, and I DID prove my dad wrong and he is very proud of me today.

Let Rowan help you. Remember - you've got to do things you've never done before because this time is different - this time you're willing to do the things you've not been willing to do before. I tried to do the steps on my own, too. When I finally got a sponsor who "got" me and pointed out some things I'd never thought about, it made things make a lot more sense. It was like "oh, wow...never realized THAT!"

Get your meds - they are crucial. Your mind needs to be working clearly. This is a priority.

Stick with us, we're here for ya!

Luv you, sweetie!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Aysha

Thanks everyone. I feel so needy today.
I just got back from getting my meds. I am still shaking, like tremors.
I never had that before.
I am going to write my dad back and explain to him that I didnt give up. I still have a plan in place and I still want and need his support and help.
I have to remember that my dad has been there. He knows what it takes to get and stay sober. He has 24 yrs sober. Rehab, sober living and AA got him to where he is today.
So he may know a thing or two.
I need to be more gentle with him and myself.
I just am so afraid he wont approve of something and stop talking to me again.
Tomorrow is another day. This one was tough and draining.
But I made it thx to you guys and my lil cousins. I missed my lil baby girl. She is too funny. LOL
I think I will be ok now.

Impurrfect

(((Trish)))

I just have to say, I hear so much of a change in you...and a good one. You sound more open to doing "whatever it take" than you've ever been and I'm so glad. To think you may not have made it through this last run...well, I don't want to think about that.

I just want you to find the JOY in recovery and see the wonderful YOU that we all see.

Love, hugs and prayers!

Amy