well Aysha, let me try and be objective about this.
i guess in someways he's not as nasty as he could be. he is kinda wierd and for sure he has his own emotional/psychological isses to deal with.
on the job he's ok with me. he doesn't really tell me what to do (unless it's urgent) and he usually lets me get on with things at my own pace.
it's just that he's an awkward person. anybody who's known him for a long time would confirm that. and the fact that nobody sticks near to him for too long just shows that.
often just being in the same room as him is enough to make me nervous.
basically he's just not a nice person.
he makes me feel worthless because of the things he sometimes says. as a child he was always calling me a "little ****" and he used to tell me i was "a waste of space", "better if [i'd] never been born". etc ect. as a child and even as a young adult he'd often verbally and psyically abuse me. even as reccently as a couple of weeks ago he snarled at me something about me being "a ******* useless *******" or something.
plus he makes fun of the way i talk (not that their's anything wrong with how i talk. i don't stammer or anything like that) and he ridicules the things i do and the things i'm interested in.
also he thinks he has the right to know everything about me, ie: if i'm in his prescence (out of work) and i recieve/make a phone call/txt he asks who it was, and what did they want and ****. or for example, if i go and talk to somebody he'll either come over and hijack my conversation or he'll ask me a 100 questions about it later. all summed up he treats me as if i'm 6 years old (and i'm 30!) in the past i've even caught him snooping through my personal possessions!
plus (p.s: now the objectivness begings to fade!), for me it also cripples my self-esteem if i compare myself to him. already at my age he was married and had kids and he'd been to college and he was already running a sting of successfull businesses. and i know he had high hopes for me but i ****** everything up and have practially wasted my life away. i should have been a laywer or a doctor or something. but instead i'm just a ******* ****.
i'm really just a nothing compared to him. and this effects my social life too (i haven't had a proper conversation with ANYBODY for about 2 years now. i haven't been out to *try* to socialize for perhaps 6 months, maybe even more - i just work and then go to my room to hide form the world. and i can't even remember the last time i had sex - and now that's obviously not going to happen again for a long long time, if ever).
also i find it extremly distressing that he ***** women who are younger then me - therefor women who i should really be mixing with. if it were any other man it would be pathetic but because he's my goddamn father it's even more squalid! personally i have certain morals and i think men who go for younger women for their looks and younger women who go with grandfathers for thier status are simply foul. what they both want is really quite obvious.
even, in my prescence, at work he's always filrting with women and i think that's pretty damn disgusting (for me, to think of him with anybody else other than my mother is just somehow "wrong". even though they've been divorced for 20 years) even more disgusting is that the women actually seem to like him! he obviously recieves more interest from the women then i do.
i can't even look a woman in the eye and make a comment about the wether or her shoes or whatever because of the way he makes me feel.
it's all just not fair. i drive a nicer car than him and i wear better clothes and i've travelled more than him yet nobody gives a **** about even acknowledging me.
i just feel so insignificant living in his shadow.
as a child i used to think he was the greatest man in the world. he'd used to take me to the beach and to the amusment parks and stuff. happy times. he was like a totally diffrent person back then. and then i don't know what happened. maybe it was when my parents divorced when i was 10 and my world fell appart that i lost my faith in him. the thing is though that when my parents were still together he'd never hit me or yell at me. all that started immeadiatly after. and it was then that i started ******* up at school (and this is why i partially blame my parents for the direction my life has taken)
i ssoooo hate that man. i haven't called him "dad" for about 15 years now. i just want to get away from him. a new job. a new place to live. i don't want to have anything to do with him ever again.
this is the 3rd time i've been living with him now. the first time, after my parents divorced, i ended up not doing well in school and i was then sent to live with some relations. then after a few years i had to live with him and his new wife, but this arrangement didn't last long (nor did his wife) because within just a few weeks i ended up moving into a hotel. then i got my own appartment and then i was doing really well. i'd conquered my alcholism and gambling and my life was looking like it might just end up quite ok after all (but it didn't. see thread in the link below)
now i'm having to live with him again and i don't think it's any coincidence that everytime i have to live with this man that my mental health regresses.
he's just a negative influence on me and i need to get away but i don't know how to go about freeing myself from him.
