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Old 10-08-2009, 06:57 PM   #21 (permalink)
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well Aysha, let me try and be objective about this.
i guess in someways he's not as nasty as he could be. he is kinda wierd and for sure he has his own emotional/psychological isses to deal with.
on the job he's ok with me. he doesn't really tell me what to do (unless it's urgent) and he usually lets me get on with things at my own pace.
it's just that he's an awkward person. anybody who's known him for a long time would confirm that. and the fact that nobody sticks near to him for too long just shows that.
often just being in the same room as him is enough to make me nervous.
basically he's just not a nice person.
he makes me feel worthless because of the things he sometimes says. as a child he was always calling me a "little ****" and he used to tell me i was "a waste of space", "better if [i'd] never been born". etc ect. as a child and even as a young adult he'd often verbally and psyically abuse me. even as reccently as a couple of weeks ago he snarled at me something about me being "a ******* useless *******" or something.
plus he makes fun of the way i talk (not that their's anything wrong with how i talk. i don't stammer or anything like that) and he ridicules the things i do and the things i'm interested in.
also he thinks he has the right to know everything about me, ie: if i'm in his prescence (out of work) and i recieve/make a phone call/txt he asks who it was, and what did they want and ****. or for example, if i go and talk to somebody he'll either come over and hijack my conversation or he'll ask me a 100 questions about it later. all summed up he treats me as if i'm 6 years old (and i'm 30!) in the past i've even caught him snooping through my personal possessions!
plus (p.s: now the objectivness begings to fade!), for me it also cripples my self-esteem if i compare myself to him. already at my age he was married and had kids and he'd been to college and he was already running a sting of successfull businesses. and i know he had high hopes for me but i ****** everything up and have practially wasted my life away. i should have been a laywer or a doctor or something. but instead i'm just a ******* ****.
i'm really just a nothing compared to him. and this effects my social life too (i haven't had a proper conversation with ANYBODY for about 2 years now. i haven't been out to *try* to socialize for perhaps 6 months, maybe even more - i just work and then go to my room to hide form the world. and i can't even remember the last time i had sex - and now that's obviously not going to happen again for a long long time, if ever).
also i find it extremly distressing that he ***** women who are younger then me - therefor women who i should really be mixing with. if it were any other man it would be pathetic but because he's my goddamn father it's even more squalid! personally i have certain morals and i think men who go for younger women for their looks and younger women who go with grandfathers for thier status are simply foul. what they both want is really quite obvious.
even, in my prescence, at work he's always filrting with women and i think that's pretty damn disgusting (for me, to think of him with anybody else other than my mother is just somehow "wrong". even though they've been divorced for 20 years) even more disgusting is that the women actually seem to like him! he obviously recieves more interest from the women then i do.
i can't even look a woman in the eye and make a comment about the wether or her shoes or whatever because of the way he makes me feel.
it's all just not fair. i drive a nicer car than him and i wear better clothes and i've travelled more than him yet nobody gives a **** about even acknowledging me.
i just feel so insignificant living in his shadow.
as a child i used to think he was the greatest man in the world. he'd used to take me to the beach and to the amusment parks and stuff. happy times. he was like a totally diffrent person back then. and then i don't know what happened. maybe it was when my parents divorced when i was 10 and my world fell appart that i lost my faith in him. the thing is though that when my parents were still together he'd never hit me or yell at me. all that started immeadiatly after. and it was then that i started ******* up at school (and this is why i partially blame my parents for the direction my life has taken)
i ssoooo hate that man. i haven't called him "dad" for about 15 years now. i just want to get away from him. a new job. a new place to live. i don't want to have anything to do with him ever again.
this is the 3rd time i've been living with him now. the first time, after my parents divorced, i ended up not doing well in school and i was then sent to live with some relations. then after a few years i had to live with him and his new wife, but this arrangement didn't last long (nor did his wife) because within just a few weeks i ended up moving into a hotel. then i got my own appartment and then i was doing really well. i'd conquered my alcholism and gambling and my life was looking like it might just end up quite ok after all (but it didn't. see thread in the link below)
now i'm having to live with him again and i don't think it's any coincidence that everytime i have to live with this man that my mental health regresses.
he's just a negative influence on me and i need to get away but i don't know how to go about freeing myself from him.
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Last edited by Captain Kirk; 10-08-2009 at 07:14 PM.
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Old 10-08-2009, 07:00 PM   #22 (permalink)
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He pays you good money for a job you said you otherwise wouldnt have. Lets you live with him for free.
not really for free. if i was working for somebody else i'd be getting paid more, but i wouldn't have any accomodation included with the job.
and their's no point in asking him if he'd pay me more so i could live seperatly because he already wants to reduce my pay as it is!

oh Cyenitha! i hadn't realized untill now it was you. lol. how ya doin?
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Old 10-08-2009, 07:04 PM   #23 (permalink)
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My advice is to just hang in there and do whatever you have to do to pay off your debts and then move into your own place.
yea, i guess that sounds resonable. (not that i really have much choice anyway. beggers can't be choosers)
i'm still actually renting my old appartment where i used to previously live. i just don't have anywhere else to store my books and clothes and ****, so i've held on the the appartment for now. i could always go back their but the problem is what would i do for a living?? and their i don't think i'd ever be able to make as much as i'm making here.
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Old 10-08-2009, 07:16 PM   #24 (permalink)
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you are reaping the consequences of your actions.
sorry but i disagree.
in the bible Adam raised Cain
(and now i could have a rant about how my younger brother has turned out succesfull and i havn't. and how i despise my bro for not having had any of the difficulties i've had. etc etc but i won't botther going in to it).
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Old 10-08-2009, 07:36 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Again, not to sound harsh, but...Your brother has nothing to do with your drinking and gambling addictions. You can take that road if you want to, but it's a lie. You are responsible for your own actions and yes, you are reaping the consequences of those actions. Your dad didn't have to give you a job and a place to live. A lot of people don't have that advantage. What would you have done had he not done that?
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Old 10-08-2009, 07:51 PM   #26 (permalink)
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You are responsible for your own actions and yes, you are reaping the consequences of those actions.
clash of oppinions here. lol.
who says so?? ok, yes, often it is like that. but their are exceptions.
what if God or the Power Greter Than Ourselves had programmed our lives in every tiny detail and that really everything that has been and which will be is all inevitable and unavoidable?
(please note, i'm honestly not looking for an argument)

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What would you have done had he not done that?
I'd possibly of have ended up doing that thing that we're not allowed to talk about here on SR.
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Old 10-08-2009, 08:09 PM   #27 (permalink)
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LOL! Thanks for the flower, but I'm not trying to argue with you. I'm just giving you some food for thought. I wish you the best. It's just that, as bad as you think you have it, you have it so much better than a lot of folks.
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Old 10-08-2009, 08:26 PM   #28 (permalink)
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I'm not trying to argue with you. I'm just giving you some food for thought.
I know. and i honestly appriciate it.

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as bad as you think you have it, you have it so much better than a lot of folks.
i know this too. there are people still drinking/drugging. people who are living on the streets. in jail. etc ect.
i know in some regards i'm really very fortunate, but sometimes it seems that doesn't make things much easier for me.

you have a nice evening - i'm off to bed.
thanks.:ghug3
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Old 10-08-2009, 08:31 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Man aldo. The whole first paragraph of your responce to me was like my brother telling me his experience with our dad.
I almost had to smack myself and wonder if it was him. LOL
So now I totally get what your saying. My father did that to my brother ever since I can remember. Call him a F***ing retard and And Bas**** and A$$*** and all kinds of nasty things. And this was even when he was just a kid Not even a teenager yet. Use to smack him around and stuff just cause he didnt do something right or was too slow in doing something. It really traumatised my brother. They dont speak now. And it made my brother like all crazy to get away and stay away. When he tells me what hes doing in his life it is always followed by he will never be like our dad. And that his upbringing is what drives him now. He works 2 jobs and goes to school and saves all his money. My brother came out gay a couple years ago and that just added to the tension between them. I stay out of it. My dad did that to my sisters too but not as bad as he did my brother. My brother peed the bed until he was a teenager because of that stuff.
It is horrible. Sometimes emotional wounds are worse than physical ones. Words can cut alot deeper. And bruises heal. So I totally get that.
I feel so bad for my brother. But he has made a great life for himself as a result of it. He doesnt have any addctions tho.
All I can tell you is do the best you can to get yourself established as fast as possible and get away on your own. The quicker the better.
I am sry he treats you like that. I didnt grow up with my dad and as bad as it may sound. I am glad.
Just hang in there and do what you have to do. But dont gamble or drink over it. That will def not help and def slow the process of you getting where you need to be to get out of that situation.
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Old 10-08-2009, 08:39 PM   #30 (permalink)
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...it is always followed by he will never be like our dad.
that's what i always used to say. but now i see i see we're really quite alike in some ways

thanks for sharing and understand Chyinitha (i hope i've spelled that write this time. lol).

i'm really tired now tonight, so i'm going to bed.
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